Depressed Husband Destroying Marriage

[Peppette]

So this is probably a bit of a long one but I'll try to get everything out so I don't drip feed.

My husband has become increasingly depressed since his mother passed away 2 years ago, he went on antidepressants in December and started seeing a therapist about a month ago. He has been depressed before and has said after the fact that when he is like that he tends to be very destructive with regards to his life and our relationship, and when he comes out the other side he apologises and we move on. This time he is worse than he has ever been and is saying he wants a divorce.

About 18 months ago we had a problem with a flat that we rent out (slow leak causing damage that needed to be fixed), he got about half way through sorting it and then apparently "begged" for me to take over. I didn't feel confident taking over the whole thing as I was completely lost on what had already been done and had never been involved in the flat being rented out. Plus it was December and anyone with kids knows that I was pretty overwhelmed with Christmas things that seem to take over that month, things he never helps with. However, I helped in any way I could, searching for an alternative accommodation for tenants, helping him make decisions on products etc, researching things like tiles etc.

His depression (or the tablets he takes for it) causes him to be forgetful and misremember things, he will also be making a point and then two minutes later push to opposite point (e.g. "we need to bring up things that are upsetting us then and there" will turn into "we need to not get so bothered by everything and wait to calm down" two minutes later and then deny he said the first thing). He will also hear things that I didn't say, for example when I brought up the memory thing as a genuine concern I asked "what's going on with you" and he heard "what's wrong with you" which is obviously different. I feel like when he speaks to his therapist he isn't necessarily telling her exactly what happened and just the way he misremembered it and the therapist said that I may be emotionally abusing him and he has clung onto this as fact. I am aware this sounds bad and I'm obviously very upset at this turn of events. I am also aware that making someone question their reality is a form of emotional abuse but surely that doesn't count if their version of reality is currently unstable?

So I asked him how had I possibly emotionally abused him and this lead to me booking an appointment with my own therapist (because if I am unknowingly emotionally abusive then they would know, he also has concerns that I have OCD but I don't so figured I would talk about this as well) and him giving me a list of all the ways I have emotionally abused him. The list was 4 pages long and listed things like "criticizing appearance - pointing out when I have food in my teeth" and "criticizing when I have not done a job to YOUR standards" and also things that were completely misremembered like never supporting him in his job because I got angry that he said he was doing a 90 minute job interview (a test without an interviewer) and didn't come down for 5 hours without keeping in contact about that and disregarding all the other times I have helped him work out his job options and helped him rank them so he can figure out which one to accept. And everything I do or say gets twisted to fit into this version he has of me that is abusive or obsessive compulsive or unsupportive.

So he said that doing this list highlighted to him how completely unsupportive I am and reminded him how angry he was about the leak in the flat thing. And he is so, so angry with me about it. Like being really nasty and downright cruel. He is also saying he wants a divorce because of this incident that has really "scarred him emotionally". We have an appointment with a couple therapist next week but I feel like he's not going into it with an open mind (or clear mind).
Outside of these depressive episodes our marriage is really good and they don't happen very often (approx 3 times in 12 years), we have two primary school aged kids as well and I can't bear the thought of our marriage blowing up because he is in self destruct mode and that he may come out the other side regretting it and having caused all this pain to me and the kids.

Quite frankly I guess I needed to rant for a bit and maybe hear from people who went through something similar and if it turned out ok. And maybe get some tips about marriage counselling and how to hold my own a little around the house as I am currently hiding out in our bedroom (he's sleeping downstairs) if the kids are in bed as he seems to get nasty when the kids aren't around thankfully. There's also loads more stuff that has happened but this post is already too long and this is the gist of the current problem I'm experiencing.

It is soooooo tough living with someone with depression. It’s also impossible to explain to others the position you’re in if they haven’t been there themselves (in my experience people are pretty 50:50 on either: you stick by them because it’s an illness; versus ill or not you shouldn’t have to put up with that).

I stick with it; but I find it hard spotting when it’s over and he’s back to normal because I just can’t risk causing a set back by pushing it. The hardest thing I find is not having support when I need it, because me having any kind of wobble (and I’ve had some big ones this year) tends to trigger him to go downhill. I can’t talk to family or mutual friends because I don’t want them to judge him.

So no advice, just a bit of my story. I think it’s worth hanging in during the tough times. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s his illness talking.

I was with a depressed man for 25 years. There were lots of great times but the bad was bad. I got the blame for everything that went wrong, I was “unsupportive/not there for him/being controlling” whilst all the time I was running a home, working, bringing up children. It was so so hard and my mental health took a massive hit and I left. Your whole post could have been me writing this - from the things he says to the therapist.
I felt awful at times but it’s the best thing I done. My now teenage dc twll
me what he is like with his current partner - exactly the same. I feel bad that she has to deal with this but it makes me realise it wasn’t me it was him.
im not suggesting you leave but you can’t live like this forever. Maybe he needs to get his meds adjusted or try joint counselling sessions?

How long do these episodes last? It won't be doing your DC any good living with this all the time either. 6 months for you is a huge percentage of their lives.

Depressed people can be very selfish, it's an illness but means that they only tend to look inwards at themselves. Which means their partners or spouses tend to bear the brunt of this selfishness. You end up walking on eggshells and putting yourself last in the scheme of things, because you don't want to put the other person back or add to the depression, make it worse etc.

I lived with a selfish man and tbh it was soul destroying. A cloud hung above the house, family days, birthdays, christmases were awful, it also really impacted my self esteem and I ended up a bit of an anxious wreck. My dh had an episode and he attacked me, looking back it was the best thing that could have happened as it gave me an 'out' without feeling guilty for abandoning him. I simply couldn't let my dc grow up in a house where it's acceptable to physically attack another person.

We've been divorced for 5 years now and family life is completely different, me and the dc are blissfully happy. They still see their Dad, he seems to be slightly better the episode meant he had to get proper help and I think it shocked him into doing something about it (spending a night in a police cell will do that).

Normally only a couple of months where I can see it, I assume he struggles and keeps it hidden for a time before that though. This one does seem to be lasting longer. Perhaps that's why it's so bad this time, it's had longer to fester.

I offered to come to a session with him to his therapist to tell her what I was witnessing because obviously he is an unreliable witness but apparently she doesn't do that or maybe he just didn't want me to (it's hard to tell what's the truth and what's not at the moment). He seems really sincere and sure when he's talking about stuff that has happened and his therapist has said that he doesn't have issues with reality and what's really happened, but then she's only got his word and viewpoint on everything, and like I said he's very convincing. Now because she's said this he's clinging to that and thinks I'm making up all of the stuff that has happened.

I've suggested changing meds as well but he thinks these are working and gets angry when I suggest they might not be. He thinks he has every right to be angry with me (and from his skewed point of view he does) and me suggesting changing his meds is just me not owning up to the things I've apparently done.

You should ring his therapist direct and find out if she doesn’t do these sessions or if he is lying. She needs all the facts. I suspect he is making a lot up in these sessions to get leverage in the relationship.

My advice would be don't offer any advice around medication, therapist etc as he is not going to listen. Don't get involved in what he said, you said. Totally focus on looking after yourself and the dc. Plan exciting things for yourself. Go to your family with the dc when the school closes and hopefully have a peaceful time there. The more you pull back the more he is forced to sort his own life out. At the moment he is using you as his emotional punchbag which is very common with depression. Detach, Don't give him any solutions. Don't let his mood determine the household mood..play music, have fun with the children. If he says he wants a divorce, put it back on him by saying its up to you..you decide what you want. He more than likely will do nothing about it but it means he has to take responsibility. Its good you have your own therapist and his therapist is being very unwise as they should know that depression causes people to blame anyone else especially those closest to them. It's not easy but strengthening yourself is the most important thing you can do at this present time.

It's his therapist though. Not couples therapy.

I’d be calling his bluff.
‘You and your therapist have decided I am the source of all your problems. Everything I do to support you is disregarded. Blaming me feels like the easy option but it’s not based on reality. Please leave so you can work out the truth. I have enough to do holding our family together without being undermined.I know you’re depressed but I have feelings too and I need to protect myself.’

Bringing back memories of being exhausted doing everything while my ex wallowed and carped and had all the time in the world to act selfishly.

Very good advice from @junebirthdaygirl , I'd follow that if I were you

I went through an up and down marriage like this where at times it seemed like I was the scape goat, to blame for everything and he would be the victim. He'd lie about stuff and gas light me so I didn't know if I was to blame of not. He'd have periods where he seemed really miserable and periods where he didn't. I tip toed round him thinking I was making his life difficult at times. Turned out he was a covert narcissist.

Fuck this OP, he's behaving like a twat. Don't let him make you the monster as he writes his own narrative. Point out to him every time he's talking bollocks. For a narcissist a therapist/counselling is the very worst thing. They get all the validation they crave, they get to persuade someone else that everything is someone else's fault and they learn how to be an even better narcissist and manipulate everything to their own ends even more convincingly - 'because the therapist said so'. He already using this against you.

My advice would be to run away as fast as you can and take the kids with you.

I did what June suggested above and I did find it effective at the time. However some years on my H and I have grown far apart. H is belatedly now working w a therapist. For me though a marriage is more than just getting on well every day, it’s about shared goals, it’s about a deeper intimacy and connection. In my experience depression can severely destroy these things. It has in our case and I’m just not sure if they can be got back.

Are you sure you want to stay in the relationship? It must feel like an incredibly big rejection being told that you’re abusing him (if you’ve genuinely appraised your behaviour and are sure that you’re not). You must be feeling crushed and also angry at the false accusations. If you need something to tell you it’s okay to leave, then have permission 💐. Sending a hug.

@MySocksAreDotty Are you sure you want to stay in the relationship? It must feel like an incredibly big rejection being told that you’re abusing him (if you’ve genuinely appraised your behaviour and are sure that you’re not). You must be feeling crushed and also angry at the false accusations.

I guess I haven't really thought about if I want to continue the relationship, I've always just thought that I do because he's my husband. It's hard because he's obviously bring shitty, and hurtful and of course I am angry. But it's always been easier to blame the illness and hold out for when (if) he gets better, but it's so much worse this time that it does need properly considering. I'd be worried about the kids because they don't really see the way he treats me when they're not around. I'm also not sure how well then would deal with a divorce, I know kids are resilient, but I'm not sure my kids could deal with it right now.
Thanks for the hug!

I would separate if only temporarily. He sees you as the enemy. You’re not obliged to play this out with him.

I haven't got time to type out my whole story, but suffice to say it's very similar. My advice is to get out now. It doesn't get better.

The first time he said he wanted to divorce me, I was devastated, we separated for months, went for counselling etc, then as soon as he moved back in he refused to attend any more counselling and things slowly went back to everything being my fault and that I was controlling (I really wasn't!).

This time round, I called his bluff and we're in the process of getting divorced. I am so relieved, I can't tell you what a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

You deserve better. Please take care of yourself.

So sorry you are in this situation.

I would leave this relationship.

General advice would be to avoid a partner with mental health problems / depression. It will drag your life down and affect your children as well.

I too have been in your situation.

I snapped one day, threw in the towel and ended the marriage. Best decision I ever made. He was hell-bent on dragging me down with him and I was sick to death of being blamed.

Save yourself. This doesn't get any better. (Also had children involved, but it was best for them too. Nobody wants to live under that constant black shadow.)

So he only takes his 'depression' out on you? He can lie to his therapist and hide his moods from the kids?

Sounds like he doesn't like you very much and is using the mental health card to get away with anything he can.

Tealsapphire makes a very good point, are his mental health issues taken out on you only?

Ah. So he chooses to treat you in one way when the kids are around, and another way when they aren't.

That says to me that he is well in control of his faculties, and is able to pick and choose when to be a bastard towards you. So he is doing it deliberately, and lying and gaslighting not only you, but his therapist as well.

On one hand, you all make a good point that he is obviously able to control himself if he's only terrible to me when the children aren't around to see it. But it's usually following us interacting rather than it simmering under the surface all the time, although he can switch on a dime. Like I am making him angry, although I don't particularly know what I'm doing beyond existing or being sad because of the way he's treated me.

I've just come home now and he's come out of the office to say hello to me, something he has complained about "having to do" in the past (I don't make him), when I didn't respond in the way he liked he followed me downstairs and I said I don't know why you're doing this and he got snipey and angry at that too. To be honest I'm just trying to stay out of his way right now because I don't know what exactly will set him off, although it's usually me not acting as if the way he's behaving as acceptable, whether it's if I bring something up with him directly (which I have stopped doing) or don't respond in the way he expects.

He's asked for a divorce.

Give it to him as it will only get worse.

I also agree with @junebirthdaygirl ’s advice. Focus on yourself and your children, and emotionally detach from him.

The example you’ve just given of him following you downstairs, because you didn’t react the way he wanted you to, is very controlling. He says hello to you, you say a polite hello back and get on with what you’re doing. You don’t have to engage further if you don’t wish to.

Start detaching and let him decide how he’s going to sort out his problems out.

And if he wants a divorce, let him get on with it. It sounds like a threat, tbh. Behave the way I want you to, or I’ll divorce you. Let him if he wants to.