Something odd with partners parents and their other child’s family??

[Loftyideas1]

I’m just wondering about this and whether something is going on?

Ive been with partner around 4 years. My In laws have always favoured the other son and DIL. I’m not really bothered, sometimes it is a bit like wouldn’t it be nice if they bothered but hey ho. I’m pretty sure the other son has always been a golden child and it’s a dynamic I’ve walked into.

What I find weird is that the DIL is completely copying the MIL’s life. There is almost 30 years difference but they dress the same. The mum likes puzzles and crotchet so the DIL does. The mum has this family pet when younger so now the DIL has got one. The parents have a motor home so now they got one .It also works the other way round also, it’s really odd from the outside. They are almost mirroring each other. The son is also playing along with this and he and they adore the attention. My partner has always done things his own way. I’m also one for doing and liking my own things so we don’t have lots similar. I don’t feel I need to adopt others likes to be liked. Therefore we don’t get on as they only talk about these mutual things and don’t include us. They go on joint holidays in motor homes and never include us despite the fact we can tent it no problem. It’s like a club we aren’t part of.

What if anything is going on?

I don't think there's anything going on. I'm not convinced that the reason they do this is to mirror one another. It could just be that they are very similar people, so are drawn to the same things, and are drawn to each other - a kind of kindred spirit sort of thing.

You say you're happy doing your own thing, so why let it bother you how other people live?

Could be. We all have something to offer, why are we also not invited along to these “family holidays”. We’ve all got kids, it’s not on really to spend all the time with their other grandchildren. We’ve often said send us a msg when you next go as we’d love to come along. But nope we never invited.

That does not surprise me at all. If your man is the designated scapegoat in his family of origin then his whole family unit i.e you people become scapegoats as well. It is really not worth bothering with people like his parents and his favoured brother because they do not change.

I just get this really off feeling when in their company, like something is going on but can’t put finger on it.

It sounds rude and I don’t mean to be but this other brothers kids have so much. They are primary age and have I phones, I watches, thousands of pounds worth of toys. They are getting really over weight also because they don’t just make 1 cake, they make 3 or 4 and are allowed all of them. They are given everything. The mum wont let them play with other kids because they are all a bad influence on hers. It’s all odd.

“Therefore we don’t get on as they only talk about these mutual things and don’t include us.”

How do they get on with other people they don’t have mutual interests with?

“sounds rude and I don’t mean to be but this other brothers kids have so much. “

now this makes me think you’re feeling quite angry with the wrong people. Why start pulling the DIL apart? If you’re carrying this judgement of her she’s probably picking that up. I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with someone whose done a thorough assessment of me and found me lacking.

They don’t speak to anyone else in the family outside of themselves. There is always a reason why the other members are wrong somehow. Me and DP are friendly with everyone else. The bro and gf have no external friends, they are tight just them and his parents.

I don't know about odd but it sounds fucking boring and old fashioned. Do you really want to go along and play jolly 1950's motor homes wearing the same jumpers as the in laws? I doubt it very much, although I can understand your resentment.

As for "something going on", I don't know what to say. Maybe they all talk about you behind your backs? Maybe they don't approve of you and think your DH would be more like his brother without you?

The gf is extremely judgmental of other children. My eldest is being assessed for SEN and she has said this is down to bad parenting and not receiving enough love. She won’t let anyone play with her kids because she thinks everyone is a bad influence. This is the father’s voice and the FAL voice.

OP you say you’re not bothered but you clearly are (which is fine and normal, by the way!). When you ask ‘what’s going on’, what exactly do you mean? What do you suspect is going on?

They just sound old fashioned and tight knit. It sounds like son and DIL have the same values as MIL and FIL, and like being close to them. Maybe DIL didn’t have that close family unit growing up and really wants it now. You feel DIL judges your parenting but you judge hers too. You say they don’t invite you on holiday, but you also don’t sound like you would enjoy a holiday with them? have yourself and DH never organised a long weekend with MIL and FIL?

I think in the same way a son can be very close with his parents, another son cannot. Sometimes it’s just that way.

Sounds like they get on better and are more similar to eachother than you and your dh.

Is there eneshment going on?

In that case I’d be grateful they don’t want you in their little group. I wouldn’t want my kids exposed to that kind of attitudes!

You all sound judgemental of each other. You judge her parenting and overweight dc. She judges your parenting.

Just spend time doing your own thing

She judges everyone’s parenting. I’m just saying her children are incredibly spoilt, even by the grandparents. Whereas they don’t buy anything for our child. She won’t let them play together because she doesn’t want her children spoilt by bad behaviour. It’s all odd. They aren’t allowed friends.

Op, you’re just attacking her, the dil, your sil. What’s going on with you?are you envious of their relationship? You clearly dislike her and wanted to start a thread to slag her off and vent with a faux naivety

Every thread on here ends up banging on about SEN and weight. It's odd.

I don’t mean to attack her. She does her and I do me. We have different ideas. We should be able to get along without one side being in favour and the other side ignored. I was pissed when she said SEN was just bad parenting and that her children have been raised properly. They are no more perfect then any other child.

Be careful what you wish for. Enjoy your happy life without the parents you would struggle to get along with, on a holiday.

So the son is married to a woman who is exactly the same as his mother! That’s not icky at all!

And now my brain is going all sorts of places that I really don’t want it to go…..

It doesn’t sound like there’s anything going in exactly, they’re all just a complementary style of odd to each other. Birds of a feather flock together and all that

You also don’t sound like you particularly enjoy their company so leave them to it and don’t let yourself overthink it.

It sounds like they are similar people with similar interests so it’s not really surprising that they get on well and want to spent time with each other. That’s what friends do and, despite the relationship, that’s what they sound like they are. You don’t sound the same so it’s understandable that they don’t seek you out for friendship or get on so well with you.

I know a family like this - sister’s husband’s family, so her SIL, is exactly the way you describe in your OP. Copies everything her MIL does, always at hers, always arranging holidays together etc. For her there’s a pretty simple reason - she has no relationship with her own parents as her mother left when she was a toddler and her dad died when she was in her teens. She’s desperate for the attachment. At first it felt really odd, and a bit creepy tbh, but as we learned why she’s that way, it made it much easier to understand. She can also sometimes be quite derogatory about my sister’s children, but we think that comes from a place of insecurity - she feels the need to put them down so as to secure her own children’s places in her in laws’ affections. Luckily in that family, while they do love and accept her, they haven’t cut out my sister’s family and do try to be as equal as they can.

Not sure why you'd want to holiday with them or spend more time with them to be honest, if she said that about your child? They sound odd and you don't sound like you like them very much!