Is he cheating or not?

[Babooshka1234]

Having been cheated on in a previous marriage, I have become anxious over time about it happening again. I re married last year and have been extremely happy until very recently when i discovered my husband has been secretly messaging a younger and very attractive business colleague. I fully understand he is absolutely allowed to have female friends and the nature of his business means he has good working relationships with lots of people. What really bothers me is that his Whatsapp messages are archived which means they are not on show. Having read some of them, he talks about meeting for lunch and arranging to take her for a spin in his sports car. I have also noticed that they are friends on Instagram and were on Facebook too but have now disconnected. I am a little suspicious now as to why? I also noticed there was a notification on TikTok from this woman but I am unable to see any messages. I am becoming rather paranoid but I feel there is partly good reason for it. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts would be that he's giving you the right runaround here

Id be very clear with him. Don't let him fob you off or run rings round you.

Hes behaving inappropriately at the very least

I would think he is up to something.

I think what would bother me is the archived messages. I know lots of people archive messages for a reason but it feels like he’s hidden these.
Does he mention her at home?

It sounds like he's cheating, and I'm really sorry this has happened to you again.

If he isn't cheating with this woman yet he'd like to be, these are not the actions of a monogamous man. I'm sorry OP.

Totally justified. Just ask yourself this, how many 60 year old ladies called Dorothy is he messaging offering a ride in his sports car. Funny how its always a young, attractive sort.

Thank you all for your kind advice and support, gosh its a horrible sudden realisation that you are all probably right. If he hasn't done anything yet, he would like to!

Yes, he has mentioned her before but very briefly, funny that! I can see they have had numerous whatsapp messages AND phone calls! I'm thinking i might get a voice recorder to put in his car, then I would have more evidence maybe. And in the meantime I'm just going to work on my self esteem and do things for me!

Communicating via apps like WA etc while simultaneously not being friends on FB is classic behaviour from people who have something to hide.

I would check to see if they are messaging via FB secret conversation.

Cheating? Can't say.
Flirting inappropriately? For sure.
If it's secret messaging, that's a worry. Unfriending on FB is I think also a worrying sign.
Because it happened to me, I'd be untrusting - do you both have iPhones? If so I'd be tempted to turn on the 'find my' function, or stash an Airtag in his car.....
But maybe first say straight out how he knows you'll be sensitive about cheating after your first marriage, and how this 'friendship' is making you feel now? See how that conversation goes.

Hey thank you I'll be interested to know how i can check this? He also keeps his phones close to hand but i check them when hes in the shower etc so dont have very long to look!

Thank you yes we both have Iphones and actually both have location sharing so I can see where he is which is a plus. I have not as yet had any concern of his whereabouts but this could just be the flirting stage! I'm just quietly watching for now and trying not to let on.

I suppose if he was really up to something he'd have his location turned off and he'd make sure you didnt know his passcodes. It's possibly just flirting/infatuation on his part and she likes the attention but has no interest in anything untoward.

If you’re thinking of placing voice recorders in his car and check his phone when he’s in the shower, your marriage is over. So best walk away now as you no longer trust him.

He might not be cheating, yet but he's definitely behaving out of order.
I wouldn't be happy if my partner was doing this. For now I'd quietly watch, if he suspects you're onto him he'll get better at hiding it.
Or you could say his friendship with her makes you uncomfortable and you'd like him to hand his phone over so you can be reassured, his reaction will tell you all you need to know

Yes, although with experience, cheaters don't turn off location because they know that would be suspicious. They get another phone and take this secret phone with them to their illicit meeting while leaving their normal phone in the location they know their partner will expect them to be. I am not suggesting that this is true in this case. Allowing the partner access to the passcode of their normal is a technique for hiding in plain sight.

He has multiple phones? Hmmmm

There's no reason to archive unless youre hiding something.

You can either wait and play detective or confront him. I just think having to do all of that is draining and I think it's quite obvious something is up.

First, just see if he has enabled secret conversation. From memory, open the Messenger app, find 'privacy' under the profile pic perhaps, and see if secret conversation is enabled.

@Danbury

Allowing the partner access to the passcode of their normal is a technique for hiding in plain sight.
But you wouldn't expect messages about lunches and spins in his car on the decoy phone would you

Yes surely if there was anything going on it'd be locked with tales of new passcodes because of tech glitches or whatever.

It's an inappropriate flirtation at the moment by the sounds of it but this is of course how things tend to start so I'd watch and wait. Keep snooping and don't alert him to your suspicions or else he'll start locking his phone.

That is a fair point.
Why bother sending incriminating messages and then archiving those messages on the normal phone if he had a second phone, you mean? I can think of a reason but it would probably sound like a stretch, although I do have experience of this happening. (The secret phone was not accessible at the moment they wanted to message).

From experience, removing someone from Facebook/ Instagram and then archiving conversations shows they are trying ti hide something.

Tracking the iPhone can easily be turned off without you knowing too. It used to show in messages if someone stopped sharing their location but now it doesn’t say that so can turn share and stop sharing his location with you whenever and you wouldn’t notice unless you keep checking it.

How was it you were able to read some of the WhatsApp messages, but not all of them? And he 'talks about meeting for lunch and arranging to take her for a spin in his sports car' was there nothing else relevant or concerning in the messages you read? Anything to add wrt flirtatious tone from one or both of them, for example?

If you’re already at this point, it’s probably the end of the relationship tbh

Well, not really because, as others have pointed out, this might be the start of a flirtation and it might be worth nipping it in the bud. It is much easier to speak to a partner when there is concrete 'evidence'.