Regret helping my elderly mum.

[blackandwhitestripes]

I feel bloody awful and would like some thoughts or advice on how to move past this.

My dad died 3 years ago and my mum (82) was alone in the house approx 2+ hours drive away, she was coping but lonely. Just for context I have no siblings but have teenagers and a DH.

So we decided to see if she would like to move closer which we have spend the last 2 years planning and finally she is here, less than 20 minutes away and settling into a home, all great I thought.

I was looking forward to getting to know my adult mum, as it's always been mum & dad and dad was a dominant person, so I never felt like I knew my mum as her own person. Well here is the issue over the last 6 months what I'm getting to see isn't very nice at all.

Shes so judgy when we are out, rude about others, snide comments about my lifestyle almost like jealously. Shes standoffish and generally pretty unpleasant to spend time with, she talks and gossips with comments I don't really always agree with.

I did call her out on snearing at a guys tattoos.

I have to be fair I'm surprised as she was always lovely, friendly and this is an entirely different side to her I have never ever seen, maybe as we are out more?

I'm currently think she's just unsettled and needs time, but there is a big chuck of me now thinking bugger I have to visit and I have created myself a whole new load of issues.

Ultimately my care for her will remain but how do I ignore or manage that this isn't the person I thought she was?

Or does anyone this is normal when you get to know your parents on a deeper level?

Shes so judgy when we are out, rude about others, snide comments about my lifestyle almost like jealously. Shes standoffish and generally pretty unpleasant to spend time with, she talks and gossips with comments I don't really always agree with.

she had managed to disguise this your entire life?

I suspect she feels insecure with the move and her sniping and being rude is an attempt to make herself feel 'better' than other people and therefore more secure. I think you'll find she will become a bit more the person you remember as she settles in.
OTOH new rudeness can be a symptom of dementia, which can also become more noticeable when a person is in a new environment, so do keep an eye on her, OP.

This happened with my partners dad. His world shrunk down and he could be negative. I think he was depressed after his wife died so the reverse of yours. How is her health? Does she have friends?

Yes, I spend my childhood with her working full time standard 70-80s kid, I'd have tea and zoom out, my teen years with a boyfriend and then left home at 18 and lived overseas for many years.

So my adult life has been just of visits, catch ups, holidays and then with my own family there was a geographic distance, so it was a weekend here and there.

So I've never really got to know her as her own person.

World not works

You’ve never got to know your own mother?

Her health is really good, I did wonder if it's maybe depression? And maybe unsettled.

Also did ponder the dementia route as well.

I'm just reflecting and trying to see if I've also made her something she isn't in my own eyes.

Not really no.

I would restrict going out and about with her if she's embarrassingly judgey. When visiting her in her home make it clear what you won't put up with, you always have the choice to cut the visit short, and l would do that if she's making personal digs.
If her personality has changed a lot then as a pp mentioned, inappropriate comments can be one of the early symptoms of dementia so be aware of that.

Sorry didn't mean to sound sharp, shouldn’t post in bed with Covid.

@blackandwhitestripes maybe she’s bored. My elderly family have been like this when their world is too small. Could she go to any community groups or something social maybe (if she doesn’t already).

Oh you poor thing covid is the worse - no I didn't take it badly it's true.

I don't feel I've ever known her as her own person, as mum, as wife yes.

But not as a friend or someone I could be close to or share thoughts with.

Hope you feel better soon.

The personality change/filter coming off is a sign of dementia, I agree.

What kind of home is she in? Care home, or nursing?

Start pulling her up when she says things. I honestly couldn’t leave it if she was being nasty. You will visit yes, but how often and how long depends on her behaviour. I would be telling her that.

I don't know mine much either.

Grief can absolutely do this - stress and emotion can make people act in all manner of unfortunate ways, particularly if they have been living in the shadow of another person. She's also been alone for two years with no one to balance her behaviour, almost in her own echo chamber. And, as you say, change is difficult and different for everyone, and definitely destabilising and she's had nothing but change in the past few years.

I think gently correcting the unacceptable stuff is the right way forward and, if you have only ever seen a lovely and friendly side to her, it doesn't mean that side no longer exists, it could just be buried under loneliness, hurt and sadness. If things don't settle down you might consider the fact that she is getting older and there are issues such as dementia, as you mention, that can cause this type of behaviour too. Also we all have a big mental health hangover from COVID-19 which was arguably worse for the older and youngest in our society.

I would keep an eye on things - it's early days after all - and then maybe seek some support via Age UK if you see damaging behaviours/symptoms arising or increasing. She actually sounds like she hasn't had much social contact in a long time and has almost forgotten how to act in society if that makes sense?

@RantyMcRanterton she's in her own house, she's completely independent and mobile active and driving etc. so not in a care home etc.

Oh sorry, I misunderstood the 'a home part', what a donut!

My mum got a bit like this for a few years before she died. I now think she was feeling vulnerable, ill and insecure. She was nice enough to other people face to face but did say some very catty things about other people behind their backs. I used to get frustrated with her but now I wish I'd had a bit more patience tbh. Good luck. It's hard looking after elderly parents

Easy to do I said home not house etc..

Also the dementia side is interesting, I should read up more. I did wonder.

Thank you, that makes me feel better.

It's the cattiness that has come as a surprise, she will talk about old friends and their issues almost with delight. We will drive past people and she will say "good grief he's fat" and generally comment on food being expensive, people being rude.. and she just seems angry with life.

It is mixed with really lovely chats and nicer times with thank yours and that was lovely comments.

But I think it's the judging my lifestyle that cuts, I have made a great career and raised the DS with my fab DH, and she will ask why I have a cleaner, why can't I clean, why I spend money on XYZ, says I travel too much etc.

I’ve seen this in a couple of older women a little while before dementia set in, OP. My mum is now exhibiting it, too. 😟

But stress can also do it to anyone, and grief can be one of the stressors ever. Your mum is probably also disorientated by the move at her age, however happy she is to be near you. It is hard to say whether this is her real self or not

I did call her out on snearing at a guys tattoos.

Gosh what an unforgiveable thing she did to be called out on.

@blackandwhitestripes yes it's worth investigating a link with dementia. My own dear mum went through a personality change from a wonderful caring mum to a nasty paranoid person who directed her ire at me. It was most upsetting, lasted about 18months.
She was going through the diagnosis at the time( vascular dementia and Alzheimer's)
Luckily that nasty streak disappeared but sadly the dementia is progressing, albeit slowly.
Good luck 🍀

I'm not sure how to take that comment?

What I mean is she looked a guy up and down and said "why do they do that and cover their legs it looks ridiculous"

We were fairly close to him when she said it but I'm going to assume he didn't hear as he didn't respond.

So I said to her, it's really his choice we shouldn't really judge.

It was all said nicely.