Is he cheating or not?

[Babooshka1234]

Having been cheated on in a previous marriage, I have become anxious over time about it happening again. I re married last year and have been extremely happy until very recently when i discovered my husband has been secretly messaging a younger and very attractive business colleague. I fully understand he is absolutely allowed to have female friends and the nature of his business means he has good working relationships with lots of people. What really bothers me is that his Whatsapp messages are archived which means they are not on show. Having read some of them, he talks about meeting for lunch and arranging to take her for a spin in his sports car. I have also noticed that they are friends on Instagram and were on Facebook too but have now disconnected. I am a little suspicious now as to why? I also noticed there was a notification on TikTok from this woman but I am unable to see any messages. I am becoming rather paranoid but I feel there is partly good reason for it. What are your thoughts?

Oh ‘ nipping a flirtationship in the bud’🤷‍♀️

Thank you everyone my gut feeling is its probably in the initial flirtatious stage but i still feel bloody awful and hurt by it (he also messaged her on the day he was in hospital having a fairly important procedure!) The Whatsapp messages were on his work phone which is tricky for me to explain why i was looking on it and they seemed to have stopped suddenly! This makes me think they are probably messaging or calling by another method. I do check his whereabouts pretty regularly and so far think he is where he should be. Its such a horrible feeling though and i should probably just have it out with him. My male work colleague says he wouldn't do it to his wife and i should know my worth. The more I think about the little things that bother me the more i wonder why he asked me to marry him. He has this delightful saying "you can look at the menu but you dine at home!"

It certainly doesn’t sound good.

one thing I would say - ok two things…

firstly, when I see a thread titled thus, the answer is almost ALWAYS yes.

secondly, your description of your situation -cheated on in first marriage, now second one looking suspicious- is also classic ☹️. We tend to repeat behaviour if we don’t work hard to get out of the mindsets that let us down. What attracted you to this man OP, is he similar as a type or personality to DH1? It’s sadly more likely than not that we end up drawing to the same kind of person again and again.

He’s looking at the menu to see if it fancies being a take away.

He may not be actually cheating but he’s definitely being inappropriate and probably fishing for more. So disrespectful and such a cliche.

If the what's app messages have stopped on work mobile, could they be speaking via Teams?

I meant the OP checking his phone. Theres no trust regardless of the outcome

yes good shout and there's no way i could check that as he uses it on his work laptop. I'll just have to quietly observe for a little while longer and then bite the bullet and confront him.

I'm confused by it all though as we only married last September. I tested him yesterday by messaging him I love you but didnt get the same in reply. But then this morning he prints off a quiz for us both to complete on the 'The Five Love Languages'

@Babooshka1234 what?? He printed off a quiz but couldn't reply to an I love you text??
Why does he want you to complete a quiz?

Wow I thought she was trouble! Turns out she IS having an affair but not with my husband... but his work colleague!! What a horrible woman who seems intent on ruining a 30 year marriage with nothing to lose on her part! His poor wife :-( I absolutely despise people who do this.

I had a really good chat with my husband about it who reassured me he was incredibly happy and i had nothing to worry about. This is a huge relief for me but i feel awful for the poor wife who is being cheated on and whose life is no doubt about to be turned upside down! I'd love to give her a piece of my mind.

That doesn't really explain the messages though does it?

Sounds a bit convenient...

"I've got this friend" 🤔

Did you see the proof of her affair with his colleague in black and white or is that what your DH has told you?
How does he explain all the messaging etc?

I'd be very sceptical unless I had proof of this other affair to be honest because cheaters so very often lie using actual events (eg she IS having an affair, but not with me. The not with me bit being the lie. Or I am going to xyz tonight with Fred from work - Fred from work being the lie).

Hopefully you are fully reassured OP, but I'd be getting absolute proof of that if I were you. Does he know exactly what you've seen?

Also if he has an iPad, he can switch device location to that in the find my app on the ipad and keep his regular iphone on him and it will show you the location of the iPad, but he'll still receive calls and messages etc on his iphone as normal. It doesn't list it as ipad or iphone for your view - just his name.

Who says she's having an affair with his work colleague?

Wouldn't happen to be err HIM would it?! I mean - come on

He’s either completely innocent- or he’s totally manipulative and untrustworthy. I hope it’s the former but I must admit the unfriending on FB at the same time as offering to take her out in his car, the ‘look at the menu’ comments; still doesn’t 100% sit right for me. Some people are natural compulsive liars.

Yes I echo the pp: is it your DH who has told you she is having am affair with someone else or do you have independent knowledge of this? Because if it just him who has told you this I would struggle to believe it.
It doesn't explain his behaviour and it is too convenient.

The secret messages are a huge tell. He is likely having a full affair or at least an emotional one. So sorry, OP.

Oh dear OP.

So quick to blame the single attractive woman?

Why is she to police the behaviour of all these married men queuing up to flirt and take her out in their cars? She isn’t having an affair unless she’s married. The married men are the ones having the affairs.

I hope I’m wrong but sounds like someone else beat DH to it. Maybe that’s why they disconnected on FB? Why she’s archived? Or maybe he’s lying and it is him she’s seeing ☹️

Yes, sadly this is very true.

See the thing is, it doesn't matter if he's up to no good. Your marriage isn't going to last anyway, because you keep searching through his phone. That alone means you need to end it.

Who is this colleague? How come your DH know so much about it? How come she needs a spin in his sports car if she’s a “husband stealer” it doesn’t make sense.

Your situation has been troubling me, if only because I remember a former colleague who would delight in telling his mates how he'd managed to throw his wife off the scent, how he's arranged people to give alibis, told wife how much he loved her and she just believed him etc etc: I'm hoping this is not the same, but my thought was:

In most threads I have seen during the short time I've been on here, the woman's initial instincts have been right. Often when the truth has come out, it's been worse....

Trust your instincts more than you trust his words.

And don't expect the OW or colleague to give you honest answers either.

Thank you for all you help and advice its very much appreciated :-) absolutely trusting one's instinct is the best. I too did consider what if it is a big rouse to throw me off the sent and I will keep a quiet eye on everything as best i can, but it would be quite extreme and involve a lot of effort on his part. At this point my instincts say it's ok and really is as he says and after our conversation i honestly feel so much better.

Glad to hear you’re feeling better - I don’t think it’s entirely warranted though.

it’s your husband who’s wanted to take this lady for a spin in his sports car, been messaging and archiving messages to her. You don’t want to see the truth but choose to believe his twaddle.

I would nod and sleep with one eye open - your husband’s explanation sounds incredibly convenient. Do you know this male colleague? Could you message him and say you find it really disappointing what you’ve heard and he ought to focus on his DW - I bet he isn’t the culprit..

Not all men will think to turn off location and change passcodes. Mine didn't.

@Coldfinch if he is, as we suspect, dissembling - he's good enough at it that the male colleague will be well briefed, so challenging him would only provide false reassurance and allow D(?)H to cement the lie. It's tricky, because clearly there's one of two wives who is being cheated on, the two men and the OW are unlikely to 'fess up. Unless the two wives actually speak openly and both accept that for one of them , their marriage is effectively over, the truth may never come out.