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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is his attitude out of order

68 replies

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 18:17

Ive been with a man 4 years now. Always found i cant talk to him as hes just not interested.

If i talk about friends or family he tells me hes not interested.

If i talk about the people i look after at work or how my days been (some days are emotional in my line of work) he tells me it bores him.

In the last few days i can see him texting when hes on his phone but hes making out hes struggling to google a number or something. Hes been on whatsapp late at night.

I dont like the company he keeps. He smokes weed and he has shady characters around him im just not comfortable with. He hides this from me to a large extent but he will tell me what these people are doing and will often tell me theyve been robbing and off their heads. He tells me he talks to nobody and has no numbers in his phone. Yet he knows so manty things.

I dont think hes 100% cheating. I think hes letting a male stay over whos recently out of jail. But hes hiding this from me.

Last night he text at 1am saying hed had a horrible dream and didnt want to sleep. He said he went to bed at daylight. I saw hed been using my netflix at 2am so i asked if he laid on the sofa. He said no i stayed in bed. So i think his mates been there last night.

He came up today and hes been on his phone and its quite blatant hes messaging someone. Hes been using excuses to go on his phone. I feel down in the dumps because i feel stuff is hidden from me. Is it a woman or a shady thing.

Anyway i started saying about work are putting us all in set rotas next week based on ability. He then said you need another job as your never happy.. i wasnt unhappy im happy enough to be put where i do best. Anyway last week i told him how overwhelmed i felt as the boss was putting alot onto me training wise and contacting me on days off. He then made a point of saying do i want to talk about work 24/7 and he doesnt understand why i tell him stuff about work. He said hes not interested in the people i look after or the families i meet.

I said you dont find me stimulating as other people quite happily engage in a conversation with me. He said because they are happy to tall about cleaning all day (my best mate is a self employed cleaner)

I know i enjoy talking about a whole range lf things. Hes just not interested.

He told me to find someone else if i felt that way and hes just walked out. I said fine. He then twisted it and said asif you just said you wanna find someone else and said i say i want a relationship but then i just tear him to shreds.

I talk about work for 5 minutes if theres something i want to mention. Is it wrong of me to think i should be able to engage with him and feel he cares

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 24/06/2024 18:18

Oh, mate. Just dump him.

He could not be ruder or less interested in you. You can do better.

TheSmallAssassin · 24/06/2024 18:21

How have you spent four years with him? What exactly is he bringing to your life apart from grief?

Cantabulous · 24/06/2024 18:29

He's boring, deceitful and a complete loser. I've no idea why you want to engage with him or want him to care?

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 18:31

I dont know but ive never had this problem with anyone else. I am not a conversation hogger either. I tend to listen and adapt and engage with people. I love to have a laugh.
I just wasnt sure if this is normal comments for a man to make at his partner.

Hes been off work for 8 months with a bad back and everyone he talks to is a bum with bad habbits. Im not like him. He keeps walking away and im loosing my trust in him. I think he is sensing me going cold.

I feel like he lives a double life.

OP posts:
Blouson · 24/06/2024 18:32

He sounds amazing, get him married off.

betterangels · 24/06/2024 18:34

Ive been with a man 4 years now. Always found i cant talk to him as hes just not interested.

Honestly, how do relationships like this function? It's OK to be single and certainly preferable to that. I don't understand it.

HellonHeels · 24/06/2024 18:34

He's a charmer isn't he! Better alone than badly accompanied.

Let's do this in the right order:

  1. Dump
  2. Block on everything
  3. Bar him from all streaming services
  4. If you've got an amazon account make sure he's removed.in case he makes purchases etc on it
Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 18:57

I just feel silent inside. I cant be myself around him.
I guess i am nervous about the silence and being alone more. But i do need to embrace it.
Hes going to therapy tomorrow as hes aware he is struggling. Years of wreckless behaviour and stewing over the past. Hes a very depressed person. I feel sorry for him but i feel like i deserve real engagemnt from him.

He said i blew it up into something big. But it just hurts. I feel like i cant share things that matter to me and ive watched 6 people pass away in my line of work in 3 weeks. Sometimes i need a heart to heart. I was sat with a paramedic at work the other day. He wanted to know what had happened to a lady hed collected from where i work. It had affected him and his crew mate. I felt in that situation it was an equal conversation and one where we both got to say how we felt. This is why i struggle as other people seem to want to talk to me.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 24/06/2024 19:06

You are NOT listening Op. Everyone here is telling you to run for the hills. He hangs around with druggy criminals and treats you like shit.

“But I do need to embrace it.”

NO you absolutely do not! He does not care about you. Why can’t you see it?

SamW98 · 24/06/2024 19:08

What are you getting from this relationship? How on earth is being with a druggie low life loser better than embracing being single?

Without sounding harsh, are you that desperate for a man that you’ll put up with any old shit?

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 19:10

I am listening and im not desperate. Just was a nieve idiot for the first few years. But im awake now. Im sure i havent taken it the wrong way.

OP posts:
fairymary87 · 24/06/2024 19:16

You need to get a grip and pull yourself together and get rid of him!

ShinyBandana · 24/06/2024 19:19

You’re not obliged to stay with him, you know. You can break up with him at any time and for any reason. You are not his hostage!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/06/2024 19:21

OP - there are threads without number on here on the joys of being single (one on AIBU right now). GO and have a read and see if anything chimes with you and you're nodding going 'yes, I'd like that in my life.' (And ignore the twat we saw off).

Four years...I wouldn't do four weeks with that soul-sapper.

PerfectTravelTote · 24/06/2024 19:24

"Ive been with a man 4 years now...."

Why?

There's nothing in it for you.
He's never going to change.

VJBR · 24/06/2024 19:25

He’s taking the mick. Dump him
you sound a lovely person and can do much better. Be strong.

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 19:30

Thanks all. I am so tired i need some sleep.

OP posts:
CheeseyOnionPie · 24/06/2024 19:32

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 18:31

I dont know but ive never had this problem with anyone else. I am not a conversation hogger either. I tend to listen and adapt and engage with people. I love to have a laugh.
I just wasnt sure if this is normal comments for a man to make at his partner.

Hes been off work for 8 months with a bad back and everyone he talks to is a bum with bad habbits. Im not like him. He keeps walking away and im loosing my trust in him. I think he is sensing me going cold.

I feel like he lives a double life.

You can do better than an unemployed bum who keeps company like this.

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/06/2024 19:35

This isn’t even worth a conversation @Iwilllearn5 There’s nothing else to say but dump him.

No further details are required. No further justifications or questioning. It’s just a no brainer.

Of course keep posting for support but there is zero need for you to lay anything out for questioning. He’s a worthless and destructive person to have in your life, end the relationship.

Saschka · 24/06/2024 19:39

You don’t like him, he doesn’t like you. It’s obvious what he is getting out of this relationship - free housing and food on the table. Baffled what you are getting out of it though.

ScabbyHorse · 24/06/2024 19:51

Do you live together? It doesn't sound like it if you're not sure his mate stayed over?
It's a bit sad that you've spent four years with him, putting up with his rude behaviour towards you. He isn't trustworthy.

Illpickthatup · 24/06/2024 19:54

A true partner is someone you can be completely yourself with, no judgement. I know there is shit my DH isn't interested in like my friends current drama with her ex yet he will still listen to me rabble on. He talks to me about his work which most of the time goes right over my head or issues in his football team. I listen. I take an interest because it interests him and although the topic might not be of interest to me it's important to my DH so I listen, just like he listens to me.

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for this man. It's not that he associates with bums who have bad habits, he is one too. And his mental health issues aren't yours to solve. You're not his therapist. It sounds like he has a lot of work to do on himself before he is ready to be in any kind of relationship and you deserve so much more. Dump him.

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 20:07

Im just starting to feel really upset that hes gone home and ignored me. I dont want this stress anymore. Its breaking me down.

We dont live together. He cant contribute and is terrible with his money. When hes working he blows it all and he earns 2 grand more than me. Hes just a lousy person and yet i love him. Is it possible to love and want someone to be ok whilst saying they are awful in the same breath.

OP posts:
IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 24/06/2024 20:16

Is the way he treats you familiar due to the way you were treated as a child? Sometimes we gravitate to people who mistreat us because it's what we're used to and we think it must mean they love us. Everything you've said really doesn't sound like he cherishes you and that you feel happy and secure with him.

SamW98 · 24/06/2024 20:23

What do you love about him - seriously? He sounds like a waste of space ignorant fucking loser.

Please find your self respect and don’t waste any more of your life on this vile creature.