Realised he has spread a rumour about me

[UmberBiscuit]

I had a brief relationship with a man who ended it with me and I was crushed as I’d made it clear how much I liked him. We attend the same hobby group and know a lot of the same people. Before he ended it I pursued him as I couldn’t understand what was going on as he’d been so nice but then was so cold to me. It took a while but I managed to get out of him that he didn’t want to see me anymore and so although I felt very upset I left him alone. Looking back I think it was just an ego boost for him and nothing more. We have bumped into each other a few times since at our hobby group and it’s been civil, no drama or unpleasantness.

The painful thing for me is that he has clearly told some of his guy friends (that we both know) that I pursued him. I don’t think he has been honest about his side of things and that he led me on knowing he didn’t want a relationship with me. The reason I think this is because since this time three of the guys I know he is close friends with have acted differently around me- one keeps looking at me and smirks, another has asked me out - all are in long term relationships. It makes me wonder what they think of me?

I’m consumed with wondering what the hell he must have said about me. I’ll never know because if I ask him he will deny it and probably block me. I think I am the subject of gossip and humiliation in a social network I really cared about and went to regularly. It is ruining it for me and I’m struggling to stop thinking about the fact that these rumours about me will never go away. I don’t want to leave the group but don’t know how to feel better about it. I wish I knew what’s been said but I don’t think I can know. Anyone else heard gossip like this? What did you think of the other person? How can I handle it? This is hurting me so much.

I am so sorry you fell for someone who has turned out to be such a malicious, pathetic little wanker baby. What a tosspot loser he is. No shame attaches to you; his behaviour reflects badly on him alone.

I would imagine he has said much of the usual misogynistoc bullshit about you... You're easy, you're a slut, you were begging for it, you couldn't get enough of it. He has probably told them intimate details about the sexual acts you shared. Some men are just vile.

If I heard this kind of talk from anyone I would think very poorly of them and that they had never deserved your attention and affection. I would think you had been unfairly and unkindly treated.

I would want to confront the dickhead about violating my privacy, and call out his mates on their sad sexist attitudes. I would treat him with contempt and them with disdain, and work hard to be rational and objective and give none of them any more headspace or energy.

I would probably find all of that as hard as you do. I feel for you and urge you to hold your head high and put this moronic man-child behind you. Pretend he simply doesn't exist and continue to pursue your hobby with pride, and focus on other participants in your group.

He probably just bragged about what you did in bed. Hold your head high and chalk it up to experience.

Tbh I think he has ruined the group for you.
Men can be terrible in situations like this and it’s not worth trying to turn it around. Try and stop wondering - it’ll just be misogynistic shite to bolster his ego. The obvious thing is to cut your losses and find another group. Why would you want to spend time with people like this?
Good luck.

I should have been clearer- it was a very brief ‘relationship’ and we never slept together just kissed. We did spend quite a bit of time together and he opened up to me quite a bit. But no one else knew about it and it was all over in a matter of weeks. I think I read a lot more into it than was there. I’m pretty sure he won’t have said to anyone that we were ‘together’ . I don’t really want to leave this group as I know lots of other people there and there’s many nice people. It’s a big enough group that I can keep a bit of a distance from him and his mates but I’m really struggling with who he’s spoken to and what he’s actually said.

He’s made out that you’re desperate for a relationship with him and were devastated / wanted him. The other equally misogynistic twats think ‘she’ll have me if she can’t have him’.

You are worth a million of them. Hold your head high, ignore their pathetic behaviour and do not leave this group. Don’t let their tiny dicks dictate your incredible life.

Next time smirky twat smirks ask him what he is smirking about!

Since you say there are lots of nice people in the club, I think most normal nice people don't give much credit to relationship-based gossip, especially re: dating/unmarried pairs. Everyone knows there are 2 sides to every story between a man and woman. I've done a bit of gossiping like anyone else, but most people don't really gossip maliciously/in depth about dating dynamics just because it's obviously complex and so pointlessly subjective.

Men are disgusting. I would tell you don't over think this rumour.

There mind is constantly on sex... and I agree with others it's probably sexual in nature. It might be about any aspect of you're sexual behaviour. Did you send him pictures or sext?

So next time they smirk... smirk back. If they ask you out, tell them you'll let there partner know too.

Best thing you can do it block him on social media. Just call the group losers or sex pest next time. These bullies will back off.

Thank you for this. I’m sure many people wouldn’t even care if they did hear something. I think I’m just struggling with the whole being lead on and then talked about with his twatty mates but not knowing for sure what he’s said about me. I feel very hurt that he’s done this and it makes me realise how wrong I was about him

You've done nothing wrong and theyre being very immature.

Okay so you fancied him and maybe chased him for attention a bit.,blokes do it all the time but women don't go round smirking at the men who asked their mate out.

You need to accept in your head that your behaviour was fine, then their behaviour won't bother you.

These people are beneath you. Him & his sad little mates. If they’re are so narrow minded to not consider that there’s 2 sides to a story that’s their little problem. Oh and the fact they’re willing to cheat on their partners. Does that not tell you enough about them? As for him what a loser- had to make something up to boost his ego in front of his mates.. ew. You are well rid. It DOES NOT MATTER what any of these losers think of you- let them think what they want!. You just go about your business, ignore them and be glad you had a lucky escape x

One time my husband’s ex-wife wrote him a very nice letter and begged him for the pink slip to her car (pink slips in the US are literally pink pieces of paper that prove ownership and are impossible to replace).
My husband laughed and said she was an alcoholic and that she had convinced herself that he had taken it. He also said she was a prolific liar.
It bothered me a bit because she had been so sincere - and coherent - in her letter, but I let it go.
Then we divorced, and wouldn’t you know it , my birth certificate and stock certificates came up missing…
There are men in this world (and women too) who are just no damn good. And I’m sure that the people in your hobby group this guy gabbing to have heard him gab & brag & blab on any number of different occasions about any number of different people and take him with a grain of salt.
I know it’s hard to shake it off, but imagine being that loser.

No I never sent him anything like that . He could potentially show his mates the messages as it was quite flirtatious on both sides (nothing overly sexual though) but that would demonstrate that he was part of it and it wasn’t just me chasing

That is shocking!! I’m sorry you had that

It hurts a lot. Anyone can say anything about a person. Control only your own actions and let it go

He probably told them you shagged then he dumped you - to save face in front of his bloke mates.

how old are these twats

although - if you pursued him and that’s what he’s told them…. what’s the issue?

how did you “pursue him”?

in your op you describe it as a brief relationship and that he ended it

but now it was a couple of snogs?

He sounds horrible and so do his friends. Absolutely to be avoided.
You could drive yourself mad wondering what he said about you. It’s just the muttering of an arsehole though so it’s not worth it. Can you find another place to do your hobby so you don’t have to see them at all for a while?

@trextape

you don't have to have sex for it to be a relationship.

@UmberBiscuit

im sorry you've been hurt by this bloke, he sounds like a twat, so do his friends, but you need to just ignore them, except if get in first with the 'smirky' twat.

im like you in that I HATE not knowing stuff, it really grinds my gears, but it'll pass.

Dont let them spoil the hobby/group for you, just rise above it & be friendly with others.

Just take on the mantra, what's worse than being talked about? Not being talked about.

Seriously if all they have in their lives is unsubstantiated rumours about you that says more about them than you.

Own it basically.

If the rumours get around the group someone will tell you eventually and then you can address it sarcastically "oh my lord really" type thing.

And some people claim men aren’t bitchy and gossipy!
I’m sorry OP, they sound like a bunch of 15 year olds. If you can front it out, do. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

I suspect this too- men who are hot and cold are all about their ego and wanting validation. He's probably getting off on making out that you liked him so others can give him an ego stroke too. What a pathetic piece of shit he is.

You ARE worth a million of him. In circumstances like this the absolute best thing is to ignore it. I know that sounds passive but hear me out- if you question him or others it will show that you are bothered by it, it makes more drama out of it and it keeps it going on longer- it prolongs the issue. By completely ignoring it, it will be forgotten in a short time, it shows you are above it and you dont have to justify yourself to anyone. Besides, with rumours, it doesnt matter how vehemently you deny something- the people that want to believe it, will, and the people who like and respect you, wont. You could show video evidence to some people and they STILL wont have it because they dont want to see the truth, they get a benefit out of believing a lie. Let them.

Carry on going to the group, know your worth, be calm, composed, and know and be glad that you arent a piece of human shit like he is. This will die down in time and decent people are intelligent enough to notice when someone is spreading lies and the evidence they see doesn't back it up.

Put this right out of your mind and focus on your own life and all the incredible things you are going to achieve. Dont let some idiot live in your head- thats what he wants. You're fabulous- act like it. x

I’m sorry this has happened OP. Men can be such immature wankers. I had a similar thing happen at my old workplace years ago, a guy fancied me and we had one singular kiss, he started showing some major controlling red flags when we were talking and texting, so I broke things off. He then spread a false rumour round the office that I’d, ahem, ‘pleasured’ him in the office toilet. Yuck.