How to end this friendship (another one sorry)

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

My friend is a nice, intelligent and caring person. Friends since university 15 years ago.

My issue is that I don’t enjoy her company. She over explains and goes into far too much detail. She also gets super excited about things which I find boring and I struggle to match / cope with her level of enthusiasm - I find her energy draining. I’m aware this is a me problem. Although I know of a mutual friend who used to be close to her and ghosted her a while back citing similar feelings.

My friend likes to spend a week of her summer holiday with me each year, traveling over from another EU country. I feel compelled to take time off work to keep her company, do day trips with her etc. I find it really difficult maintaining the level of social interaction she requires when she stays with me. I’m a more reserved person perhaps?

The situation is tricky because I feel guilty, she is a nice person, she does nice things for me to show gratitude for me hosting her such as cooking a meal, drawing me a picture.

I feel like a horrible person but recently I just haven’t had the emotional bandwidth/ energy for her. She leaves long rambling voice messages I don’t respond to. Asks for phone calls I don’t commit to. She wants to visit and stay with me this summer, and bring her new bf too.

Do I explain why I feel the way I do? Is there a nice way to put this (it’s not you it’s me?) I must have changed, I must have enjoyed her company previously but for some reason I can’t anymore.

To add that we’ve shared lots of interesting conversations, we have shared values, we’ve shared personal problems and things about our past with each other. We’ve bonded a lot but I’ve lost patience for her communication style now.

You can either tell her directly why you don't want to be friends any more or do a slow fade- gradually stop replying, making excuses about why you can't meet etc. both have their pros and cons.

I would say no to the week long holidays, whether she brings her bf or not. she can book a hotel and you can see her for dinner a couple of nights. Or are you looking to end the friendship completely?

If she’s already been ghosted I think it may be quite hurtful to her to tell the truth about your feelings. I’d perhaps go for saying life is out of control busy this year and you won’t be able to see her this year 🤷‍♀️

If she is your friend can't you just tell her to stop blethering on when she goes into too much detail. We had a co-worker who was like this and we all thought it was funny and gently took the mick. She took it in good heart and whenever she went on too much she took another ribbing and stopped.

Communication. She over does it and you should try it.

I totally relate to this and have exactly the same issue with a friend of mine. She moved to another country about 10 years ago and I enjoy whatsapping but find that I avoid phone calls and dread our visits (we see each other 3/4 times a year).

I have realised that our relationship worked better when we lived close by because we didn’t have to spend extended periods of time together or have intense catching up sessions because we saw each other a lot and there wasn’t so much to catch up on. I have also realised that while I am sociable and not shy or untalkative I am introverted, that is that I can get really drained by people and need a lot of down time.

It sounds like your friend is an extrovert, the kind of person who gets energy from being with people and talking a lot. That’s just the way she is. It’s unfair to characterise her as annoying. It’s more likely that you aren’t very compatible when it comes to visiting.

I don’t know what to advise. This summer, for the. first time in years I have ducked out of a holiday with her by telling a series of white lies. I am going to drop in on her for 3 days instead. She can’t understand that and always pushes for at least a week but I hope we can eventually settle on this as a new normal for visits. It would be a shame if you started thinking negatively about your friend just because you can’t work out a compromise.

She doesn’t earn loads and likes to holiday cheaply by staying with me.

To be completely honest I'd absolutely hate to have a friend who didn't want to know me...I'd feel pained and embarrassed you are not her friend at all. To save her hurt I'd gradually dissappear rather than telling her she's to enthusiastic for you.

I get that but it hasn’t been working so far. I’ve ignored multiple texts, voice notes, requests for phone calls.

Yes I think I will take this approach thank you. I will say I just don’t have capacity this year for phone calls or a holiday.

There's no nice way to do or put it.

My best friend from high school just stopped talking to me in my early 20's, it left me confused for a long time because she wouldn't say exactly why and eventually I had no choice but to leave our wider friendship group. It didn't feel that way at the time but I'm so much better for it. I learnt to pick friends better after that but I was young and had time to form them.

I'm for walking away from friendships if that person has done something wrong (when that's the case you can explain it bluntly) but if she hasn't changed then you have and that's not her fault. You can't exactly say I no longer like the personality you've always had. Slow fade maybe the kinder option, start by saying no to her summer visit and come up with an excuse like work commitments or a course or limited space.

I think if you've been friends for a long time it wouldn't be very kind to ghost her.
It would be better to text her and explain that you have a lot on your plate and that for now you haven't got the time or the emotional energy to cope with lots of correspondence.
Also its not up to you to provide her and her bf with a cheap holiday so say you can't accommodate them this year. Then as others have said the occasional text chat if and when you feel up to it. At least you will have warned her that's all you can offer.

Just go quiet and satellite her that you're just too busy this year. It is what it is no one can force you to stay friends

Meant and tell her ... not satellite

I don't think the "kind" option is that at all. Easier on the person doing the stepping back. Confusing and hurtful fir the other.

In this situation I would have a massive blow up next time she starts wittering on. Something like" look I've had enough of you talking inanely at me It's intensely boring and frankly I've had enough" and stalk off or hang up.

That way she can hate you because clearly you are a cow, she actually might take on board her style of speech is annoying AND you will never have to hear from her again ( dustancing could take years)

I’m all for getting rid of toxic friendships and very protective of my own time and energy but you have a lot of positive things to say about her and a history of good times together. Are you sure it’s not a temporary mental state that you’re in, where life is too busy and stressful for anything but the basics?

It would be a shame to end it I think, unless you really can’t imagine enjoying her company ever again. She might respond better to clear communication saying how it is, rather than avoiding her communications.

Reading the replies with interest

Is this one a joke?

I know I'm oversensitive by MN standards but this sounds like the most upsetting way to handle it.

I would rather be told "I don't like you any more" than have someone suddenly blow up at me.

Well I go with "blame the behaviour not the person".
I think getting cross with someone's irritating habits when the person is doing the behaviour is better than putting someone down completely.

Also if you say "I don't like you anymore" - and when the heck would be the moment to say that ? - the onus is maybe on the other person to ask why, think about what they might have done wrong, worry about getting you to change your mind etc etc.

@Invent I was using that as an example to demonstrate another extremely unpleasant response - which would STILL be better than the one that you suggested.

I’m not saying that anyone should actually use it. I’m saying that yours is worse!

Posters have outlined several ways of doing this that don’t involve shouting at the friend.

Beginning to think a slow fade is getting off very lightly indeed if your suggestion is considered normal.

Message her now and say she can't stay over summer.

Then that bit is out of the way.

I think it’s interesting that you’ve let this go on for this long. It sounds like you find her quite boring company, I think I would have loosened the ties a while ago in your shoes. You definitely don’t have to have her to stay for a week. Start by saying you have a lot going on this year (maybe you need an excuse like an extra bit of studying you are doing or someone is staying with you etc.) It is normal to have boundaries. You don’t need to feel guilty really if you do it kindly. Just start saying no to her. I’m sure she’ll get the picture.

You probably need to look at your boundaries. Why would you take a week of holiday to have someone to stay who you clearly don’t like very much. It doesn’t sound like you are fond of her! it’s okay to shed people you don’t enjoy spending time with. Just do it kindly. Be too busy.

If her enthusiasm is a problem to you, perhaps she will enjoy your absence if you are a bit of a killjoy.

Actually it can be really wearing if someone is making continual demands.

I had someone soppy texting me several times a day and wouldn't take the hint. I didn't even know her well.

Eventually I had to tell her it was stressing me out and I'd be in contact once I'd recovered from my illness.

It’s Enthusiasm over things I find boring. I love a mutually enthusiastic conversation. She talks in a very slow way where it takes her ages to make a point, kind of rambling on, getting caught on excessive detail, and also gets super excited about really quite boring things. As I said, I’m aware it’s a compatibility thing and yes maybe it is a bit odd that she is keen on my company given we’re so different. I have other people in my life who can talk a lot, but somehow the content of what they are saying is more interesting and engaging so it works out ok.