Son is struggling to adapt to new relationship

[MammaMia05]

I’ve been by myself for about 4 years I’ve met someone new and have recently introduced them to my son. (We’ve been together 8 months and I felt it was the time for them to meet)
at first it was ok, but recently my son who is 4 is acting up. I know he’s struggling with the big change in our house. All his life it’s just been me and him and now there’s a new face who visits us once/twice a week whilst he’s here. In addition to this his dad has also met someone new and he has been introduced to her too. So it’s all big changes.

my son has started ignoring my new partner when he’s trying to talk to him, saying things like new partner is fat and growling at him when he does respond. I’m not being too harsh on him because I know he will be feeling conflicted. I know he does like new partner, they play nice together and new partner is a very rough and tumble type of guy so will pick him up and spin him round whilst my son is shrieking in enjoyment. They only ever spend time together whilst I am present I just thought I would add.

has anyone got any advice on how I can help the transition be a little easier for him? I tell him I love him all the time and in front of new partner , when we are sat on the sofa watching movies I sit next to my son and ask him if he wants to cuddle up as I don’t want him to feel like he’s been pushed out. Usually he will say no but sometimes he will say yes and me and him will cuddle up. I work 4 days a week so one day is what we call our day, and we go out just me and my son and do a fun activity and spend some quality time together.

i asked him a few times if he likes new partner and what he thinks to him coming round and I get a mixed response but I don’t wanna keep asking him and making it into a bigger deal than what it needs to be.

im new to this with a child in the mix and am trying my best so any advice would be appreciated!

Honesty 4 year olds can be tricky anyway so don’t overthink it. Boundaries are importantly though so kindness should be a minimum and rudeness not tolerated. Don’t give him too much power but be kind and help him find his words to explain feelings eg if he is growling or calling names try asking “Johnny it seems like you’re not being very kind, can you tell me how you’re feeling right now instead of growling? If you’re feeling cross maybe you can go hit that beanbag or do some zooming around in the garden. But no growling at people, that’s rude.” Help him to voice concerns or emotions if you can and don’t overreact to things.
You are allowed a life though, so ignore all the people trying to suggest you live as a nun for the next 14 years…

@nopestillnotmanagedto

yeah I have stopped as I said I don’t want to make it into a bigger deal than what it needs to be. Thanks for your replies.

N one is suggesting you ‘live like a nun’ until your four year old leaves home, but eight months is way too soon to introduce a new boyfriend to your child, and once or twice a week when your child is at home is too much, as is asking whether he likes him — especially if his father is doing the same thing when he’s with him.

Just see your boyfriend when your son is with his father. He’s shown you he’s feeling disrupted.

I asked him because I wanted to know his feelings - to be honest I thought that was the sensible thing to do!

He's 4 years old. You're rushing things - slow the heck down and put his emotional wellbeing first. Poor little might is struggling with big feelings.

8 months is far too early imo. You can have a relationship, of course, but honestly what's the rush to include this man in your sons life?

But he’s made it very plain what his feelings are, and you’re not acting on that.

I’d cut back the home visits whilst he is in for a while. Your home is your little boys safe space and he may feel unsettled there is an another person vying for his beloved mums attention.

Let your little boy know that your boyfriend is still around - FaceTime him so your little one can say hello and go for trips to the park, play area - but for now I’d stop him coming to the house whilst he is in.

My ex got with someone pretty quick and although she is lovely my girls absolutely feel the change in dynamics so when they come back they are always a bit naughty until they settle again.

You absolutely do have the right to move on and possibly move in together but I’d give it another few months - possibly even round it off to 12 months till you know the relationship is solid, your little boy has built up a relationship with him away from his home and he doesn’t see him as as competition or a threat.

Because what you don’t want is for the relationship to end and you’ve stressed your little boy out trying to get him to accept this new man.

I’ve waited 4 years - half because I didn’t want to even talk to men and partly because it was too much change for my girls. I’ve recently started dating someone. They know I’m talking to some on the phone and it’s a man. My youngest isn’t fazed as she says ‘dad has a girl friend too’ ( he actually lives with her) but my 11 year old says I’m not allowed to date as I’m hers apparently 👀

He won’t be coming to the house whilst the girls are here for at least a year because I want to make sure it’s a solid relationship but I’ll do plenty of ground work preparing them and letting them know he is there in the back ground with some very minimal contact

I think mums get a bit of a tougher ride off their kids when they start dating 🙈

8 months? This is so unnecessary. Why do people put their kids through this stress. Date if you want just leave your kid out of it.

Cut it to once a week and keep lots of reassuring language about DS importance and place in your life.

it’s probably just a lot of new people on his personal space all at once. Having visitors twice a week at mums and who knows how much at dads as well might just be overwhelming him.

I introduced a new partner after 5 months as I felt I needed to see how my dd felt about him and how he felt about her. He was someone I'd known a few years through a friend.

We did it very gradually so first meet up was an outing then a few weeks later he came for tea. He saw her every couple weeks for a few months mostly on outings. Then he started stopping over a night a week and gradually we built up. We moved in together after two years.

Could it be you have moved too fast? How many times has he met him? I'd have a break for a couple weeks but still mention him then maybe do an activity together and just keep things slow for now.

8 months is fine to introduce someone but not at the house. Meet on neutral territory for a while, then go to his house where you can leave after short periods and build it up to longer slowly.

@nopestillnotmanagedto she was 6 at the time.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP.
Personally I don't think 8months is unreasonable and the fact that you're asking for opinions about this suggests you have some misgivings.
It sounds like your DS has some conflicting feelings about your partner which is understandable.
Maybe dial back on him coming to the house for a while and see how their relationship develops in more neutral locations.
I think it's ok to ask your DS how he's feeling but maybe avoid doing it in a way where he might feel you're looking for a certain response

This.

It’s fine for them to meet on neutral terms, the same way you wouldn’t hesitate to invite a platonic friend along on a day out etc. It’s the invasion of their home space that’s wrong at this stage. Too much etc.

I introduced dd aged 5 to dh when we’d been seeing each other around 8 months ish because imo if they didn’t get on it wasn’t going to work for any of us but we went to the cinema, to the park etc etc. Days out really. And they got along great so it went from there. Been married 15 years now, dd is 21 and sees him as Dad now (her own Dad isn’t involved) and she now has a brother too - dh and I have a ds aged 12.

Mumsnet can be really anti blended / step families. Yes some people rush things too quickly but equally they can and do work out and it’s fine as long as you’re sensitive to your dcs feelings.

I did ask for the advice so I thought I might of gotten a few comments giving me a hard time but I needed advice none the less lol!

I feel comfortable introducing at 8 months. Some may agree and some may not. But that’s not to say my son would not be reacting the same way if I did wait till 12 months or more, I genuinely needed advice. I don’t feel I am ignoring my sons feelings at all, if I were I wouldn’t be posting on here asking for advice and would be carrying on as I am doing with no regard as to how my son is feeling.

thanks to all those who have been kind with their responses. As I said in my OP, I’m new to this with a child in the mix and the last thing I ever want is my son to feel pushed out.

I don’t think anyone is ‘anti’ blended families on this thread. I do think the OP’s young child has shown her very clearly that he’s not happy with the frequency of visits from her boyfriend, both in his words and behaviour, but she’s choosing not to act on them by seeing her boyfriend out of the house or seeing him when her son is at his father’s house. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see why a four year whose parents have both introduced him to new partners around the same time is confusing and conflicting, especially if they’re happening in his two homes.

There is some really good info online about introducing new partners to children

She is acting on it. That's why she's here. But it's not really going to achieve much if his dad doesn't do the same.