Boyfriend had affair when married

[halloween67]

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now, his divorce got finalised about 18 months ago.
Tonight we started talking about people having affairs. He told me that about 20 years ago he cheated on his ex wife for a good few months. Then the affair stopped and he carried on being married.

It's really bothered me even though it was 20 years ago and not really anything to do with me.
I'm not sure if I am overreacting or not as it was so long ago?
Would appreciate some other opinions please. Thanks

I wouldn't be impressed. Once a cheat and all that.

I don't want to be harsh, but he told you about one. You have no way of knowing, really, if it was limited to that. It would bother me too.

Hmm.. I wonder how honest, and if it were something he really regretted, and if he had any fucking sense at all, why on earth would he share this, of all things, with his current partner. Perhaps he's a former cheat, but he's a current idiot.

Had the exact same experience except he told me after we had been married for 5 years. Turned out he was also still in contact with the ‘ex affair partner’ as they were now friends. Contact in the form of annual phone calls, the odd email and possibly it was now an emotional affair. Eventually I hold him it was her or me and he stopped it.

Run if you have any sense.. This is a red flag .They are two types of people ,people who will cheat and people who will never cheat ...

Did he openly volunteer the information? Or was it common knowledge so you could have found out anyway?

If I was confident it was twenty years ago and that nothing had happened since . And he showed remorse for his actions I could probably let it go. But I would be clear it was a deal breaker for me. Did his wife ever find out?

He openly just told me about the affair, he also said he kissed a few other women at that time. A lot was drink fulled but he was incredibly unhappy in his marriage he said. The affair lasted months.

He did stay with his wife and he never told her anything about the affair or kissing other women.

Just doesn't sit right with me.

Hmmm. Whilst I agree people can and do change, they usually dont unless they have a proper period of self reflection and a commitment to changing past dysfunctional behaviours. This takes work and usually people dont do the work, they simply fall back into previous behaviour patterns- its literally how our brains work once we have created a neural network in a certain area around a certain coping mechanism.

Therefore, I would see it as a red flag. It doesnt necessarily follow he's going to do it to you, but it does indicate a certain type of escapism that he falls back in to when things get bad and thats not good. I think I would be having a very honest conversation with him about this and my actions would depend on how he frames it and whether he takes responsibility for it or not.

I guess ideally we all want to be with people we feel would never cheat (even though some would say everyone can, we’d like to feel our person wouldn’t). Trouble is now you know he has done that, however long ago, you can no longer tell yourself he’s someone that would never cheat.

Thankfully your intuition works and is kicking in to protect you. You're uncomfortable because your man once betrayed someone who trusted him and carried on as normal. He kept his dirt on the doorstep and got away with it. Can you trust him? The answer's in how sensitively he's treated your feelings so far as other females in his life; before his confession. Should tell you a lot. Also his attitude when informing you he'd cheated 20 years ago.

Did he appear remorseful or hesitant to get to the point? Was he visibly troubled by shame? Or was it said with casual arrogance? Did he seem proud to have gotten away with it? No one here has those answers but you. Word of warning ⚠️

Deceptive people decieve to get away with it. Anyone who's had a cheating friend will tell you, they can't help talking about it to someone.

Good luck

So, he blamed it on drink, and he blamed it on being unhappy in his marriage.
did he never take any accountability for his actions, go to therapy, figure out why he’d rather cheat and drink than work on the relationship or end it?

sorry, that’s a huge red flag for me. Blame shifting - and he’s still doing it- will eventually leave you walking on eggshells.
If you have an argument or a rough patch, how can you trust him to be honest and stick with the relationship he has committed to?

He's done it before, he'd do it again in the same circumstances.

So it all depends really. I cheated. I'm not sure that being a cheater means I should be confined to the scrap heap and ostracised, but many on MN will say it should.

The question you really need to ask your bf is what work has he done on himself since that point. Does he understand why he cheated, what the triggers were and has he thought about what would happen today if he was placed in that position.
In my case cheating came from a place of deep insecurity and low self esteem, and it was not until I worked hard (with professional support) to address the issues inside of me, that I can confidently say I would not be triggered in the same way again.

I do believe it's possible to not cheat again. My bf knows the circumstances of my relationship breakdown with my ex as I've been open and honest with him about my past. But not everyone can cope with it, so you have to decide if you can. I did once go on a date with a guy for whom it was a deal breaker, no hard feelings from me.

My Dh of 15 years had an affair years ago. He regretted it then and still regrets it now. He remained married although his ex found out, but it seems they'd both mentally checked out of the marriage before then. They limped on until his ex met someone else and left him. I met him a year after that.
He is a very different man all these years later and I trust him completely ( second marriage for both of us)

Yeah this defo a red flag. They always say once a cheat always a cheat. I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. 😬

It’s showing his lack of integrity. That is why it doesn’t sit right with you. He’s telling you who he is.

Of course people can change.
My younger self did many things I'd never do now

Sorry, but I think this is a bad sign. A reason to tell you, would be to gauge your reaction to cheating, so he has an idea of what to expect if he currently does.
His excuse for it doesn't wash either, or his claim it was only that time. He's saying that without his DW's knowledge, he managed to fix a marriage that he was miserable in, and stay another 20 years without further transgression - hmm...I don't buy it.
What he's said would give me the ick tbh.

Why do you think he divorced op? Likely hood is he was caught cheating.

He's telling you how he will be with you.

what's really telling is he's blamed it on the state of his marriage and not on his own moral failure. He's warning you 'keep me happy in our relationship, or I will cheat'.

I had an affair when I was young, thoughtless and self-obsessed. Whenever I speak about it, I take full responsibility and also explain how seeing the effect it had on my boyfriend when I told him really opened my eyes to what a vile thing it was to do to someone, and I vowed to never do it again.

I also think this is one of the questions that should come up whilst dating. I always ask if someone has had an affair ever. The way they answer that question is very telling.

So when he cheats on you will you be back saying 'but he said he loves me I didn't think it would happen to me'?

Good on you for spotting and dealing with this MAJOR red flag.

Interesting. I disclose when someone asks me how I met my wife. "We had an emotional affair, told our spouses and ran off together. We did something awful, because we were selfish and cruel." It's quite the conversation stopper but hey ho, you reap what you sow. Very occasionally someone asks me why and, after the hard work and therapy, I can explain why I chose to cheat, which is the important bit, not the circumstances at the time of cheating, and own what I did.

So for the cheaters who go on go date, do you disclose and when? First date? when you think it might be getting serious? after you think they are in too deep to leave? The last option of course should be a fucking great red flag as you would be a prize cunt to do that.

To disclose may be a deal breaker for some, even if you have genuinely changed and can show why. That's fair. Hypothetically speaking I doubt I'd date a person with substance misuse in their past that needed treatment. My mum was an alcoholic and while I believe some people go on to sobriety for ever, I could not live through it again. My choice.

So maybe disclose before any date. Which would make for some more unusual dating app profiles I guess. I understand they are usually pictures of men with big fish

He's told you who he is so believe him @halloween67
Another point. So, he's told you but he has never told his wife who he was married to for 20 years. It's utterly vile to tell other people what went on within his marriage when his wife at the time not only has no knowledge of what happened but also has zero opportunity to state her side of the story.
A stranger knows more about her marriage than she does. Utterly vile man. Throw this one back.