Regret helping my elderly mum.

[blackandwhitestripes]

I feel bloody awful and would like some thoughts or advice on how to move past this.

My dad died 3 years ago and my mum (82) was alone in the house approx 2+ hours drive away, she was coping but lonely. Just for context I have no siblings but have teenagers and a DH.

So we decided to see if she would like to move closer which we have spend the last 2 years planning and finally she is here, less than 20 minutes away and settling into a home, all great I thought.

I was looking forward to getting to know my adult mum, as it's always been mum & dad and dad was a dominant person, so I never felt like I knew my mum as her own person. Well here is the issue over the last 6 months what I'm getting to see isn't very nice at all.

Shes so judgy when we are out, rude about others, snide comments about my lifestyle almost like jealously. Shes standoffish and generally pretty unpleasant to spend time with, she talks and gossips with comments I don't really always agree with.

I did call her out on snearing at a guys tattoos.

I have to be fair I'm surprised as she was always lovely, friendly and this is an entirely different side to her I have never ever seen, maybe as we are out more?

I'm currently think she's just unsettled and needs time, but there is a big chuck of me now thinking bugger I have to visit and I have created myself a whole new load of issues.

Ultimately my care for her will remain but how do I ignore or manage that this isn't the person I thought she was?

Or does anyone this is normal when you get to know your parents on a deeper level?

Sadly, you might like to read up on fronto-temporal dementia (behavioural variant) in particular. As it doesn't show up with memory issues early on, but with personality changes, it's very under-diagnosed (and, currently, difficult to diagnose until it progresses a long way). It might help you to think of it as her brain malfunctioning now, rather than as her having always been someone you dislike, anyway.

@coulditbeftd ok thanks I'll have a good read.

I'm here for her and have been the driving force behind having her closer, so I can spend time and make sure she's ok and safe and not lonely, so I think this is so helpful to understand why maybe there is this new side.

Sorry to say that this sounds a lot like my step-GM in the couple of years before her dementia diagnosis. Out shopping ‘gosh, she’s so fat, I’m glad you’re slim, dear, I’d be so embarrassed.’ Type comments. All completely out of character.

I've come to realise that my dad, who is a very spritely 87 year old, and who I love very much (and have spent a lot of time with over the years) makes totally inappropriate comments when out. About not-so-fit people running, or the fact that there are so many people of different ethnicities in the city where I live, or the fact that so many people are overweight these days. Often he does it in a jokey way (or so he thinks).

He's not a boorish man, and is very intelligent and kind, so it's particularly troubling to me when he does this. Trouble is, I have a feeling that he's always been a bit like this, it's just that I never really noticed (though it probably has got more common, as his world has shrunk as he's got older). Plus when I was younger, I didn't realise it was so unacceptible. It's probably a side of him that I'd completely glossed over until recently.

So it doesn't seem surprising to me that the OP is seeing a whole new side to her mother as she spends more time with her.

I apologised. Don’t start the pile on.

I always think of this like when I give out or roll my eyes about people- I’d say it to my dh and then something else might happen like ‘this beep was driving right up behind me, and I’d say it in work or at the school gates. She could probably say stuff like that to your dad, so she could get stuff out of her system, and to the people around her area or whoever she had but now you’re getting it all and I think you’re probably just getting all the bad stuff tbh! Plus you’re a different generation so it sounds cranky to you but (rightly or wrongly) her friends/ peers might agree and chat with her, you shouldn’t be her sole person to talk to for either of your sakes!! I came to this conclusion when I started talking to my mum more after my dad and a few of her friends died. They were a chatty team and I suddenly felt so much for the fact that she had nobody to share her everyday irritations or nice moments with. She goes over to my aunt’s a lot now and most of the time I don’t know the people they’re talking about or the subjects and I realise she needs that.

I do wish her world was bigger and I dread the day I don’t have my work friends, school hate friends or can’t speak to my dh about things or talk to my friends. sorry to be morbid, just something I think about-.

There’s no way she’d be up for joining something or meeting with people her own age, would she? (My neighbour gets on a bus to bingo every Wednesday night- it’s organised in the village and goes around the houses collecting people and drops them home after)

But shes not your friend, she is your Mum.
She may be negative etc but are you expecting too much?
It sounds like you never had that warm "friendly" relationship so I don't understand why you think that would suddenly change.
I think you (understandably) had a vision of what would happen when she moved closer but sh'es not the person you wanted her to be so drop expectations and try and enjoy any good bits of her

Could be the grief or could be just grumpy in her old age/ low mood. She’s obviously not happy. Give her that age old adage- if you’ve nothing nice to say don’t say anything

This is so helpful to know it's not an isolated situation.

Shes joined some groups and is building up friends and contacts, so her world is small yes, relative to my crazy late 40s pile on of work, but I would say she has some good friends she can call and chat too.

I don't think seeing someone acting like an arsehole means they've got dementia. Could be depression and some bitterness after losing your dad tbh, which are both understandable. Or it could be that your mum's snarkiness was naturally hidden under your dad's dominant personality.

I bet you'll be a good influence on her though and add some happiness into her life, and it's lovely what you're doing for her.

I’ve known a lot of older ladies over the years (church) and this is very familiar to me. Rudeness and being judgemental- comments voiced loudly enough for others to hear - very common, unfortunately. As she’s your mum, surely you can ask her not to do it though?

Ps on the dementia thing if you do read up on it just be careful, it’s easy to see it and assume it but it’s an assumption people make too much with older people, I know a few people who have dementia (early stages and full on) and had chats with staff at the hospital and they said people should always be vigilant but also realise that people change and everyone’s memories also fade a bit and there’s a crater of a jump between that and dementia- just that on mn people say it and they probably are living it with family members but then they suggest it and it can be seen where it’s not and can lead to people not being taken seriously because it’s assumed if you know what I mean

I’m sure it’s probably the case in men as well - churches don’t have as many of them.

This could be because she is struggling with depression , grief or early stage cognitive issues.

My dad was like this too after my mum passed. Was almost like a personality transplant- be became very grumpy and nit picky ( including shouting or muttering at strangers who did things which weren’t entirely to his liking) ..

Have you sat down and discussed the issue with her, how you find the comments, how surprised you are that she’s so awful about people. Be direct.

Also Pavlovs dogs. Immediately end Communication/visits each time she behaves badly. Give lots of time and attention when she’s behaving well. Be consistent

Does she seem down or depressed? Is she saying these things because she feels rubbish? Therapy might be the answer?

Like loads of us.
There are many, many reasons for this.
Is that ok??

Check for infections, dehydration and signs of other conditions, all of which can affect mood and behaviour. Dementia is another. GP check up, something along the lines of a yearly check, so suspicions not raised, might be worth arranging.

My mum also went like this before we realised she had dementia. In her case things she'd always been rude & judgey about got worse (e.g comments about people being fat/lazy - she was always very slim & petite). New stuff too - the racist comments were the worst. So embarrassing in public!

But it may just be her feeling out of sorts and as someone else said, putting others down to make herself feel better.

Make sure you draw a line about what you will accept and leave if she keeps overstepping. If mum got nasty or bitchy with any of us we would give her one warning then we'd leave. Even with dementia she knew we meant if if we said "that's enough" and that there would be consequences if she kept going - sort of how you do with a young child. Next visit she'd act like it had never happened.

Also don't explain or reason with her. For example you have a cleaner because you want to, you spend money because it's yours and you decide. Don't give any other reasons because if she's like my mother she'll just argue back that you're wrong. Cut off the argument immediately and change the subject.

As long as she didn’t say it directly to the person, she’s entitled to have an opinion. She’s 82… a completely different generation

There is probably a degree of cognitive impairment , the first signs of dementia on looking back for my mum and MIL were a change in personality and less filter .

Hard work mine same age. Think her week so long they have comments on everything.. people work so her mid weeks are quiet. No easy answers. I call on saturdays

Becoming a bitter person is surprisingly common when losing a spouse.

I'm not sure what the answer is though.

This

OTOH new rudeness can be a symptom of dementia, which can also become more noticeable when a person is in a new environment, so do keep an eye on her, OP.

My lovely MIL started using language I'd NEVER heard her use before. We were all shocked because she'd always commented negatively about people who swore or were rude! It was the start of her dementia.
I hope this is not the start of her dementia journey ☹️