Keeps threatening to unalive himself if I leave

[Beanie342]

Every time I try to leave DP has a breakdown, he’ll hurt himself by cutting himself and hitting himself, telling me if I end it he will kill himself. He is the type of person that I don’t not believe that he wouldn’t do something reckless in the heat of a moment. I literally don’t know what to do anymore, his mum is crap and would just add to the stress if I went to her about it, and he isn’t very close with anyone else through his own choices. I know he is a grown man and not my responsibility but he is also the father to my two children (DD 6 and DS 2), my daughter especially would hugely struggle with us separating, let alone if he was no longer around at all. Nor would I ever forgive myself as I know I would feel responsible.
I just can’t go on feeling like this however, I’m normally a relatively chilled out bubbly person but I’m left feeling withdrawn and numb, honestly feel fucking empty at the moment and any spare moment I get alone I find myself crying. He isn’t physically abusive and I know soooo many woman are going/have been through worse but it’s just the consistency of the shitness and sulking which is purely draining. Just an example what an average day is like, here is what happened today -

Last night DS had a windy tummy and was crying in his sleep from around 11:30pm, I spent the night comforting him and trying to help him until it got to 4am and I felt so sleep deprived that I desperately needed help. DP normally wakes up to go gym at 4:30am so I just asked him if he could please skip gym this one morning to take over looking after DS so I could just try and get 2 hours sleep before having to wake up for the day, the first time I have ever asked him to help with DS in the night. He came and took over and I didn’t think it was an issue until I woke up from that bit of sleep I did have, he was sulking round the house huffing and puffing giving me the cold shoulder, I asked him what the matter was and he said that it was my fault that he couldn’t go to the gym this morning and that he has to go tonight instead now which he really didn’t want to do. I just left him to it, he left the house for work and text me to apologise for being grumpy which was fine. He had a half day at work today as was DD sports day and she really wanted him there, when he came in at lunch time he seemed ok but I asked him if it was ok if I met my friend tomorrow evening for a drink or two as it was her birthday and as a family we had no plans, I tried to word this as carefully as I could letting him know I’d only be about 2 hours and wouldn’t be late at all. Immediately he goes off on one telling me that we’ve spent no time together lately and that why do my friends get my energy etc fully letting me know he wasn’t happy about it and I ended up cancelling because I just knew it wasn’t worth the argument it would cause and also the agg I would get from him whilst I was actually out/when I got home. We got out the house to head down to DD school and I just held my hand out to him and said come on let’s forget about it and start fresh, he held my hand back but I could tell he still was off with me. All round sports day I was trying to chat to him all fine and happy and again, just kept being off with me no matter what I did. On the way home I offered to go buy both children an ice cream to say well done to DD, when we got there I asked DP if he wanted one to which he responded with a no still being sulky, I just got him one anyway as was still just trying to get along. Anyways we had to walk up to the shop to get some bits for tea and he is ALWAYS in such a rush and stressed out, when we were in the shop he just rushes me around and so I quickly grab what we need but on the way out I spotted the ice cream freezer chest thing by the door and I just wanted to check if they had my favourite ice cream for future preference and he just bites my head off ‘will you just hurry up I’m done waiting around for you’ to which I replied with ‘can you stop being so stressy!’, that was it then, walked off ahead all the way home without looking back. We’ve got home after him and he can tell I’ve been crying under my sunglasses when I take them off and he then apologises again and says he doesn’t know why he is the way he is. He’s said his mental health is really bad at the moment so I need to be understanding of him basically, I do get mental health can be a huge struggle - but what about when it starts affecting the mental health of the people around them? I don’t know

lol even now as I’m typing this I’m sat getting DS down again and he's text me saying ‘coming down?’ Couple minutes later ‘ignore me then’

Just hearing about him gives me mental health problems.
Think about your children, being with that.

He’s an emotionally abusive twat. Leave him. He won’t kill himself, he’s an attention seeker and you are NOT responsible for his actions

You can't control his actions.

Don't let him control yours.

He's a manipulative abusive creep who knows exactly what he needs to do to yank your chain. You need to get your children out of there before he starts on them too.

If you can't do it for yourself, find the strength to do it for your dcs. They can't grow up in an atmosphere based on emotional blackmail without being damaged. Do you want them to learn that relationships should work that way?

But please take care. When he realises his usual tactics aren't working, he may try something else.

Do you have somewhere safe to stay? Parents? A sibling?

I’m exhausted just reading what you have to deal with. It’s no way to live. It won’t be long before he starts emotionally blackmailing your kids too. In my experience people who want to unalive themselves don’t warn anyone beforehand so I call manipulation rather than mental health crisis. If he wants to continue threatening to do so then have him committed. You deserve a better life than this.

Love, you can't live like this. It's wrecking your own wellbeing, and think how it's going to be for the kids always worrying about Dad and his moods 😭

This is emotional abuse. Even if he can't help it, he's abusing you and the children. Is he taking any medication for his mood disorder? Is he in therapy?

If he's like this at work, it's amazing he manages to stay employed. What about friends, does he stress and rage around them all the time?

If he threatens to harm himself, call 999 straight away.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice and support.

Oh my god I felt like crying myself reading all that. He is a shitty himan being. You and your children will be better off without him. Seriously: dd will be sad if he leaves or offs himself but, oddly, not as sad as she is going to be growing up with this hulking fool as her model of what daddies and husbands should be like.

Have some standards for yourself! You should not gave to beg your dh for minor consideration. You should not have to walk on eggshells.

This is just who he is. He won’t change. He likes it like this. You don’t so you should leave.

God just leave him. What's the alternative? Pandering to his threats and you all living a miserable life. Get rid of him. You are not responsible for him. You are entitled to be happy and not be held hostage.

You're trying to appease him so he'll cheer up and not make your life miserable. This isn't going to happen, he will never cheer up as he's using his 'mental health' to control you.
I live with someone who genuinely has mental health issues and this is not what it looks like. Your DP is choosing his behaviour.
This is abuse.

You leave = your children are sad

Stay with things as they are = your children learn unhealthy relationship patterns which will most likely follow them into their adult lives

Best scenario would be that he embraces therapy and changes, but this seems very unlikely given what you've said - plus he's unlikely to embrace therapy until he's hit emotional rock bottom and that won't happen whilst you're propping everything up.

Sorry, no easy paths from here but you sound strong and resilient.

Emotionally abusive attention seeker.
Very bad for you and your children.
If you can't leave then send him back to his mother and let them get on with it. She is probably part of the reason he is this kind of character.

he absolutely has no intention of killing himself! this is emotional blackmail, he might cut himself, but lots of people self harm and cut themselves.. its their way of coping.

Leave him to get on with it. He sounds like a monster.

Every time I try to leave DP has a breakdown, he’ll hurt himself by cutting himself and hitting himself, telling me if I end it he will kill himself.

Call the police and tell them he is suicidal. Let the professionals handle him so you can leave safely. Call them every single time he threatens to do it, not just when he actually does it.

Call. The. Police.

Leave him, he will ruin all your lives and your children's future relationships, prospects amd happiness. He is manipulating you, but you can prevent damage to them. They can't choose, look after them so they are able to have a better life.

This.

He sounds exhausting to be with.

He is emotionally abusive.

You deserve much better.

You know he’ll make a fuss if you want to go out with your friends, so you don’t go to appease him. This is coercive control. I was married to someone like this. You walk on eggshells and your world will become smaller and smaller and you’ll become cut off from your family and friends. You need to get yourself and your children away from him x

If he does follow through with his threats then it's not because if anything you've done.

He is controlling you through emotional blackmail, if he's ill then he needs to seek and accept support to get better, you can choose to support him in that from a distance if you wish to or you can choose not to, but don't allow him to imprison you in this relationship with his threats.

Having mental health problems is not an excuse for abuse. He is manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you, and he is making you feel responsible for his behaviour.

It is not your job to fix him, and nothing he does is your fault.

You need to take your children and leave this monster.

He may not be physically abusing you but he 100% is emotionally abusing you. You need to leave for the sake of your kids what a toxic environment for them to be around. My ex using to threaten it all the time and I went back countless times. I managed to leave him and I got all the same shit said to be again and again for months. 10 years on he’s still alive and they just use it to control you and for attention.

Thank you so much for your support everyone, I really appreciate it.
I suppose all this time I’ve been worrying about how it will affect my children if we were to separate, when really the way this relationship is, will also affect them. I would never ever want my daughter in a relationship like this, so it makes full sense to set the standard.
I am fortunate in the way that it is my house so I would not have to leave with the children but then that puts me in another position of feeling bad as he has no where to go, he isn’t close enough with anyone to stay with them and his mum wouldn’t have him. He doesn’t have enough money for private renting either, so he has made it clear that he would have to live in his car and as I do still care about him, I wouldn’t want this.

as much as i partly agree with this advice... the OP needs to speak to the police about a coercive and controlling relationship.

but as far as him harming himself, if he is in the confines of his own home, then the OP needs to ring an ambulance or crisis team, NOT the police.

the only time you really need to call the police is if he leaves the house making threats to harm himself.

Love, your children will grow up with their mental health obliterated if they live in a house with a man like this. They will have next to no chance of happy and fulfilling relationships themselves, even friendships. They will learn to control, manipulate and threaten to harm themselves if life isn't going their way. Or they will go the other way and seek out people just like their father. The cycle will continue with each generation.
Do not sacrifice them for him.

Contact Womens Aid. Gather information and find your strength. Make a plan. You can do this.
You cannot raise your children in this dysfunction because he doesn't have anywhere to go. He will have to present himself as homeless to the council like many, many others do.

This

Breakdown yet goes to the gym at 4.30 depressed my arse he’s a control freak he will no more kill himself than it will snow tomorrow