Resenting husband for not moving

[mummyrolling2014]

When our DSs were very small (1+3) I really wanted to move out of London, get a three bedroom house and into one of the counties that has grammar schools. My husband didn't want to as at the time we were both working in London and he said travel would be too much if we moved out. I feel like I made a massive compromise as it was a big wish of mine to move outside of London. I agreed to get a smaller two bedroom house in London and also on the basis as we both worked in the centre it made more sense to stay. I can't complain about where we are as the state schools are very good and we live in a very nice area. However, our kids are now 9+11, I am now working from home, DH does work occasionally up town but certainly not all the time and the bigger the kids get the more I regret not putting my foot down. Friends of mine have moved to where I had originally wanted to move, in bigger houses, outside of London, (at the same price as our two bedroom) with grammar school catchment. I really feel this boiling inside me like I want to scream at my husband and tell him how I'm feeling but I know he will get angry. I'm really starting to resent him for this.

Re-open the discussion about moving again. Is a place in the country and something ‘bijou’ in town an option?

I would guess your kids would rather stay where you are now as well.

Is the main reason to move the size of the house? Could you extend it?

how was he to have predicted covid and the shift in working

and since that discussion years ago… you have never discussed since?

Not sure if that's an option. I can reopen it but he always seems to put it off even though some of his friends have moved out.

Size of the house is a major factor. Extending only up is a possibility as we are terraced but even that has many limitations. Kids currently share a bunk bed as cannot fit two single beds. I know this sounds like first world problems

When we go and visit our friends who have moved, I always feel really down and mention it, usually in the car on the way home but he just dismisses it or makes a joke out of it. Yes you're right about Covid, no one could have predicted the change in way of working and that's the reason I compromised I guess as always thought I'd be in the west end.

You are living in London. Why on earth would you want to move out of one the worlds greatest cities to live in some boring suburban town.

God I wish I'd been allowed to grow up in London. Your children are very lucky.

I keep thinking about moving out of London sometimes but there's so much more to do/better healthcare options/opportunities here compared to where I grew up and where my DH grew up even though he lived in a city. A lot of suburban areas are quite boring and depressing. Plus a lot less opportunities for young people

When we go and visit our friends who have moved, I always feel really down and mention it, usually in the car on the way home

you sound like a ray of sunshine

You agreed to stay at the time, you need to own that decision. You still have a great life.

When you visit someone you only see the house and them at home, you don't see the commuting, driving everywhere, kids needing driven around, the lack of culture or things to do. You are seeing the view best suited to living there.

The grammar thing is a red herring, you are much luckier to have great schools than be in the grammar areas. Look and see if your district does better, not just the schools siphoning off the top 7%.

This. You need to remove your rose tinted glasses.

Don't bother responding if you're going to take the p*. No wonder some kids turn out to be nasty bullies if this is the example they have.

I know - you are right and I appreciate the reality check as it's probably what I need.

How difficult is it to see that a two bed with older kids in a bunk isn't easy? It's easy if you're willing to see it or not trying to be mean.

OP- Neither of you are necessarily right, but he must be willing to discuss things which matter to you.

Might not seem helpful really in this moment, but you will not believe how quickly the kids will suddenly be grown up. You might love being in London again at that point, and I'm sure they will too. They may outgrow the bunk beds meantime, but I'm sure there is a way around that. Like others say, the grass is not always greener. For all you know, those you know living outside London might be secretly envious of you being in the heart of things.

To add to my reply above, if you had moved then your husband may have now been resenting you. Sadly someone always needs to compromise.

We’re about to move to Kent from London which has the grammar school system. Our DD is currently home schooled due to SEN so this doesn’t impact on us currently but it used to really put me off moving there! The grammar school thing is super competitive & some parents start 11+ tuition from age 5 I heard! We love London but are moving as we need more support from family due to DD’s needs & I have some health issues. The grass is always greener. I know there is a lot about London that I’ll miss.

His school decision to stay at the time was based on perfect sense while yours was on a wish. So why are you boiling at him? At their ages, I can't imagine your kids wanting to leave and be uprooted ?

It seems like these are your wishes and not for everyone else?

Rubbish. We live out of London and I commute four days a week my husband two. We have a four bed house, nice garden and our young adult children have opportunity.
One attends uni and commutes to London the other will start in September.
I'd push the conversation again as you approach high school years. Our own space has been invaluable since the kids have gotten older

I'm in Kent and love it. We are in London for work and also most weekends socially.
Schools are great as is opportunity

Thank you 🙏

They are very settled where they are and have lots of friends at school. Would it be disastrous pulling them out of high school very early on or do they adapt quickly? Otherwise it would mean waiting until they are 18.
I do know everything always looks greener on the other side but it's hard when everyone who has moved says how happy they are. None of them regret it. However, I totally agree about the London benefits especially with NHS. One of my sons was referred to GOSH for various reasons and I know we wouldn't have had that treatment or referral if we weren't in London.

Sounds tough but if space is an issue can you extend upwards so each son gets his own room? Add in a home office garden pod? Any things you can do to create more space at home? Otherwise as others have suggested, reopen the conversation?