Not that girl

[Time2TalkHonest]

Hi all,

Hope you are all well.

This is new to me but my head is spinning.

6 Years ago I married the biggest love of my life.
Handsome. Kind. Loving. Supportive. Best Friends and not to mention our sex life was lush.

We ticked every box for a fantastic marriage.

Bought a house, new car, all was going amazingly well.

I was so happy, but now and again my trauma as a child would peak its ugly face at me but with a fantastic husband someone I could trust I would paddle through it all and it was all good.

Fast forwards four year into our marriage I found out my husband faced some small issues, but not big enough to address them with me.

I confided in my best friend. She was amazing.
Out of the blue one day I was looking after her son I found a very detailed love letter to her from my husband. They've had an affair. I confronted my husband and he confessed. I immediately kicked him out and filed for divorce. I was heart broken. I lost my husband and best friend.

2 years after it all went down I saw me ex husband and we started talking again and of course it went from there. We are both single and fallen in love.

I own my own house and car, good job in finance, overall happy out.

I've explained how badly he hurt me and starting again would carry baggage in terms of trust and I was scared.

Until last night all was going okay until he said.
"If you had done xyz back then I don't think I would have cheated".

I was like a slap, so I said. I'm sorry. That is lame or inconsiderate. I can't nor will I come back in after you had your fun. We're done. Really done.
I've now blocked him on my phone.

Just need a reality check from the outside world.

Am I Right or Wrong ?

Thank you all and have a wonderful weekend.

Go easy on yourself OP. It’s a double whammy you’ve got to recover from. All the old feelings and now the new.

These cheating lying men aren’t all bad or we wouldn’t get sucked into their world in the first place.

You really let your guard down letting him back in again. And it hurts now that you realise he has no genuine remorse for it. And he would do it again if he wanted to. Especially if you had accepted any tiny part of the ‘xyz’ conversation to be true.

It isn’t true. He wanted to sleep with your friend and he did. He was writing love letters to her. On my life actual love letters while he was marrried to you. You didn’t make him write those. Has he put one through your door yet?

He is free now to get on with all the adventurous sexploits that he hinted you should have been up for.

He really has lost the best thing that ever happened to him, but OP he was already taking you for granted again and gaslighting you. He just doesn’t know the value of what he has when he has it.

Don’t accept this shabby specimen back. You deserve more. Someone who knows exactly how fabulous you are. And shows it. Surround yourself with all the people who care about you and start making fun plans for the weekend.

💐

Firstly thank you for taking the time for reply to me and being so human and considerate in your reply.

Back when we were married the xyz he referred to was me being more accommodating to his sexual needs even though he said it's the best sex he ever had. Even went as far as saying he was fantasising about me while having sex with other women after we divorced.

Even that could be seen as flattering but I found it disrespectful to the woman he was with.

When I found the love letter to my best friend back then and I threw him out and filed for divorce he was admitted to hospital due to his diabetes and I was called as next of kin. He clearly remember stating to him. I can forgive you but let's sell the house and move. Try again and work together building this marriage. The answer was no back then.

Today his reason was he could not say yes as he would never be able to look me in my eyes knowing how deeply he hurt me. Fair enough hence I back then continued with my divorce.

He was my biggest love. I trusted him and I loved him unconditionally. But he really broke my heart.

He later stated he let go of my hand due to jealousy as I am a pretty girl and he got insecure.

Right fine but how about you had sat down and talked to me.

After I moved on. Bought new house and settled down on my own I stopped loving him but never stopped caring. I always hoped he made the right decision with my best friend and was happily married perhaps even a kid. But no she kicked him out four months later after their affair.

Speak to him again I felt the remorse in the beginning and I could feel our connection. I felt that incredible love and was willing to forgive. Said to him. With our past it will take a lot of effort from your side as you really hurt me.

But then, but then small signs showed up. If I had done xyz he may not have cheated. Other small bits that I can't pinpoint but I could feel. Nagging feeling was that his love could flip to being able to hurt me.

I am glad I walked away and blocked him.

But again he's left sadness and pain both from past and present. I am so confused. How did I allow to get so invested again and then I walked again.

So confused. But defo not coming back. I am worth more than people mistreating me including him and his family and friends.

Thank you so much again.

Just need to lick my wounds and it will be okay.

He defo can't write me. He doesn't know my email address Home address. Nothing. Blocked him on my mobile and FB.

You will be OK OP. I thought you had been seeing each other seriously again but if he hasn’t been to your house then hopefully there has not been too much time invested in him.

In the hospital that time, he said no because he wanted to give it a go with your friend. It was nothing to do with looking into your hurt eyes.

Also what greasy BS saying you were too pretty. He married you OP. He wanted to be with someone pretty. Then he got some idea in his head that your friend was more sexually adventurous or whatever. Maybe she told him she would do the things he wanted you to do. I’m glad it didn’t work out for them.

You got invested again because you loved him enough to marry him once. You thought he regretted his mistakes and wanted it to work. You have walked away again because your gut knows he’s a wrong ‘un. He hasnt changed. He still doesn’t take responsibility.

You gave him a chance OP. Now you have the chance to be free to meet your real true love.

I’ve been in a similar situation. I walked away again too. He hadn’t really changed. I thought he was the big love. I was wrong and I met a better one. So will you.

🌸

I am really sorry to hear you had to walk again from your ex. Hopefully you are comfortable in your decision to walk again.

Either way it can be painful.

Were you also married?

No we went for lots of walks and dinners. I was at his house. We talked all night. We slept together. He had briefly touched the idea of me remarrying him.

I had my guard up hence I didn't want him to come to my house yet.

And then bang he said what he said. He gave me the impression i was not worth fighting for.
But something i mentioned to him and we talked about it. Funny enough I accepted it until the famous xyz came up I knew I was done.

I am so annoyed at myself as I could feel I was falling in love again but knew I had to walk away.

Still hurts but I just can't. As I said to him. I can't live a life with you maybe doing nothing but yet living in fear that you will.

I wrote him the last message before blocking him saying. I love you. But I can't any more. The constant fear is not going to do me or you any good. Live your life but not with me in it.

I am ok but I can defo feel I am hurt and deflated.
He was my big love. The man I have loved the most. Someone I trusted. An unconditional love where his affair could have been forgiven. I just loved him but he broke me and I can't choose him over me.

I chose me this time.

Hope you're okay. We will both be fine. Amazing as we are. Xx

Give yourself time to dust yourself off and be very proud of yourself.

Your exH's and BF's betrayal was the lowest of the low, and for him to try and justify it to you beggars belief. Horrible people.

You on the other hand deserve so much more, and very importantly you know your worth. You really will be just fine 💐

Time is a healer and other times it's a hindrance

Yes @Time2TalkHonest , I have absolutely no regrets about walking away and am not bothered if we never cross paths again.

I met someone else who was far more intelligent and a lot more fun. Think that might have been the final realisation that better is out there. I’ve been a lot happier since then! You will be too in a few months.

😊

How can this be happening.

At 2 last night I got a right hammering on my door. Must admit I got frightened but asked the person on the other side to identify themselves.

It's the police please can you open the door.
I opened the door and saw 2 young police officers.

My ex husband was found last evening passed away by ending his own life. In his letter he explained how sorry he was but if he couldn't have me back he would "check out". He'd given my poor parents address so the police could contact me.

I have called in sick this morning and booked a GP appointment. I feel utterly heart broken. How could he. Was I the trigger. Why!!! I never saw this coming to such a tragic end.

I love and loved this man. But the pain caused by him would not allow me to start again.

How could he. I don't know what to say. Just had to get it down on paper. So many questions.

What a terrible shock for you OP.

First and foremost, a person ending their life is their decision and theirs alone, so do not believe anything else.

Take some time to deal with the raw emotions you're going to have and be kind to yourself.

I wish I had something else to say that would help you, but you just need to understand that this event really had nothing to do with you, he made the choice for himself.

Sweetie, you aren't the cause of this. He obviously had some mental health issues which had their roots in a time before you got together. He obviously couldn't handle real life, a life in which he had to be an adult and keep his promises. He preferred to live in his fantasies. That was his choice and nothing to do with you.
I am so sorry he has done this and left you with all this pain. That is heartbreaking. 🩷

I am numb and feel lost.

He was my big love despite of flaws.

He had so much remorse yet his signals were so confusing.

I couldn't come back. He had caused so much pain back then. Coming back into my life I felt the rawness and fear of our past. A future together would not have been fair on him or me.

I will not live in fear not disregard my gut instinct.

I am so sorry that he chose to pay the ultimate price. Nothing is worth that.

Thank you. Divorced the man a few years ago. But I still cared despite the pain he caused me.

I fell in love with him again when he reached out.

But I had to end it again. For good.

I feel I lost someone very special to me.

I'm so sorry to read the update.
Please don't be hard on yourself you are not to blame for his decision.

Sending you a virtual hug.

I'm so sorry. This was his choice, no one else's. There would have been more issues behind this, and please don't carry any guilt from this. The man cheated on you with your best friend. He wrote his own story.

I am sorry for your loss OP 💐
You were NOT to blame. Do not go down that path.

Hi OP,

We wanted to say how very sorry we are and we really do hope you're doing ok during this very difficult time.

We can see that mumsnetters have offered you support on the forums, but we also just wanted to let you know about some organisations just in case they may be of use to you:

1. Cruse Bereavement Care offer support with grief, including an online chat service _https://www.cruse.org.uk/_
2. The Good Grief Trust also offer support and advice - _https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/_

Again, we are very sorry about your loss

With very best wishes,
MNHQ

Thank you. It's a very difficult time for me and the extended family.

Thank you. It is very hard at the moment. Keep relieving our past and last few months. Despite him being an ass I just want to hug and hold him to say I love him even though we can't have a future.

Thank you. Yes he did it on his own merit but I wish he had been more loving towards life and his future. The damage caused

Thank you. It has certainly turned everyone's life upside down. Despite of our past and present even though I ended it it's still so raw. Still loved the man.

He clearly had big MH problems. Your ex friend perhaps sussed that so ended it. You are not responsible for his MH though. That he didn't have the tools to cope with the ups and downs of life, will be rooted in his childhood, long before you came along.
Be kind to yourself, you did your best from your end under the circumstances, nothing more you could of done. You informed the police of his suicide threat to your son. That they did nothing about it, is on them.

You are right. I just wish he would have reached out for help.

I would have gone back to him had he not triggered certain statements and we could have worked on things and rebuilding the trust but again he broke it and minimised the whole affair.

I was, and am done. But I still loved him even with no future for us.

I'll be fine. Just keep reliving our good times from the past and what we had together the last few months.

I'll say my final goodbye to him soon.

Educate yourself on narcissism please.

You did the right thing.