Clingy and needy when apart, great in person

[enkelt]

Hi everyone. I started seeing this guy (single dad, 2 kids) about 6 months ago. Initially (like the first week), I was glad to find someone very communicative. We text and video call every day and we meet up 2-3x/week. He is open about his past and generally just very sweet. He's the opposite of the ghosting types, or those who feign interest for sex, or those who feel lukewarm about me.

But soon, I started feeling suffocated. I mean, there were typical "red flags" all over the place. He said he loved me pretty much the 2nd or 3rd date. He'd call me 2-10x/day, all video-calls, as he works outdoors and has a lot of free time. The thing that creeps me out a little is that he would call for literally 10 seconds or so, "just to see my face", or just to tell me he loves me. I've told him many times that it doesn't feel right "to be looked at" but he says he misses me. I don't know if I should feel flattered or uncomfortable.

In the very beginning, there was worse behaviour. For example, he'd take my phone and check my communication history. He'd get very emotional if he saw I talked to a male, non-colleague person. When I told him I'd be meeting a female friend, he'd call more that day. He'd make sure to see the friend on videocamera. Such behaviour (phone-checking) stopped after I told him it made me uncomfortable. Also, if he interrupted my other calls or if I missed a call, he'd send quite aggressive messages like "you're speaking with/meeting another person/boy".

I thought about ending things about 2-3 months in. The scariest thing is, surprisingly, not his behaviour, but the change in my behaviour. For example, I find myself screenshotting my call with another person when he interrupts, since I could then send the screenshot to show him I was speaking to my family. This was not something he demanded; it's something he's gradually "trained" me to do, because I'd rather do this than to argue. I also started deleting my WhatsApp history since he would check (he stopped doing this after 1 month, but still). The worst part is that I've started to expect his message and calls every 1 hour or so. This is damaging to my mind.

The thing is, it's difficult for me because he's 100% okay in person. I love spending time with him in person. And he's a great dad. If I could disregard his off-site communications, I would be happy. But unfortunately I can't. He's improved a bit, but whenever I catch some off-putting behaviour and call him out, he'd say it's because he "loves me too much" (which is actually the most off-putting response).

I find him very sweet and endearing but I'm not sure about love. My feelings for him are muddled by the confusion and suffocation. But somehow his "methods" have been so effective that I just can't break up completely. I tried 2 times. I tried doing it over video-calls, because I'd be weak if I met in person. Both times he didn't believe me, and said, we could meet over coffee. Then somehow I wasn't able to break up, because I'm 100% happy when I'm with him in person.

I don't know, something is seriously messed up, but I don't know what to do. It probably too difficult to change him and his behaviour with the phone just stresses me out, and it's not sustainable for me. But I am not sure about breaking up over the phone??? We don't live together but he knows where I live. He's probably not dangerous but still, I want a peace of mind by breaking up in person....

He's improved a bit, but whenever I catch some off-putting behaviour and call him out, he'd say it's because he "loves me too much" (which is actually the most off-putting response)

That would scare me witless. It sounds like an excuse for any abusive behaviour is excused under the guise of 'loving you too much' and a version of 'you drove me to do this because I love you too much,' i.e committing violence against himself or more likely you.

Op it's absolutely fine for you to break up with him,over the phone. You don't need to go in to details "this relationship is no longer working for me" and leave it at that. I'd be very careful indeed when you break up with him though. Make sure you have some strong male friends or members of your family around you. And tell people about the situation so they are aware and can protect you.

It alarms me that you cannot recognise that this man is not sweet at all! He really isn't nice in person; he is extremely controlling. And situations like this can escalate when the women puts her foot down and ends the relationship. Please be careful op and don't hesitate to report him to the police if he continues to harass you.

This. You owe this idiot NOTHING. Get rid.

First thing first is- you need to end it.

He sounds seriously unhinged. RUN !

Hi everyone, thanks for your messages. I feel much more confident about my judgement. I am writing an update for whoever might be in a similar situation (I doubt it, ha!) and need reassurance that exiting is possible.

While I was composing the post, I blocked him, for the very first time. I immediately felt a giant sense of relief. That's when it really sank in--that I didn't have to tolerate this, and that this sense of peace should be the default. Then I unblocked him, silenced notifications, carried on. Very soon, I saw his text: "Did you block me??" And started calling me. I explained I didn't want to pick up, and that things had ended for real. He kept telling me to pick up. I picked up, and I saw that he understood it's ended for real. He wrote a big paragraph explaining his feelings. I also replied with a big paragraph, explaining that I'm ending it. He called again, we spoke for 10 minutes, said goodbye. It's ended for real.

I didn't block him, and so far so good (by this time typically 2 calls and 3 messages already). I understand that he's probably not the stalking type but yes I'll be careful. I checked my desktop WhatsApp. In the hour I blocked him, he called 26 times. I am glad I ended things.

It's far from over on my end, as I will need some time and journaling to digest why I fell for this. I am slightly ashamed tbh, as it's not my first relationship. But it's such a relief for now. All I can say is that romance is overrated, peace of mind underrated.

Thanks for the advice and support.

Thanks for the update and well done for recognising him for what he is and getting out now. Onwards & upwards!! :)

I understand that he's probably not the stalking type but yes I'll be careful. I checked my desktop WhatsApp. In the hour I blocked him, he called 26 times. I am glad I ended things.

OP that is absolutely the behaviour of a stalker.

You need to be really careful.

Keep him blocked and do not engage.

While I was composing the post, I blocked him, for the very first time. I immediately felt a giant sense of relief. That's when it really sank in--that I didn't have to tolerate this, and that this sense of peace should be the default

Just keep that at the forefront of your mind, OP, and keep blocking.

Text that it’s over and then block him. Otherwise he will spiral and you’ll get hundreds of replies and begging. Block and ignore .

Agree with this. Anyone who calls 26 times a day let alone an hour is fucking unhinged and definitely capable of being a stalker.

Be vigilant OP and don’t engage with any attempts at contact because there will be various attempts. Block him and keep him blocked. DO NOT be lulled into a false sense of security

I also agree that this man’s behaviour IS 100% the behaviour of a stalker, there is no question about it. I’m not sure of the best course to take, blocking will give you the relief, however if you are clear it’s over and then just mute him, you can see how his behaviour progresses and have evidence of it if it escalates.

Be very clear it’s over and there will be no more contact, collect his messages to see if the obsessive pattern continues, then you can use them if you need to get any sort of restraining order. If you block straight away, he may start seeking you out.

Someone you have just broken up with, should from that day forward leave you alone completely, end of, any unwanted communication should not ever happen!

I'd tell the police about him, OP. Ask them for a Clare's Law disclosure.

He'll have previous convictions for abuse and stalking.

Just block no explanation end of!!

Oh just seen your updated !!! All the best

Well done OP. Long ago I also felt relief and then ended up getting back together, which was a big mistake. Look after yourself.

Mate there absolutely no need to put up with this behaviour with someone you’ve known two seconds. Happy to see the update and I agree that some self reflection is definitely needed

Guys, you were right. He is obsessed and controlling. I was wrong; it wasn't over. He wouldn't leave me alone. It's been three days now since the breakup. He's been sending multiple messages and calling on WhatsApp. I said I didn't want to video chat. He said, "open camera, this is the last time." "If you don't speak to me on the phone, I will come to your place." I was genuinely scared so I spoke to him with camera on. I was screaming the whole time on the phone. I don't even remember what we spoke about and he wasn't even looking at me during the call. I think it's truly a power thing. Then I informed him that I was blocking him. He said he understood. I didn't block; instead I just turned off my notification, turned off read receipts, and left the phone on silence the whole time. He kept messaging to the void and also started emailing.

I was worried he might contact my family so I replied to 1-2 emails. I asked him to stop calling and sending messages on WhatsApp, we can email. I thought this might slow things down. He did stop writing messages on WhatsApp (well, from 50x/day to 3x/day, I consider that "stopping"). He replied to my email, and then sent some more. He oscillated between "understanding (the breakup)" and "wanting to get back together." He also sent one-line emails like "call me 1 second then hang up". The last email I sent was telling him that I'd be using airplane mode, and if this continued, I'd inform the police.

He replied saying that he was not, as I claimed, "scary." He ignored the comment on the police.

After 1.5 days of fully ignoring him (absolutely no contact), he then sent me a live location update this afternoon, showing me that he's at an eatery near my place. He asked me to come down and join him. I didn't see the message until 3 hours later, by which point I know he'd left. Finally, I just received an email with the message "Thank you for everything [my name]." And an attached picture of some flowers he'd taken (I don't recognise where that is). I take it that he's finally given up?

I am very conflicted about what to do. First, I am tempted to contact the police now. But at the same time I want to give it 2 days, because the very last message felt like a real closure. Second, I feel that even if I contact the police, and there's some restraining order, I still won't have the peace of mind. As in, I think he knows me new work place, and he could linger there? Third, I think perhaps give it 2-3 days of silence, and I meet him in public and really hammer the message, tell him that it's a clean break up? I feel that this would give the best closure and would actually be more effective than contacting authority.

I am afraid that I'm not the best judge on what he wants. On the one hand he seems to really want to get back together. But on the other hand I feel that it's all a big power manoeuvre from the very beginning and he didn't care who I really was-- in fact, that he saw me as lacking personality and meek might actually be why he is so obsessed.

I do not want to die, but I also don't want to move because I'm not the one who did anything wrong??.

I feel incredibly sad and outraged that so many women have to go through this. I'm just at a loss, feeling stupid, and, for the first time in my life, feeling worthless. I just don't feel like a life where you have to constantly walk on eggshells is worth living.

OK I was wrong. while I was writing this, he sent a text saying "come on". I feel helpless. what if I get killed. what if this drags on forever?.

Go to the police with all the evidence you have and report him, this doesn't sound like his first time.

Have you done a Clare's Law application on him?

Does his name begin with a C by any chance sounds worryingly familiar

If you’re unsure about calling the police, call this stalking helpline for advice.

stop responding to the psycho until you’ve had some advice.

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/refer-someone-to-us

You need to be strong, and firm.

delete and block everywhere.
It is over. full stop.
you have told him it is over - believe it.

if he turns up at your home, ring 999 for the police
do not engage with him
do not open the door to him
close curtains if needed
do not engage with him
ring 999 for the police

Call the police. They take harassment very seriously. Keep every message as evidence.

By this point OP, after all these messages, it’s at the point that it isn’t going to go away on its own, think of him like an infection at this stage, your going to need medication to get rid of it, that medication is the police.

Well done on being brave and holding strong while collecting all this evidence against him, you will be listened to and taken seriously, this is not your fault, it’s extremely bad luck when anyone encounters these dwebes that latch on to people and won’t let go, but you can be rid of him. Contact that advice line mentioned previously, but do please contact the police.