So this is probably a bit of a long one but I'll try to get everything out so I don't drip feed.
My husband has become increasingly depressed since his mother passed away 2 years ago, he went on antidepressants in December and started seeing a therapist about a month ago. He has been depressed before and has said after the fact that when he is like that he tends to be very destructive with regards to his life and our relationship, and when he comes out the other side he apologises and we move on. This time he is worse than he has ever been and is saying he wants a divorce.
About 18 months ago we had a problem with a flat that we rent out (slow leak causing damage that needed to be fixed), he got about half way through sorting it and then apparently "begged" for me to take over. I didn't feel confident taking over the whole thing as I was completely lost on what had already been done and had never been involved in the flat being rented out. Plus it was December and anyone with kids knows that I was pretty overwhelmed with Christmas things that seem to take over that month, things he never helps with. However, I helped in any way I could, searching for an alternative accommodation for tenants, helping him make decisions on products etc, researching things like tiles etc.
His depression (or the tablets he takes for it) causes him to be forgetful and misremember things, he will also be making a point and then two minutes later push to opposite point (e.g. "we need to bring up things that are upsetting us then and there" will turn into "we need to not get so bothered by everything and wait to calm down" two minutes later and then deny he said the first thing). He will also hear things that I didn't say, for example when I brought up the memory thing as a genuine concern I asked "what's going on with you" and he heard "what's wrong with you" which is obviously different. I feel like when he speaks to his therapist he isn't necessarily telling her exactly what happened and just the way he misremembered it and the therapist said that I may be emotionally abusing him and he has clung onto this as fact. I am aware this sounds bad and I'm obviously very upset at this turn of events. I am also aware that making someone question their reality is a form of emotional abuse but surely that doesn't count if their version of reality is currently unstable?
So I asked him how had I possibly emotionally abused him and this lead to me booking an appointment with my own therapist (because if I am unknowingly emotionally abusive then they would know, he also has concerns that I have OCD but I don't so figured I would talk about this as well) and him giving me a list of all the ways I have emotionally abused him. The list was 4 pages long and listed things like "criticizing appearance - pointing out when I have food in my teeth" and "criticizing when I have not done a job to YOUR standards" and also things that were completely misremembered like never supporting him in his job because I got angry that he said he was doing a 90 minute job interview (a test without an interviewer) and didn't come down for 5 hours without keeping in contact about that and disregarding all the other times I have helped him work out his job options and helped him rank them so he can figure out which one to accept. And everything I do or say gets twisted to fit into this version he has of me that is abusive or obsessive compulsive or unsupportive.
So he said that doing this list highlighted to him how completely unsupportive I am and reminded him how angry he was about the leak in the flat thing. And he is so, so angry with me about it. Like being really nasty and downright cruel. He is also saying he wants a divorce because of this incident that has really "scarred him emotionally". We have an appointment with a couple therapist next week but I feel like he's not going into it with an open mind (or clear mind).
Outside of these depressive episodes our marriage is really good and they don't happen very often (approx 3 times in 12 years), we have two primary school aged kids as well and I can't bear the thought of our marriage blowing up because he is in self destruct mode and that he may come out the other side regretting it and having caused all this pain to me and the kids.
Quite frankly I guess I needed to rant for a bit and maybe hear from people who went through something similar and if it turned out ok. And maybe get some tips about marriage counselling and how to hold my own a little around the house as I am currently hiding out in our bedroom (he's sleeping downstairs) if the kids are in bed as he seems to get nasty when the kids aren't around thankfully. There's also loads more stuff that has happened but this post is already too long and this is the gist of the current problem I'm experiencing.