Not that girl

[Time2TalkHonest]

Hi all,

Hope you are all well.

This is new to me but my head is spinning.

6 Years ago I married the biggest love of my life.
Handsome. Kind. Loving. Supportive. Best Friends and not to mention our sex life was lush.

We ticked every box for a fantastic marriage.

Bought a house, new car, all was going amazingly well.

I was so happy, but now and again my trauma as a child would peak its ugly face at me but with a fantastic husband someone I could trust I would paddle through it all and it was all good.

Fast forwards four year into our marriage I found out my husband faced some small issues, but not big enough to address them with me.

I confided in my best friend. She was amazing.
Out of the blue one day I was looking after her son I found a very detailed love letter to her from my husband. They've had an affair. I confronted my husband and he confessed. I immediately kicked him out and filed for divorce. I was heart broken. I lost my husband and best friend.

2 years after it all went down I saw me ex husband and we started talking again and of course it went from there. We are both single and fallen in love.

I own my own house and car, good job in finance, overall happy out.

I've explained how badly he hurt me and starting again would carry baggage in terms of trust and I was scared.

Until last night all was going okay until he said.
"If you had done xyz back then I don't think I would have cheated".

I was like a slap, so I said. I'm sorry. That is lame or inconsiderate. I can't nor will I come back in after you had your fun. We're done. Really done.
I've now blocked him on my phone.

Just need a reality check from the outside world.

Am I Right or Wrong ?

Thank you all and have a wonderful weekend.

Thank you. Really appreciate it

Thank you. Yes I am so done

100% I am done. You are so right. I know that decision is the right one. But did sting a bit. But absolutely not going back. Thank you again

I do think it depends on how it was said and the reason given.

i have forgiven an affair on me once as she said the reason she did it was because she felt unloved and like I wasn’t bothered (it was more of an emotional affair, with just kissing). I did have a part to play in her being unhappy even though she was wrong to do that. It was nothing awful, just taking each other for granted as life got in the way.

even then, a line had been crossed and its down to individuals to decide if there is a way back from that. If that happened to me now I don’t think I could forgive.

but if it was more crude, like your BJ is rubbish, that is 100% easy bin.

This. Well done for not taking his shit.

You are correct it's down to the individual.

In my case he did the ultimate betrayal. My best friend and just tossed me aside like trash and now trying to say if I had done xyz. Nah he should have sat down with me and talked or at least ended it before.

Nah I am done. I got hurt big time and I can't. I tried but the comment the other day was like. You for real.

Well done OP and at least by giving him another chance he showed you his true colours yet again, early on too. Echoing a pp, you seem to have done well for yourself. You sound amazing!

Yeps agree with you

100% right you are. Nah he's blocked.

You were right to end the things in the past and you are right to end the things now.
I don't think you have to be blamed to give the relationship a second chance, but you will be very silly and naive if you are thinking in giving it a third go. He was trying to blame you for his betrayal and that is a big No.
You deserve better.

Awww thank you. I'm not less or more but definitely deserve the respect and care, something he can't give me.

Agree. No I am done. He can go and do one.

Wishing him all the best but just not with me.

You also know by blame shifting he was setting himself up for future excuses.

What a disgraceful man.

So glad your boundaries are strong OP, you sound gloriously defiant.

Thank you. Yes it's the right thing to stop now. I am done

You have very good boundaries, is all I can say. Good to see.

Thank you. Very kind of you to say. I have healthy boundaries I cannot compromise on.

What a gaslighting piece of crap! And as for you... you're a massive hero in your own life!
I admire you.
May all good things come flooding your way

Awww thank you. You made my day. I am very confident in not being a doormat again x

UPDATE:

My son from previous relationship prior to marrying this man and divorcing has contacted my son to say:

If I loose your mom I would rather buy a rope and exit this world.

I have already blocked him and asked my son to do the same.

I just don't need his crap !!!

What a POS.

I presume no letter has arrived at your house apologising profusely and detailing why he was so wrong to say what he said now and do what he did back then? Offering to get counselling for himself to find out why he gaslights and cheats?

Just minimal effort suicide threat on his phone to your son via social messenger?

You could tell the police he’s threatened suicide and maybe they will go and check on him?

Well done on the continued block. You saved yourself a world of problems when you binned him off the first time round.

I would ensure no further contact by calling the police, letting them know the contacts of this message and asking for a welfare check. That would let them know that you are no longer going to be manipulated by his shit and you are seriously and completely over.

Thank you for your reply.

The man I once loved has shown his true face.
Yes he expressed his sorrow and how bad he hurt me back then, but something just went wrong the last few weeks we spoke. Ie. If I'd done xyz he wouldn't have cheated. Idiot.

For some reason he triggered a fear in me. He said in passing if someone pissed him off he would take them through hell and back again.
He's never been violent to me, but I felt there was a very fine line between his love and destruction.

I have called the police who said they can't assist.

Either way he is blocked and I'm glad I stopped before he ruined my life once again.

Thank you again.

I did call the police. They can't assist me.

I have blocked him and want nothing to do with it all.

My naivety in hoping he had changed is on me.
The first few weeks all was good and was mostly good but what set me off was the comment with had I done xyz he wouldn't have cheated.
Amongst other comments.

I work. I bought my house and car. Doing well so don't need this crap.

Thank you again for your post.

I don't understand!!! Above is my post and I fully grasp I had a lucky escape. I stand by blocking him but here is the but.

While we talked we had some amazing time together and I felt like a million. Fabulous conversations and compliments. Only comment was if I had done xyz he may not have cheated on me.

That was a deal breaker.

However why do I feel sad. Almost like reliving it all again from the past. 😢

Feel so broken after I broke it all off again.