Every time I try to leave DP has a breakdown, he’ll hurt himself by cutting himself and hitting himself, telling me if I end it he will kill himself. He is the type of person that I don’t not believe that he wouldn’t do something reckless in the heat of a moment. I literally don’t know what to do anymore, his mum is crap and would just add to the stress if I went to her about it, and he isn’t very close with anyone else through his own choices. I know he is a grown man and not my responsibility but he is also the father to my two children (DD 6 and DS 2), my daughter especially would hugely struggle with us separating, let alone if he was no longer around at all. Nor would I ever forgive myself as I know I would feel responsible.
I just can’t go on feeling like this however, I’m normally a relatively chilled out bubbly person but I’m left feeling withdrawn and numb, honestly feel fucking empty at the moment and any spare moment I get alone I find myself crying. He isn’t physically abusive and I know soooo many woman are going/have been through worse but it’s just the consistency of the shitness and sulking which is purely draining. Just an example what an average day is like, here is what happened today -
Last night DS had a windy tummy and was crying in his sleep from around 11:30pm, I spent the night comforting him and trying to help him until it got to 4am and I felt so sleep deprived that I desperately needed help. DP normally wakes up to go gym at 4:30am so I just asked him if he could please skip gym this one morning to take over looking after DS so I could just try and get 2 hours sleep before having to wake up for the day, the first time I have ever asked him to help with DS in the night. He came and took over and I didn’t think it was an issue until I woke up from that bit of sleep I did have, he was sulking round the house huffing and puffing giving me the cold shoulder, I asked him what the matter was and he said that it was my fault that he couldn’t go to the gym this morning and that he has to go tonight instead now which he really didn’t want to do. I just left him to it, he left the house for work and text me to apologise for being grumpy which was fine. He had a half day at work today as was DD sports day and she really wanted him there, when he came in at lunch time he seemed ok but I asked him if it was ok if I met my friend tomorrow evening for a drink or two as it was her birthday and as a family we had no plans, I tried to word this as carefully as I could letting him know I’d only be about 2 hours and wouldn’t be late at all. Immediately he goes off on one telling me that we’ve spent no time together lately and that why do my friends get my energy etc fully letting me know he wasn’t happy about it and I ended up cancelling because I just knew it wasn’t worth the argument it would cause and also the agg I would get from him whilst I was actually out/when I got home. We got out the house to head down to DD school and I just held my hand out to him and said come on let’s forget about it and start fresh, he held my hand back but I could tell he still was off with me. All round sports day I was trying to chat to him all fine and happy and again, just kept being off with me no matter what I did. On the way home I offered to go buy both children an ice cream to say well done to DD, when we got there I asked DP if he wanted one to which he responded with a no still being sulky, I just got him one anyway as was still just trying to get along. Anyways we had to walk up to the shop to get some bits for tea and he is ALWAYS in such a rush and stressed out, when we were in the shop he just rushes me around and so I quickly grab what we need but on the way out I spotted the ice cream freezer chest thing by the door and I just wanted to check if they had my favourite ice cream for future preference and he just bites my head off ‘will you just hurry up I’m done waiting around for you’ to which I replied with ‘can you stop being so stressy!’, that was it then, walked off ahead all the way home without looking back. We’ve got home after him and he can tell I’ve been crying under my sunglasses when I take them off and he then apologises again and says he doesn’t know why he is the way he is. He’s said his mental health is really bad at the moment so I need to be understanding of him basically, I do get mental health can be a huge struggle - but what about when it starts affecting the mental health of the people around them? I don’t know
lol even now as I’m typing this I’m sat getting DS down again and he's text me saying ‘coming down?’ Couple minutes later ‘ignore me then’