DH stresses me out so much

[Youdidntseemehere]

My DH has trouble staying calm in everyday life. For example, this morning the boiler decided to pack in and he couldn't get it to work as one of the switches is jammed off. He starts slamming doors and storming around the house in frustration while trying to fix it. I feel that he gets overwhelmingly stressed and will then end up breaking other things in the process. He is also like this with work but manages to avoid conflict with colleagues by storming around the house instead. I know his anger is not directed at me necessarily but it gives me so much anxiety and I almost feel I've done something wrong by the way he acts. I have told him how it feels and he basically responded that not everything is about you and I'm just stressed. Anyone else's partner like this and how do you deal with it?

Men (and women) who can't cope with normal household problems without losing their temper do not make good parents. Please don't inflict that on your children.

Even in your situation where there is some insight/ remorse, this behaviour isn't OK.

Smashing up the house in anger, apologising, then doing it again after a time, is not a healthy way to be in a relationship. Especially if you have children. I hope he appreciates that you stay with him in spite of his shitty behaviour. And I hope your children understand when they are older why you didn't get them away from his shit.

In OPs situation, where there is not even any basic acknowledgement of her feelings, the impact on her, or any kind of remorse/ apology, it's straight up abuse and gaslighting.

This stuff needs calling out very bluntly for what it is.

This has given me some good perspective and I'm questioning why I am asking for advice on how to cope with his temper and once again changing my behaviour to keep the pece. He is an adult who ultimately should be the one taking responsibility for his behaviour and doing something about it. Can clearly see his family have probably enabled this and just so used to it that they normalise it

Good one OP.

The other thing is, you do not have to put up with his antics. You can either leave, request him to leave, and tell him why.

If his family just passively stands by, implicitly accepting his behaviour, it possibly hasn't occurred to him that people don't just have to accept it.

Your husband's behavior is appalling. He is abusing you. It is very difficult, if not impossible to change behavior, even if he desires ardently to do so. So I wouldn't count on that if I were you.
Abuse almost always picks up after the added stress of children.
You are very lucky that he has already shown you who he is before you are stuck with shared children.
You have been very wise to recognize this abuse before it gets even more complicated.
I am so sorry for you.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Find a better father for your children.

His behaviour is abusive. It scares you and worries you. Please consider this carefully and what you want to do - you do not have to accept this kind of behaviour. And at least for the moment please do not consider bringing a child into this until he has seriously changed.

Well you can either bail or try to get some sort of understanding of why he thinks it is acceptable to behave like this.

Maybe he realises his behaviour is bad, but in the moment lacks self control because he has never been taught properly how to behave ?

Also if you plan to have kids how is he going to deal with the stress and frustration that will generate ?

I don't think it would be an automatic leave for me. But I would want to get to the root of the problems. Understand why he behaves like this. Expect him to improve/get better or seek help for it. And if he didn't acknowledge it was wrong, or try to improve the situation I would see no future with him, especially with kids.

OP he sounds dreadful. Getting so angry over a boiler that can be fixed with a simple phone call?

Able to control his anger around colleagues but not his family? That’s a choice.

I think you have to be very very clear with him now. He seeks help for his disproportionate anger and you see real improvements over the next 12 months, and that means zero incidents of yelling or stomping and slamming round the house. And it means calmly calling a plumber or electrician etc to fix faults not leaving it to you. Or else you need to go your separate ways.

Even then I would insist the help was ongoing at least checking in with his counsellor every two months. And just one incident I’d be done. Because when DC come along you won’t have time to manage him as well. He will need to manage himself. I would though also seriously reconsider if he’s the one for you.

💐

OP my dad is like this- he loses his temper at every minor inconvenience, any big problems he can't cope with rationally. As a child, it's awful to see one parent afraid of the other. Also note he's got worse as he's got older. Also children make life 100000 per cent more stressful so he will never cope if he can't cope now.

Yes, my DH is a bit like this. Which is strange because he stays calm at work, which is a life/death kind of job! I call him out on it every time, by asking why he is so angry. Seems to be working a bit. Thankfully our good times vastly outweigh the bad, but it's still horrible. Not least because I grew up in a very shouty household with an aggressive Dad.

Actually my Dad mellowed over time. He is rarely angry now, but when we were kids he was a nightmare. Maybe the stress of long work hours? Now retired and he is super chilled.

The problem lies in the DH's response to OP telling him how it makes her feel.
My DH can be a bit like this sometimes (not as bad though, he acts stressed and moves "stressedly" and snaps, but doesn't do slamming and breaking things. However its enough to raise my cortisol and make me move out of the way.)

BUT

He knows this is not on and now when it happens, I tend to just go quiet on him and turn my back (because - what a dick!), and within just a minute or two, sometimes 5 or 10, he always apologises. Usually spontaneously, but otherwise when I tell him he's been a dick. He knows its not on. AND he is taking steps to reduce the stress in his life because he knows its unhealthy - for him in particular.

My DH is like this too. But he is much better now 15 years on and post child than he was in his 30s. I made him go to a therapist for about a year and that helped a lot. She told him that any negative emotion (fear, disappointment, frustration, grief, regret) all comes out as anger for him and he needed to be better at identifying his emotions and triggers.

What really made the difference was he felt terrible when I told him how much I hated his outbursts even when they weren't directed at me. I told him it made me uncomfortable in my own house and I was always walking on eggshells. He actually wanted to change when he saw how much it affected me. He honestly thought it wouldn't bother me as "it wasn't about me'.

Things aren't perfect now, but so so much better. He's matured and on the rare occasions he starts pacing angrily and muttering to himself he will go outside.

Weirdly, he almost never lost his temper around DD who is now 14. She finds it hilarious and rolls her eyes and asks him which work colleague has set him off now.

Apparently his father was similar but that's hard to believe bc DFIL is the mildest calmest man on earth now.

OP I'd say have a real honest chat to your DP when he's in a good frame of mind. Tell him you don't want to live this way and see if he will acknowledge the problem and is willing to try to change.

Best of luck to you.

This is my father. Made me anxious just reading your post. It won't get any better.
I'm sorry.

Oh yes, I had one of those. Massive over reactions and stressed behaviour putting the whole house on edge. I got rid of him.

I think he knows he is in the wrong as then he is offering to make me lunch and being all nice but not said a thing about earlier and whenever I address these behaviours he will deny it being a problem or thinks I'm unreasonable for being affected by it. I'm going to speak to him about it but I don't have much hope for him actually acknowledging how unfair it is and the eggshells he is making me walk on!

If you want to stay with him give him a time limit to sort this out. Leave if he won't, and leave if he doesn't. If you stay and do nothing this man will ruin celebrations, holidays, Christmases/Diwali/ whatever. And I would say it's only a matter of time before things like the boiler will be your fault (why didn't you order x, sort y, get z fixed).

Just going to leave this here, OP.... see if it resonates.

Glad you've decided that you are going to talk to him.

When you do, be very direct and blunt about the fact that this is unacceptable behaviour and not normal. He will probably say he doesn't mean it to be directed towards you, blah blah, but that is not the point. He is completely out of control of himself and it's not OK.

"I don't have much hope for him actually acknowledging how unfair it is"

Why stay with him, in that case? Does he love you? He doesn't seem to be acting like it.

Talking to him could well be a waste of effort on your part. He does not act like this to his work colleagues does he or to people in the outside world. He knows how you feel and does not care.

Youdidntseemehere

re your comment

"I think he knows he is in the wrong as then he is offering to make me lunch and being all nice but not said a thing about earlier and whenever I address these behaviours he will deny it being a problem or thinks I'm unreasonable for being affected by it. I'm going to speak to him about it but I don't have much hope for him actually acknowledging how unfair it is and the eggshells he is making me walk on!"

He's doing just enough here to get you to stay by being "nice" in making you lunch. That is the nice part of his nice/nasty cycle of abuse. When he denies there's a problem or thinks you are unreasonable for being affected by it then that is the nasty part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse once again.

Infact you've written it yourself. Do not have a conversation with him about this as there is no point whatsoever in doing so. What he is showing you here is the nice and nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. I would strongly urge you here to plan your exit with due care and attention as your safety is of paramount importance. Walking on eggshells too is code, in my mind anyway, for living in fear. Do contact Womens Aid too and get their support and advice.

The only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is none and you are and should not be acting as some sort of rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his abusive behaviour. Abuse is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of - its about power and control and he wants absolute here.

I grew up with a father like this.
It was bloody awful.
He used to cook a fried breakfast on Sundays.
There were three small children sitting at the table praying that an egg yolk didn't break whilst he was frying them.
Eventually we all pretended that we preferred them broken.

Obviously there were many more triggers for his outbursts.
I don't speak to him now.

This.
How would he react if you got really angry with him?
I suspect you are a calm and softly-spoken reasonable person. What would happen if you screamed and shouted in his face and threw things?

Do you suppose he would be on eggshells around you? Not a snowballs chance in hell.

Do you think he would get angry back? How DARE you get angry with him? Highly likely.

Do you think he would laugh at you - the ultimate belittling of your feelings. Also highly likely.

This is about him being the powerful one. He likes it when you are scared as it makes him feel powerful.

@BeanCountingContinues well there has been one occasion where I did go off on one by my standards as he was treating me completely unreasonably and I snapped. We were left with a hole in the wall from him punching it and no responsibility taken for that and I ended up apologising when we discussed it afterwards as he convinced me it was all my fault. The more I am looking back on things today I am accepting how unreasonable his anger is and that I keep downplaying it. I never grew up with angry parents so I am confused that I haven't noticed how abnormal it is actually.