Son is struggling to adapt to new relationship

[MammaMia05]

I’ve been by myself for about 4 years I’ve met someone new and have recently introduced them to my son. (We’ve been together 8 months and I felt it was the time for them to meet)
at first it was ok, but recently my son who is 4 is acting up. I know he’s struggling with the big change in our house. All his life it’s just been me and him and now there’s a new face who visits us once/twice a week whilst he’s here. In addition to this his dad has also met someone new and he has been introduced to her too. So it’s all big changes.

my son has started ignoring my new partner when he’s trying to talk to him, saying things like new partner is fat and growling at him when he does respond. I’m not being too harsh on him because I know he will be feeling conflicted. I know he does like new partner, they play nice together and new partner is a very rough and tumble type of guy so will pick him up and spin him round whilst my son is shrieking in enjoyment. They only ever spend time together whilst I am present I just thought I would add.

has anyone got any advice on how I can help the transition be a little easier for him? I tell him I love him all the time and in front of new partner , when we are sat on the sofa watching movies I sit next to my son and ask him if he wants to cuddle up as I don’t want him to feel like he’s been pushed out. Usually he will say no but sometimes he will say yes and me and him will cuddle up. I work 4 days a week so one day is what we call our day, and we go out just me and my son and do a fun activity and spend some quality time together.

i asked him a few times if he likes new partner and what he thinks to him coming round and I get a mixed response but I don’t wanna keep asking him and making it into a bigger deal than what it needs to be.

im new to this with a child in the mix and am trying my best so any advice would be appreciated!

Wind it back a little bit and meet your partner outside the house. Fun days out, park, lunch etc. Stop asking what he thinks. Don't let him be unkind to someone just becuase they're your boyfriend. You wouldn't let him call a stranger fat, or ignore your friend. You're teaching him that he can treat this person in his life worse than other people.

If his answer is that he doesn't like him, then what? Would it make any difference? Chances are a 4yo isn't going like a strange man suddenly being in their house with their mum and playing a part in their lives. You liking the guy is no reason for your DS to, but he might get used to him as time goes by if all's well. No point keeping asking him though unless it means that you'll do something about it if he doesn't like him.

Put your child first. He's clearly telling you he's unhappy and why are you surprised. He's FOUR. There was no need for you to have introduced them so early. Boils my piss when parents put their own emotional needs before the their child in these situations.

Don't ask you 4 Yr old if he likes this boyfriend, he will ignore you or try to give you the answer YOU want.
You need to look at his behaviour, behaviour is his communication at this age and it sounds like he isn't too sure about it all.
I would stop the visits at your sons home, it should be his safe space and currently your BF being there isn't communicating that to him.
You think 8 months is a decent enough time but I wouldn't agree, take a step back, your son isn't happy right now.

Op

you have done everything you could in order to ensure that your sons best interests are at the middle of your new situation

don’t be hard on yourself or overthink it - for now still keep the bf visits to a few times a week.

yiur son will get used to the new scenario eventually

I feel sorry for your son. Really. It's parenting like this that results in insecure children who grow into adults that look back at their childhood as a confusing and unsettling time.

I'm not sure what you're expecting of him. Both his parents are now with other adults and he probably feels like he's in danger of being ignored or replaced, no matter how much attention or reassurance you give him. Other than having another interesting adult to play with occasionally, there is nothing in your relationship for him. He already has a father, so that role has already filled. Some children will be blunt and say if they don't like someone, but others might be confused, not know how to articulate what they're feeling, or might feel obligated to keep quiet.

8 months was far too early to introduce him, especially at the regularity you're doing now. It speaks of impatience and a lack of understanding about children;s needs. You're still getting to know each other and you might be split up in another 6 months....and what then? Another man comes into his life after that, who might then also disappear one day?

I feel like what you're looking for on here is a way to manage (away) your son's feelings. What I recommend you do is really reduce your boyfriend's visits right down to once a month and then maybe scale it back up if you see your son is ok with it.

I’d stop taking him around your son, who is clearly not ready for this amount of upheaval in his life. Put him first.

8 months is fine! It’s nuts to have a relationship for several years before introducing because what if the kids and the DP don’t get on? After 8 months you known whether it’s a serious relationship. In MN world though the worst thing you can do to a kid is introduce them to your new partner. Only if you’re a woman though - it doesn’t seem to matter much for men to do it.

I introduced my children to my DP when we'd been together 6 months, in a neutral location. My DS was also 4, so I think after 8 months is fine.

He saw them very occasionally after that but we only saw each other when the kids were with their dad. We'd been together over 3 years when he started spending 1 night a week at mine while they were there.

It's been over 7 years now and I still have no intention of us living together, and a great deal of that is because their home is their safe space. They do not need another non related adult in it.

OP, carry on seeing him, let your son know new BF is still in the picture, maybe a day out in the holidays, but he needs to stop being in your home when your son is there. His behaviour tells you more than his words can. Someone else lives with his dad now, your home has to be his safe place where he doesn't have to share you, or feel like he has to behave a certain way.

I think it's reasonable to keep up once a week. I'm guessing your DS spends some time in the week at his DF's when you see your BF. In that case, how many times do you see each other in a week generally?
I'd of had trouble with seeing someone more than twice a week between DC and work, any more than that is moving things on quite quickly and I'm not sure how work and home stuff, plus friends and family, all get fitted in otherwise. It's important to keep up with other things apart from your relationship. More than twice a week is a lot for a single parent to spend time doing.

For me and new partner only we spend every other weekend together, this is when my son is with his dad. New partner is usually there on a Sunday when my son comes home.

in addition to this we will also see each other mid week when again my son is with his dad.

new partner came round yesterday as we were not seeing each other this Wednesday as me and my son have plans to go to the circus this evening. Including this coming Sunday would make the twice a week, but it’s not a regular pattern.

some of these comments have really upset me. I already feel mum guilt for putting myself first in some aspects. I’m honestly trying my best and of course would never want my son to feel like I don’t love him or that he was being replaced or for him to potentially grow up feeling insecure and unsettled in his childhood. Of course I love him and he is at the forefront of all my decision making in my life. i wouldn’t be posting here if i was intending on ignoring his feelings. I can’t believe people would think i am putting my own emotional wellbeing above his. If I were I wouldn’t be posting here. I’ve spoken to his dad, the nursery, my new partner about this and then posted here for more advice on how best to approach this but everyone will have different opinions

Maybe don’t have him there on the Sunday when your DS comes back, just so he has a chance to settle when coming back from dads. But you’re not doing anything wrong and the time limit for introductions is more so that the adult knows it’s a solid relationship- the kid’s not going to care if you’ve been going out 3 months or 9 months when they meet them. It’s just that if it’s 3 months there’s a greater chance the relationship will break down.

OP stop beating yourself up. MN is peculiar in these circumstances. They honestly expect that you cannot have a relationship because your 4 yr old 'is telling you he is uncomfortable' . I don't know about your child but mine at that age would say they didn't like me/dad/granny the dog etc and that would change like the weather !

I also fail to see how leaving it longer would improve things. I always understood the most important thing was to establish if the relationship had real potential and introduce from the 6month mark if all was ok. To me the MOST important part was to be able to gauge how my partner behaved towards my children - and that won't happen if you don't spend time together in a normal home situation.

Days out and park visits are not normal day to day life at home - and that is where the hard grind of parenting happens and will give you a good insight into how this will or won't work.

I would say carry on as you are. Make sure you still have dedicated one to one days with DS but do not sacrifice a potential life partnership on the actions of a 4 yr old who will tell you he hates peas in one sentence and demands them the next day !

I say this as someone who has 3 children of my own and 5 of DHs . Married over 23 years. All kids now adults and youngest 2 were both 4 when we met... and (standby MN .. because horror of horrors ... ) we introduced them ALL after 3 months ! . As yes before anyone asks, we are all on great terms and see them all at least every month.

I don't think you should be made to feel mum guilt or be upset. However, with a very young dc, I personally don't think it's necessary to introduce a partner to him. Just see him when your dc is at his dad's. It isn't to do with how long you've been with new dp. 8 months is fine. I just think I'd wait till ds is a bit older

Biologically it's normal for your son to be anxious about a new man in your life, there are alot of step fathers out there who see their stepchildren as competition or even hurt them, he just needs to realise that he isn't a threat which will happen in time, but if I was you I would stick to meeting outside of the house so your son has his safe space until more comfortable.

you’re asking him how he’s feeling
he is showing you how he is feeling op
and you are ignoring him

This. He IS telling you in the only way he knows how.

I’d make sure your boyfriend is not there when he returns from his dad’s to yours. He is probably coming back, wanting to be with you, settle back in, and he has a guy hanging around interfering with that, not great.

Yeah, also even if he’s not overjoyed right now, he can and will get used to it in time. If your DP is a kind and patient person he will no doubt have a great relationship with him as he grows up. In MN world though, there is nothing to be gained from stepparents, kids don’t need them and they are just potential abusers. You will also be told that you’re involving your son in your sex life and other such delights. I would just ignore it.

It’s like you are trying to force your relationship on your son. You are lucky he is 4 and prob goes to bed by 7pm I’m guessing. Why can’t your boyfriend visit when your son is tucked up in bed.
I am a single parent too to much older children and I had to respect their boundaries at home which meant only introducing dp just before the 3 year mark together. Still doing things very gradually and spend massive chunks with dp when my kids are with their dad.

The only thing I'd change OP is having your partner there when your DS returns from his dad's. He will be feeling unsettled from having been there and with his dad having a girlfriend, so keep his homecoming to just you and him.

Im a little confused over why they couldn’t meet him until three years in. Was it because you weren’t sure of the relationship before then? I certainly understand people not moving in together because of the kids but to not meet them at all for years seems odd. What sort of message are you sending about your relationship by doing that?

New partner is usually there on a Sunday when my son comes home.

I think this is part of the issue.

Hes been away from you, misses you, is unsettled by changes at his Dads and now he’s got to share you when he comes back.

Not to mention it highlighting to him that your boyfriend is there when he’s away - which will emphasise any unsettling feelings he’s having.

How is that different? New partner comes once maybe twice a week whilst my son is here.

For me and new partner only, we have every other weekend together. Whilst my son is at his dad’s.

@Feelsodrained my dp met my parents and family and vice Versa within 6 months of dating so no doubts there! I wanted to take it slow with my kids which is my own personal choice due to my older child’s needs, which I am not going to discuss here. it’s worked out well, everyone is happy and he will move in next year. When children are older it sometimes takes more time to adapt. Also it was great to spend that time with dp alone and now it’s more kids outings and holidays all together. So not odd at all really. I like my children to have a stable family life and this was my path.