Resenting husband for not moving

[mummyrolling2014]

When our DSs were very small (1+3) I really wanted to move out of London, get a three bedroom house and into one of the counties that has grammar schools. My husband didn't want to as at the time we were both working in London and he said travel would be too much if we moved out. I feel like I made a massive compromise as it was a big wish of mine to move outside of London. I agreed to get a smaller two bedroom house in London and also on the basis as we both worked in the centre it made more sense to stay. I can't complain about where we are as the state schools are very good and we live in a very nice area. However, our kids are now 9+11, I am now working from home, DH does work occasionally up town but certainly not all the time and the bigger the kids get the more I regret not putting my foot down. Friends of mine have moved to where I had originally wanted to move, in bigger houses, outside of London, (at the same price as our two bedroom) with grammar school catchment. I really feel this boiling inside me like I want to scream at my husband and tell him how I'm feeling but I know he will get angry. I'm really starting to resent him for this.

@BruFord yes the chucking clothes on the floor is a delight! 🤣🙄

We have the opposite argument...i want to move closer into London, the husband loves living in suburbia. We live in a lovely house in the home counties but it is so boring. Your kids won't thank you either, when they live in the best city in the world...and I've lived in a few.
I would consider extending where you can. If not...lets do a house swap 😉

lol, I need to convince him so ill keep you posted 🤣. That's really interesting though. Sorry for the obvious question, but what is it in particular that's boring and what do you miss?

Sorry not had time to reply sooner. It really depends what you are looking for. I think whilst your kids are still at primary it is easy to make new friends for them and yourselves. Are they into sports? can they access after school clubs and hobbies here they are? Do you have friends locally to where you are?
We have lived in big cities round the world. We now live in Surrey and I just find all a bit small. We have a lovely house and the husband wanted garage, garden etc. We now spend a lot of time and money travelling into London for restaurants, better shopping, theatres etc. One child now lives in London so we spend time going in to see him too.
If you moved further out, where would you like to be?

Thanks for your reply. I am just interested in the surrounding counties like Bucks primarily. It isn't far from town and that's where a few of my friends have gone to. The kids are involved in clubs and local activities and also play for their local football club. Any move now I guess would take them well through into the early years of high school (you never know how long moves can take!) I really like the area we are in, as I said it is nice and has good high schools, most are outstanding around here. However, when my friends talk about their kids sitting the 11+ I feel guilty that I didn't give them the same opportunity and then feel resentful, combined with the space issue, wishing I had put my foot down. We could extend upwards but wondering if this is a waste of time and moving is a better option.

Have you discussed moving away with your kids?
Maybe they're very happy where they are.

This might sound a bit negative, but instead of feeling bad you didn't give them "the opportunity" to take the 11+, you could flip it around and be glad you didn't put them through the pressure, and the likelihood of failing it. Obviously I don't know if your kids would pass or not, but the point is that most kids don't pass it, even plenty of bright ones. I'm not against grammar schools, I'm just saying this to encourage you to reframe your situation.

I agree with a PP that you show admirable self-awareness in acknowledging that you are easily swayed by others. It also doesn't sound like you feel you can talk openly with your husband without worrying about his reaction - and I'm not suggesting he's horrible, I'm just saying that doesn't sound like great communication or a dynamic I'd be happy with. I think instead of feeling torn about where to live, you would benefit from getting in touch with yourself. Have a browse through the self-help type section on the library maybe, see if there's anything that appeals to you, maybe something with writing exercises to help you connect with yourself and start to visualise your values and your dream life better. Zone 6 vs Bucks may turn out to be a red herring.

And get your loft done - you'll need it soon, and if you do move then it will add value. I know building costs are crazy but you should pretty much recoup it on a £600k house.

@TulipsandForgetmenots
Thank you for your message. You give some really good insight. You're right about the communication part. I feel that I'm not heard at all. I tried to talk to DH about it this week and I feel he just dismisses it then gets angry. He just gets annoyed that I'm still upset about it and turns it round that I'm ungrateful for the life we have. I still don't see why moving half an hour away was such a big deal but could have been a great opportunity for our kids. I feel he has stopped me doing what I wanted to do for our kids and expect me just to be happy with what he wanted and always turns it round that his option was the most realistic. He spends so much time helping his friends and family out with their emotional issues but when it comes to mine they don't matter because they affect him.
The grammar school thing yes you're right, I know it's pressure and not all kids get in. I just feel guilty that I could have given them at least a chance and DH has stopped me. Not really sure how I'm gonna get out of this resentment tbh. I just can't get rid of it. Felt better last couple of weeks but because it has again been rubbed in by friends a few days ago I just fall back into that feeling.

Really please just forget the grammar school thing. It’s a huge stress and can be very divisive. How are your schools that your kids will go to? I have some sympathy if they’re really bad, but if they’re great schools but just “not grammars” you really need to let go.

Focus on kids room size. This is an ideal time for them to start really benefitting from their own rooms. Older one will start needing to do more regular homework at high school. They will start puberty and appreciate space. I’m partly just going off our own example - two boys 2 years apart, they loved sharing with bunks but we converted the loft at this same age and it was perfect. Redid their bedrooms for the next stage - the older boy / teen stage rather than the little kids stage. Our loft conversion has been so amazing, we moved up there for our master bedroom and the boys are on the first floor. We have a bathroom up here too. It’s a wonderful space - terraces are excellent for loft conversions.

I’d really focus on “what’s the best way to get more space for the boys”. And try your hardest to be open minded about extending up rather than a veiled “we should move” conversation. Happy kids with settled friends and great facilities isn’t to be sneezed at. If you can convince your DH you aren’t sniping but are genuinely trying to plan for a more space for the kids rooms, you can have a better conversation. It will be really expensive but probably cheaper than moving to get what is needed.

Can we list what is making you unhappy? Is it your current situation or do you feel unhappy about how the decision was handled in the past? This matters for what you do next. I'll give it a go.

1. You think not going to grammar school may have been a missed opportunity. I agree with points above the chances of getting in are not high and you say there school is good. Are you happy with their school and how they're doing or if not what would you change.

1. Your house is smaller than if might have been. If the kids are settling in school is there an option to move to a bigger house now around that location?

1. You talk about your friends a lot? Do you miss them or are you just using it as a comparison?

1. Do you feel your husband ignored your views or did you make that decision together?

Thank you so much for your reply. Here is where I might get shot down for being selfish and whiney 🙈, but I am totally ready for that as I've said before, I struggle to make sense of whether what I feel is valid and need others to make sense of it for me. All the high schools in our area are outstanding. One of my boys is very clever, they both are but one in particular is above level for a lot of subjects and does very well in school. I worry because he can be easily led that he needs to be in a very academically driven environment. I have the chance to sit him for the 11+ and if he gets in it (low chance due to distance) but would mean a half hour drive. So I am thinking is it worth it? That's when again I think 'if we had moved we wouldn't be in this situation).
We are talking about the loft so it is definitely something he wants to do and is planning, it's just such a lot of money so I guess that's why I feel if we had just moved to a three bed we wouldn't be in this situation. I know reflecting on the past doesn't help at all but I am often guilty of 'hindsight' which DH says is useless, in order to get my point across. I know saying all this will end up in an argument but I get in situations where getting it off my chest is important to me, knowing it will end in an argument.

Two teenage boys are not going to fit in bunkbeds much longer.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think you have listed a lot of what bothers me!
Yes - definately how it was handled in the past. Current school is fine and they are doing well though some of their friends are not very academically focused so I worry they could be influenced. Not all - just a few.
I don't really miss my friends, it's just a feeling that I was the first to talk about moving years ago and they then did it after and now I'm having to listen about their kids applying.
I don't think DH ignored my feelings, he listened but I feel didn't take them seriously. For example, he let me look around houses in the area but I think knowing full well we wouldn't. He explained why we shouldn't at the time and I kind of gave in. He never acknowledges how much I wanted to and thinks I should just accept it.

OP I think this breaks it down quite well though I don't have the answers.

I would probably want to explore the following:

How do I encourage my kids to study when some friends aren't academically focused. I did quite well academically in this situation and at times I did poorly because of it. I think its important they have time away from friends and mobile devices to study. They also need to have their own approach and not be purely influenced by friends. Maybe start a separate thread on this one question though.

Secondly it sounds like either you didn't speak up enough at the time re your wishes, and/or your husband is dismissing your views on how it was handled, maybe he just doesn't see the point of rehashing the past or just thinks he did nothing wrong.

What do you want to happen? For example do you want acknowledgement and apology that your opinion wasn't given equal weighting? Or do you just want to ensure this sort of thing doesn't happen again.. or joint responsibility for improving the situation now? Or are you generally unhappy with him?

I ask because neither of you can change the past but its about what would help you both move on?

@GoldenDoorHandles
Gosh thats some really good questions. I think yes, i want him to understand that i gave into his wishes and now feel ultimately he put his own wishes before what might have been the better options for our kids. I know it is too late in alot of ways but it worries me about the future too as I think the same issue will crop up when kids are older, re moving. Thus just ties into the whole issue I've had my whole life on 'settling' and not wanting to maximise or go for something different or bigger opportunities for the sake of the safest option. I just want him to acknowledge how I feel about it without it turning into an argument or him feeling like it's about me saying he's not good enough. He'll turn it into something ridiculous like that and say 'why didn't you marry some rich bloke then and pay for private schools' 🙄

That makes sense. I understand your frustration as you're concerned that you were comprising for the good of the family and he was thinking of what's best for himself. However it might not be that clearcut. You could instead see it as he preferred the certainty of living somewhere convenient for the family. You preferred taking the chance on a better school. If this is the case neither is right or wrong. After all you don't know how your preferred option would have panned out.

So I think when you approach this with him it needs to be done with the view that he probably had the families best interests at heart. He just thought they were served differently. And with an open mind say you'd like to understand his reasons behind this important decision.

However what's struck me here is your last point that he's make about you preferring a rich bloke. If this is how he'd handle any criticism or difference of opinion, depending on how you've come across I'd probably consider thar manipulative... I mean if you were saying x happened it made me feel y, then to respond in that way, to make you feel guilty, is manipulation.

If on the other hand you were saying you made a decision because you're selfish, that sort of response is understandable.

I hope that makes sense.

Basically, you are saying that you dont feel seen.

Is it only about the move or is there a recurring issue? So when there is a choice to make, one that your dh thinks is important, basically it’s his choice that goes. Sometimes for very good reason, some times maybe not so good.

I always think that that sort of situation is becoming an issue when it’s a recurring problem.

Are you in the catchment for any of the other London grammar. It sounds that you had a specific dream that did not materialise. It appears you feel resentful for your husbands. It sounds like your husband would not have been happy to have commuted. In addition, there no guarantee your child would have got a grammar. I had a friend who lives in a grammar area and their child was not successful. However, they did receive one of the highest maths results. London as whole has better schools that many parts of the country.

Thank you. It's difficult to say who is reasonable as one minute he argues with me about it because he says I approach it in a hostile way, but then the next day he'll be all calm and wanna talk nicely. He also takes it as if I'm attacking him and that means what he's done for us 'isn't good enough' which again infuriates me as it seems to be about how this has made him feel and it ends up being about him. Drives me mad at times. In the last couple of days he's also said that the loft extension if we have one won't be at least a year due to financial reasons.

Yes it is about a dream of mine not materialising but one I felt was possible. I know that placement in school isn't guaranteed but I think it's just not giving that chance to find out and I think if friends hadn't moved I would mind so much. Don't know how I'm gonna face them if they start rubbing my face in it if their kids go. I wish I could be more strong minded and not care about others

@Lavenderflower
Sorry to answer your question too...we can apply for a grammar but it is far-ish about 25 mins drive so if by any miracle we got in it won't be an easy commute!

Hey, yes a few issues, I guess for another thread - more to do with a feeling of being trapped and controlled since childhood due to circumstances when I was little and when something like this that I want as an adult doesn't happen and I am stopped, it's that feeling again of feeling trapped.

To be fair he has a point if you're always talking about it. From his point of view yes it would feel like I'm trying my best here and it isn't good enough and what can we even do about it now.

However you also have a point that you feel the decision wasn't handled well and that's never been addressed, at least not properly.

So what would you like to happen now?

You say you feel trapped. I get that too all parents have that to varying degrees. Some of the answer lies in changing your thought pattern.

Write down how you feel ie I feel trapped because... then turn it into an empowered statement ie I choose/chose. For example I chose stability for my family. Its positive because. I chose to compromise and the benefits are..

Also work out what freedom you can have. Personally I remind myself I have options like I can change career if I want to. Maybe in your case you'd consider what your goals exactly are ie a good education for your kids and what options there are ie private maths tuition if needed.

In terms of the extension waiting a year sounds OK as long as a year does become 3 years etc...

Hey op. If schools around you are outstanding, I think you have nothing to worry about. You are saving your young children from the stress of the 11+. Only about 5% of kids in England attend grammar schools and about 6ish % attend private so the vast vast majority don't go private or grammar and do just fine. No one outside of Britain cares about grammar schools. If your kids are happy and you like the area AND the secondary schools are outstanding, you have honestly struck gold. I'd be delighted in your shoes! Wish I knew where in zone 6 you are, I might move there! I also don't think you'd get much more for your money moving out.....nice areas that are commutable to London are expensive. You'd just have a big train fare to add to your outgoings.

Thank you. This has made me smile