Has anyone recovered from having no conversation topics?

[Toffifee1]

DH and i have had a conversation yesterday and we both find it difficult to talk to each other.
It started because i was angry at him for (once again) using technological terms that i won‘t understand and trying to lecture me after i asked him to „just talk to me about anything“.

I have in the past told him to stop talking to me (in great detail) about his work projects. He‘s a research engineer, he LOVES his job and does not understand that i do not want to learn about engineering. I‘m not one of his students, i have my own career but have been at home with the kids since 2020 with only 3 month back at work in 2022 before the birth of our youngest. I‘ll be back at work in august but being at home with toddlers is boring and even though i try to meet friends or other moms during the day i long for adult conversations in the evening. I do not however desire to become an engineering student.

When i told him about things that worry me about my new job he told me to take a breath because i was talking to fast and repeatedly told me that he doesn’t think my career ideas are wise because i tell him about the worries instead of the positives(i’ve told him all the positives more than once but they do not change!).

He doesn’t watch the news. He doesn’t like talking about politics because it saddens him. If i try to dream up things for the future like travel ideas he‘s „realistic“ and tells me that my ideas are impossible with the kids, cats and reminds me that i also want a dog at some point. He doesn’t like tv. Neither of us follows sport. All he does is work and house renovations - which he doesn’t want to talk about because any ideas i might have stress him. I don’t have time for hobbies with the kids being so young.

Any advise?

That sums it up quite well..

I was hoping for comments like
“It was like that when the kids were small but it’s all better now“

but you might be right..

Never underestimate the toll of small children on a marriage. Something that's not spoken about enough in my opinion.

You both sound burnt put but in different ways. When you give most of yourself to the children at that age (which is perfectly natural - their lives literally depend on it) there's often not a lot left to give to others. Throw in a house renovation too and a lack of babysitters for some quality time together. That's a lot.

I'm coming to the other side of it now op. For me going back to work helped. That's very much personal choice though. I'm not saying it would help you. We also paid for babysitting occasionally to have a couple of hours break. Now mine are early secondary school we can leave them for a couple of hours to walk the dog together or go to a cafe etc that close by the house. It does get better. Without money to throw at the situation I think it can be a relentless grind at times. Hopefully it's a passing phase that will get better as your family ages.

You may just be very different people. Also you sound exhausted, so now is not the time to make big relationship decisions.

What work do you do? Does he find that interesting to discuss?

I am not sure either of you have less or more conversation, from what you say, just different. He wants to talk about his work and renovations, you want to talk about your work and planning for a fantasy future (not saying it won’t happen, but you can’t do anything about it now).

You must have realised that an engineer is going to be solution focused; it is who they are, not just what they do! And thank god for that, we really need engineers.

The way to go here is to agree to chat about something neutral once or twice a week and both do your best to get into it (politics, books, philosophy etc etc). In addition, lean on friends at a similar life stage who will really sympathise with soft play frustrations etc.

Eventually you have to decide what you want, but only after a few months of sleeping properly. If he is a nice guy and you make a great team, maybe that is enough, and friends can fill the interest/conversation gap. But, if it isn’t for you, then, for both your sakes, it is time to split.

I don’t think this is a ‘fault’ one and analysing it that way won’t help. He is who he is and you are who you are.

My DF was like that in terms of describing technical things in great detail, whether the other person was interested or not. And over the years it became pretty much the only thing he would talk about. He was generally good practically but emotionally not at all, to my DM or us DC. It could be that the pressures of work, house renovations and small children mean he is just stressed and things may ease in a year or two. Or it’s a sign of the years ahead. What brought you together in the first place?

My husband’s an engineer and they love to talk about engineering stuff, I do just tell my husband it bores me & he understands that.

What we do is we have separate friends and separate hobbies so we can talk about them when we’re together. I know it’s hard when you have young children. I would take it in turns to look after them so you both get some relaxation, enjoyable time that doesn’t have to be child centred.

What about pub quiz nights?

It's not your responsibility to work out how to make him happy. You have enough on your plate. It sounds like he doesn't do much for the kids either, and acting like another all-too-common man-child that needs to be looked after by you. I swear, men regress when they have kids.

It might get better as your kids become more independent. Meanwhile, I would ignore him and get your emotional needs from friends in real life. Like having an emotional affair. There's a reason why women in tribes gather and get the men to sod go off and hunt.

Why not a full blown affair? Why do half measures?

Move him in, that'll give him something to talk about.

What are you on about?

It also took many years before DP realised and actually started appreciating what a SAHM does. I do think they see it as the "lesser" job. And that somehow "you're better at it" or "you enjoy it more" and "he is more ambitious than you". No, it's because you rise up to responsibility and he doesn't.

You advised her to have an emotional affair.

Like having an emotional affair.

I'm running with that idea

Feels like we‘ve hit the end of the road conversation topic-wise after 10 years together but maybe its normal?

No.
DJ and I have been together 12 years, kids are 9 and 4.

Whilst the kids are up it's largely practical stuff. What the kids need, What's for tea. Who needs a bath. Bit even within that we have a laugh . From 9 we sit down, watch one of our TV series so we talk about that, the actors in it etc. we talk about how work was for him and any people drama, what the kids did, how I spent my day. We talk about the books we read or the movie I saw or the news or if he'd divorce me if I voted reform or is he's allowed to get remarried if I die, the latter two just light-hearted honey conversation. I'm out one night at Scouts with our eldest, he has the odd night at the pub, I have the odd night at the cinema,a rare weekend away with friends and we'll talk about our friends although they're not shared. Interesting articles one of us found, plans for the weekend.

That's normal. Our relationship isn't exceptional, we argue, we both have faults but he's interested in his kids and we're interested in each other.

You both just seem, at the moment, rather dull.

Isn't that what it is? Or does that term only used for a male-female friendship? I'm not sure tbh! Anyhow, talking with him isn't helping. Sounds like they both need a breather to me.

I agree that a different approach needs to be taken.

He sounds rude and inconsiderate. My DP (and various exes) have liked to talked to me about their work, they usually preface it with “I know this is probably a bit boring for you” and I reassure them that I want to hear about it so I know what’s going on in their life. For your H to tell you he doesn’t want to hear what you’re talking about because it bores him is shitty behaviour. It sounds like he doesn’t respect you at all.

My XH is most likely on the ASD spectrum and he really struggled with being part of a family. Kindest thing I ever did was divorce him. He’s now a more involved dad on his own terms (not hands on, but available for chats and advice, and contributing financially). Might be something to consider for you too.

I think PP has misunderstood that the comment about confiding in friends and leaning on them for your emotional needs rather than him would be like having an emotional affair - not that OP should have one

😂

You got this the wrong way. I‘m the one who told him that detailed descriptions of his work projects bore me(because if i just say that i don’t understand it he‘ll try to explain because he doesn’t understand that some people don’t want to understand everything). So i‘m the rude one.

he only interrupts me when he thinks that i repeat/rephrase something, which i often do when i try to analyse what i actually want or think that he didn’t understand my point.

My dc are now now young adults, but I went through this with my ex when the kids were young. We literally had nothing to talk about and nothing in common. It was the end of our relationship.

I'm now engaged, not living with him yet. But we don't stop talking. Hopes, dreams, music, films, box sets, food, holidays, work. We go out at least once a week for lunch/evening meal, or just a coffee. We both enjoy our work and talk a lot about it. Mines more whinging about it (you can like your job but still have a whinge!) his is more 'in-depth'. I've listened to him so much over the years I swear I can re-wire a house, lay under floor heating, build an extension and tile a barroom😂

But the main thing is, we enjoy each others company, and respect each other. It sounds like you have both reached a stale mate. As a pp said, see if anyone at nursery does babysitting. Get out and about, yes you are now parents, but don't lose sight of each other as a partner. Little ones don't stay little long, don't end up like I did, where you sit in silence every evening, if you love each other (and I'd fallen out of love with my ex) and want to make it work, you both need to remind each other why. It takes two!

Thank you for this insight. I‘m glad you‘re happy now.

Op I'm going through something similar at the moment and I asked dh to leave last night which he did.

Our relationship has been dead for years. He wanted dc but the reality is he didn't understand what that actually meant. He clearly hates it. He spends hours doing diy but nothing really seems to get done. It's just him focusing on stuff that could probably wait to avoid family time. He will not be flexible with his work but I have had to because someone needs to care for the dc and because I have had to work less hours he sees me as lazy. I spend more time sat about in the house because I'm with the dc and all chores are done by me do I use the time to be present with them but he also sees that as lazy. It makes no sense because he's always doing this and that but as I said little actual work seems to get done. It can take hours for him to it a shelf up. It's him wasting time avoiding family.
I can talk to him and get no response, not even a grunt at times.
It evident family life makes him miserable. Any suggestions of holidays or days out or getting something for the dc is met with an instant no without discussion. He eventually gives in but it's exhausting trying to convince him to build a life with the dc and not simply exist but working and avoiding. He then throws it back in my face that I'm stressing him out by making demands. Everything this family is and has ever done has been suggested and arranged by me. He would be happy to silently mope about his life going to work, coming him, wasting time in the garage and that's it. He occasionally talks about his work but is not interested in anyone else's life. We have no connection as a couple.

It's draining and I can no longer protect my dc from the dark cloud he brings over us. My dc are older than yours and it hasn't improved as they have grown. They have stated saying things like "can we get x but don't tell daddy he will say no" "daddy won't let us go there" "Daddy will tell us off if we ask for x". This has been the nail in the coffin for me. Dh said he has been killings himself doing everything for the family but when I asked him what he could only name working and a couple of simple diy tasks. I'm the higher earner despite working less hours and have gone on to thrive in my career. He still questions every penny I spend and would rather the dc go without like some sort of Victorian pawper.

Leave before it affects your dc.
It is not normal op because I spend lots of time with families where the couples are not like this.

Sorry op. I've been there. Mine ended up using bad communication as a part of his bastard's toolkit. It's only going to get worse.

Oh dear. This sounds like me in a few years..
i‘m also the higher earner by far and yet will be the one to cut hours..
i hope you‘ll be happier without him.

Sorry that my comment resonated because I don't like to think anyone else is going through similar.
For years I have questioned if it's me. I'm sure I'm not easy to live with but I can no longer accept that I am to blame.
When people are unhappy with their life they tend to pull everyone around them down even if not consciously. The thing with my dh that I came to realise is that he will never accept that and to anything to change. I have given him plenty of support and opportunities but he always threw it back in my face.
The not talking was where it began. He didn't see the need to bother because we were a burden to him. Being an introvert is not an excuse to neglect the emotional needs of people you are supposed to love. It's not hard to talk to people you love and surly you should want to spend time and thoughts with people you care about as that would bring you joy? But no.

I gave it many years and lost myself in the process. I was/am exhausted trying to carry the family alone fighting for the basic. It's a pretty low bar just wanting a chat with the man you married.

It's not easy to leave because of the dc, financial ties and telling yourself he's not that bad, he's not abusive is he. But I reached a point where I was living a separate life, me and the dc. Then I realised how peaceful it is being on my own with dc, without having a dark cloud over me and longing for connection with someone who is supposed to want that with me. I'd rather be alone than alone in a marriage as that eventually destroys your soul. These men seem to think once they are married they can nope about giving little effort and any suggestion otherwise is met with talk of you being demanding. They seem to thrive on everyone being as miserable as they are. Pathetic and disgusting.