Son is struggling to adapt to new relationship

[MammaMia05]

I’ve been by myself for about 4 years I’ve met someone new and have recently introduced them to my son. (We’ve been together 8 months and I felt it was the time for them to meet)
at first it was ok, but recently my son who is 4 is acting up. I know he’s struggling with the big change in our house. All his life it’s just been me and him and now there’s a new face who visits us once/twice a week whilst he’s here. In addition to this his dad has also met someone new and he has been introduced to her too. So it’s all big changes.

my son has started ignoring my new partner when he’s trying to talk to him, saying things like new partner is fat and growling at him when he does respond. I’m not being too harsh on him because I know he will be feeling conflicted. I know he does like new partner, they play nice together and new partner is a very rough and tumble type of guy so will pick him up and spin him round whilst my son is shrieking in enjoyment. They only ever spend time together whilst I am present I just thought I would add.

has anyone got any advice on how I can help the transition be a little easier for him? I tell him I love him all the time and in front of new partner , when we are sat on the sofa watching movies I sit next to my son and ask him if he wants to cuddle up as I don’t want him to feel like he’s been pushed out. Usually he will say no but sometimes he will say yes and me and him will cuddle up. I work 4 days a week so one day is what we call our day, and we go out just me and my son and do a fun activity and spend some quality time together.

i asked him a few times if he likes new partner and what he thinks to him coming round and I get a mixed response but I don’t wanna keep asking him and making it into a bigger deal than what it needs to be.

im new to this with a child in the mix and am trying my best so any advice would be appreciated!

Not in those exact words though 😂🤦🏽‍♀️ according to some posters im ignoring/ chosing not to act on my son’s feelings and putting my own emotional wellbeing above that of my sons

Of course I’m going to find comments like that upsetting.

Yeah OP you should definitely leave it much much longer until he has absolutely got the idea that you are his all his and nothing but his . because that's sure to make it better.

My view on this is if he is a good man then he will get used to it. If he isn't then NEITHER of you should have him in your life... but then again I had a fabulous dad for a short time and then an amazing awesome step father, so am not clouded by the MN negativity that all potential partners are child abusing bastards until proved otherwise .

I think y out sound like a very considerate mother and a lot of these replies are overly harsh. Personally, I'd ask your new man if he minds coming over on days where your son isn't at home and if once a month he fancies meeting you and your son to do a fun activity - outside the house. Cinema, soft play, park, Nando's - whatever. Make the most out of the summer and reevaluate how things are in the autumn / winter period. I'm sure it will be fine. Also speak to you ex about what his behaviour your is like with his gf... is it the same?

It's really difficult because of course you just want a life! I do feel that your son is going to only act ok with this because he will feel he has to at some point. He's clearly struggling.

Can you just wind back the home visits? Maybe when he does interact with your son it's outside the home for a while doing fun things - so he associates him with fun things.

I'm slightly bias on this. I had boyfriends introduced and forced upon me and my home and it was just hideous. I was encouraged to be ok with it as I knew that despite my protests, my mum wasn't going to put my needs first. Kids work on instincts so he's having strong reactions because this is a humungous and uncomfortable threat to him. You can't talk him out of that. All you will do is teach him to comply.

Just slow it down and keep it out the home for the time being and let the relationship build slowly between them

Yes this

I’ve spoken with dad who said all is fine when he’s with him and his new partner. He said our son actually sulks when he says they aren’t going over to the new partners house that evening lol but she has a child around my sons age and 2 older boys so I can understand he will be excited to have new friends to play with.

Yeah it’s probably that he likes playing with her kids so probably doesn’t spend that much time interacting directly with the girlfriend. Also I reckon because you’re his mum and he’s probably closer to you so your bf feels more of a threat than his dad’s girlfriend. Maybe if your bf takes a bit more of a backseat - plays with him when your DS wants to but doesn’t try to force him to engage in conversation if he doesn’t want to. But I reckon this will be temporary- he’s just testing boundaries and needs a bit of reassurance.
Its unfair though that men can merrily move on and get a new partner but when women do it a) kids tend to react more strongly to it and b) they get judged by everyone for it.

I wasn't going to comment but no one else seems to have done.
This stood out to me: "I know he does like new partner, they play nice together and new partner is a very rough and tumble type of guy so will pick him up and spin him round whilst my son is shrieking in enjoyment."
How do you know these are shrieks of enjoyment? Sometimes tickling or rough and tumble etc can seem to be reacted to with delight when the child isn't enjoying it. Sometimes children giggle when being tickled only to suddenly burst into tears (I was unusual and would kick an adult to stop - and my mother would back me up).
Also your ex saying how much he likes being at the new girlfriend's house - that may also not be true. I have often heard teachers say how nice it is that the "popular" children are taking care of a child with problems- when the child they are being "kind" to knows it is fake and performative.

Give your son a chance to tell you how he really feels, maybe while doing an activity (art, Lego, walk). And give him permission to be negative - and act on what he says to show him you are listening. Maybe make sure he and your new boyfriend don't have to meet for a while. Wait for him to want to see your boyfriend but do let your son know you are still seeing him. But show your son how important he is to you.

He will ask to be picked up or asked to be tickled. If I thought he wasn’t enjoying it or if NP was being too rough I would of course immediately tell him to stop and pick my son up and check he was ok.

Of course you do what works for you I was the opposite and kept my relationship separate for seven years until my children were 10 and 16. Which according to some was ridiculously but it worked for us, my children and his daughter 🤷‍♀️.

Two things strike me that may help. Tell your partner not to engage in any rough play or swinging around that is problematic if not done within a very secure relationship. Children can enjoy the sensation of am activity while finding dynamic unsettling, and of course can't communicate it. Think of it like as an adult two people hug us, for some reason one feels off, nothing wrong just makes us feel uncomfortable.

Secondly adjust your timings so your DS is coming back to just you. He isn't going to have the capacity to understand his feelings but coming back to his home. Adjusting back from his dad's where he has a lot of people sharing attention he then obviously needs your one to one. He just hasn't the maturity to communicate this hence the behaviour.

Hope it goes well.

@MammaMia05 could be that he just isn't as attached to his dad as he is to you so doesn't mind 'sharing' him. I think it's fairly common from what I've read on MN. He will come around eventually and I'm sure your new partner will understand.

I guess I’d listen to him and watch his reactions. He is telling you he is uncomfortable with this change. Step back a bit. Or try to get new partner to meet at the park etc so fun is involved. It’s only twice a week and you are entitled to a life to but tread carefully.

My kids were apparently behaving perfectly for ex after he moved in with his new partner and kids (they had met her about 4 times before). They did not behave brilliantly for me. It's classic "mum as safe space".

Keep your love life separate from your child. He's four years old and doesn't need strange men in his home.

You sound like you have your child's best interests at heart.
But he is obviously not coping with all the changes.
I would go back to basics. Stop contact with bf at home for your child.
Just have them see each other outside of the house.
Walks/Park whatever. And do that for a while .
See if his behaviour calms down
Make his home his safe space again.
Then go back to the new bf being at your house a bit when your child's home

I think a lot of people are missing the point here. Your son doesn’t know if you guys have been dating 8 months or 8 years.
He’s not struggling because it’s too soon.

He’s struggling because it’s change and uncertainty and he is tiny. That will feel dangerous to him.

Gradual introduction on neutral ground, build up slowly. Pull back if he struggles. Lots of re-assurance, team building stuff. No affection to each other in front of him.

Allow him to have his feelings…. He is human. This is a difficult situ for each one of you in different ways…. You guys just need time. Good luck

I know he’s struggling with the big change in our house
How much time are you actually having them spend together? Because it shouldnt be a big change in your house with the kittle time youve said in posts.

how long were you single before meeting this new man?