Father on birth certificate

[TidySwan]

I gave birth to my baby just over a month ago. I am a young mom (19) and the baby's father is also the same age. I registered my baby as quick as I could but the father wasn't present meaning that he is not on the birth certificate. I am still with her father but don't know how to tell him that he's not on there. My reasoning for him not being on there is that we are a young couple and if I'm being realistic there's a chance that we won't stay together. He is also highly immature and I don't trust him to make decisions on her behalf. We also broke up late last year (we got back together sometime this year) and he reacted very petty. I'm worried that if we break up again he will do the same thing, only this time use my baby against me. I need advice on how to tell him or if I should add him onto the certificate (I have a form which would enable me to do so). I just want what's right for my baby.

What's the likelihood that he would ask or need to know? It's probably not uppermost in his mind, so just keep it safe somewhere. I think you know there's a high chance this won't last, so it is best all round that things stay as they are.
Should he ever happen to find out or ask, just tell him the truth- he wasn't there.

He should be on the child's birth certificate as he has equal parental responsibility. Unless he is a danger to the child, you shouldn't really be holding that back from him.

Edit to say if I were him, I'd be absolutely gutted that you went ahead and did that.

If he proves himself to be a good father, he can always be added on later

There's no point in not putting the father on the birth certificate, other than to be awkward. If you don't agree to it he'll have to go through the legal procedure to be added instead, which the mother can't prevent.

You want advice on how to tell him that you went behind his back and already registered the birth without telling him? Do it by text to avoid the inevitable confrontation.

You sound quite sensible - and if you don’t mind me saying so, especially because you’re still pretty young. You’ll get some answers suggesting you’re somehow terrible, but you’re really not. It seems like you do have a realistic perspective on the future, and it’s entirely reasonable of you to want to wait and see.

My child’s father is not on the birth certificate. That was originally for similar logistical reasons - just hadn’t got round to registering the birth, then found out I only had two days left to do it, and he was away with work! And, a while later, we did indeed break up. As a result of him not having that parental responsibility status on the birth certificate, the situation for my child is a lot easier than the children of most of the other separated couples who we know. Some of the fathers do indeed use their ‘rights’ over their children to mess the mothers around and make life awkward for them (especially re holidays, school, etc.).

I’ve had other separated mums express genuine envy when we’ve become close enough for me to share that I’m the only one with parental responsibility. I was originally sad about missing out on getting him on the birth certificate, but I’ve learned so much from other separated mums since then. For example, I don’t have to worry about having my kid’s holiday plans unfairly wrecked; don’t have to beg my ex to agree to the kid’s preferences for school, activities, whatever. Other mums do have to deal with all that and worse, after a separation - and that ongoing source of problems can really have a massive negative impact on the children. The way you’ve described your situation, it seems like your child’s interests might well be best served by the father not being on the birth certificate. Your child’s interests are your most important concern, and that’s what you’re focused on.

So, my advice is stick to your guns, put it to the back of your mind for the time being (there’s no need to even bring it up in conversation with him!), and please don’t feel guilty or bad about it. If you stay together, and if he matures and over time shows himself as being worthy of having parental responsibility for your child, then you can always get around to having the birth certificate amended down the line.

In the meantime, congratulations on your little one, and I hope you’re enjoying all the tiny baby cuddles! x

Imagine if this was the other way around and The Dad was saying he didnt put the mums’ name on the birth certificate
Imagine the uproar

If you don’t fully trust him don’t put him on the birth certificate. He doesn’t have full parental rights unless he’s on there and if he is indeed “petty” that might be a blessing.
He can apply to go on the birth certificate.
You didn’t go behind his back - posters on Mumsnet frequently make stuff like this up when they don’t know what they’re talking about. He would only have been automatically added to the birth certificate if you were married or if he had attended the registrar’s office with you.

Well that's not possible though.

Thats not my point ! My point is, everyone is always so against dads

The Father has the same rights to the baby and rightly so !!!
He should be on the birth certificate

OP will come unstuck if he does leave and then expects him to pay child support

If you stay together, and if he matures and over time shows himself as being worthy of having parental responsibility for your child, then you can always get around to having the birth certificate amended down the line.

Why would the OP have the right to withhold the father's name from being on the birth certificate, therefore denying the father parental responsibility? The reason why a birth certificate can be issued without a father's name is because paternity can be challenged or unknown. The father can not morally be omitted, to be used as an ace up the sleeve further down the line.

Whether or not the OP believes he is 'immature' is irrelevant. The father has just as much of a say in the upbringing of the child as the OP does.

I know, dreadful isn’t it? Women have rights.

Your relationship shouldn't come into whether he's on the birth certificate or not!
A birth certificate is a legal document that will stay with your child for the rest of their life!
Is this the norm now to play around with birth certificate depending on how well the biological father behaves?!?!?!?
Ridiculous

My reasoning for him not being on there is that we are a young couple and if I'm being realistic there's a chance that we won't stay together.

What does that have to do with him not being on the birth certificate?

Agreed completely

Has he asked about the appointment to register the baby?

Surely he knows he has to be there to be on the certificate so if he knows you’ve been he knows he’s not on there?

Not sure what point you're making as women don't have the right to stop the father being on the BC, he can always go to court and have it added, if he is the biological father it'd be pretty straight forward to do.

Did he know you were registering the birth and didn't come with you? Or did you go without telling him? Does the baby have his name or yours?

If he didn't come deliberately then it's his own fault really. Ignorance really isn't an excuse as you are both learning and he shouldn't be leaving everything to you.

While deliberately not putting him on the bc isn't ideally, I think it's the pragmatic thing to do here. He hasn't proved to be a reliable partner and can be vindictive so the potential for problem and breakup later on is high.

Is he paying to support his child?

If he was a good father he would sort this out himself. Why is it up to you?

He wasn’t there so the registrar wouldn’t put him on. Simple.
And you’re right not to put him on.

What country are you in?

In England mothers can't put the father on the birth certificate/ they have to show up themselves.

I think you did the right thing - he didn't even read about registering a baby to find out if he has to be there or not, so he's fallen at the first hurdle. Not a great start to his parental responsibilities.

As soon as a father's responsibilities are actually enforced, we can start enforcing them being on birth certificates. Until then, single mothers should do what they can to protect themselves and their children from future issues.

If he wants to, he can always get himself added in the future.

Exactly. It is completely wrong and smacks of OP wanting power to wield over him. She has no right to deny the father this right. It is not her decision to make. It is up to him if he wants to be on the birth certificate or not and I would be livid if I were him and found out the mother of my child had gone behind my back like this.

She hasn't stopped him being on the birth certificate though - he'd just have to put a bit of effort in (nothing in the grand scheme of things) to get there.

And it's more OP not wanting him to wield power over her (I speak as someone who can't leave the country with the kids I have full care for, without 3 weeks notice and permission - and I consider myself lucky, because he gives it, unlike one friend who's never managed a holiday abroad, but paid for more than one, because her ex blocks it every time - although sometimes not until the last minute for maximum affect )

I would be livid if I were him and found out the mother of my child had gone behind my back like this

What? Performed a legal requirement that I hadn't bothered to read/ask about /get involved in?

It is not her decision to make.

It is her decision to make.