DH stresses me out so much

[Youdidntseemehere]

My DH has trouble staying calm in everyday life. For example, this morning the boiler decided to pack in and he couldn't get it to work as one of the switches is jammed off. He starts slamming doors and storming around the house in frustration while trying to fix it. I feel that he gets overwhelmingly stressed and will then end up breaking other things in the process. He is also like this with work but manages to avoid conflict with colleagues by storming around the house instead. I know his anger is not directed at me necessarily but it gives me so much anxiety and I almost feel I've done something wrong by the way he acts. I have told him how it feels and he basically responded that not everything is about you and I'm just stressed. Anyone else's partner like this and how do you deal with it?

Mine was like this and has improved. Basically I’ve told him either to calmly verbalise his upset around the family or go for a speed walk elsewhere till he feels calmer. I’ve been zero tolerance and will consistently challenge any stroppy teenage behaviour. DH is autistic and he struggles when things feel out of control, however this isn’t a free pass to behave badly.

I started off with a mostly lovely, occasionally angry husband. We had 2 dds and a business/renovation projects etc, all instigated by him as much as me. Over 25 years he became more and more angry. There was always a reason, it was 'only at the moment/because of x/not aimed at you (me)'. It massively escalated into a horribly abusive dynamic.

I would definitely not have kids with anyone who is incapable of managing stress. Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" - it was my first step in trying to help and understand. I eventually left him and very much wish I had paid attention to the red flags as he has done untold damage.

So you are not "allowed" to be more angry than him. He had to escalate to punching a hole in the wall. He has to be the one who is more "powerful" i.e. angry.

Then he blamed you - because in his eyes you were at fault for daring to get angry with him.

It is not surprising you are confused, because abusive people are just not rational, why would you understand or notice if it was outside your previous experience? You wouldn't. This is how abusers get away with it - they pick people who are not already wise to their tactics and thought processes.

Even if you think the label "abuser" is too strong and is exaggerating how bad he is, this is still not a healthy and happy relationship in which you should be living, let alone bringing a baby into it.

Ready the Lundy book mentioned above.
Then leave him.

Boiled frog syndrome. He gradually trained you to accept the unacceptable whilst keeping up just enough of a nice guy act

He won't change and I think talking to him actually might put you in some danger (not necessarily violent - he could say some vile things which haunt you for years). Get your ducks in a row and leave. Be careful that he doesn't tamper with your contraception.

He doesn’t think its a priblem. Why do pisters go out if their way to explain away abuse as just some kind of misunderstanding or miscommunication? He is communicating JUST FINE. OP told him her problem was his anger/smashing things and he DARVO’d the shit out of her.

Not partner or husband but I grew up with a Father who did this sort of stuff too. Christmases, holidays and all kinds were ruined by his massive tantrums and we all danced on eggshells. I've moved overseas but my siblings still dance around him and pacify him and his unreasonable behaviour rather than deal with the fallout and passive aggressive sulking. I never saw him strike my mother but he certainly wasn't shy about walloping us.

I'd be interested to know how it goes today if you don't ignore his behaviour and call him out on it again, how he is making you feel and that's its not an acceptable way to treat you. If he goes off the deep end then sadly I think you have your answer and you need to seriously consider if this is how you want to spend your life as you will be much more vulnerable to abuse if you have children. He will exploit your willingness to protect them from his anger and moods and get away with all kinds up to and including physical abuse. Worse still, proving emotional abuse like this to a degree you can keep him away from his children would be very very hard indeed. I would personally be taking very definite steps to ensure my contraception was bulletproof and proactively preparing to leave. Life is too short.

@Youdidntseemehere I wish I could say positive and encouraging things to you. But I can’t.

All O can say is that if you are anxious and stressed now, imagine how you will feel after pregnancy, labour, childbirth, bleeding, stitches and sleepless nights while you hold your tiny screaming newborn baby and your husband is yelling at you and punching holes in the wall. All you will be able to think about is how many babies under a year are killed by men just like your husband.

You will be more desperate than you can imagine to make your baby be quiet so your husband doesn’t hurt one of you.

Exactly what you described was my experience too.

Things ramped up when I was pregnant too.

Classic behaviour here. Pretending everything is fine and being nice after an outburst. This is so you feel like if you bring it up to discuss, you're starting something and therefore he justifies another rage/blaming you. You can't win - if you react during one of his meltdowns, it won't go well, but you should be able to be heard and acknowledged in a calmer moment at the very least.

Pay attention too to the fact that he can, and does, keep a lid on it to a great extent at work/perhaps in social situations. I spent years wondering if he was depressed/anxious/whatever and tying myself in knots trying to pre empt anything setting him off (young kids and life in general will add plenty of stress and it's supposed to be a partnership, not you behaving like a racehorse trainer trying to calm a manic racehorse).

I eventually worked out that he CAN help it. Because he doesn't do it to everyone. Even if he did do it to everyone btw, that wouldn't make it OK to put up with.

My research into "how to cope with an angry husband" led me to reading about narcissistic abuse. Your h may not be narcissistic but he's certainly being emotionally abusive. Please get some individual counselling (they manipulate counsellors, I'm not suggesting joint counselling at ALL) and build up your self esteem and your voice as it is being eroded. It's the boiling frog syndrome. Don't turn round at 50 and think, shit. The signs were there but I minimised/excused and did backflips myself to make sure he was never inconvenienced. It won't be enough anyway.

He isn’t going to accept he is wrong @Youdidntseemehere
Talking to him will just leave you feeling you’re the one in the wrong again, that somehow it’s your fault etc…
Thats what abusers do.
Oh and they always have a nice side to them too. Otherwise no one would ever stay with them.

He is punching walls atm. Just walls.
When do you think he is going start punching you instead?
You were talking about trying for a child. Pg and becoming a mum are often the trigger for abuse to ramp up. Are you sure you want to take the risk? Are you sure you want to live with a man that might well turn against you?
Because those men who ‘just’ hit the wall…. they often end up hitting theur partners too.

My ex partner was like this. His moods just darkened each day and I felt more relief when he wasn't around and I did things myself.

We had a baby together and he DID NOT COPE! Had frequent outbursts because of the stress and almost ruined what should have been a happy time. The moment I decided to leave him and be a single parent was seeing our baby watching his tantrums over nothing and jumping when he slammed drawers etc in frustration. I knew my baby deserved better than that.

Just to add his behaviour was 100% abusive (ramped up after the baby was born) and your DH sounds abusive too!

It would be completely irresponsible to bring a child into this marriage. No child deserves that. And neither do you.

I don't like this either. Husband got frustrated once and chucked something across the room. He got told in no uncertain terms that it makes me feel unsafe and to knock it off. He did it again a few years later and I was louder. He hasn't done it since.

Tell him to fuck off outside if he wants to act like a stroppy toddler. Frame the hole in the wall with a plaque saying fragile masculinity with the date.