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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to cope with OW situation and be sane

74 replies

thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 17:21

So here goes .. the father of my children walked out last year abruptly didn’t see it coming. Although he had an emotional affair a year before I thought we were in a better place and thought it was over I’m guessing now it probably never really shut down and there was an overlap. This has been hard to process and yeah I know I was a fool..

I always thought I would walk if I was cheated on in a relationship but when it happened and I didn’t have definite proof I wanted to work on things due to the length of time we had been together and having small children.

It took me months to get over the shock of him leaving but it’s one thing after another. It’s coming up to six months and legally nothing has budged with the housing and childcare arrangements. He refuses to do any school days and has them weekends at his mums.

i found out from him that he is seeing the OW who was ‘just a friend’ that I had nothing to worry about haha

he came round last night saying he wanted to talk he has now told me they are considering becoming business partners and she wants to buy him a house for him and our girls to live in. I feel it’s all madness she is twice my age and has twice as many children. I feel sad he left for money we were well off to be honest not rich but didn’t have to worry about money but I guess she is rich on another level and I feel she has just bought her way into my life.

i know I should be angry at him alone but this women would message me lying on his behalf when I would find condoms when I was recovering from having surgery from early stages of cervical cancer. I just think fuck you fuxk them. The angry is consuming. His family never said anything to him and I was dropped by them too. It’s like I am the bad person in it all. He left saying he was having a break down but he basically jumped ship to her. He refused to end it to my face after ten years and for first few months didn’t talk to me.

it takes every strength to not want to turn up and just punch this women. I hate how my children will be around her. I hate how I meant so little. Putting my girls to bed at night and them crying wanting their Dad and he’s just living it up with a women he admits he isn’t even attracted to. Make it make sense. I feel too embarrassed to talk to friends about it anymore. I think I’m doing okay then bam another bomb shell.

I don’t want to end up bitter. I just feel so betrayed. I feel like I never knew him at all. I try to bring myself some comfort that he will likely do similar to here but it actually just makes me feel sad as then it would all be for nothing if that makes sense.

OP posts:
thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 17:24

Oh and then when he was leaving after telling me all that he said he wants to possibly come home and he thinks he’s messed up. I just feel fucked about. Like he wants to comfort of building this new life but chucks me a breadcrumb to keep me on the back burner.

OP posts:
GargoylesofBeelzebub · 30/06/2024 17:26

Have you heard of the chump lady site?

www.chumplady.com

Scarletttulips · 30/06/2024 17:28

I’d take this as a reason to push for a divorce - if she’s so wealthy she can buy him a house, let her, and you keep yours.

He’s housed, you are housed.

i hope he’s paying maintenance!!

If not go to CMS, two incomes?? Even better.

Beautifulbythebay · 30/06/2024 17:30

Well if she buys him a house in his name that's an asset to be shared...

thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 17:35

I wake up and I feel this can’t be real. I had a work thing early the next morning and he turned up at 10 at night and stayed for 3 hours and at one point he wanted to fall asleep on the sofa and I was like absolutely not. He then said I was right about how this will all go to shit. She left he husband at the same time so she’s saying she will pay for it out of her divorce.

She has four sons and always wanted daughters and I just feel uneasy. She would try get him to meet up with her in secret with them when we were together it honestly makes me feel sick. I know she will try but they’re approval. It’s like a primal thing inside me to want to not let her around them but I know I have no say in this I just have to be the sane household for them.

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaydogs · 30/06/2024 17:36

Smells like a potential marital asset to me!

Let her buy him an house and then take him for everything you can. Go for 100% of your marital home as a settlement if you can because if he’s going self employed you won’t be getting any child support.

And read Chumplady!

Ukhotelsareshit · 30/06/2024 17:36

They are a pair of cunts who are well suited. Honestly, I know it’s hard but, other than making sure he is paying everything he owes, leave them to it. The BEST revenge you will have is a life well lived. People like them, who screw others over, will never have that.

DaughterNo2 · 30/06/2024 17:40

Why are you letting him turn up at 10pm? Surely your children would have already been in bed?

DaughterNo2 · 30/06/2024 17:44

thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 17:24

Oh and then when he was leaving after telling me all that he said he wants to possibly come home and he thinks he’s messed up. I just feel fucked about. Like he wants to comfort of building this new life but chucks me a breadcrumb to keep me on the back burner.

And unfortunately this is exactly what he’s doing. Breadcrumbing you, to keep you as another option.
I know it’s horrible and you will be shell shocked at the moment but you need to know, it does get better when you draw some lines / stop allowing him to do this 🌺

thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 17:47

I didn’t he just came through the back garden. Our kids at his mums as it the weekend.

sadly I wanted him back for a long time. He would just say he doesn’t know what he wants. I’ve honestly been the biggest fool. Sorry if I’m not making sense I have slept. I’m turning 30 soon, I just thought I had it all and I don’t know why but him leaving for a women in her 60s I just don’t get it. No age shame just when you think someone who cheats you assume it be someone younger than you but it being an older women it’s like she knew how much pain this would cause surely.

I just don’t get how they think this will work it’s all built on lies.

OP posts:
thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 17:49

He used to work for her and that’s when it started. She would message him at night saying how much he means to her. Then would message me saying they are just great friends and would congratulate me on my work achievements was so bizarre.

sorry I’m just venting. Will read chump lady. Seen it recommended on here a few times.

OP posts:
pandasorous · 30/06/2024 17:55

well OP, soon he will be cheating on the OW with someone else

make sure to get as much from the divorce settlement as you can. you living your life, being happy is the best revenge you can get

and don't worry, your children will see straight through the OW

gardenmusic · 30/06/2024 17:55

It sounds like he wants to live with the money, and have an affair with you!

Let her house him, then get your divorce.

Colinthedaxi · 30/06/2024 17:57

You are "turning thirty soon" - brilliant, you have the best years of your life ahead of you. It will be difficult but honestly head up, deep breath, be brave - move on and leave him well behind.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/06/2024 17:58

OK first things first whatever you feel about her this is all on HIM. HE cheated on you when you were at your most vulnerable. HE left you. HE is giving you crumbs. Thus is all on HIM . Take her out of the occasion in that respect.

On the other hand by all means use the fact within your divorce that she is rehousing him at no cost to take him for the house if you can afford to continue a mortgage or for a high share of equity if not. Don't waste ill feeling on her. She gets a cheating scumbag and you get rid and have the means because of her to get a decent settlement.

Mouswife · 30/06/2024 18:01

Hugs OP….but time for action. See a solicitor and stop making things easy for this horrible man.
one day you will celebrate the day you split, and got rid of so much dead weight. I raise a glass to the day my ex left. One day you will too.

also just to add - you lose em the way you got em ! He will cheat on her …and that will be that!

MrsSchrute · 30/06/2024 18:04

Who do you think is better off here -

The man who left his wife and is now with someone he admits he isn't attracted to?

The woman who is having to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds to keep a man interested?

Or the woman who is rid of a lying husband, has two beautiful children, and a whole life ahead of her???

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, you're the winner here op!

thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 18:06

Thank you ladies. It’s been good to have a little vent.

Yeah this is true about them having each other. In a few years time I’ll look back and hopefully just see it as a lucky escape. It’s humiliating though. It’s done my self esteem in.

OP posts:
thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 18:08

MrsSchrute · 30/06/2024 18:04

Who do you think is better off here -

The man who left his wife and is now with someone he admits he isn't attracted to?

The woman who is having to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds to keep a man interested?

Or the woman who is rid of a lying husband, has two beautiful children, and a whole life ahead of her???

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, you're the winner here op!

Thank you this is so true. Just can’t believe money swayed him. An just like that he’s okay to leave his family behind. Telling myself time will help and six months is still fresh.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 30/06/2024 18:14

All the posters saying get the house in the divorce. OW is not that stupid! The house will be his divorce present from his new sugar mumma.

OP let him prostitute himself. Don’t let the kids around her.

thiscantbemylife · 30/06/2024 18:18

honestly hate it. My girls are young primary school age and I have to just pretend for their sake but at the same time it’s like he’s got off Scott free. I’m sad his mother hasn’t said anything like his whole family value money over everything it seems. The girls don’t want to see him most the time when it’s his time with them. They cling to me and I feel helpless. He spends his time smoking weed and drinking and made out he was getting help with that but it was always her.

OP posts:
Elasticatedtrousers · 30/06/2024 18:23

Sweetheart, affairs are unlikely to be happy endings. It really is something like 3-5% survive after five years. Add the fact she is significantly older (not ageist I am am older woman) and the whole thing is unlikely to survive. He will end up with a whole heap of egg on his face.

BUT and I say this super super gently and as someone who has been there, she is NOT the problem. HE IS!

There will always be people willing and able to have affairs with coupled people, even ones who will actively pursue them (and yes the OW in my situation was like this) but your husband was the one who allowed her in. His need for validation and ego kibbles was second to your sexual, emotional and mental health. He is a selfish entitled arse!

And she has ‘won’ a selfish entitled arse. And he has ‘won’ a woman happy to cheat on her partner.

You however have your whole beautiful life with your beautiful girls ahead of you. But the next couple of years will be hard as you heal. But you will and like a phoenix you will rise.

Get a copy of leave a cheat gain a life and realise just how tragic and predictable it all is and start to find your roar.

Seek legal advice and (while your husband is still desperate to keep hold of all those ego kibbles from the both of you) use his game playing to your advantage.

You deserve better, honestly SO MUCH BETTER!!!

Elasticatedtrousers · 30/06/2024 18:26

‘He spends his time smoking weed and drinking and made out he was getting help with that but it was always her.’

Affairs can often be highly addictive in themselves. Sounds like he has more issues than just his basic selfishness and entitlement.

Greatmate · 30/06/2024 18:46

He's a liar. He's a cheat. He has no loyalty. He has no self respect. It really doesn't matter who he's done it with. If he wants to sell himself for a few quid that's his business. Don't do the pick me dance. He has nothing to offer you.

Unfortunately, you can't dictate who's around your kids when it's his time with them. Hopefully, she will be kind to them. I know them building a relationship with her will be painful and difficult for you but their no point ruminating over something you have no control over.

I think you need better boundaries. I wouldn't allow him in the house. He can pick up and drop off at the door. He doesn't need to sit with you. You and him have nothing to discuss. Id communicate only via text or email. That communication should only be about the children.

I also think you should progress the divorce ASAP.

DullFanFiction · 30/06/2024 19:06

I think it’s time for you to take control. Youll feel much better for it too.

Time to agree in proper visitation, when he has his children, how much CM he is going to pay.
Time to go and see a shit hot lawyer and sort out the divorce. He wants to sort it now that it is in his interest. Probably pushed by the OW who needs him to start said business. A dangerous idea me think but here we go.
Take control, tell him what will happen rather than waiting for him to decide which crumbs he is happy to give to you.

In the mean time, gather some support network around you. Create it if it has sort of disappeared (whatever the reason).
You can do it! And as PP have highlighted, you are the one in the best position just right now. You have your whole life in front of you. A life you can create as you wish Wo being lumbered with a loser so attracted to money he is happy to live with someone he isn’t attracted to just for that.

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