Has anyone recovered from having no conversation topics?

[Toffifee1]

DH and i have had a conversation yesterday and we both find it difficult to talk to each other.
It started because i was angry at him for (once again) using technological terms that i won‘t understand and trying to lecture me after i asked him to „just talk to me about anything“.

I have in the past told him to stop talking to me (in great detail) about his work projects. He‘s a research engineer, he LOVES his job and does not understand that i do not want to learn about engineering. I‘m not one of his students, i have my own career but have been at home with the kids since 2020 with only 3 month back at work in 2022 before the birth of our youngest. I‘ll be back at work in august but being at home with toddlers is boring and even though i try to meet friends or other moms during the day i long for adult conversations in the evening. I do not however desire to become an engineering student.

When i told him about things that worry me about my new job he told me to take a breath because i was talking to fast and repeatedly told me that he doesn’t think my career ideas are wise because i tell him about the worries instead of the positives(i’ve told him all the positives more than once but they do not change!).

He doesn’t watch the news. He doesn’t like talking about politics because it saddens him. If i try to dream up things for the future like travel ideas he‘s „realistic“ and tells me that my ideas are impossible with the kids, cats and reminds me that i also want a dog at some point. He doesn’t like tv. Neither of us follows sport. All he does is work and house renovations - which he doesn’t want to talk about because any ideas i might have stress him. I don’t have time for hobbies with the kids being so young.

Any advise?

We talk about the kids, generic work things (not technical stuff), where we want to go on holiday, what friends/family are up to. We watch a film for example and will talk about it or a Netflix documentary.
Can you do something like go to see a play or cinema or have an activity date and then talk about that?

We rarely have babysitters (my parents live far away and his parents don’t babysit) and therefore we can only do family trips which he doesn’t seem to enjoy, just like he doesn’t enjoy family vacations or tv..we did watch dune 2 together but there wasnt much to be discussed.
the rest of the stuff(kids, things about other people we heard from..) makes up for a few minutes of conversation.

Feels like we‘ve hit the end of the road conversation topic-wise after 10 years together but maybe its normal?

Do you do things separately to each other? See friends whilst he has the children?

Do your children go to nursery? A lot of the key workers offer private baby sitting so it might be worth asking do you can go for a date etc

I just had a friend over while he watched the baby. 3 yr old goes to nursery,1 year old starts in august. Asking them about babysitting is a great idea.. i was going to find a babysitter at some point but i wanted to wait until the youngest can talk a little.

that doesn’t change the fact that we don’t know what to talk about though..

I think this is why having a good friendship group matters. When I go and see my oldest friends the wife of the couple always says to her husband: “Thank god Arlanymor is here… you can talk to her about all of the political stuff!!”

You don’t need to talk about everything, just the common ground stuff. It’s a bit of a myth that the perfect couple stays up into the early hours discussing life, the universe and everything.

Dump

Do you think he might be burnt out? He doesn't seem to do anything apart from work. What does he do to wind down?

What do you do together in the evening or at weekends? Do you go out as a family?

Would time apart help? He can look after the children while you visit friends, do some exercise, meet friends, do a hobby, take a class etc

I've re-read your OP twice and have still got the idea that the ONLY thing your husband talks to you about is his job? When you talk about your return to work, he says he can't keep up and finds your thoughts uninspiring. He has no hobbies, isn't interested in the wider world, entertainments or activities, and the only non-work thing he does is DIY - which he doesn't like talking about.

If this is a fair summary and you haven't forgotten some crucial information, it sounds utterly stultifying and rather sad. I completely understand being wrapped in your work but, although I am that boring by nature, I've always known a happy life needs more than a rewarding career so - like most sane people - have made space for plenty of other stuff, other information, relationships and challenges.

Could you discuss this with him, as a philosophical question? Also, what did the two of you talk about when you first got together?

You are going to be bored and lonely forever, if you don't get rid of him.

Are you sleep deprived? I'm amazed you have time or thought for anything apart from kids. As in really impressed. My DC talks non stop so we barely have to

I have suspected burn out. He also mentioned that he is stressed and overworked but he’d like to work more because its the kids who stress him out..
He doesn’t enjoy spending (a lot of) time with the kids and all he wants to do with me is go eat out (he doesn’t like my cooking because it involves vegetables) without the kids which happened twice this last year due to a lack of babysitters.

When we first got together 10 years ago we both shared flats with roommates, both went to uni, both had career dreams, i was off traveling a lot and had loads of things to tell him about and he still went out and met people and we discussed future plans like what dog we‘d like, where we‘d like to travel/work/...now if i dream about a dog he‘s like „we don’t have time“(true but in 10 years..) and if i talk about travel „no fun with the kids“ and if i talk about colors to paint the garage walls he‘s like „Decide it yourself i don’t care, i want to finish project xy first“ ..

Yes. The baby wakes me up 5-10 times per night. The 3 year old talks nonstop but him being a dinosaurstonebeaverwolf is not a stimulating topic for me personally.

He does sound stressed OP. Like he doesn't have any bandwidth left.

From your description he stares at a wall ranting about work.

Why do you want to take on the responsibility of a dog alongside everything else you're doing?

It sounds like you need to have a serious discussion about life work balance.

He likes to talk about DIY as in tell me what he‘s doing like rewiring electrical things and installing all sorts of smart home stuff that i’d rather live without and don’t want to understand how exactly it works..but not for me to add ideas or decoration ideas..things that i could actually have some insight on without signing up for a private tutoring degree in electrical engineering.

He used to have hobbies. Mountainbiking - impossible with a baby. Photographing nature, wildlife at sunrise or sunset
and therefore getting to/from the photospot in the dark and being quiet there..again not a childfriendly hobby.

he has work attitude of wanting to do useful things(cleaning, childminding and other domestic stuff is not included here) 18 hours per day and sleep 6.
and i feel like he thinks i‘m lazy for wanting to relax and watch tv with the sleeping baby on top of me once the necessary housework is done and go to bed at 10pm. He says it’s not true but i feel that he values me less now that i am a SAHM.

He does listen to me talk about my work until i start repeating myself. I guess i have a habit of wanting to discuss life altering decisions more than once and sometimes repeat things to find out how i feel about them and then list all the pros/cons again before spending a 6 figure amount on taking over a business. I guess its my fault for wanting to discuss something more than once.

I don’t want to get a dog. But when DH and I first met one of the things we discussed on the first day was that we both liked the same type of dogs. I want a dog in 8,9 or 10 years if our life circumstances permit it. I just wanted to talk about dogs/vacations/renovation ideas for in a few years.. just as a topic of conversation/dreams/..

also he‘s not ranting about work. He‘s marvelling about engineering stuff that i don’t understand.

You said in an earlier post that he's given up his hobbies as they're not family friendly. So what does he do to unwind?

Have you considered counselling so a third person can mediate?

Do either of you get outside the home? Apart from work obviously.

It sounds like avoidance to me on his part.

What did you used to connect about? Did you used to have interesting conversations pre-children? Can you revisit those topics?

I'd really struggle in your situation, op.

I do identify with what you're saying about dh's work - I don't understand the technicalities of dh's work either. It's something complicated about Internet advertising software (I think. Maybe.) But the difference is, dh can tell when I'm not following any more and stops.

We don't discuss politics much because sadly our politics have diverged.

But we do still have lots to talk about - sometimes if nothing else, I give him a daily Mumsnet Digest of interesting threads and we enjoy that. I also sometimes give him anecdotes from work.

Can you return to work part time? Just so you can interact with more people

Ps we also play daily games against each other like Wordle. Would that be something you could reconnect over?

we both meet friends seperately and DH also goes on worktrips. DH doesn’t think he needs to unwind, he needs more time for work (and what he means is less time with the children and me or magically more hours per day?)

what do you mean by avoidance?
i have suggested couples therapy, he thinks its not necessary.

it’s a difficult phase of life with small children. You might both find the parts of you that you have lost sight of in a year or two. Maybe he will find enjoyment with the kids when they can off road bike with him. Also, engineers are often quite task-focused rather than relationship focused and perhaps under stress we narrow down to our core. Will the house be done in the foreseeable future? That might take some pressure off. Sometimes we do contribute different things to a household and family, and it’s ok if it’s ok with both of you.eg he’s doing the diy and you doing more of the kids.

Does he do engineering research in a company or a university? Because if the latter, academia is generally mad working hours and extreme pressure. My DH has done both as an engineer, although university departments do vary a lot, so sometimes moving job can help. I would think it’s worth hanging on in there as life is likely to open up a bit for both of you as you return to work and the DC get older and you will probably then have more to talk about and enjoy each other’s company again, hopefully.

Thank you.

I have tried to tell him about mumsnet threads and he rolled his eyes and said i waste too much time online.

i‘m returning to work(parttime) in august, he‘s supposed to cut down hours too at some point but he has not yet said when and how but is annoyed when i mention it again.

Pre children DH and i were best friends, really. We both had hobbies and i travelled a lot so we‘d spent weeks apart and then reunite and he‘d listen to my stories about hiking with Gorillas in Uganda or hiking up a mountain in South america to remote villages with the red cross to treat patients who don’t have healthcare access. I also had hobbies and DH complained about rarely seeing me because i had too much going on.

Before having kids he said he was worried that i wouldn’t do well without travelling and was afraid i‘d run off to another continent and leave him and the kids behind..which i‘d obviously never do because i love my kids and am fine with being a SAHM because it’s temporary.. he doesn’t seem to understand that kids grow and we can only enjoy them being the little cuddle addicts they are atm for a short while.

Thank you. He‘s at university but he was the one who wanted to buy a big house with years of renovations ahead. Maybe he underestimated it but i think he‘s quite happy that i‘m now watching the kids while he‘s off renovating..maybe i should’ve foreseen it but i had no idea how long all these projects would take..

I mean that he's filling the space with noise as a way of avoiding meaningful interaction.

He doesn't do anything to unwind OP. He doesn't go out, meet friends, exercise or have hobbies.

He doesn't seem to have a work life balance and seems to want even less by working more.

thanks for your input. I have suggested games, too. He hates games apparently..