Married for 14 years and 2 kids. Husband got STI while out with friends.

[WifeNMom]

We were each other’s first. Married for 14 years and 2 kids. Since covid my husband is working from home. He usually goes out on guys trip 3-4 times a year after kids. We used to travel a lot before kids. After kids it’s hard to take vacation. When we do it’s like being parent in different city. He doesn’t seem cheater type.

Last year he came up to me and said he got positive for chlamydia and his dr said I should get tested (I was positive). I was furious and I asked him where/how did he catch this. He said ‘we travelled to many 3rd world countries so might’ve caught it from unhygienic environment.’ He sent me articles showing this STI could catch through eyes or dirty towels. I told him this is STI and not a cold and can’t be caught without sexual contact. He stuck to his story snd kept saying he didn’t cheat. In one of the argument he said ‘what if I did cheated, I come back to you, I am here with you, I love you. I am always home and in front of you. You have access to all my stuff phone, laptops, accounts etc ‘(I do but I don’t go through them). So I met my Dr and asked if it possible to get this from non sexual contact. She said it is highly unlikely but as people of science nothing is 100%. He was willing to help in any way for me to come out of this grief. We had couple of couple therapy sessions before I let it slip by.

Fast forward to 2024. I went to my gynecologist for routine check up and discussed this past chlamydia result. She said ‘if you didn’t cheat then he did. I am sorry this STI and only spread through sexual contact.’ Being each other’s first there was no dormant effect here. This got me furious and I knew he cheated and manipulated me into thinking he didn’t. When I confronted him he continued saying he didn’t cheat. When I asked him to swear on our children and his mom and he sweared. i was enraged and about to blow up anytime. I told him to come clean. One time he set me down and said ‘if you think I cheated then you think that but I know I didn’t. now what should we do. You don’t want me go on guys trip then I won’t. You and Kids are most important to me.’ I listened to him but somewhere I was still not satisfied. I wanted to know the details who, what, when, why, how etc. He is great dad to our children. Always works hard and manages to get time out for children. After a day later I wrote him email that I am not satisfied with his answer and he needs to come clean and I don’t know how long I could hold all this inside of me. I wanted to talk to his mom (whome I am close to). He asked for couple of days to back track his thought to see if anything happened under influence of drugs while he was out with his friends. He does occasionally drugs/marujana when on guys trip. He doesn’t smoke or does drugs when home. He works from home. He made some calls and found out while out with few of his friends and friends’ friend they did drugs in hotel suites. As he travelled from US he was exhausted and as occasional drug taker (under peer pressure) his system didn’t handle it well and he puked and passed out. One of friends’s friend called prostitute to the room. The friend he called said ‘i saw her doing something to you while you were passed out. It kinda looked like BJ.’ DH said I asked him why didn’t you tell me anything back then. The friend said he was wasted and next morning went out of town and then forgot.

This is my whole story. Do I seem paranoid? I still don’t believe him as he was building his story and trying to blame it on Drug influence. What do you guys think should I give this relationship a chance for my kids. We don’t have a great sex life (4-5 times a year per my much request) after kids. As he is busy establishing his business and works around the clock. He keeps telling me he doesn’t have the same sex drive as before. He always willing to work on this issue whenever I brought it up. He always takes time out of busy schedule to go out on date every week with me alone and as whole family. I am financially and emotionally strong. He alway encouraged me. We were always each other’s rock. We had perfect relationship and great partnership till this came up. Can this be one time thing? If he is a cheater type then wouldn’t he be secretive, making excuses to leave home, watch/addicted to porn? He doesn’t display any of these red flag. I am torn between my heart and brain. Not sure which one to believe.

These guys certainly all seem to think it's normal/acceptable to cheat when out of sight.

I know Irish guys like this too, sadly.
Grandads who use prostitutes young enough to be their grand-daughters in Portuguese brothels when they're on golf trips. I don't think it enters the heads of their wives of 40- 50 years that they'd ever do something like that.

Prostitutes don't give freebies to passed out men. You don't catch chlamydia from receiving a bj.

Your husband had sex with a prostitute and he wasn't asleep when he did it.

If you got pregnant while having chlamydia, it would have seriously permanently impacted the baby or killed it altogether.

Did a quick check and yes, - from doing oral sex on someone infected with clamydia.

But it's uncommon.

And I still don't think it's possible to then pass it on to someone (who's uninfected) by doing oral sex on them. So the op's husband's claim is not possible.

Perhaps the guys are more than friends? It would explain a lot.

Take him to the cleaners in the divorce and you can still retire early.

Well, this is not to the OP, but just a general comment.

I married late. One think my DH knows (like all men who had been in my life is that I can take him or leave him.) Life is just too short to spend it with people who don't care if they harm you emotionally, physically or mentally.

DH is a golfer. He wanted to stop golf but I encouraged him to keep it as I see it gives him a good work life balance. But I felt respected that anytime I wanted him to stop, he would. every week, he can change his day as long as I tell him before Friday (he needs to sign up for a match every week).

I was surprised when he said his fellow golf members plan a yearly week away to play golf around Europe, for fun, and it is something he could never dream of doing as all they do is drink and it is not his scene. I now see, my DH had the foresight that if he had joined these trips away, I would have divorced him there and then- I don't even require evidence of anything untoward. Yet, I encourage him to travel alone but he doesn't like it. I went alone for one month of 5 months trekking across Africa. Part of it was spent with friends at their place.

OP keeps saying this is her rock etc etc. How on earth do you allow DH/DP to be using drugs recreationally and call him brilliant just because he doesn't take drugs at home.

Op - when his friend cheated, I would have stopped the trips (wouldn't have allowed these trips to start with- what did you think the group does when there?)

Sadly, this is what women around teh world get sold: family man; anything else 'it couldn't be my DH'. Thank God I have never put anyone on that unrealistic pedestal as these perfect DHs are 'human'.

Ffs OP, this is the most BS story I have ever heard. Of course he cheated on you and of course he knows it. 🤦‍♀️ the whole thing is utterly revolting. You need to get leave him.

as these perfect DHs are 'human'.

Well now, I wouldn't call it "human".

Some humans have integrity.

My partner has many faults, believe me, but when I said that he could cheat any time - he has lots of opportunities - and no-one would know, his response was 'I (referring to himself) would know!".

Some men don't behave like this.

Some men don't approach relationships with "she can practice monogamy, and I'll pretend to, but do what I like out of sight".

None of these fuckers would take it for a second if their wives were unfaithful.

Total fantasy. I can appreciate that you want to believe it but there's no two ways about it he's stuck his tackle somewhere he oughtn't.

With one or two exceptions, all these threads on MN have the same pattern. ' I never thought he could do this/ I never thought I would be one of those women/ Until now, I believed my DH 100% but now I am a wreck or full of doubt'.

My point about men being 'human' is to say human err.

OP says she is an analyst so she looks for a pattern: Sorry to say this to you, ANYONE wanting to cheat can 100% create a family man 'pattern' without you noticing he is cheating, if he wants to cheat on you. So you have been focused in a wrong place and he fooled you into it.

I told him to come clean. There is so many flaws in his story. He called his friend and asked to go over the details he went with him yesterday. The friend didn’t know I was there. He said ‘we all gathered to drink at my hotel. One of my friend invited some girls too. First I thought they were joining to drink. (Gujarat is a dry state alcohol is not allowed.) when people usually finds out there is booze they coming like flies to sugar. While you were passed out one of the girl found out you were NRI. She was trying to get close to you to get some money out. After I moved you to bedroom didn’t know when she came to you as I was tight too. When I came to check on you I saw her doing something to you. Your pants were kind of little down. As soon as I saw this was 3rd class characterless girl I called reception and got boys to escort her out. Next day I also yelled at my friend why he did that. He was also apologetic and realized his mistake. But bro don’t worry you didn’t do anything. She seems like trying to get some money out of you.’ I told him you can give the girl STI but not other way bc if that was true then kissing/saliva would spread STI too. I don’t know how will he confess.

OP can I ask why are you trying to hard for him to admit the truth? Do you believe this story? I can understand how this all must be so devastating but the focus is being put on the wrong thing here

Op you know deep down that he's not been faithful. You are desperate to believe him or to least forgive but he will never tell you the truth for you to be able to forgive. He not only gave you an std but he lied about it and then changed his story when you stopped believing the first one. It's up to you if you can forgive this but don't do it for the sake of your kids as it will eat you up inside. You say he's working all these hours for you so you pickup the slack but these trips have cost him thousands, he's playing you like a fiddle. Op you are the butt of the joke to him and his friends, I hate to be harsh but at the threat of you telling his mum he went off and concocted a story with his mates that a prostitute gave him a BJ when he was off his head (either he or his friend paid as this didn't happen for free) If drugs and prostitutes are a regular feature of his trips it shows you what type of man he is

This

Your poor thing @WifeNMom It’s complete and utter bullshit. He’s lied and lied and lied and given you an STD. LTB.

So it's the "third class characterless girls" (how old was she?!) fault now is it that she deliberately gave him chlamydia whilst he was drunk? Honestly OP both he and his mate must think you're as daft as a brush!

You're wasting your time trying to get the truth from him - the need for you to test/him starting to wear condoms with you tells you everything you need to know. What you should do is focus on checking your financial/legal situation and take time to consider your options.

I can totally understand your desire for the truth. Ive been there. Dont let that consume you because you can't force it out of him and you may never be satisfied he's told you everything anyway.

More to the point, my dad cheated on my mom when i was 8. They stayed together for us kids but life was never the same and we were all pretty miserable. I'd rather they had split up and had the chance at happiness. The impact it had on their relationship and the atmostphere at home did a lot more damage in the long run and had a massive impact on my choices as an adult until i untangled it all in my 30s.

What kind of disrespectful arse goes abroad to drink , take drugs and hang out in hotel rooms with shady girls. It's all so sordid . He's a married father and should behave better . It's semantics whether it was a blow job or a shag or a lap dance or whatever, it's grim.
OP stop going round in circles, not one fact changes if he owns up.

I don't believe his story.

BUT let's pretend for a second that it's true. His friends paid for and allowed someone to sexually assault him simce he was unconsciousand couldn't consent. The friends should be criminally charged. If he's so adamant that this is what his friends said happened then he should be willing to speak to the police with you present and report his friends for this crime.

He won't though because that's not what happened. He cheated on you.

Ofcourse the friend knew you were there. You don't believe that bs was the truth do you? He's told his friend he's been busted & primed him on what to say. His friends performing the script they agreed together.

Remember people who get caught first time they do something are a rare breed. He might be adamant it's the first time he's had sex with s prostitute but it won't be, it'll be the first time he's been caught

Could he have been raped by not a woman, but a man and he is too ashamed to say, so he's come up with this bullshit of a story

Oh please. He wasn't raped or assaulted by anyone. He's a cheat who's trying to li his way out of a situation.

Please don't stay because you have children.

It's unfair to them as they'll be sad when they find out and feel guilty.

You're teaching them that women have to accept shit.

If you want to stay for you, own it but don't use the kids.

I'm so sorry OP, that it's come to this with your hubby, men can tell that many lies, they end up believing them.
You've got to ask yourself, is this the life you want going forward.

One of two things happened here:

Your husband cheated, infected you and has been lying and gaslighting you for months

or

Your husband did so much drugs he passed out and his friends allowed a woman to sexually assault and attempt to rob him and he’s never held it against those friends

You are a data analyst so use logic and reason and likelihood to think which is true.

The fact your husband is so willing to lie and gaslight and be so careless with your health and get his friends in on it too tells me how the charcacterless one is.

If you buy these lies, he will never stop. Is that the life you want to live?