Regret helping my elderly mum.

[blackandwhitestripes]

I feel bloody awful and would like some thoughts or advice on how to move past this.

My dad died 3 years ago and my mum (82) was alone in the house approx 2+ hours drive away, she was coping but lonely. Just for context I have no siblings but have teenagers and a DH.

So we decided to see if she would like to move closer which we have spend the last 2 years planning and finally she is here, less than 20 minutes away and settling into a home, all great I thought.

I was looking forward to getting to know my adult mum, as it's always been mum & dad and dad was a dominant person, so I never felt like I knew my mum as her own person. Well here is the issue over the last 6 months what I'm getting to see isn't very nice at all.

Shes so judgy when we are out, rude about others, snide comments about my lifestyle almost like jealously. Shes standoffish and generally pretty unpleasant to spend time with, she talks and gossips with comments I don't really always agree with.

I did call her out on snearing at a guys tattoos.

I have to be fair I'm surprised as she was always lovely, friendly and this is an entirely different side to her I have never ever seen, maybe as we are out more?

I'm currently think she's just unsettled and needs time, but there is a big chuck of me now thinking bugger I have to visit and I have created myself a whole new load of issues.

Ultimately my care for her will remain but how do I ignore or manage that this isn't the person I thought she was?

Or does anyone this is normal when you get to know your parents on a deeper level?

I think kindness and boundaries, lower expectations and hold on for the ride! Seems to be the key theme.

Oh and also medical checks.

how often do you see her? and what do you do when you get together? any siblings?

No siblings and small trips out, grab a coffee, go for lunch just nice stuff. Local and simple.

@trextape about 2-3 times a week

I'd agree with this - my lovely kind gran who didn't say a bad word about anyone in her whole life became very judgemental and harsh nearly overnight. I'm quite a robust person but the change was devastating to witness and shortly afterwards was diagnosed as having dementia.

I'd look at other behaviours too for signs,

Your mum was born in the middle of WW2, and there was strict rationing for the first 8 or 9 years of her life. The culture she was born into, and that formed her, has very little relation to modern Britain. Despite the cost of living, she probably thinks that people nowadays have it easy. That's always going to be her perspective. In the immortal words of LP Hartley: "The past is another country. They do things differently there."

I buried my 97 year old mum last year. In her last years, she was a judgy old bigot, but once I stopped judging her myself, once she knew that her experience, her memories were valued, and that was our focus, she was a joy to spend time with.

She did seem to have lost some empathy, but my feeling is that she could no longer afford it, having lost so many people she cared about.

She never had any diagnosed dementia, but she absolutely walked backwards down her final years into childhood, precocious toddlerhood, helpless baby. The time I spent with her is very precious. I'm glad I didn't miss it. I'm glad I know who she was and all about her story.

To those posters saying you shouldn't put up with this, I would remind them that time moves fast, and at some point they too will stop trying to keep up, and they too will become judgy old anachronisms out of place in the future they find themselves in. Let's hope their own children are more understanding.

This is an excellent post.
Op, try and accept your mother for who she is and remember that you can't even envisage what some you g person may try to judge you for, 40 years from now.

Well said!

@verygrumpy yes to this post, I will embrace this stage, try to ignore the negative and be aware of medical issues thanks to all of the lovely supportive posts.

I've gone from "what have I done" to "I'm doing the right thing" and I'm looking forward to hearing more stories and history and gossip!

I think the grieving posts hit home? Obviously I've lost a dad but I'm hectic busy, life goes on and I feel the loss of course, but when you are alone with no one to chat too, no one to go "oh look" it must hit so so much harder, I did realise this but think my timeframe of bouncing back to life and hers are vastly different.

At 82 she is probably frightened at the lack of control she now has over her life.
We all have people to whom we say things to which we know we shouldn't say but her person is dead now and she has no-one any more.
Think about how hard it must be for her to be in a strange new place and to be starting again. She is not the same person that she was sadly.

Agree with previous poster re the tattoos, it wasn’t that long ago that most workplaces would ask you to cover up tattoos and piercings, now it’s pretty standard seeing someone tattooed all over, in your mum’s youth it would have been very rare.

I do get fed up with people diagnosing dementia online in anyone over 60 doesn’t behave in the way we want them to. Speaking as someone with both parents with dementia, personality change is a sign but not necessarily being rude/judgmental/stroppy. With my parents it was more a lack of interest in things and seeming blank and uncaring and expecting everyone else to do cater to them unconditionally. Loud rude comment about passers by is kind of standard in my other older relatives who didn’t have dementia, I think some people reach that age and give less of a fuck (like the peri menu stage). There is also the fact that she is grieving, it must have been a wrench to loose the person she has spent most of her life with. And possibly hearing loss meaning she didn’t know how loud she said that in front of the tattooed bloke.

Of course, it could just mean you’ve never got to know each other until now, not really the OPs fault though. who wouldn’t want to get to know their own child?

@verygrumpy agree with every word.
Op, I understand your frustration and well done for moving her closer to you. But your mum is 82 after all. You (or in general we- the children) should make more effort to adjust to the new dynamic and situation. Losing a life-long partner and moving away to a new home after so many years already is a big change on your mum, especially in her 80s. My mum had a health scare two weeks ago and I appreciate every minute we spend together now.

All you can do is hang in there and consider outsourcing some tasks. Maybe consider getting a carer to come in every two or three days to check in, do some housework and take your mum out for a coffee. My mum can be very judgmental too but since she speaks another language it’s unlikely that the person nearby would understand.

I wasn’t and still not close to my mum. It’s weird because she also ‘seems lovely’ but she’s worn down by my dad and has never has been a warm and fuzzy type of mum. I probably have closer relationships with casual work colleagues. I tried so many times to be closer but she didn’t reciprocate and went off at me a few times, so I gave up. We have a cordial relationship.

(DD gets a warm and fuzzy mum instead!).