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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is his attitude out of order

68 replies

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 18:17

Ive been with a man 4 years now. Always found i cant talk to him as hes just not interested.

If i talk about friends or family he tells me hes not interested.

If i talk about the people i look after at work or how my days been (some days are emotional in my line of work) he tells me it bores him.

In the last few days i can see him texting when hes on his phone but hes making out hes struggling to google a number or something. Hes been on whatsapp late at night.

I dont like the company he keeps. He smokes weed and he has shady characters around him im just not comfortable with. He hides this from me to a large extent but he will tell me what these people are doing and will often tell me theyve been robbing and off their heads. He tells me he talks to nobody and has no numbers in his phone. Yet he knows so manty things.

I dont think hes 100% cheating. I think hes letting a male stay over whos recently out of jail. But hes hiding this from me.

Last night he text at 1am saying hed had a horrible dream and didnt want to sleep. He said he went to bed at daylight. I saw hed been using my netflix at 2am so i asked if he laid on the sofa. He said no i stayed in bed. So i think his mates been there last night.

He came up today and hes been on his phone and its quite blatant hes messaging someone. Hes been using excuses to go on his phone. I feel down in the dumps because i feel stuff is hidden from me. Is it a woman or a shady thing.

Anyway i started saying about work are putting us all in set rotas next week based on ability. He then said you need another job as your never happy.. i wasnt unhappy im happy enough to be put where i do best. Anyway last week i told him how overwhelmed i felt as the boss was putting alot onto me training wise and contacting me on days off. He then made a point of saying do i want to talk about work 24/7 and he doesnt understand why i tell him stuff about work. He said hes not interested in the people i look after or the families i meet.

I said you dont find me stimulating as other people quite happily engage in a conversation with me. He said because they are happy to tall about cleaning all day (my best mate is a self employed cleaner)

I know i enjoy talking about a whole range lf things. Hes just not interested.

He told me to find someone else if i felt that way and hes just walked out. I said fine. He then twisted it and said asif you just said you wanna find someone else and said i say i want a relationship but then i just tear him to shreds.

I talk about work for 5 minutes if theres something i want to mention. Is it wrong of me to think i should be able to engage with him and feel he cares

OP posts:
Beautifulbythebay · 24/06/2024 20:25

Stop wasting your life on this loser...

arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2024 20:26

What is it that you love about him op?- and write it based on how he is today as that's all that's relevant.

I'm afraid all anyone will be thinking whilst they read any of your sentences is 'well finish with him then.' No value analysing why he's vile, just leave him.

DatingDinosaur · 24/06/2024 20:31

“ I feel sorry for him but i feel like i deserve real engagemnt from him.”

I get that you feel sorry for him but this is to the detriment of your happiness.

You don’t deserve engagement from HIM. You deserve engagement from somebody who isn’t so wrapped up in their own world of misery that they want to drag everyone around them down with them.

As the saying goes, why are you trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear?

Don’t you think you deserve better than this?

“I dont want this stress anymore. Its breaking me down.”

So end the relationship. Problem solved.

You can’t fix him.

“Is it possible to love and want someone to be ok whilst saying they are awful in the same breath.”

Yes. It’s also possible to love someone and end the relationship with them. You love the person you want him to be, not the person he is.

Moommoo · 24/06/2024 20:35

Hugs. This sounds very not great.

Pumpituppump · 24/06/2024 20:40

HellonHeels · 24/06/2024 18:34

He's a charmer isn't he! Better alone than badly accompanied.

Let's do this in the right order:

  1. Dump
  2. Block on everything
  3. Bar him from all streaming services
  4. If you've got an amazon account make sure he's removed.in case he makes purchases etc on it

EVERYTHING above. NOW

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 20:45

I got with him because he was working in a group doing my neighbours building work. I was lonely and he liked me and i liked him. I liked that he was ourdoorsy and at the time looked like a fun hard working man. I was attracted to his occupation as ive always dated quiet men who work in i.t. we would talk for hours and clicked. He became this exciting new start. An escape. Then the various issues began to show. I felt sorry for him when he came out of work with his back. I was his first relationship since his 10 year ex. So i felt i wanted to show him i was a supportive partner. He made it sound hed always been let down.

He began yelling and walking away. Giving me silent treatments and becoming really mean. Throwing me out his house if i dared challenge him.

He began borrowing money. Chatting to his ex. Playing games with all that. Messaging other women.

So much stuff. I dont think its my childhood. Just me thinking someone alpha might be better for me.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 24/06/2024 20:48

How was your upbringing, @Iwilllearn5 ? What happened in your childhood for you to set the bar so low?

Surely you can see that this relationship is not benefiting you in any way? Please do yourself a favuor and block him.

Then read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 24/06/2024 20:51

He's not alpha from what you've said! He sounds like someone who wants to make everything someone else's fault. You could do so much better.

SamW98 · 24/06/2024 20:53

He began yelling and walking away. Giving me silent treatments and becoming really mean. Throwing me out his house if i dared challenge him.

He began borrowing money. Chatting to his ex. Playing games with all that. Messaging other women.

None of this is ‘alpha’ . It’s a pathetic immature abusive manchild

Please read this back and ask yourself why you’ve tolerated this abuse from him?

arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2024 20:53

Is that your response to what you love about him op?

You've come up with that you thought he was a hard working outdoorsy man initially.

Which he isn't.

You are fooling yourself that you're in love with him op, because you want to be in love with someone.

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 20:59

My dad was a hard working family man whos still married to my mum. My mum has never been able to express love and has always found it easier to make jokes and find fault than say i love you. But she was a good mum. She kept us safe. Wasnt scary and ran the home. So i dont know. I dont think ive ever had a relationship ive truly been prpud to be in. There was always something i found embarassing with all my exes. Like theyd cheat, where scruffy clothes and one had a terrible stammer but was kind. I have aurburn hair and have been aware that 2 of my 4 relationships were into the blonde haired blue eyed look. So ive never felt enough.

This guy was the one who taught me to love sex and love myself more. Im comfortable in my clothes now and wear skirts. He has taught me to cut grass and do gardening and i think my whole adult life ive wanted that male to lead and protect like my dad did.

I dont know where the fault in me lies.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 24/06/2024 21:04

Why have you wasted FOUR YEARS of your precious time on earth with this person? Obviously end the relationship, he's told you he's not interested in anything you have to say. He sounds like a totally ignorant waste of space.

DatingDinosaur · 24/06/2024 21:08

"I dont know where the fault in me lies."

It doesn't. Why do you think the fault is yours? Do you think it's you that's turned him into this knobhead? (you haven't, he was always like this and just masked in the beginning)

As for your user name @Iwilllearn5 - what will you learn? what have you learned? what do you want to learn?

velveteens · 24/06/2024 22:02

Do you have kids?!

hopscotcher · 24/06/2024 22:08

He sounds awful OP, and you deserve better, whether that's another relationship or being single. You say in your OP he's walked out. Let him go.

Gymnopedie · 24/06/2024 22:37

I dont know where the fault in me lies

What fault? Why do you assume it's you?

You don't need a man to validate your life. Maybe it's time to be single for a while and use the time to find out who you really are. When you're sure of yourself you'll be in a much better place to find the right person who will value you as much as you do them.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 24/06/2024 23:03

Hatty65 · 24/06/2024 18:18

Oh, mate. Just dump him.

He could not be ruder or less interested in you. You can do better.

This!

Channellingsophistication · 24/06/2024 23:26

How does this man enrich your life?

Flyhigher · 25/06/2024 02:02

Omg. Dump him.

ForGreyKoala · 25/06/2024 03:13

Why are you with this man? He sounds awful.

You can do better.

Topseyt123 · 25/06/2024 03:51

Why the fuck are you wasting your life with such a complete wanker?

Get rid of him and his dodgy friends. You'll be much happier.

Iwilllearn5 · 25/06/2024 06:08

He has mental health issues and hes not been in touch since he walked out so i dont know if hes suicidal as this is how he makes me feel.

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 25/06/2024 06:19

So he dismisses you any time you want to connect and share about your life. This is not a relationship.
you are not responsible for his mental health.
you are responsible for YOUR mental health.
it sounds like being with him is draining the life out of you.

we do make habits out of people - and life seems unthinkable without them, even if they’re awful. That’s because we are creatures who make habits. Our brains are wired that way.

once you worked through the initial withdrawal and grieved what you thought he was, and who he wasn’t , you might find yourself feeling much lighter, and more happy.

please just close the door firmly and dump this guy. He’s not making your life better. It’s such a waste to spend any of your energy and time with him

we never know how long we have. Don’t waste more time! Life alone is so lovely - you can enjoy things as you want to.

Iwilllearn5 · 25/06/2024 07:05

Thank you. I know you are right. He insults me like he did yesterday and my brain still is trying to blame myself for overeacting. Am i just a nightmare? He always says im always kicking off, starting and giving him a hard time. But it doesn't sound like me at all. Im the opposite of that. Im not sure how to engage in conversations when im so limited. He says if its about me hes interested. But not pathetic gossip. But how can i talk about me if im not allowed to talk about work amd friends?

OP posts:
roastedrapidly · 25/06/2024 07:08

You deserve better.

Break up with him...and change your Netflix password!

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