How to end this friendship (another one sorry)

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

My friend is a nice, intelligent and caring person. Friends since university 15 years ago.

My issue is that I don’t enjoy her company. She over explains and goes into far too much detail. She also gets super excited about things which I find boring and I struggle to match / cope with her level of enthusiasm - I find her energy draining. I’m aware this is a me problem. Although I know of a mutual friend who used to be close to her and ghosted her a while back citing similar feelings.

My friend likes to spend a week of her summer holiday with me each year, traveling over from another EU country. I feel compelled to take time off work to keep her company, do day trips with her etc. I find it really difficult maintaining the level of social interaction she requires when she stays with me. I’m a more reserved person perhaps?

The situation is tricky because I feel guilty, she is a nice person, she does nice things for me to show gratitude for me hosting her such as cooking a meal, drawing me a picture.

I feel like a horrible person but recently I just haven’t had the emotional bandwidth/ energy for her. She leaves long rambling voice messages I don’t respond to. Asks for phone calls I don’t commit to. She wants to visit and stay with me this summer, and bring her new bf too.

Do I explain why I feel the way I do? Is there a nice way to put this (it’s not you it’s me?) I must have changed, I must have enjoyed her company previously but for some reason I can’t anymore.

Is it just the intensity of having her for a whole week/long "catch up" calls rather than you changing/no longer liking her? I've friends who moved abroad and I did find it can be a lot seeing them intensely for long periods and then having massive gaps, you also lose all the small things you had in common (people you know, local things going on etc)
It's a shame you can't change the visits because you'd have to really like someone to have them in your space for an entire week.
I'd go for a phasing out, say this sunmers crazy, can't fit it in, work etc and then respond to long rambling messages with short answers and see if she calms down a bit... I can't see a way you can tell her you don't want to be friends anymore without really hurting her, better to gently drift

wow what a loyal friend you are!
get a grip and suck it up!

You write that she has a new boyfriend. She and the boyfriend can perhaps travel to your city/town, but then stay in a hotel? You can meet up with her or them once or twice during the week, the rest of the time they can do sightseeing together.

have you had your b iron levels checked recently.

have that weeklong visit changed to a ‘long weekend’ where you meet somewhere.

I have a friend I’ve known for 63 years.
Instead of becoming more broad minded she’s become far more narrow minded and is now anti-vaxx and believes in a number of conspiracy theories and is backing an absolutely appalling political candidate.
But we do love each other and as long as we don’t talk about the above subjects and keep our conversations light, we’re fine.
I do worry about her and where all this stuff will lead her, but I’ll never abandon her just because she has different opinions than mine.

I tried the slow fade with a friend of over 40 years, but that was never going to work. Eventually I had to confront it and was honest saying “it’s not me, it’s you”. In my case though my friend treated other people badly so it was easy to explain

She sounds like a female presentation of ASD. If so she has probably had a lot of experiences where her relationships have faded or ended without her having a good understanding of why. Not necessarily your responsibility to help her understand but she would probably appreciate it if you could give her some insight into what you've found difficult about having a relationship with her

Don’t do the slow fade, it’s cruel. Tell her upfront that you don’t want to have her stay for a week, and just explain you feel like you’ve grown apart and not got things in common anymore. You can do it in a kind way and don’t have to insult her personality, or keep her hanging in a friendship that no longer exists.

I wonder if your friend has Autism, or ADHD, I myself have ADHD and I tend to ramble, and get enthusiastic over certain things but I try my very best to stop myself rambling on because I know it is annoying to others. The talking slow and not getting to the point sounds very neurodivergent. Not that I’m a psychologist haha! It’s just easy to spot other people who are neurodiverse.

I would start by saying no to the holiday, you need boundaries. If she IS neurodiverse that would explain why she is not taking your hints.

It is sad that you want to completely end this friendship, but I can understand how exhausting it is. I would steer clear of starting an argument, and just explain you are very busy.

My husband is like this - talks with great enthusiasm about things which bore me rigid and take ages to get to the point. I either tell him that’s enough now, or ask a completely random question. It works for us! My list of positive qualities I love about him is long so I’ve just learnt how to manage the dull chat!

is there anything you like about your friend which could balance out the boring chat? If not I’m all for loosing friends who make us unhappy and I’d do a gradual ghosting

As another neurodivergent - I'd say it sounds like me too! I'd also like to say that a previous posters "I know you love this stuff, but it's lost on me" sounds like an amazing way to handle this. I've also had people just...stop being friends with me before. It's really miserable and it hurts a lot. I don't get hints, you can give them til you're blue in the face. But kind and direct, with an expressed desire to talk more about your mutual interests - I could do something with that.

To me it sounds like you've got a good friend there. She'd probably do anything for you, if you thought to ask for it. I would personally suggest trying to salvage the friendship by making your communication needs known. Sure, say you're busy or whatever to the week long stay. But you need to be grown up enough to say, these are my communication needs, and I can't be your friend with things as they currently are.

Well you could change dynamic as she will not be alone and knows the area by now. Tell her you will be working then you only need to be in company at night and weekend. Arrange to go out for cheapish h meals and either cinema or films on line. Pub drinks etc. A week of long chats with anyone would bore me and the dynamic will be changed with an extra person. Tell her don’t ask. With limited time, you might even like her. Give it a go for one year

Have you read Elizabeth Day’s book Friendaholic? There might be something in there that can help you navigate this with kindness.

I think we grow out of having friends to stay for long periods. It’s tedious sharing bathrooms and having to tidy up for them etc She needs to get an air b and b. Simply say ‘sorry with working at home etc I don’t want to host people any more, let me know if you come and maybe we can get a drink’ - and then be busy if you don’t fancy that or invite others too so it’s less boring

I think your being mean. you say you enjoyed her company etc and talk no issue over text or what's app. I think it's the whole week staying you are being resentful too. taking time off work etc. believe me even a weeks holidays with my own husband we need a little bit of me time. I never go away with friends no more than 2 nights. that's enough. I think you should give her a chance. explain to her she can't stay a week but can for a weekend. plan some days out and if she starts rabbiting on about things change the subject.

Omg! The amount of grown a$$ people saying here to ghost or gradually ghost a friend is shocking! What a bunch of cowards! I hope the same thing happens to you. so you guys don’t want to be honest not to hurt someone’s feelings but you actually want to drag the hurt over period of months when she’s slowly realising the friend is dumping her 🫨 is it a cultural thing?

OP don’t be a coward, have an honest conversation with your friend - first about the holiday and then about the frequency of communication. Like some PP suggested here, don’t write it off yet, set some boundaries / she’s not a mind reader, you might find that less contact is actually ok and you might genuinely miss hearing about her life. I said to a friend yesterday: mate it’s 10pm, my relaxing time, my brain is tired so I really don’t want to talk about politics right now, I just want to watch some silly rubbish on Netflix. And guess what? She was ok with that! We’re still friends, we’re meeting tomorrow! If that relationship is really a hard work then if you have any decency and respect for her, break up with her like you’d do with a boyfriend. It will hurt but at least she can start a process of moving on straight away, not after months of confusion.

Agreed. She sounds possibly neurodivergent and ghosting is horrible. You can kindly tell her that you struggle to connect with her interests and while you think it’s great she’s passionate, you’re simply not interested in the same things so you need to take a step back for a while.

Sometimes I dont speak to friends for years at a time. I can still be friends with them without being super close. You seem to like her but not in a headspace to accomodate her in your life. I would not break th3 friendship but you can say you cant accomodate her this year and maybe explain you have a lot going on thsi year and explain that you sorry you are not replying much atm but don't break the friendship as you never know when you might need the kid of friend that she is in the future.

I think just be aware sounds to me .she may have adhd .and some of it she can't help .just say you have plans.or maybe try and understand her ?

I've been told by someone that I over explain and go into too much detail. This person is quite arrogant though, and loves talking about themself!

I think I'm on the spectrum and have adhd, so that's why I have a tendency to do it.

Luckily I'm very perceptive so pick up on when people aren't interested in what I'm saying and stop talking.

It shouldn’t be a question of either slow fade or telling her you no longer like her at this stage. All she needs to know for now, is that she’s not to expect a week of your time to host her and her bf.
You just need to reset the friendship in your head the way you would like it to be and then model your preferred boundaries to her when you communicate with her next.
Good manners are useful for these situations because nobody can ever argue with or complain about good manners.

Hi friend, sorry I’ve been a while responding to your request to stay here again this year, - life at the moment is somehow super busy. I’m afraid that this year, I’m unable to host you. Time off work is so precious with a number of things I must attend to as a priority as well as a growing wish list for things I would like to do. And I do seem to need more down time too, time for myself to keep a clear head for work. I’ll be in touch after the summer when I have a bit more breathing space. Talk again soon. All the best.

If she is rude enough to dare ask you exactly why you are so busy and what you are doing you just say, …no time to chat for now…I’ll be in touch when I’m feeling I have a bit more head space.

I’m sure she will back off a bit and hopefully realise she’s been a bit too presumptuous with her expectations of you. Or maybe she will feel offended and back off permanently which means you don’t have to worry about it.

But honestly OP, don’t feel you have to keep on hosting her every year in your very precious time off on repeat. Promise yourself you will do more of what you want to do and spend time with people you get on with, always being open to making new friends when it feels right. Life shouldn’t stay the same all the time, especially if you aren’t looking forward to your hard earned leisure days.

Totally agree with the others that you don’t have to host her.

However, I think that if you do feel that there is something valuable in the relationship then you need to work on your communication with her. I tend to ramble. I try to be conscious about which friends enjoy my rambling and which ones not, but sometimes I get it wrong. Maybe she thinks you like the ramble because you have enjoyed it in the past, and she isn’t particularly cognitively flexible?

You said that you liked a mutually enthusiastic conversation - why not try some techniques to redirect the conversation to topics that you like? For example: “Hey, I’m going to refill my water glass, when I come back I want to hear your thoughts about X” and you can think up topics and sources of breaks in advance

If you want to end the friendship for good then you have 2 options IMO.

1. Tell her outright, you no longer see her as a person you want to be friends with and then block. She'll probably be upset/ angry or whatever but hopefully in time she will be ok. Won't be any of your concern as you will have blocked her.
2. You gradually fade her out, stop replying, delete messages or calls without reading or listening to them, don't invite her for holidays, you could be quite mean and make provisional arrangements and then cancel. Dont do this if she would lose lots of money though. If you're talking on the phone, just say you have to go and hang up, and don't answer if she rings back. Sounds like this will take a lot of time, but hopefully at some point way down the line she will get the message.

There isn't an easy or nice option to do this I suppose how you do it is how you feel comfortable. Do you want to end the friendship or reduce the amount of time / contact with her ? Sorry I can't do a week this year, how about a long weekend? Can you and your BF stay in a hotel and we'll meet up? Can you set aside 1 day or night a month for the over enthusiastic phone call ? Just reply to any messages once a week and explain you've been busy?

If your confident that you have valid points and are not being unreasonable, then tell her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with honesty, and so much kinder. Good friends try and keep you around. Bad friends ghost you when you are no longer meeting their own needs. And its a horrible and upsetting way to find out someone you cared about didnt feel the same.

My best friend and i have had some difficult conversations over the years in both directions. We have both brought points to the table that allowed us to be more mindful of the other in the way we behaved with each other, our expectations and boundaries. We are closer than ever and I can't imagine life without her. Should those issues have been left that wouldn't be the case.

She actually sounds neuro diverse, the over talking, the enthusiasm ( hyperfocus ) not being aware of personal boundaries. All fit in with ADHD. I have it, and have had issues maintaining friendships until the closest ones were honest with me about how difficult it was to keep up with me, and what they needed. It was only then i was able to reflect and be mindful, and be more self aware. Strengthening those existing friendships and making other meaningful ones.