Married for 14 years and 2 kids. Husband got STI while out with friends.

[WifeNMom]

We were each other’s first. Married for 14 years and 2 kids. Since covid my husband is working from home. He usually goes out on guys trip 3-4 times a year after kids. We used to travel a lot before kids. After kids it’s hard to take vacation. When we do it’s like being parent in different city. He doesn’t seem cheater type.

Last year he came up to me and said he got positive for chlamydia and his dr said I should get tested (I was positive). I was furious and I asked him where/how did he catch this. He said ‘we travelled to many 3rd world countries so might’ve caught it from unhygienic environment.’ He sent me articles showing this STI could catch through eyes or dirty towels. I told him this is STI and not a cold and can’t be caught without sexual contact. He stuck to his story snd kept saying he didn’t cheat. In one of the argument he said ‘what if I did cheated, I come back to you, I am here with you, I love you. I am always home and in front of you. You have access to all my stuff phone, laptops, accounts etc ‘(I do but I don’t go through them). So I met my Dr and asked if it possible to get this from non sexual contact. She said it is highly unlikely but as people of science nothing is 100%. He was willing to help in any way for me to come out of this grief. We had couple of couple therapy sessions before I let it slip by.

Fast forward to 2024. I went to my gynecologist for routine check up and discussed this past chlamydia result. She said ‘if you didn’t cheat then he did. I am sorry this STI and only spread through sexual contact.’ Being each other’s first there was no dormant effect here. This got me furious and I knew he cheated and manipulated me into thinking he didn’t. When I confronted him he continued saying he didn’t cheat. When I asked him to swear on our children and his mom and he sweared. i was enraged and about to blow up anytime. I told him to come clean. One time he set me down and said ‘if you think I cheated then you think that but I know I didn’t. now what should we do. You don’t want me go on guys trip then I won’t. You and Kids are most important to me.’ I listened to him but somewhere I was still not satisfied. I wanted to know the details who, what, when, why, how etc. He is great dad to our children. Always works hard and manages to get time out for children. After a day later I wrote him email that I am not satisfied with his answer and he needs to come clean and I don’t know how long I could hold all this inside of me. I wanted to talk to his mom (whome I am close to). He asked for couple of days to back track his thought to see if anything happened under influence of drugs while he was out with his friends. He does occasionally drugs/marujana when on guys trip. He doesn’t smoke or does drugs when home. He works from home. He made some calls and found out while out with few of his friends and friends’ friend they did drugs in hotel suites. As he travelled from US he was exhausted and as occasional drug taker (under peer pressure) his system didn’t handle it well and he puked and passed out. One of friends’s friend called prostitute to the room. The friend he called said ‘i saw her doing something to you while you were passed out. It kinda looked like BJ.’ DH said I asked him why didn’t you tell me anything back then. The friend said he was wasted and next morning went out of town and then forgot.

This is my whole story. Do I seem paranoid? I still don’t believe him as he was building his story and trying to blame it on Drug influence. What do you guys think should I give this relationship a chance for my kids. We don’t have a great sex life (4-5 times a year per my much request) after kids. As he is busy establishing his business and works around the clock. He keeps telling me he doesn’t have the same sex drive as before. He always willing to work on this issue whenever I brought it up. He always takes time out of busy schedule to go out on date every week with me alone and as whole family. I am financially and emotionally strong. He alway encouraged me. We were always each other’s rock. We had perfect relationship and great partnership till this came up. Can this be one time thing? If he is a cheater type then wouldn’t he be secretive, making excuses to leave home, watch/addicted to porn? He doesn’t display any of these red flag. I am torn between my heart and brain. Not sure which one to believe.

Anyone who damages my health would be out the door, no second chances.

Your husband is a dirty bird.

You would also be putting yourself (and any unborn children if you were to fall pregnant again) at risk of STDs. Which can be very serious for unborn kids.

If he's using prostitutes in third world countries, he's also much more likely to contract hiv and antibiotic resistant stds. These are a big issue in Thailand, for example.

You would have to have a marriage in which you never have sexual contact with him again.

Apparently he thinks he can say he won't go on lads trips anymore and it's all ok, and you're safe to have sex with his dirty dick again.

First off, he'd need to get a full std screening and show you the evidence.

Secondly, it doesn't matter, even if he does stop the sex tourism & druggy lads trips and gets a full screening. This is behaviour that should end a relationship. You are 100% justified and normal in that.

(Also men like this will just do similar in this country if the get the chance. You may not find out).

Leave now whilst you are still young enough to start over.

If someone treated me like such an idiot, spieling that crap and actually thinking I’d believe it, I’d leave them in a nanosecond. After I finished laughing in their face. How did you keep a straight face while he was spinning any of this crap?

This.

It is a travesty of a marriage and family to have this man in their home .... Pretending to be decent, while he fucks poor, deprived women in third world countries behind his wife's back when he's on his druggy lads trips.

He could have given their Mum an std. She could have ended up with pelvic inflammatory disease. She could have ended up with hiv, on drugs for life with a compromised immune system (if he'd been unlucky enough to contract hiv (and this is not impossible - prostitutes are infected with it in Thailand, and I've read recent stories on men's forums of Thai prostitutes having unprotected sex for the right money), he could have caused you to have a child with serious issues if you'd fallen pregnant while infected with an std he gave you, think of the effect of that on you & your kids.

But the risk of STDs and physical issues is only one side...there is also the emotional side of making a mockery of marriage on your spouse. Of the stress, distress, emotional pain, betrayal etc.

No decent father would inflict that on his kids' Mum. It's a type of abuse.

Your hopefully stbex is a scum bag, I'm sorry.

You don't need to pretend he's not and make some fake front for your kids, it's not real. You know it's not real. You know you have a viper in the nest.

He is great dad to our children. Always works hard and manages to get time out for children

Great.

He can have them 50-50 then.
Pull his weight as a parent.

And his next partner can deal with his druggy, prostitute using lads trips abroad. She can hear the bullshit stories about why he's got symptoms and a positive result for an std. She can experience the pain and grief.

I know a few men like this and they rarely stop their behaviour.

he said ‘what if I did cheated, I come back to you, I am here with you, I love you. I am always home and in front of you.

These are the words of a man who thinks it’s ok to be unfaithful, out of sight out of mind and what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

We were each other’s first.

We don’t have a great sex life (4-5 times a year per my much request) after kids.

@WifeNMom unfortunately your husband has definitely cheated on you. I’m just wondering if you’ve considered the fact it might not have been with a woman?

You've been together your whole adult lives, he wouldn’t be the first man to realise later in life that he is bi/gay. The reluctance for sexual contact with you, multiple ‘guy trips’ each year and his attitude that ultimately he comes home to you so what else matters makes me wonder whether he has actually realised he’s not entirely heterosexual. This of course in no way excuses cheating but it’s worth thinking about.

His concocted story is complete BS and you know it. The chances that this was the first time and he also happened to get an STI is not impossible but unlikely. How well do you know the men he goes away with? Would they stick to this story if you were to discuss it with their wives/partners?

Also he is trying to call your bluff about telling his parents, he doesn’t think you will so is making out that he would have no issue if you did.

*he said ‘what if I did cheated, I come back to you, I am here with you, I love you. I am always home and in front of you.

These are the words of a man who thinks it’s ok to be unfaithful, out of sight out of mind and what you don’t know won’t hurt you.*

I second this.

He's telling you his mentality, loud and clear.

He thinks men are entitled to cheat, as long as he stays married, "comes back to you", doesn't leave you, pays his part of the bills, does some stuff with his kids etc. etc. If his lads holiday mates are attached men, they obviously all think the same way. They think they're entitled to seek sex outside their relationships, that that's just how men are, and that it doesn't make them all-round bad husbands. They probably don't even think of the third world prostitutes as human. They're objects to them.

Anyway his attitude is "I would never leave you" and you're supposed to be grateful for that.

While he fucks around with other women... But that's ok cause they're only prossies.

It wouldn't be ok for you though, would it? if you went to Turkey with your mates and shagged some of the good looking young men there, who have sex with female tourists of all ages for the sex and some gifts like iphones etc. Would "I always come back to you, don't I?" be a valid argument from you?

Personally I don't have monogamous relationships with men who don't believe in monogamy.

In spite of all the lying, he's told you through his actions (he's definitely had sex with at least one other woman, with 4/5 lads trips per year, I'd imagine many more than one) and his words "I always come back to you, don't I, I'm here" that he doesn't believe in monogamy for men. That won't change, even if he stops the lads trips fur a while because he thinks he's in danger of being left since the Gynaecologist clarified the std issue.

We don’t have a great sex life (4-5 times a year per my much request) after kids.

Kids and work and housework will knacker anyone ...but he couldn't be very good in bed, if you only want to shag him 4-5 times a year.

That's duty/maintenance shagging.... Seems like you don't really even want to shag him or enjoy shagging him, I guessing cause he's crap at it.

Your husband is a disgusting liar.

You aren't paranoid, you have been far too gullible through this.

He will just find another alternative to these "guys trips" like he now has to travel for "work" etc...or go out during the day for "appointments" etc

The story that he caught the STI is not believable - if he struggles with peer pressure and take drugs he may struggle with peer pressure and when friends paying for a prostitute he joins in etc.

I think you need to decide what you want to do here - accept this happened and work on your marriage / get counselling etc or get your ducks in a row and look at separation or divorce.

What ever you decide to do, I wish you the best OP.

You wouldn’t be the one breaking up the family. It’s his actions that have broken up the family.

In summary;

He's a filthy, std infected cheater.
He risked your health. He could have gotten symptomless STDs anytime before the clamydia and not known, and infected you.
He's a liar.
He's wounded you deeply emotionally, you described it as grief. That's totally understandable and imho should not be gotten past
I'm guessing he's shit in bed.
He has taken the absolute piss out of you by having 4/5 lads holidays a year while you got how many girls trips (?)
You have a decent job/income and don't need him.

You don't need to be there, covering up what he is to your kids and your families.
Your kids don't need to be told specifically about his behaviour, but they don't need to be living with him in a nuclear household either, with you as the sacrifice. That's not actually being a good mother. That's not authentic. Covering up infidelity and prostitute use and STDs and pretending everything is ok., swallowing that level.of pain, betrayal and abuse.

They can find out what he's like in time, as they grow up. And they will.

(I know adult kids of men like this ..they tolerate them and are civil - because they're nice people and it's their Dad and maybe the Dad had some good sides towards them .... But what I notice is that every Christmas; they are all at their Mum's houses, and the Dads have a sad little bachelor Christmas together. Their kids and grandkids are not with them).

@WifeNMom am sorry, but your DH is lying. According to the chlamydiacoalition.org it is very difficult to get it from oral sex - in fact it can only happen where the man who ejaculates has it and infects the recipient - because it can only be passed via sex secretions - not via saliva (you’d catch it from kissing, wouldn’t you?)

I’m sorry, but he’s been unfaithful (at least once), he has lied and gaslighted you, and put your own physical and reproductive health at risk by not taking even basic protective precautions. This would be a divorce for me.

Oh and I totally forgot to mention that people with integrity & decency don't exploit sex workers in third world countries.

They know exactly why those people are doing sex work and they just think "Great, I can benefit from their poverty, deprivation, lack.of opportunities etc". They choose to do that. What sort of person is that?

After he cheated it is too late to say he won't go on trips in the future. He's a liar and a cheat. You need to decide if you still want him to be married to you or not.

If you kick him out it doesn't mean you and your kids can't have a relationship with your in-laws. Just be honest and tell them why you can't trust him anymore.

I agree with@NZDreaming

what if I did cheated, I come back to you, I am here with you, I love you. I am always home and in front of you.

These words are incredibly telling.

It's likely he thinks you should be satisfied with being the nice 1950s wifey at home, whilst he shags his way across the globe with this friends.

Expect more lies, including the lie that he, like you, was a virgin when you first met.

There isn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that this man has been cheating on you on every single "lads trip" he's ever been on. Some of the worlds most prolific cheaters "don't seem the type". They look as innocent as Bambi and lie as easily as they breathe. That's how they get away with it. He won't stop cheating, just so you know. He will just be more careful at not getting caught.

Leave him and don't look back. Don't bother having a heart to heart with him about it, just get out and start divorce proceedings. You've wasted enough of your life on him.

If op confronts him with this, he'll move to pretending that he doesn't actually know what happened while he was passed out, and maybe this incredibly enthusiastic (!) prostitute, managed to hop on his sleep erection, and infected him with clamydia that way.

He will never stop lying.

He doesn't want to be the guy whose wife left him cause he got caught out cheating with sex workers on lads holidays and got clamydia. If any of that came out to his work colleagues/parents/family etc. he ends up not looking remotely like the 14 yrs married respectable family man and good Dad he presents as.

He also probably, on a practical note, can't be arsed doing his own housework, laundry, looking after his kids on his own for extended periods etc ....until he finds some new sucker for a live in relationship.

It's not even just what he thinks op might accept; it says everything about how he sees women & marriage.

He genuinely does think they should be grateful that their husband doesn't leave them, regardless of what else he does. It implies he sees infidelity as minor, for men.

Op, women had no choice in the past to stay with men who have massive double standards around fidelity for men and women; in some countries we now have a choice. You're apparently in one of them. You don't have to accept this inequality and disgusting behaviour.

YOU are not the one breaking up the family. He chose to do that all on his own. If I were you I'd leave him, and when people ask you why you tell them in a very matter of fact way that he's a serial cheater and you found out because he's riddled with disease. Let everyone know what kind of man he is. Nobody will be judging you, I promise. People deserve to know - he could infect half the county.

And he's not "there for you". He's with you because it suits him. He likes having a little wifey at home to take care of the house and the kids so he can go off and behave like a horny 19 year old whenever he likes.

Sorry to hear this. Will you kindly ask your DH to stop denigration 3rd World Countries in his shameful attempt to lie to you? Very low of him, just as exploiting s3x workers is. If he is man enough to cheat on you and bring you STI, he is man enough to stop running to what he thinks is the lowest denominator when he himself is the lowest denominator in this sorry saga.

Celebrities and royals travel to 3rd word countries sometimes staying for months, and none has come back with Chlamydia which he then straight away though it fun to transmit. You say you only have s3x 4-5 times a year initiated by you, so no reason why he didn't get himself tested as soon as he got back, as only he would have been living this nightmare alone.

Personally, I would never forgive anyone infecting me with STI even I was broke. I too put my children above all and I too am well-off. As you say he is a brilliant father, and you are well- off I would let his parents know as he has given you permission to, tell the lot I am staying for my children, and start therapy together. In that order. That way the shame and upset is being equally felt by you and he and both can then work on the marriage, both wounded. Good luck.

But if it helps you then go ahead and talk to them

He's bluffing, or he knows his parents will not condemn male infidelity.

The latter could explain some of his values/approach to relationships.