How to cope with OW situation and be sane

[thiscantbemylife]

So here goes .. the father of my children walked out last year abruptly didn’t see it coming. Although he had an emotional affair a year before I thought we were in a better place and thought it was over I’m guessing now it probably never really shut down and there was an overlap. This has been hard to process and yeah I know I was a fool..

I always thought I would walk if I was cheated on in a relationship but when it happened and I didn’t have definite proof I wanted to work on things due to the length of time we had been together and having small children.

It took me months to get over the shock of him leaving but it’s one thing after another. It’s coming up to six months and legally nothing has budged with the housing and childcare arrangements. He refuses to do any school days and has them weekends at his mums.

i found out from him that he is seeing the OW who was ‘just a friend’ that I had nothing to worry about haha

he came round last night saying he wanted to talk he has now told me they are considering becoming business partners and she wants to buy him a house for him and our girls to live in. I feel it’s all madness she is twice my age and has twice as many children. I feel sad he left for money we were well off to be honest not rich but didn’t have to worry about money but I guess she is rich on another level and I feel she has just bought her way into my life.

i know I should be angry at him alone but this women would message me lying on his behalf when I would find condoms when I was recovering from having surgery from early stages of cervical cancer. I just think fuck you fuxk them. The angry is consuming. His family never said anything to him and I was dropped by them too. It’s like I am the bad person in it all. He left saying he was having a break down but he basically jumped ship to her. He refused to end it to my face after ten years and for first few months didn’t talk to me.

it takes every strength to not want to turn up and just punch this women. I hate how my children will be around her. I hate how I meant so little. Putting my girls to bed at night and them crying wanting their Dad and he’s just living it up with a women he admits he isn’t even attracted to. Make it make sense. I feel too embarrassed to talk to friends about it anymore. I think I’m doing okay then bam another bomb shell.

I don’t want to end up bitter. I just feel so betrayed. I feel like I never knew him at all. I try to bring myself some comfort that he will likely do similar to here but it actually just makes me feel sad as then it would all be for nothing if that makes sense.

He’ll go from having an older woman to being with an old woman, at which point he will bolt and leave her long behind, probably back to your door.

This shows you his character. He’ll leave his wife and children, use someone else for money, show zero loyalty to anyone, honestly in this case, the trash took itself out.

You’re young, have lovely girls, sound emotionally and mentally mature. You’ll bounce back and end up with a much better life than the life you were due to have with such a poor excuse of a man.

just realise it’ll take a bit of time to heal, and better days are coming your way.

You have every right to be angry and bitter. That is a normal reaction to being treated so horribly.
The way forward is to have as little contact with them as possible. Block them from texting you so they can't manipulate you further. You can give the ex an email address to use to address child visitation issues, but make it a separate one from your regular email so you only have to go there when you are feeling strong. There is no reason you should ever have to communication with OW.
Contact with toxic people poisons your spirit. Limit it and you can begin to heal.
They are scum. That's the reason they behave as they do.

Co-sign. A lifesaver.

OMG, why are you letting him be in your house? He's using the opportunity to mindfuck you. Please, no more of that. He can see the kids on his visitation days at his home. He can video call them other days. There is no need for him to come over and it only confuses the kids. If he is coming in uninvited, change the locks and tell him you'll report it to the police if he tries to get in.

@Ukhotelsareshit is correct 100%

I am really struggling today he flip flopped between wanting to come home again back to nah is new life is better. I’ve not been open with all the details but we weren’t married so I’m a sitting duck in our old home which he owns and he’s about to go into property business with this wealthy older lady.

my business is based here I think I want to move I’ve got a new job starting soon to go alongside my business income but my business will be on hold if I move and my youngest is about to start school and I don’t know if now is the time to move.

he said he would have a cohabitating agreement done but started it and couldn’t be bothered to carry it on and it’s been 7 months I don’t feel safe relying on him. We were engaged when I got pregnant and he we just never married it was Covid then every other excuse.

i don’t have family I can go to. I am really torn on what to do the house I am in with my girls is beautiful and close to their schools if I leave I don’t know if I’m going to ruin their childhood or make it better.

they still think he’s coming home and I think being in this house is like being stuck in time.

his mum also said they would sort it but I don’t believe them anymore. I feel trapped and the way he has treated me I don’t see how I can trust his word.

See a lawyer about your rights. It could be that your children may be permitted to stay in the family home with you.
Don't take the cheater's word about anything.

Thank you I have had a few free sessions but they couldn’t really confirm. They would ask if I had made any payments on house work done to the building.
like they were grasping at straws.

it’s all in his name. I’m going to have another session.

im torn between stay in the house or start over with a fresh start but I have no idea if it’ll be the best thing to do or be the worst mistake to take.

You don't really get a choice in whether or not you stay in the house, given you weren't married and it's in his name.

Jump before you're pushed, and go elsewhere.

What an absolute shit he is. Can you afford to go? I think you need to.
also sounds like she has a lot of money so may actually fund you to go away. Sounds awful but I would grab whatever you can
directly ask him to finance you starting again

Right op so there are no marital assets.

You need to take control.

Start the new job, save hard, work hard. Ignore the idiot ex, let him crack on with his new life.

Stay in the house for as long as you can whilst you save.

I have been a lone parent for 14 years, life is a lot easier than having a useless partner in it.

You do not need this man in your life he is dragging you down.

Thank you for your message.

this is why I’m torn I live currently in a big beautiful house my business workshops are here also. Walking distance from school. Work wise the job has more opportunities back where I used to live. I’m stuck between staying here or moving which means flipping the life of my children they are 6 and 4

I don’t think being here is good for them they still think he will come back. I don’t know what’s best to do. Money wise even with work I’ll need help with benefits. I don’t claim cms as he pays the mortgage here. He makes over 100k a year minimum with his business making millions but he moves money about I don’t know if he would actually pay cms or do something dodgey there.

Did you move somewhere with your kids after becoming a single mum?

I think you need a new start. If you stay you won't be able to move on. You'll also be constantly on edge wondering when / if he'll kick you out or move the goal posts.

Ask him for CM. If he moves money to limit his responsibility then he'd a piece of shit deadbeat. You can't do anything about it.

Sorry to hear you've been put through so much. The clouds will part but it must feel hellish. If you are able to, try to stay in the house as long as possible whilst you get your ducks in a row re: lawyers.

Could you change things in the house? You probably couldn't get rid of any of his stuff or redecorate but perhaps moving some things around and getting new furnishings and pictures on the wall would make it feel different for you and the kids and give you a project to take your mind off his arseholery. Definitely box up his things and put in an attic if you haven't already.

OP,this is your life and you are in charge of it.

Don’t rely on him or his family. They are not your friends and are not on your side.Do not believe what they say and keep your cards close to your chest.

Kids lives are not wrecked because of move. People relocate all the time for different reasons

Your relationship is finished. There’s nothing to salvage there.

Write down pros and cons of staying/moving.

Moving on your own accord gives you control of your life.You and only you decide what happens.Not knowing what’s behind the corner is always scary.

Staying- you’re on mercy of your ex. What happens if he decides to stop paying the mortgage tomorrow? The house is not in your name anyway.

By all means get legal advice what are you entitled to and can you prove any contribution to your house and set your wheels in motion.Do not inform ex of any proceedings.

Good luck 💐

Him getting together with a woman twice his age has made my skin crawl. But let them get on with it. I bet he does want to keep you onside but he's been messing with your head when you were very vulnerable.

I know it's hard to focus but he and his family are not your friends. I would move. You need a fresh start and you do not allow him into your new home. Your DC will be fine.

You have to put yourself and your DC front and centre. You cannot waste anymore time or energy on him or her.

@thiscantbemylife , I’m going against the grain here and I will say you can hate the ow ! My ex ended up with a total horror. However I will agree with others who say keep contact to a minimum and get legal advice. Sending massive empathy.

I understand what you are saying but the other woman my partner worked for her. She would msg me saying she just liked him as a friend when she would call and text middle of the night. They both lied to me for at least a year and now she is buying a home for my children to live in. She had four sons and always wanted girls it is painful to see is settled for a weak man and a woman who knew exactly how much this would hurt and mess with us all. I don’t believe the I can’t hate her two I have hate for them both in the bucket falls I am doing my best to not look like it shows in real life.

her being twice my partners age isn’t me making a dig it’s more I felt this women should know it wasn’t some young 21 yr old just becoming an adult she has a whole life of experience and knowledge and children of her own and her actions as well as my ex are shit. He worked for her it was grossly inappropriate at best.

knowing my ex family is all on board with it because she is rich stings also. I thought I was apart of the family I spent every Christmas with them from 2016.

Rant over I just find that annoying when people say you can’t blame the other women. I think if people cheat and they knew they have partners it’s shitty thing to do.

I sent an email to them today not being argumentative just discussing progress with the house and intentions moving forward.

I also have driving lessons booked in I have waited months for. He never wanted me to drive and I realise now he was very controlling on what I did with my life. Taking steps to get it back. Start my new job soon and got more advice today on how to move forward and putting in a claim for CMS

Thank you for your supporting messages. I’ve read so many threads on here it helps to see women have gone through similar and happier down the line. I just have to get past the guilt with making changes to my kids lives I didn’t make this happen he did and they will be happier in a healthier stable home. It’s not all about money I found being just present with my children is what they need.

What a bastard!

How have you been organising household expenses during your relationship?

He's been paying the mortgage on his house that you have no claim on, unfortunately.

What else? What access to money do you have?

Your dc’s are still little.
You are not going to destroy their life if you move away at that age. They won’t have the network of friends etc… they would have if they were teenagers.

So this is not something I’d worry about.

Being able to see their dad would be more if a concern fir me.

Otherwise, I agree with @jeaux90 .
You dint have any claim on the house so you need to make the best out of it. Start that new job, do those workshops. Learn to drive and save, save, save.
Staying is ‘unreliable’ in that he might well decide he needs the money (or has actually split up with the ow and needs the house etc…) but in the mean time, you are saving loads. Use that to your advantage.
Then decide what is best for you. Staying in the area, moving. It will probably become a bit clearer as time goes.

Hi OP. If I were you I would refuse to speak to him. Ever again. Re the kids / money whatever you can text but he would never hear the sound of my voice again and if he tried to step in to the house I would step out.

I knew of a similar situation.

I knew the wealthy woman who basically bought and paid for a male to leave his young family.
Anyway he left, set up in the most lovely home, it meant he had little or no need to work and then they married. They stayed together and he began cheating, spending vast amounts of money to entertain ow and generally led her a dogs life.

He left her, heartbroken and entitled to a good chunk of money.
The last I heard was the woman's family were after retribution for hurting and humiliating her.

Everyone else just thought karma.

Op he won't ever be reliable or safe, he needs to go and if I were you I'd never allow him to look in your eyes again.

OP you asked me a question about what I did when I became a lone parent.

What I did was move to where I could afford a property.

Where I had some support

Worked my arse off, got promoted, saved money and took control of my life. Within 5 years I had tripled my salary through two job moves and got a deposit for a house etc

To do the above you have to quickly move your mindset. Yes be angry but use the anger to achieve practical stuff. Take full advantage of the situation, even if that means trying to negotiate some money from him or just going to CMS.

Do not be afraid to rock the boat here, this is your life, he has cornered you, time to break free.

Things will get easier. You are better off without him. He's weak for being manipulated by the OW but that doesn’t reflect badly on you. Him and his family have shown their true character.
You, the kids and him need to know this is permanent. That he won’t be moving back in.
It sounds like you are focusing on your life to make it more stable for you and DC & that is the key thing.