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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is his attitude out of order

68 replies

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 18:17

Ive been with a man 4 years now. Always found i cant talk to him as hes just not interested.

If i talk about friends or family he tells me hes not interested.

If i talk about the people i look after at work or how my days been (some days are emotional in my line of work) he tells me it bores him.

In the last few days i can see him texting when hes on his phone but hes making out hes struggling to google a number or something. Hes been on whatsapp late at night.

I dont like the company he keeps. He smokes weed and he has shady characters around him im just not comfortable with. He hides this from me to a large extent but he will tell me what these people are doing and will often tell me theyve been robbing and off their heads. He tells me he talks to nobody and has no numbers in his phone. Yet he knows so manty things.

I dont think hes 100% cheating. I think hes letting a male stay over whos recently out of jail. But hes hiding this from me.

Last night he text at 1am saying hed had a horrible dream and didnt want to sleep. He said he went to bed at daylight. I saw hed been using my netflix at 2am so i asked if he laid on the sofa. He said no i stayed in bed. So i think his mates been there last night.

He came up today and hes been on his phone and its quite blatant hes messaging someone. Hes been using excuses to go on his phone. I feel down in the dumps because i feel stuff is hidden from me. Is it a woman or a shady thing.

Anyway i started saying about work are putting us all in set rotas next week based on ability. He then said you need another job as your never happy.. i wasnt unhappy im happy enough to be put where i do best. Anyway last week i told him how overwhelmed i felt as the boss was putting alot onto me training wise and contacting me on days off. He then made a point of saying do i want to talk about work 24/7 and he doesnt understand why i tell him stuff about work. He said hes not interested in the people i look after or the families i meet.

I said you dont find me stimulating as other people quite happily engage in a conversation with me. He said because they are happy to tall about cleaning all day (my best mate is a self employed cleaner)

I know i enjoy talking about a whole range lf things. Hes just not interested.

He told me to find someone else if i felt that way and hes just walked out. I said fine. He then twisted it and said asif you just said you wanna find someone else and said i say i want a relationship but then i just tear him to shreds.

I talk about work for 5 minutes if theres something i want to mention. Is it wrong of me to think i should be able to engage with him and feel he cares

OP posts:
Riapia · 25/06/2024 07:16

What is it about this man that makes him irresistible to you?
There has to be something, or you would be able to choose to live without him.

Screamingabdabz · 25/06/2024 07:19

All of the good things (teaching you life skills and to be comfortable with your body) are massively outweighed by the way he’s treating you now. And he won’t change op. You can spend a lifetime expecting him to turn around and become the man you want but he won’t. This is it. This is what any future with him will look like - him being an abusive knob and you constantly being broken by it.

Do you want that for your life?

Iwilllearn5 · 25/06/2024 07:19

I wish i could answer that.

OP posts:
Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 25/06/2024 07:36

You sound vulnerable and he sounds like utter scum. Truly.

Change your Netflix password and don’t ever contact him again, or let him back. Please. He’s using you and destroying you.

Epidote · 25/06/2024 07:51

It is not wrong to want someone compatible with you in a relationship. It is wrong to persevere with someone who clearly doesn't care.
And he doesn't care, don't be afraid of leave him it is always better to be single than in a poor relationship.

LightSpeeds · 25/06/2024 08:08

Tell him it's over and see if he hears that!!

Honestly, your expectations of a relationship are on the floor. This man is just awful.

Fraaahnces · 25/06/2024 08:21

I bet if you change your Netflix pass word he’d want to talk to you pretty damn quick. This fuckwit is a user. Why can’t you see this? He uses drugs and you. He is for the bin. He doesn’t even like you let alone respect you. Respect yourself first please. Bin him.

Iwilllearn5 · 25/06/2024 08:59

Thank you i know i need to deal with it now and walk away. I will try my best.

OP posts:
Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 25/06/2024 09:05

Screamingabdabz · 24/06/2024 19:06

You are NOT listening Op. Everyone here is telling you to run for the hills. He hangs around with druggy criminals and treats you like shit.

“But I do need to embrace it.”

NO you absolutely do not! He does not care about you. Why can’t you see it?

This, and what everyone else is saying!

OP, please dump this nasty useless waster, and treat yourself to some counselling to find out why you put up with such bad stuff in your life. Love yourself. You deserve so much better.

DeliciousApples · 25/06/2024 09:22

Dump and move on

I know it's hard, he's like a father figure and company and someone to share life with. I get it.

But he's not the one. There's a nicer guy out there who will do all the things with you that you want.

And the longer you spend with this loser the longer it will be till you get with the right guy.

Waste no more time or energy on him. He's not the one OP.

It's hard to walk away but you need to do it. I just have too. I miss him and I cry but I'll survive and work on myself and get fitter and happier and then look to date again when I feel ready. And then hopefully I'll find the right one.

AgathaKrispie · 25/06/2024 12:04

You will feel far less lonely without this hideous man in your life. A bad relationship is infinitely worse and far lonelier than no relationship at all.

Teacherprebaby · 25/06/2024 12:07

Iwilllearn5 · 24/06/2024 20:07

Im just starting to feel really upset that hes gone home and ignored me. I dont want this stress anymore. Its breaking me down.

We dont live together. He cant contribute and is terrible with his money. When hes working he blows it all and he earns 2 grand more than me. Hes just a lousy person and yet i love him. Is it possible to love and want someone to be ok whilst saying they are awful in the same breath.

Why are you still with him? What's the point? You don't love him, being with him has become routine that's all. How could you love him, what's to love?

DatingDinosaur · 25/06/2024 12:33

Iwilllearn5 · 25/06/2024 08:59

Thank you i know i need to deal with it now and walk away. I will try my best.

"try your best". You see, this is the sort of thing my mum comes out with when the reality is she has no intention of doing anything. She would rather sit and wallow in a pit of self-pity, angst and misery, over-analysing everything and moaning about the issue to anyone who'll listen for the sympathy kibbles.

Either do, or do not. There is no try.

SamW98 · 25/06/2024 12:56

DatingDinosaur · 25/06/2024 12:33

"try your best". You see, this is the sort of thing my mum comes out with when the reality is she has no intention of doing anything. She would rather sit and wallow in a pit of self-pity, angst and misery, over-analysing everything and moaning about the issue to anyone who'll listen for the sympathy kibbles.

Either do, or do not. There is no try.

Totally agree. I think we all know the OP has no intention of following through and she’ll still be wasting my her life with this loser in another few years rather than be without a man.

Iaskedyouthrice · 25/06/2024 13:04

DatingDinosaur · 25/06/2024 12:33

"try your best". You see, this is the sort of thing my mum comes out with when the reality is she has no intention of doing anything. She would rather sit and wallow in a pit of self-pity, angst and misery, over-analysing everything and moaning about the issue to anyone who'll listen for the sympathy kibbles.

Either do, or do not. There is no try.

Agree. This will be your life until he meets someone else who is vulnerable/desperate enough to tolerate his shit. If this is what you choose then just get on with it. He is not going to change.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 25/06/2024 13:17

betterangels · 24/06/2024 18:34

Ive been with a man 4 years now. Always found i cant talk to him as hes just not interested.

Honestly, how do relationships like this function? It's OK to be single and certainly preferable to that. I don't understand it.

Me neither. I wouldn’t waste a week on a wanker like this, never mind 4 years.

solerolo · 25/06/2024 14:26

"I'll try my best"

Code for: I have no intention of changing the status quo as I'm terrified of being alone.

It's really sad so many women are so desperate to have ANY kind of "man" on their arm that they will put up with literally anything.

Fair enough, it's your life. Bit disingenuous to post asking for advice though, you must have known absolutely no one would tell you to stay and work on it?!

Aubree17 · 26/06/2024 06:40

He's angry with himself. He doesn't want to listen to up talking about work as he's not working.

He's angry with you because he's angry his life is going off on the wrong path,

If the relationship was right you wouldn't feel how you do. It doesn't sound like a relationship where you are both on the same page and have the same goals in life.

Ask yourself what kind of future you see with this man?

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