Something odd with partners parents and their other child’s family??

[Loftyideas1]

I’m just wondering about this and whether something is going on?

Ive been with partner around 4 years. My In laws have always favoured the other son and DIL. I’m not really bothered, sometimes it is a bit like wouldn’t it be nice if they bothered but hey ho. I’m pretty sure the other son has always been a golden child and it’s a dynamic I’ve walked into.

What I find weird is that the DIL is completely copying the MIL’s life. There is almost 30 years difference but they dress the same. The mum likes puzzles and crotchet so the DIL does. The mum has this family pet when younger so now the DIL has got one. The parents have a motor home so now they got one .It also works the other way round also, it’s really odd from the outside. They are almost mirroring each other. The son is also playing along with this and he and they adore the attention. My partner has always done things his own way. I’m also one for doing and liking my own things so we don’t have lots similar. I don’t feel I need to adopt others likes to be liked. Therefore we don’t get on as they only talk about these mutual things and don’t include us. They go on joint holidays in motor homes and never include us despite the fact we can tent it no problem. It’s like a club we aren’t part of.

What if anything is going on?

I’d like them to make an effort with their grandchild really. It’s not on going away with the others and not ours. I don’t care if they like or dislike me, this isn’t really on. I mean you should see what they buy them for birthdays etc. Out child got a ball and they are spoilt rotten. I don’t like what’s going on, you treat people equal in my eyes. I don’t need to copy her to be liked or take up her hobby. We find the strengths in each person, its family not friends.

Simple, your sil is a psychopath @Loftyideas1

Does all sound a bit odd, and unfair on your DC.

With the DIL not allowing her kids to have friends, and her and her DH not having friends, it sounds like they've decided everyone else outside themselves and MIL and FIL are baddies. I wonder who started it though? It seems odd that the parents would collude in this world view, and odd that they're rejecting their other son and grandchildren.

Have you tried inviting the MIL and FIL out somewhere or over to yours? Am wondering if you can work on building the relationship that way, by inviting them to things (without DIL & family), rather than waiting for invites to holidays?

I don’t know I give up with them. The other day the other DIL told me something nasty the MIL had said about me. The MIL denied saying it when asked. Simply saying oh no I’d never say that then went on talking about something else. No sorry or wonders why the DIL said it. I don’t know who to believe so can’t be bothered with either. To me it feels like they are them and no one else is allowed into the pack! Wouldn’t want to either as not interested in all that, I’m not into mind games.

Step away and leave them to it.
Protect your child too from bring the scapegoat grandchild.

Forcing relationships never works IMO.
Accept it and focus on other relationships in your life.

Yes I feel like we are an inconvenience. Like I’ve ruined the status quo. Now with our child they have a dilemma to hate me but not look obvious. The mum will make nice comments on social media but make zero effort in RL. She doesn’t come to visit despite being so close. Her behaviour is showing her real intentions, I’m not part of it. I’m done with it all. His grandparents however are lovely and his aunties and cousins.

Honestly it really sounds like you're best distancing from them. They sound a bit toxic, especially given the disparity in how they treat the GC, that won't go unnoticed for long by your DC. Must be hurtful for your DH though. I'd concentrate on spending time with the other family members you do get along with. I mean I'd go no contact for the comments about your child alone but I am not one for suffering fools gladly. If your DH doesn't want to cut them off then low contact would be the best way forward, you can't change people.

So cultivate all of these other positive relationships.
Don't visit them.
Visit his other family.
You can do this.
Save your energy for those that add positivity to your life.

If I were you I'd be glad to be left out if it. They sounds like not very nice people, who are unkind to you (and I'm saying they on purpose - you seem to blame your SIL more than anyone, whereas it sounds like it's the family dynamic which won't have been created by her).

I wouldn't want to be that close with ILs that I don't have any friends / only go on holiday with them / dress the same and have the same hobbies. I wouldn't want to be like that with anyone else, let alone ILs.

I'd appreciate your freedom and not wish these people on to yourself or your children. They will have perfectly happy lives away from such damaging people.

What is going on? They like each other and have lots in common. That is what is going on. Why are you bothered?

This. It’s hardly surprising either of them don’t like you, surely, if you’re this negative, judgemental and envious? I couldn’t get excited about not being liked by ILs. They didn’t choose me, we’re like colleagues. It’s nice if we get on, but not a requirement beyond basic civility.

Op, honestly you come across as really envious and resentful , bordering on obsessed with them, you keep saying you’re done with them, you’re clearly not. You’re so envious of their relationship and the materialistic side, it’s really must be causing you to be miserable.

It sounds like the brother is the golden child and he has likely chosen a partner that reminds him of his mum and allows him to recreate a similar family dynamic to the one he gets a lot of positive reinforcement from. It’s a self perpetuating pattern that’s rewarded within the family. It makes sense. It’s likely not even something they are aware they’re doing. I’d just be grateful that you and your Dh are your own people and don’t need to do this to fill your cup.

Thanks for those that seem to get what I’m trying to say. I’m only human, of course I’d like a relationship with my in-laws, but not at the expense of who I am. It must be nice to all get along and go away together but we aren’t similar. I’m not miserable at all but like I said I’m only human and at times it does get to me a bit. Especially when it’s about children.

Not into material things. I’ve ploughed on my money into my house which is almost paid off. It must be hard being a golden child. They have a massive house all mortgage so he has to work almost 7 days a week, cars on finance. It does seem it comes at a big cost. I’m happy with what I have just would be nice to be included for the people we are.

You seem very preoccupied with them and determined to insinuate that something is going on, and it is probably something sinister and unhealthy.

They like what they like, you don't share their interests, you clearly think they are weirdos...can you see why they might get on better with each other than with you?

They sound awful, OP. I’d leave them to it, tbh, you get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. You can’t change them.

You've got the best of the bunch with your DH!

@TheYearOfSmallThings its an advice forum, I asked advice. But thanks.

My in-laws aren’t awful, but they do favor two of their four children, DH and his older sister are the non-golden ones, we all laugh about it sometimes. Mind you, they don’t make nasty comments, they just bend over backwards for two adult children and let the rest of us get on with it!

But were you really looking for advice? Because you certainly aren't taking any advice from the many people who have said "they get on better because they like the same things - that is not unusual".

Instead you keep saying things like:

I just get this really off feeling when in their company, like something is going on but can’t put finger on it.

Which is clearly inviting people who have never met any of you to make up unpleasant stuff about your in-laws.

@TheYearOfSmallThings what’s getting on better got to do with never visiting their son or grandchild. Spoiling them and nothing for our child? Not saying hello and shutting down our input into conversations?

We have lots in common, their son, gardening, camping but still they don’t want to know us?

As I said upthread, you can’t change them @Loftyideas1. Don’t even try, because it’ll make you miserable.

Is your family interested in your children? If so, focus on them instead.

What exactly do you think is going on?

Because it seems you are implying some pretty horrific stuff and the basis that they get on.

There is nothing going on, @Loftyideas1. They are similar, they share interests and attitudes, and are very close knit. They do not share these things with you or your husband, and don’t have a close relationship to your child.

It’s a shame your child doesn’t have a closer relationship with extended family, but if they are the sort of people to ascribe SEN to parenting styles, the wee kid is best off away from them.

It’s not a mystery. There’s nothing ‘off’ or weird about it. The parents and son/DIL are just cut from the same cloth and you aren’t. And you don’t want to be.

Shrug it off.

Also, the ‘other’ DIL who passed on that nasty comment supposedly from your MIL is shit-stirring.