Something odd with partners parents and their other child’s family??

[Loftyideas1]

I’m just wondering about this and whether something is going on?

Ive been with partner around 4 years. My In laws have always favoured the other son and DIL. I’m not really bothered, sometimes it is a bit like wouldn’t it be nice if they bothered but hey ho. I’m pretty sure the other son has always been a golden child and it’s a dynamic I’ve walked into.

What I find weird is that the DIL is completely copying the MIL’s life. There is almost 30 years difference but they dress the same. The mum likes puzzles and crotchet so the DIL does. The mum has this family pet when younger so now the DIL has got one. The parents have a motor home so now they got one .It also works the other way round also, it’s really odd from the outside. They are almost mirroring each other. The son is also playing along with this and he and they adore the attention. My partner has always done things his own way. I’m also one for doing and liking my own things so we don’t have lots similar. I don’t feel I need to adopt others likes to be liked. Therefore we don’t get on as they only talk about these mutual things and don’t include us. They go on joint holidays in motor homes and never include us despite the fact we can tent it no problem. It’s like a club we aren’t part of.

What if anything is going on?

She gets on with the MIL and fIL by copying and aligning with her. It’s weird to be buying the same family pet as the mum and buying the same clothes and taking up the same hobbies and having the same opinions. Surely she has her own personality. I don’t know families like this. My own family we are all different but we are family so we are all equal. When they talk they don’t say I they say we. As in we don’t like that food and we don’t like those people, surely they don’t like and dislike the same food coincidentally. In all honesty it feels like she is people pleasing. When I mention my own likes or opinions they are completely shut down. It’s not normal.

Sorry OP but I don’t understand your question. Why do you ask ‘what is going on?’ You have explained already in great detail what is going on, so you know the answer to your question. They are very close to one another, that’s it really.

You obviously dislike the way they live their life, but that’s fine because presumably you are happy with your own life. And, thankfully they are not expecting you to join in with theirs. I don’t understand the problem or the question.

That does answer why you think something ‘odd’ is going.

you talk about ‘I don’t know any families who’ and how things work in your own family. That’s great. But it’s a few families and your own. A small sample size.

You seem to want to imply something pretty awful, but won’t say exactly what it is.

They all get on and are very similar and enjoy very similar things. You have said you aren’t like them and want to do your own thing as does your husband.

Having camping in common means nothing really. If you want to join them, tell them and a motor home of your own.

It’s crap if you feel your kids are being left out. But it entirely possible they don’t include you and your dh as they can feel your judgement coming from you.

It’s not me, I’ve been nothing but nice. Including them all to dinners and birthdays etc. They sit looking pisser off. If they don’t like me then really they need to stop being idiots and ignoring their own son and grandchild. It is not just me. The mum has issues with other family members. They talk about all of them in a derogatory manner.

You’re going round in circles OP. Move on or talk with your DH about how you can strengthen your kids relationship with their grandparents.

What's going on is that they know you don't like them.

Well that probably says more about you than other people tbh. Stands to reason that if a child grows up to enjoy his parents interests and share their values, he will likely end up with a partner from a similar mould. Would you think it 'icky' if both mother and wife worked in caring professions, enjoyed city breaks and park run and voted Labour? Or would you just think I can see why someone like John married Sally?

You think the whole situation is weird and are really judgmental and hinting at something quite horrific going on and you think they can’t pick up on that?

Really?

and again, why aren’t you saying exactly what you think the odd thing that’s going on is?

I said up thread it felt like golden child and it was mentioned that it could be golden child and scapegoat @ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo.

In which case why are you wanting more involvement with them.

The whole golden child/ scapegoat dynamic is very real.

But I think it’s often misused. They are the sort of people you don’t like. You don’t like them and seemingly are implying something awful is going on.

The fact that your dislike them so much, your husband isn’t like them (which isn’t a bad thing) and probably quite judgemental of them will be playing into the dynamic as well.

OP Have you posted about this before? If so nothings changed.lf not another poster is in pretty much exactly the same position as you.
I think you'd be best to keep low contact with Mil and Sil and instead concentrate on your side of the family and other family members on your husbands side that you do get on with.
You've tried with his family but it's obvious it's not working where Mil and Sil are concerned. They are in their own little club and are very aligned in their ways. Also if there's a golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on you will be fighting an uphill battle.
It's a shame about your children but it sound like they have lots of other relatives to spend time with so they will still have plenty of family interaction.

This thread is baffling me. I guess it shows just how little most people understand about family systems and how difficult it therefore is for someone to explain how hurtful it is to people on the outside.

You've walked straight into a classic narcissistic family system. Your BIL is a golden or gilded child and his family is deeply enmeshed with the MIL. Your partner and ergo you and your child are the scapegoats. It's nothing to do with who anyone actually is but the roles you occupy. All good is projected onto BIL family and all bad onto your partner's. It's covert and very subtle so, as you've discovered here, trying to explain it to anyone ends up with you seeming to be the one with the problem.

You're not the problem.

I highly recommend looking into the work/social media of Katie McKenna and Helen Villiers, and InSight Exposing Narcissism podcast. It will explain what's going on and you'll get the understanding you're looking for.

The thread is baffling people, not because they don’t understand complex family dynamics, but because the OP is basically saying ‘These people are awful and invariably behave badly towards me while favouring other family members, but nonetheless I want far more involvement with them’.

She needs to acknowledge that she has the ILs she has. She doesn’t like them, they don’t like her, and her fantasy of inclusion ‘in the pack’ is just that, a fantasy which is eating away at her peace of mind, but which, in order to happen, would require a time machine and everyone involved having a personality transplant.

Because I’m so confused. I didn’t dislike them. I tried really hard in the beginning to be included. I went out of my way. I even tried taking up some of the joint hobbies in a bid to have something to talk about and start off a relationship. I did not get the response back like the DIL. I tried some crochet and included it in the group chat to start a convo and a laugh at just how bad my attempt was. I got nothing. She farts and she is congratulated. Honestly it’s sounds ridiculous and it really does feel it. I’ve tried above and beyond but I can’t morph myself into someone else. As people have said they just don’t like me, they never have even before knowing me. The advice to stay away is the best idea.