Keeps threatening to unalive himself if I leave

[Beanie342]

Every time I try to leave DP has a breakdown, he’ll hurt himself by cutting himself and hitting himself, telling me if I end it he will kill himself. He is the type of person that I don’t not believe that he wouldn’t do something reckless in the heat of a moment. I literally don’t know what to do anymore, his mum is crap and would just add to the stress if I went to her about it, and he isn’t very close with anyone else through his own choices. I know he is a grown man and not my responsibility but he is also the father to my two children (DD 6 and DS 2), my daughter especially would hugely struggle with us separating, let alone if he was no longer around at all. Nor would I ever forgive myself as I know I would feel responsible.
I just can’t go on feeling like this however, I’m normally a relatively chilled out bubbly person but I’m left feeling withdrawn and numb, honestly feel fucking empty at the moment and any spare moment I get alone I find myself crying. He isn’t physically abusive and I know soooo many woman are going/have been through worse but it’s just the consistency of the shitness and sulking which is purely draining. Just an example what an average day is like, here is what happened today -

Last night DS had a windy tummy and was crying in his sleep from around 11:30pm, I spent the night comforting him and trying to help him until it got to 4am and I felt so sleep deprived that I desperately needed help. DP normally wakes up to go gym at 4:30am so I just asked him if he could please skip gym this one morning to take over looking after DS so I could just try and get 2 hours sleep before having to wake up for the day, the first time I have ever asked him to help with DS in the night. He came and took over and I didn’t think it was an issue until I woke up from that bit of sleep I did have, he was sulking round the house huffing and puffing giving me the cold shoulder, I asked him what the matter was and he said that it was my fault that he couldn’t go to the gym this morning and that he has to go tonight instead now which he really didn’t want to do. I just left him to it, he left the house for work and text me to apologise for being grumpy which was fine. He had a half day at work today as was DD sports day and she really wanted him there, when he came in at lunch time he seemed ok but I asked him if it was ok if I met my friend tomorrow evening for a drink or two as it was her birthday and as a family we had no plans, I tried to word this as carefully as I could letting him know I’d only be about 2 hours and wouldn’t be late at all. Immediately he goes off on one telling me that we’ve spent no time together lately and that why do my friends get my energy etc fully letting me know he wasn’t happy about it and I ended up cancelling because I just knew it wasn’t worth the argument it would cause and also the agg I would get from him whilst I was actually out/when I got home. We got out the house to head down to DD school and I just held my hand out to him and said come on let’s forget about it and start fresh, he held my hand back but I could tell he still was off with me. All round sports day I was trying to chat to him all fine and happy and again, just kept being off with me no matter what I did. On the way home I offered to go buy both children an ice cream to say well done to DD, when we got there I asked DP if he wanted one to which he responded with a no still being sulky, I just got him one anyway as was still just trying to get along. Anyways we had to walk up to the shop to get some bits for tea and he is ALWAYS in such a rush and stressed out, when we were in the shop he just rushes me around and so I quickly grab what we need but on the way out I spotted the ice cream freezer chest thing by the door and I just wanted to check if they had my favourite ice cream for future preference and he just bites my head off ‘will you just hurry up I’m done waiting around for you’ to which I replied with ‘can you stop being so stressy!’, that was it then, walked off ahead all the way home without looking back. We’ve got home after him and he can tell I’ve been crying under my sunglasses when I take them off and he then apologises again and says he doesn’t know why he is the way he is. He’s said his mental health is really bad at the moment so I need to be understanding of him basically, I do get mental health can be a huge struggle - but what about when it starts affecting the mental health of the people around them? I don’t know

lol even now as I’m typing this I’m sat getting DS down again and he's text me saying ‘coming down?’ Couple minutes later ‘ignore me then’

Please do this. Get you and your children away from this terrible man. If he’s really going to kill himself he will anyway whether you’re there or not, will you really let him keep you in misery forever ?

Threatening to kill himself is a manipulation tactic. You can phone the police if he tells you he’s going to do it.

You have to get your children away from this relationship. You absolutely have to. Staying is absolutely worse for them.

Phone women’s aid, or look up your local domestic abuse charity. Talking to someone in real life will help you to get things straight in your head, and help you to make a plan.

What happens to him is not your responsibility. His responsibility was to be a loving and supportive partner and father, he has failed at that. Whatever happens to him now is his fault.

Reported, @BeNeedySquid 😡

It seems you haven’t fully processed that he is an adult who is responsible for himself and his own choices, because you’re still doing an enormous amount of accommodating and - sorry to have to say this - enabling his manipulative and abusive behaviour.

Your children are already being affected negatively. As much as it would be very sad for them to have to go through losing their father, he is the only person who would be responsible for that pain. His attempts to make you feel responsible for his possible choices are just one more form of abuse.

You and your children deserve a lot better than this. It’s time to make a plan to enable yourself to end this toxic relationship while maintaining your own peace of mind.

1. Make a list of places where he could go when he leaves. If he has alienated everyone around him to the degree that nobody will take him in and he has neglected his own financial capacity to the degree that he can’t afford housing on his own, this will likely include share houses or a shelter
2. Make a plan for what you will do if he threatens suicide or self-harm. This should include a clear statement that if he chooses to self-harm then that is entirely his own choice and not on you in any way. As you don’t want him to harm himself, if you feel any concern that he is going to do so, you will call the police with welfare concerns
3. Make a list to give to him of actions he can take to help himself, including getting a job (or where to get help as a job-seeker or for benefits), contact details for his GP or mental health services and the list of places he can seek shelter. This fully discharges any further responsibility you have to him
4. Seek support of your own from the people who love you including help with the children if you are struggling, referrals from your GP or health nurse, Women’s Aid and signing up for the Freedom Programme to help you understand clearly the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and how to set boundaries that protect you and your children

'There's a two for one offer on ropes at bnq asshole, have at it'.

Leave him, if he hurts himself that's not your problem it's his.
He's a manipulative prick.

Your responsibility is to your children.

It's understandable that you still gave feelings for your abuser. But he will be absolutely fine living in his car. And even if he wasn't it's not your problem anymore. Make that your mantra.

Love yourself. Love your kids.

Get rid of the bully of a partner.
Sometimes we have to say no to ourselves. 'No I'm not going to do this ridiclious thing and stay around an abusive man out if sympathy. I choose myself and my kids instead'.

At the moment 4 people are living miserable lives. You owe it to yourself and your children to improve this situation. You are not responsible for this man or what he does.

Honestly I cannot thank you all enough, you have all been beyond lovely - I feel so supported reading all your comments.
The fact that I haven’t even mentioned worse things he has done previously and the response has still been the way it has just makes it clear that I am not being over sensitive, which I am always being told by him that I am! I’ve helped him through so so much in life, including alcoholism which turned him into a right nasty so and so. He is over that now but will occasionally relapse, for example he relapsed last weekend which resulted in him telling me I should be more appreciative because not many dads help out around the house and do things like the dishes or getting kids ready for bed etc, I then go to bed early to go out his way which results in him slamming doors, banging stuff on purpose, walking in our room when I’m asleep and turning the light on to get something, then walk out leaving the light on and door open. I just don’t say a word as I’m scared of his reaction, especially when he’s had a drink. He also blames a lot on the fact that I don’t have sex with him enough, apparently because it doesn’t happen more then once a week then it’s what causes him to act how he acts at times. Who knows eh?

Honestly writing stuff down I can just hear how not normal this stuff is, how toxic it all is. I’m quite good at hiding stuff from the kids but obviously they do hear the occasional tail winds of some incidents and it’s not on at all, you’re all right. Thank you so much everyone, I’ve so so needed this from you all.

Thank you so so much

In the unlikely event that he were to go through with suicide, he'd be doing it to "punish" you. Eff him.

It's his responsibility.

He’s a manipulative, emotionally immature twat. Glad you can see through it

I guess its a bit like cutting away an infected limb. It hurts like a bitch to even think of doing that. But if you don't then the infection will spread until there's nothing of you left. Then it'll take your children too.

Cut out the rot. Be rid of him.
You can do it. And when you are free and headed, you'll just wish you'd done it sooner.

You are worth fighting for. Your happiness, saftey, self love, peace and children are worth fighting for. He...is not. He's a total scumball. And if you keep him around, your whole life will be a fight that you never win.

you don't want to have sex with him more

...can't think why?! I don't know how you manage now. Don't do it again, you don't need to bring a third child into this!!

Exactly. My abusive ex was also massively resentful that I stopped wanting to have sex with him, and couldn't seem to grasp that it was to do with the fact that he was emotionally abusing me, while financially abusing me to keep me stuck in the relationship.

He also pulled out the suicide threats when it became clear that I was ready to leave. He's still alive and kicking to this day, of course.

Exactly this, the once a week is never ever ever because I actually want to. Would happily never do it again.
Contraception is fully tight don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of another with him!

You are all so lovely ♥️

Having mental health problems is not an excuse to be a twat, he is controlling you and your falling for it hook line and sinker! You need to get rid it won't get any better! Oh and the suicide threats are used to control you!

What’s your housing situation? If you throw him out and you are both on a tenancy/mortgage, it isn’t possible for him to be kicked out. I’ve had this issue with my alcoholic aggressive tenant recently. His gf wanted to make him leave but the police said they couldn’t make him go when he’s on the tenancy. I ended the tenancy. If I didn’t know social services were already involved, I’d for sure push for their involvement.

Please get yourself out of this situation. It sounds torturous for you.

If he really had had a breakdown he’d not be able to do anything. So he would not even be going to the gym. Five years after mine I’m still recovering daily.

You live with an emotionally abusive partner. You need to put your own mental health and your children first.

If you are worried about where he will go initially rent a house for yourself and the children for six months and leave him in your house. That can all be sorted out later on after the separation.

I'm reading what you have written OP and I'm much more concerned he will harm you and the children if you try to end the relationship. His threats of self harm have effectively controlled you until now but when that fails he sounds like the type who could decide if he can't have you no one else can. I don't say this to be alarmist but I think it's important you understand just how abusive and potentially dangerous this man is.

Please make a careful plan to remove this man from your home safely. Once he has gone change the locks and make sure your household security is as good as it can be. Do not let him back in for any reason unless you have someone with you.

I don't agree about making lists to help him find his feet after he leaves. Your sense of obligation and guilt is something he has relied on to get away with his abusive behaviour, break the pattern and keep telling yourself he is an adult who is responsible for taking care of himself.

You and your children will be much happier without his toxicity in your home.

Oh dear god your poor children. What toxicity they are soaking up, observing his behaviour - and you tolerating it.

Suicide threats are a well known sign of domestic abuse.

Sulking, threatening self harm, disrespecting you - please read this article. Don't you recognise this?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

A few months ago one of my back teeth broke in half leaving a jagged edge that was cutting the inside of my mouth.

My dentist warned that the break was vulnerable to rotting and would become painful. It needed to come out.

I left it and left it until I had steeled myself to go for the extraction.

I was petrified, it was a bit 🥺- but it was over.

It took its time to heal and I was worried I might have an infection, but gradually it improved and now though there's a gap and a dip it's all healed over, clean and no pain.

I'm glad I did it.

Deep breaths, OP.

CALL. THE. POLICE.

This is classic manipulation and/or abuse.

It's your house so kick him out. Tell the domestic abuse unit everything and request help with kicking him out. He won't do much with a hairy great copper watching, or even a dainty one.

When you do this have a fresh set of locks for all external doors and use your window locks as it's easier climbing in through an open window than broken glass. And put a camera up.

If you have a landline use it for 999 when he cries outside. The police will appear like magic for abandoned calls and record everything on your mobile. Keep a diary and consider a non molestation order. (The court won't charge but the solicitor will.)

Don't let sentiment blind you to the fact he's a dick. It's what he's feeding off.

Another one here very concerned for when you end it. This is the point when you could be in physical danger.

Please seek advice from Women's Aid and your local Domestic Abuse agency ASAP on how to go about getting him out of your home safely.

DO NOT break up with him alone in the house would be my advice. Do you have a family member, preferably a strong male, who can be there with you? You'll need to immediately get all of the locks changed too. Get some CCTV up as well, you can get a cheap camera to sit on a windowsill at the front and back of your house.

I personally would not mention leaving him/breaking up with him again until you have everything in place as advised by the support I've mentioned above. You can also contact your police, to have an alert put on your home address, in case they receive a call from you. Please explain the situation to them.

You will need someone there, when you break up in order to get him out of the house without causing you or your children harm. As for his threats, next time, call an ambulance or police immediately to tell them he is threatening suicide. They've seen this a lot, they know it's a tactic, they'll know he's actually a controlling, manipulative, abuse bastard.

Good luck, and please keep posting for support and so that we know you're safe x