How to end this friendship (another one sorry)

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

My friend is a nice, intelligent and caring person. Friends since university 15 years ago.

My issue is that I don’t enjoy her company. She over explains and goes into far too much detail. She also gets super excited about things which I find boring and I struggle to match / cope with her level of enthusiasm - I find her energy draining. I’m aware this is a me problem. Although I know of a mutual friend who used to be close to her and ghosted her a while back citing similar feelings.

My friend likes to spend a week of her summer holiday with me each year, traveling over from another EU country. I feel compelled to take time off work to keep her company, do day trips with her etc. I find it really difficult maintaining the level of social interaction she requires when she stays with me. I’m a more reserved person perhaps?

The situation is tricky because I feel guilty, she is a nice person, she does nice things for me to show gratitude for me hosting her such as cooking a meal, drawing me a picture.

I feel like a horrible person but recently I just haven’t had the emotional bandwidth/ energy for her. She leaves long rambling voice messages I don’t respond to. Asks for phone calls I don’t commit to. She wants to visit and stay with me this summer, and bring her new bf too.

Do I explain why I feel the way I do? Is there a nice way to put this (it’s not you it’s me?) I must have changed, I must have enjoyed her company previously but for some reason I can’t anymore.

Thanks yes. I think I am people pleasing and not setting boundaries. We only see each other once a year a most. There was a huge gap in the Covid years. And a few phone calls a year, so it’s manageable to put up with it. And as I said she had really good qualities it’s just her communication style that I struggle with.

She talks in a very slow way where it takes her ages to make a point, kind of rambling on, getting caught on excessive detail, and also gets super excited about really quite boring things

She sounds like my 7 year old going on about Minecraft hehe.

I think no one is obligated to stay friends with someone just because they have a shared history. People's lives and energies move on, that's just the way things work. I would do a slow fade if I were you. Telling her the truth would just be a character assassination, which wouldn't be helpful for you or for her.

Honestly, in a ‘takes one to know one’ way, I’d suspect she’s neurodivergent. I’m autistic ADHD and I do a lot of these behaviours. Please be careful how you handle this. She may well be self-conscious about it already, especially if she’s been ghosted before. I’d suggest you say no to any holidays this year due to a lack of time, then you can also use that as a reason you can’t chat as much. Then gradually cut down communication. This is tricky because it’s not like saying ‘I disliked that you behaved in a certain way (say person made a racist comment) therefore I am walking away from the friendship’. You’d be saying ‘I dislike your personality trait’ which frankly she’s unlikely to be able to change.

Slow fade is prob best as I found confronting behaviours they got defensive. I have let things fizzle we outgrew the friendship or one sided efforts always for contact.

I’d make sure that any time she wanted to visit, I’d either be away that week or have other friends staying. Maybe even have renovations planned.

I 100% agree it's exhausting carrying conversations/friendships

Just say a clear and absolute NO to staying with you. Just say it’s too much for you to deal with as you are busy with work at the moment.

She can’t FORCE herself on you. If she still decides to visit the UK you could maybe meet up for a drink one evening if you want, or make excuses for that week.

Carry on ignoring her texts and messages. She’ll get the message. If you still want to keep her as a Xmas card friend just speak / write a couple of times a year is enough.

Formally ending a friendship for no obvious reason can be very hurtful to them. The slow fade is preferable IMO.

Sorry but I find the slow fade a bit cowardly and time wasting. If someone didn't want to be friends with me, I'd rather them tell me upfront than drag it out for months.
No one has to be unkind. I've finished friendships too that are no longer working for me. I said to one ex friend (after atrocious behaviour on her side) that I felt we'd grown apart and I wished her well. (This is a shortened version but not much longer)

It's more hassle and stress to carry it on too. For the friend fading and the one who has no idea.

Please just tell her but gently.

Does she have a child or a relative with Autism by any chance? (or similar neurodivergence)
The reason I ask, is because I have a DC with ASD and I have to over explain everything, especially if I'm instructing her to do something or describing something new to her, whatever it might be. Often needing to include metaphors etc.
Apparently it's rubbed off on me as my mum says I always labour the point ☹️

Sorry but I find the slow fade a bit cowardly and time wasting. If someone didn't want to be friends with me, I'd rather them tell me upfront than drag it out for months.

This. It's bloody cruel. I mean, it's 10 x better than ghosting but still bloody cruel.
I was ghosted once by a new friend who I happened to meet whilst still recovering from a grief-related breakdown & very much wasn't myself. I understand why she did it, but if she'd just given me time, I did become myself again. (I get it was her prerogative though 🤷🏼‍♀️).

You only see her once a year, how often do you talk? Is she using you for a free holiday. Are you the sort of person that only holds friendships for what benefits and connections they provide? Are you pissed she has a boyfriend? I think it's fairer all round that you are honest. Just tell her you find it a bit much 24/7 in your home so your happy to see her a few times during the week but do need her to make other accommodation arrangements.

don’t be too blunt or honest - you might regret or miss her in future so don’t burn bridges. as others have said just be super busy, don’t respond to all messages, and slowly walk out while keeping everything civil without confrontation

I'd let her come over for a few days, but tell her you can't get time off work this year. Unless you feel she's actually taking advantage of you in some way, I think it's a bit mean just to drop her. Just butt in when she's going on, and change the subject, or tell her you're finding her difficult to follow.

Confusious says : Everything is in a state of flux, even friendships. EVERYTHING like you wouldn't start anything in life and get a written guarantee that it will last forever. The friendship is over but she doesnt realise it yet because shes all wrapped up in her current romance. If I was you I would not plan too far ahead if its going to cause you guilt. Its just about THIS SUMMER. Things are just not convenient to meet this summer. You have stuff going on and you cannot meet up this year. If she prying for more info then GHOST ,all be it temporary. You have right to a summer pleasing yourself who you hang out with. You have s right to a boundary. If it helps your guilt diusmantle the spare bed she usually stays in . Put tins of paint in the room to pretend its being decorated. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BOUNDARIES.

I would message her saying that, my life is super busy right now, and I won't be able to host for another holiday. I think covid gave you a good break from her, you've realised you don't enjoy her company anymore! Life's too short to waste it with people you don't like.

Fear friend
I'm sure you've raised from the reduction in messages and phone calls I've a lot on at the moment, both personally and at work.
I'm unable to host you for a visit this year.
I'm sure you'll be sympathetic and hope you manage to have an enjoyable holiday somewhere over the summer
Best wishes

Never go into detail - less info is best
By anticipating her reaction (I'm sure you'll be sympathetic) yourr making it hard for her to be difficult

I feel like a whole week is actually really intense and the best of people can get annoying in that time!

Why don’t you say you don’t have time for a week this year but you’d be glad to host her Friday evening to Sunday lunchtime. That way you only really have one day with her.

I am a sociable introvert and really struggle with having people to stay longer than three days or so. I would find this situation unbearable! However, he’d bringing her boyfriend may make it easier. Three is less intense than two. Could they stay nearby in a BandB ?

You'll have to be firm and say that you can't host her and bf this summer you have other commitments. Hopefully she'll take the hint and back off . Maybe she'll fall out with you over it . But if she does then maybe that's a good thing. You do you .

Youve been friends for 15 years but now don’t want to be?.
From the tone of your post and the way you speak of the mutual friend, sounds to me like you arent really a very a good friend anyway.
I think she’s better off without you and will find friends who actually want to be her friend.

I’m amazed at how many people here think it’s ok to ghost a “friend”. That’s a very cruel and hurtful way to treat someone. I think the best way is to see her a bit less, say you can’t host her for her holiday but don’t ghost her. Does she deserve that? She hasn’t done anything to hurt you or behaved badly.

"Slow fade" is cruel and cowardly. Only shitty selfish people do that to others.

If you were ever her friend you wouldn't subject her to months of drawn out and repeated rejections and hurt because she doesn't understand why you're being cruel and cutting her out. Especially when you know she's just been wounded by another ex "friend".

It's ironic that you criticise her social skills while proposing to do something so very socially inept.

I feel like the problem is not necessarily that you never want to speak to her again, but that you've allowed yourself no boundaries in the Comms that you do have other than putting them off.

That is to say, any visits, calls or even messages are on her terms (long visits involving time off for you, long calls, time consuming VNs rather than texts you can quickly read and reply to in your own time).

Is there any point having a last ditch attempt at redressing all of this? So, 'really sorry but I won't be able to invite you this year, I'm absolutely flat out at work. I could meet you one day though'.

It is not your responsibility to provide anyone with a cheap holiday.

Please can we do texts, not VNs? It's nothing personal but I much prefer just being able to read messages straight away rather than having to listen to the whole thing. I find them quite stressful actually.

Keep avoiding calls unless it's urgent

You might find you don't need to drop her entirely, just manage contact better so you feel you have a bit more control

'People pleasing' is a phrase designed to make the passive avoidance of adulting sound acceptable. You'd rather get rid of a friend of 15 years instead of managing her a bit by saying "I know you love this stuff but it's totally lost on me. I've become a lot less patient in my old age so how about we get started on dinner and listen to that band we saw in our first year at uni." Yes it might be a little awkward as you become more honest in your communication style but a lot less awkward than completely breaking-off contact.

That said. I think her inviting a BF along to visit you for a week is a bit much, but I'm suspecting she put our feelers about this and you may not have addressed it directly. Saying I'm not comfortable sharing my home for a week with a man I don't know, is a reasonable reason to suggest that on this occasion perhaps they can stop in a hotel. Or how about you meet up somewhere neutral? In a hotel by a beach in another country? That way you are not in each other's pocket.

Most of us have family and friends we love dearly in regular small doses, but yes, a solid week in their company would drive us mad. You have let this friendship pattern continue without challenge. If her messages are too long, say so. If she talks about stuff you're not interested in tell her. If you think hosting for more than a day or two is too much, then say so. Setting out your terms of engagement is fine, she can comply or not. You're painting your friend as the bad guy when all she's actually done wrong is not being able to read your mind.

I would not have her stay for the week which is a bit of an ask especially with a new bf and see if that helps - as the thought of that won't be helping. Maybe a break will help but as pp said I do feel for her, however I think it's needlessly cruel to tell her truthfully you basically just don't line her personality.