How to cope with OW situation and be sane

[thiscantbemylife]

So here goes .. the father of my children walked out last year abruptly didn’t see it coming. Although he had an emotional affair a year before I thought we were in a better place and thought it was over I’m guessing now it probably never really shut down and there was an overlap. This has been hard to process and yeah I know I was a fool..

I always thought I would walk if I was cheated on in a relationship but when it happened and I didn’t have definite proof I wanted to work on things due to the length of time we had been together and having small children.

It took me months to get over the shock of him leaving but it’s one thing after another. It’s coming up to six months and legally nothing has budged with the housing and childcare arrangements. He refuses to do any school days and has them weekends at his mums.

i found out from him that he is seeing the OW who was ‘just a friend’ that I had nothing to worry about haha

he came round last night saying he wanted to talk he has now told me they are considering becoming business partners and she wants to buy him a house for him and our girls to live in. I feel it’s all madness she is twice my age and has twice as many children. I feel sad he left for money we were well off to be honest not rich but didn’t have to worry about money but I guess she is rich on another level and I feel she has just bought her way into my life.

i know I should be angry at him alone but this women would message me lying on his behalf when I would find condoms when I was recovering from having surgery from early stages of cervical cancer. I just think fuck you fuxk them. The angry is consuming. His family never said anything to him and I was dropped by them too. It’s like I am the bad person in it all. He left saying he was having a break down but he basically jumped ship to her. He refused to end it to my face after ten years and for first few months didn’t talk to me.

it takes every strength to not want to turn up and just punch this women. I hate how my children will be around her. I hate how I meant so little. Putting my girls to bed at night and them crying wanting their Dad and he’s just living it up with a women he admits he isn’t even attracted to. Make it make sense. I feel too embarrassed to talk to friends about it anymore. I think I’m doing okay then bam another bomb shell.

I don’t want to end up bitter. I just feel so betrayed. I feel like I never knew him at all. I try to bring myself some comfort that he will likely do similar to here but it actually just makes me feel sad as then it would all be for nothing if that makes sense.

I do think you can hate the OW! From what you've said she got off on tormenting you as well.

But whatever she thinks she has you will be paying rent free space in her head.

You still need to focus on you and your DC.

Tbf I don’t think anyone said she couldn’t hate the OW or consider her ‘blameless’. I hate the OW with a passion. That’s my right. She was an absolute bitch to me BUT I wouldn’t have ever had to encounter her nasty, unpleasant, highly egocentric self IF my husband had been a safe and reliable partner. HE let the wolf in. HE opened that door. HE was supposed to protect and love his family and put them before his own selfish entitlement. HE DID NOT. Women like these exist. We all know it but I wouldn’t have ever known about this particular one, if he hadn’t allowed her into our lives. That is the point being made. It’s important to place the anger and pain in the right direction because that’s where the healing lies.

@thiscantbemylife my heart hurts for you, I know how lost you must feel. FWIW I made a list of things I’d do alone with the children and ticked them off, camping, mini break, day in the city, whatever, just start building memories together and setting yourself up as a new unit. I found this really raised my confidence and the children settled into a new routine quicker with every adventure. Keep seeking that legal advice and do start to accelerate a plan for complete financial independence. He is such a creep, and I have no doubt this will backfire on him.

I’m sorry for biting about not hating the OW it’s just very raw. She would buy gifts for my girls and has just been in the background this whole time. It annoys me how they get to start this new life for themselves which they had months to plan and I feel like a grenade was chucked into my life and our children’s.

He has blocked my phone number which is concerning as now there is only email in emergency.

I think I need to carry on knowing that the house is not secure. Save as much as possible get more security in my work and new job and accept my old life is truly gone and this has got to be a blessing which I hope I will see in time.

It’s my birthday next week I’m going into my 30s I still have time for a new life.
Our children are young that’s a blessing too.

‘I’m sorry for biting about not hating the OW it’s just very raw.’

Seriously you don’t need to apologise for hating her, there’s no doubt she’s a nasty piece of work having that much involvement with your family knowing what she was doing; I still hate the OW years later. But I do know that we need to focus our pain on the problem and that is the husband who cheated, because that’s when you heal quicker and don’t stay in limbo believing some narrative of ‘evil woman stealing lovely husband away’ the sooner we rip off those rose tinted glasses the sooner we can move on to a happier life.

To block you and leave the only contact as email just shows what a total mess he is. This is alongside the addictive traits you’ve mentioned. He is not safe for anyone right now. Try really hard to grey rock, no contact except finances and children and totally non emotional.

You’re so young. You will look back on this as a good thing as you start to realise how utterly broken this idiot is!

You will be better off without him.You'll see this, but maybe years down the line.
If the OW, wants to help him pay you off get what ever you can now.Often he may feel a bit guilty at this time so you need to use this to your advantage.
Yes that's manipilarive, but neither of these people are thinking of you .You need to protect yourself.

It's natural to feel angry, use the grey rock method as much as possible, as mentioned on Chumplady.Try to have no contact with this women, and little contsct with your ex only discussing finances, and the children.
I really wish you lots of luck, you are still young and you will come out the other end.

The OW has got herself a druggy selfish user.How does she think such a person will be like to live with as she ages, full of understanding and help? No your ex and this women will not go the distance.

Time to use that anger - he’s a loser, and lawyer up.

That's the spirit! You will rebuild and it will be better than it ever could be with him.
They did throw a grenade into your life. They just didn't count on you being so resilient.

He’s blocked my number do I say anything just seems so immature.

children are 4 and 6 and if anything happens I’ll have to email an emergency. Seems bonkers.

he has emailed about now doing a cohabitation order and part of me is taking it with a pinch of salt but like others have said it’ll be now or never whilst he has a little bit of guilt and desire to jump into his new life.

please tell me it gets easier sports day was horrible we both stood on either end of the race track he was there with his hood up it was just sad and awkward. It had affected our children well our oldest she had no confidence she used to be really sporty but it was like she didn’t want to do any of it when this is something she would of usually been so excited to be taking part in.

he never came to any of the children’s sports day or even first day of school now he wants to be at every single school thing. He never came to a parents evening school induction nothing why now? Is it to ease his guilt look good to the other women?

It will get easier in time.I am really sorry you have to go through this, find some support from friends.I hope you can find something to help you relax, in between.

I hope so it’s been like 7 months and I just think about it all the time. I know the answer is focus on myself and my life with the children but it’s got all consuming with the why would he do that? Why her? All his exs were like model looking he was on the shallow side for sure when it came to looks. Then builds a family is successful in his own right but then leaves for a women double his age with four kids and is head over heels it seems as she just so nice which is what he said from day one. Yet she had no problem crossing the line with someone who was being paid to work for her and to contribute to breaking up their family. Yeah really lovely.

She would message me saying well done on your business you are so talented whilst fucking the father of my kids. I can’t be upset I can’t be angry I have to just hold it down. It’s been 7 months which means to friends I should be over it by now so now I won’t bring it up. Please tell me the thoughts end?

I don’t know how she can be nice. Sure nice to him. Look wise not to be a bitch but she isn’t pretty not even easy on the eye. Think massive forehead from forehead face lifts but left the bottom natural and receeding gummy mouth and dresses like an old fashion granny yet he lives joggers and hoodies. I just don’t get it. It’s just because she has money and I don’t understand how you can be okay not being in your children’s lives everyday for something short lived and for money.
he said she’s providing him a way out of not having to work so hard and he’s tired of working.

what will our children think when they grow up? I just can’t get how some people can be swayed like that yet there are men who would do anything to see their kids everyday and keep the family unit together before knocking it on the head. He decided to jump
into a relationship before he left ours whilst making me feel mad the past few years. I remember one time picking up his boxers to put in washing machine and he snatched them off me and went crazy and it must of been because he had been up to no good. Going to the car to get something and him rushing out going well I thought you be stupid and get locked in. Within one minute of getting something out the glove box for the kids condom
stuff was in there. Did he reassure me no attacked me for asking about it and left the house that night and said it was from the previous car owner from 1 year prior and I believed this Jesus.

Im bisexual and last year he was like you work from home you must get lonely why not date women. He acted all caring and now I know he was offering that out the blue probably to ease his guilt to getting his piece on the side. It was so
bizarre, he was treating me awful but came out with this idea for me. It’s like the more months that pass I’ll be washing up and I’ll be like wait that’s why this happened.

sorry I keep using this space to rant. I know this isn’t helpful there are days I get stuck in a cycle it’s my birthday tomorrow think to is has triggered things for me.

Things will improve you're right in the middle of it.In the eye of the storm at present.Things don't stay tgis tense for ever.
The OW sounds nasty, of course she isn't a nice person.Give it time, this won't last too long he's probably trying to see what he can get out of her.
Obviously horrible for you.
You know what you have to do,get support from family and friends find things to take your mind off the situation.Do you have any hobbies like doing crosswords , knitting,suduko good things to take your mind off why, why me.

You sound very nice,and you're dealing with it all well.

You could try mindful meditation, breathing in concerntrating on your breath, bresthing out for 5.5 minutes being in the present.Not thinking about all the worry?

Don’t let this make you bitter. Yes you was betrayed and your life probably came down in ruins, but don’t let this make you into someone your not. You have to push back and not let it consume you in this way. If you turn bitter from it, it’s so so hard to get back to being yourself .

Get divorced while things are still sweet with her…it’ll soon turn nasty when he falls out with her and you won’t have him either!

My ex left abruptly, always denied OW but I suspect otherwise (he has been in a relationship with someone he was good friends with while we were still married).

I decided very early on that I didn't want to be bitter for everyone’s sakes, especially our children. He is a fantastic father and was a great husband. Our marriage was stormy at times and we grew apart. However I didn't see it coming and was reeling from the shock for months.

The separation was one of the toughest experiences of my life. I met someone new eventually. Last year myself, my partner, my ex, his girlfriend and our children spent Christmas Eve in the pub together. Life is too short for me personally for bitterness. I think the key for me at the start was acting calm even when I felt very far from it. It was hard but it worked. His girlfriend is great with our teenagers. I like the OW and on reflection, it was all for the best. Ex and I still look out for each other.

They aren’t married, at least read the thread.

I really want to get to that point I don’t know how I lashed at her when it came out. I felt like she bought my family and he just opted out of family life.

im telling myself it’s still raw and at times he wanted to come back so each time was like re living it all and going back to stage one I know now we have to cut contact. I cant see us all playing happy families in a pub somewhere. I think the atmosphere would be horrific even if we tried to pretend for the kids.

I’ll never bad mouth them to the girls my mum was like that and it was awful.

I just want to move on. Not by going into a relationship but I want to get to the point of indifference.

im trying breathing techniques, podcasts cold water therapy, therapy you name it.

what will our children think when they grow up?

That they have strong, loving mum who always has their backs and their dad is lazy, self-obsessed, gold-digging prick I imagine.

The only way you will start to get past this is to accept what’s happening, get your ducks in a row and start building a new life for yourself and your kids.

See your GP for a counselling referral. There are really good online services that you may be able to access within a few weeks.

Speak to the kids school and ask to have some support put in place for them.

Get the finances sorted, even if it means you have to move. It will be a wrench but you will create a new home that is just your and your girls’. Check ‘entitled to’ to see what benefits you can claim.

And arrange something to celebrate your 30th and your new life!

are you bored…

You don’t have to all be in a pub together, that wasn’t really my point. And I wouldn't have thought it either when he left. But you asked how not to be bitter. I think the fact that you are so aware that it could go that way for you and you wish to prevent it means that you will eventually find the peace that you hope for. The acting was the best thing for me. It was so hard to remain calm at times I was raging internally but in the long run, it was worth it. And most importantly the kids are stable and happy that their parents are stable and happy and they have good relationships with our respective partners.

OP, the thoughts will end, but you have to stop feeding them by doing things like looking at their social media and talking to them. What you're doing is trying to understand disordered people whose actions are never going to make sense. They don't think like you do. They were never real with you. They're fake, shallow, empty and totally messed up psychologically. Accept that they are awful people and that their behaviour reflects their character.

Seven months in is still pretty soon, so be gentle with yourself. Some people take years to recover.
Check out the chumplady.com blog for support.

I’m sorry for biting about not hating the OW it’s just very raw.

OP, please don’t apologise for your very natural anger towards the OW as well as your ex. They both wronged you; he had more responsibility towards you, but that doesn’t excuse the OW’s cruel selfishness.

It’s best not to let bitterness eat away st you, for the sake of your own mental health. But don’t be ashamed of your anger.

Edited- forgot I had already responded to this.