Resenting husband for not moving

[mummyrolling2014]

When our DSs were very small (1+3) I really wanted to move out of London, get a three bedroom house and into one of the counties that has grammar schools. My husband didn't want to as at the time we were both working in London and he said travel would be too much if we moved out. I feel like I made a massive compromise as it was a big wish of mine to move outside of London. I agreed to get a smaller two bedroom house in London and also on the basis as we both worked in the centre it made more sense to stay. I can't complain about where we are as the state schools are very good and we live in a very nice area. However, our kids are now 9+11, I am now working from home, DH does work occasionally up town but certainly not all the time and the bigger the kids get the more I regret not putting my foot down. Friends of mine have moved to where I had originally wanted to move, in bigger houses, outside of London, (at the same price as our two bedroom) with grammar school catchment. I really feel this boiling inside me like I want to scream at my husband and tell him how I'm feeling but I know he will get angry. I'm really starting to resent him for this.

There are pro’s and cons wherever you live. The grammar school question, for example - how sure are you that your children would actually get in? Competition is fierce. If your DC are “settled where they are and have lots of friends in school”, then I wouldn’t entertain a move. If your kids are happy - and let’s face it, they haven’t ever lived anywhere else, so they have no reason not to be - then I’d count my blessings and make the most of living in London. Don’t resent your husband - you both agreed at the time - and just remember that the grass is not always greener. Sure, you might have more space outside London, but you’d also have higher travel costs, and as your DC get older, they will want to be in London more, not less.

Most people in this situation end up with a compromise move to a 3 bed still in London but a bit further out. Was that not an option, if the issue is house size/extra bedroom?

Otherwise, I think someone's always going to be less happy in these scenarios where one wants to leave London and the other doesn't, and the fairer option tends to be staying with the status quo - as at least you originally wanted to be in London while he never wanted to move out. You say yourself that you 'can't complain' and the schools are great, it's all worked out well, whereas if you'd moved out he might've hated it, your DC might not have got in the grammars, you might not even have liked it all that much. If you're seething with this much resentment over something you agreed to, then chances are you might be regretting the move out and kicking yourself for not keeping what might look (from that alt future perspective) to be your exciting London life. For every friend who's happy with the move, there's a thread on here about people who left and long to move back but are priced out of London and resenting that.

But you need to do something to deal with the resentment, it's not good to be wanting to scream at him and if that's the kind of rage that's simmering, then no wonder if blows up rather than ever becoming a rational discussion. Considering you've stuck with 'his' choice, and what's now the DC's home, is there any scope for a compromise move to a bigger place that's still in London? Or would that make both of you resentful? If so, then at least you can conclude it's not really about the 3rd bedroom/bigger house.

how are other areas of your life op? you job? social life? marriage?

because i suspect there’s other issues at play here

OP, congratulations on actually paying attention to the pro-London brigade. Too often AIBU posters only want to hear from people who agree with them.

But you do owe your husband something for all the complaining after visits to your country friends. Maybe put your hair in a high ponytail and be slutty for him?

Thank you all so much for your replies. I definitely want to hear both sides and this thread has been great to give me perspective. In just a day, all these comments have given me a reality slap (much needed). To answer some of those points; we just couldn't afford a three bedroom anywhere. We were in zone 3 originally with a flat and moved to zone 6 for a two bedroom house we have now. It's insane that adding an extra room could be an extra 50-100k in some instances. I realise I've been a bit selfish with the resentment thing and it's right to say he could have felt the same if it was the other way around. All the commute may have really got to him and one of the main reasons to stay was he said "I want to spend more time in the mornings and evenings with the children rather than on the road". I guess you never get that time back and he is a wonderful dad. Other issues...perhaps but that's another thread 🤣.

🤣 I'm sure he'd love that

Thank you so much as I checked out similar threads where people want to move back to London and was good to read. It doesn't help that on our local Facebook community page there are still people as members who moved out years ago. Whenever there is a crime highlighted on the page they always come out with "so glad I moved out of there years ago" I mean - how does that help??? Why are they still on it? Just to pick on the bad stuff and make themselves feel better because they moved? I need to start ignoring things like this and remember all these responses on this thread instead.

OP raise it again, it's all well and good people saying don't blame him for the original decision and I would say yes I completely agree with that, but at the same time the situation has completely changed now.

There are numerous benefits to moving out of London. COL for one. Speak to your kids see what their opinion is, make a list of pros and cons and also tell him that you want the option seriously reconsidered.

If he gets angry at you for wanting to revisit this then there is something really wrong with your relationship.

Ok generally, as I said I can't complain much. I think it's just a feeling of did I do the best for my kids with the school thing and house size issue. Plus the countryside friends thing doesn't help. I am very easily influenced by other people's opinions. My opinions always need to be validated by others which is my biggest problem.

@Mummy2024 thanks yes I will definately discuss it as there are valid reasons there primarily house size. I think I need to time it well and have a quiet moment with him as mentioning it in the car home from a friends probably doesn't help

Just to add, if it's still a no and your forced to accept. Consider a loft conversion, should be abit cheaper than a full on 3 storey conversion.

I'd just explain that it's a serious issue for you and you feel the kids are missing out and that if a move is still not an option then you need the house adapting.

For me I think the benefits of moving would be huge for you, a 2 bed house in London must be worth an absolute fortune, you would make a considerable profit from selling and it would be massively cheaper to buy outside it leaving you with possibly lower mortgage payments with a lower initial borrowing amount and increased equity in your new larger property.

COL is obviously less, so your quality of life will improve massively. You need to let him know all the benefits of moving. Persuade him so to speak.

Write down every benefits to doing it before you broach the subject.

If they have started high school I think it's going to be hard.
Can you get a cottage or something and do weekends?

Your not alone either OP my brothers wife feels exactly the same and my stubborn brother won't move lol 😆. Your not unreasonable for wanting a different pace of life.

Looking at the value of 2 bed houses in London of 2.5 million pounds I would think you could possibly end up mortgage free and a extremely decent size property 😆 with a considerable amount left. if that's not a reason to go I don't know what is. Presumably you've paid off a considerable about of your house given that your kids are now teens and they were practically babies when you moved in.

You can sell this dream OP very easily given the change in work circumstances.

Just to add though don't be angry with him, that decision to stay gave you approximately a 73% yield on the value of your house. If you were to move now, your future financial security and quality of life could improve considerably.

Good luck OP hope you find a way forward that makes everyone happy.

Basically, what you are saying is that you made a huge compromise for him. And he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it?

Or is it that he is worried you’re going to reopen the discussion and he really really doesn’t want to move out so prefers to ignore the elephant in the room?

There are some solutions to your situation but all start with acknowledging you took the decision to stay. That was your responsibility there (you could have decided that actually no, moving was too important for you and split up for example).
I think it’s also really important for your dh to acknowledge the weight of that decision. Seeing he is still not keen despite not needing to be in london, it tells me that he wants to stay there because ke loves it. Which is fair enough. But he needs to appreciate the effort you are doing by staying AND the effect it has on the dcs - like the bunk beds situation.

Id start there.

Just to say that we are in the process of selling a 3 bed house in London & it isn’t worth anywhere near 2 million pounds! It depends very much on the area of London you live in. The area in Kent we are moving to is way more expensive than our area of East London. We are having to pay an extra 80k to get an equivalent 3 bed house there.

I would love to live in London. An amazing city for kids to grow up in.

Maybe it's the ones in central London, worth that much. Some were up for 6 million lol

For me I think the benefits of moving would be huge for you, a 2 bed house in London must be worth an absolute fortune, you would make a considerable profit from selling and it would be massively cheaper to buy outside it leaving you with possibly lower mortgage payments with a lower initial borrowing amount and increased equity in your new larger property.

I think you're massively over-egging it, sorry. A two-bed house in zone 6 is not worth an 'absolute fortune' and any of these home countries places with grammars that OP is talking about wouldn't be 'massively cheaper' at all. You're on another planet if you're thinking in millions of pounds here. She's not talking about moving from Kensington to Wigan! The difference would merely be getting an extra bedroom, but gotta weigh that against the cost of moving, the upheaval for kids, the DH who actively does not want to move and OP who doesn't really know whether life in the country is going to suit her or whether she'll still be glass half empty and lingering on her London area's Facebook page looking for crime stats to make herself feel better.

OP, I think you're wise to get all perspectives and very likely right about those FB posters who have nothing better to do. It's very self-aware to know how easily influenced you can be, and therefore to note that what people say isn't always a fully accurate picture. No one is happy with their lot all the time, that's not human nature. But overall you sound happy with where you're living and it sounds more like the other issues alluded to could be worth your focus instead of thinking a change in location is a magic fix, when it could be worse.

@Mummy2024 has excellent advice. Write down both the pros and cons of moving and also what you can do instead if you don’t move. It might be a first-world problem, but your boys will definitely prefer to have their own rooms when they’re teenagers. Did your DH have his own room growing up? I’ll bet that he did!

The most important thing is to discuss this calmly, don’t mention your growing resentment and if he gets grumpy, emphasize that you simply need to talk this through, to ensure that staying in London is still the right decision for your family.

Yes unfortunately our house wouldn't be more than 600k (at an extreme push) and surrounding counties just outside the M25 are sometimes worth more if they are near good transport links. If they aren't near trains not you would rely on a car then yes it would probably be a similar amount. He still sees the train/tube as a major plus for us.

@BruFord yes thank you. sounds like a good start and sensible way to approach this. Both of us had our own rooms growing up. He has definately mentioned the space issue, but more lightheartedly which means I know he is thinking it. When they are small it's hard to think of these things, you deal with what's suitable in terms of work and childcare.

@Mummy2024 Yep, I have teenagers and it’s a whole different ball game. They like their personal space, I.e., their own bedroom floors to chuck their stuff on. 🤣