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Original poster

Boyfriend had affair when married

58 replies

halloween67 · 17/06/2024 00:27

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now, his divorce got finalised about 18 months ago.
Tonight we started talking about people having affairs. He told me that about 20 years ago he cheated on his ex wife for a good few months. Then the affair stopped and he carried on being married.

It's really bothered me even though it was 20 years ago and not really anything to do with me.
I'm not sure if I am overreacting or not as it was so long ago?
Would appreciate some other opinions please. Thanks

OP posts:
Ohwellithappens · 17/06/2024 18:26

OP, sounds like my ex. He told me a few months into our relationship that he had affairs when he was married and he wanted to be honest with me. I look back and find it quite manipulative because it made me think he should get credit for coming clean. But it all became smoke and mirrors, he was very good friends with at least one person he had an affair with. The trouble is that he didn't know how to behave in a relationship, like you bf he diminished kissing other people. Get out now before you end up questioning yourself.

Original poster
halloween67 · 17/06/2024 20:21

Thank you everyone, it's definitely given me the ick and I feel extremely sorry for his ex wife. Won't be carrying on,

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 17/06/2024 21:13

I wonder how many people are with someone who has cheated on an ex and just doesn't know about it?

Even if its been discussed, there's no guarantee that they'll have been honest about it.

I'd imagine there are quite a few tbh.

Anonym00se · 17/06/2024 21:23

GreyCarpet · 17/06/2024 21:13

I wonder how many people are with someone who has cheated on an ex and just doesn't know about it?

Even if its been discussed, there's no guarantee that they'll have been honest about it.

I'd imagine there are quite a few tbh.

This…Studies show 67% of men admit to cheating more than once (not necessarily in their current relationship, but ever). So the chances of all of us being with a man who has always been faithful are significantly less than the chances of us being with someone who has cheated.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 17/06/2024 21:31

My DH cheated on an ex girlfriend, she found out and dumped him, they both got over it and moved on.
Doesn't bother me at all, I don't think it makes him more likely to cheat, he either will or won't, I'm not wasting my energy worrying about it.

This guy sounds like he's being honest with you which he didn't have to, doesn't make him more of less likely to cheat again imo, anyone might.

GreyCarpet · 17/06/2024 22:05

Tbh, it's not even something I'd ask about.

I wouldn't put soneone in the position of beijg 'forced' to lie and I wouldn't imagine very many people would actually be honest about it. Either through shame or because they just wouldn't want you to know.

I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat. It's a ridiculous thing to say. I'd imagine there are a fair few people who did it when they were younger or in a really bad place or in a really bad relationship who would never put themselves in the position of doing it again for many reasons.

I wouldn't judge someone for something they did 20 years ago unless it was truly unforgiveable.

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 17/06/2024 22:28

We could all give you 120 opinions,
But what matters is how you feel about it. Personally it gives me an ick, especially lack of remorse and accountability.

seensome · 17/06/2024 22:46

I've experienced this a few times when dating, the guy being upfront about his history of cheating, immediately puts me off, if they are genuinely remorseful and certain they wouldn't do it again , I don't need to know about it. I wonder if they think it's impressive to show off that there're capable of attracting more than one woman at a time.

My exh admitted he cheated on gfs in his early 20's, I let it go because he was young, he always bit of a sleeze, I wouldn't trust anyone again brings up their murky past, it's a hazard waiting to happen.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/06/2024 09:23

He's telling you how he will be with you

What's really telling is he's blamed it on the state of his marriage and not on his own moral failure. He's warning you 'keep me happy in our relationship, or I will cheat'

This ... and good decision about ending it OP

If he'd gone on to say how he'd worked on himself since that might have been different, but of course it was all someone else's fault (and probably wasn't the only occasion either)

Kerri44 · 20/06/2024 08:33

I cheated in a past bad relationvshvips....yes I should have ended it first but one mentally abused me calling me fat and the other threatened suicide when I tried to end it.....I've now been with my husband 10yrs and not once has it crossed my mind to cheat on him, I have no interest in anyone else , our relationship is based on love, we have 2 amazing children....I believe you don't cheat in the right relationship

Both of the exes have had abusive and short lived marriages and relationships since too

Overthiscrap · 20/06/2024 11:17

what did he have to gain by telling you? How was it brought in to the conversation?
i dated a man who told me similar, although he had never been married to the ladies he cheated on. It planted a real seed of distrust for me and I could never settle. It caused me a lot of heartache in the short time we were together and when we split for various reasons I could see him for who he really was. I felt he had wanted to provoke jealousy in me, and looking back I was right.

CeasarS · 20/06/2024 11:23

Some people will think it's good that he's been honest with you, but I'm afraid I think it more likely he's letting you know who he is.

Jayne35 · 20/06/2024 12:38

I got married very young and had children soon after, we had zero in common and didn't really get on well at all, I did cheat, which was the wrong way to end the marriage but have been happily married to my affair partner for over 20 years, I would not cheat again. It was a long time ago in the OPs (and he told you about it) case so I would let it go, of you can't then you should just end it and move on.

MystyLuna · 20/06/2024 16:42

I couldn't care less who my husband slept with 20 years before I met him. As long as since being me with he has only slept with me I don't care about past relationships.
20 years ago I wasn't a cheat but I let my partner at the time treat me like crap, walk all over me and take advantage.
Now I would never let someone treat me like that.
Most people change as they get older and wouldn't do the same thing they did 20 years ago.
He was honest when the subject came up. He didn't need to tell you about it.
I would just worry about how he treats you now and not worry about something that happened 20 years before you met him.

Waterbaby41 · 20/06/2024 19:28

Just because he cheated on his wife does not necessarily mean he will cheat on you or any future GF/wife. Just because you have never cheated on someone does not mean you will never cheat on any future BF/husband. No one's future behaviour is completely predetermined by their past. Make your own choice on the basis of how you feel about the man now.

Poddledoddle · 20/06/2024 19:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

But he wasn't honest in his actions

Ohwellithappens · 20/06/2024 19:38

Overthiscrap · 20/06/2024 11:17

what did he have to gain by telling you? How was it brought in to the conversation?
i dated a man who told me similar, although he had never been married to the ladies he cheated on. It planted a real seed of distrust for me and I could never settle. It caused me a lot of heartache in the short time we were together and when we split for various reasons I could see him for who he really was. I felt he had wanted to provoke jealousy in me, and looking back I was right.

@Overthiscrap thank you for posting this. It resonated with me. I had an ex who would tell me he had dinner with an ex girlfriend afterwards or that he spent the whole evening talking to one woman at a work event, he had numerous affairs in his marriage, Jesus what did I see in the twat. But I think it was designed to put me on edge as though he was so attractive to so many women...

Jennaxoxox · 20/06/2024 19:43

I think with cheaters it's hard to tell if they've changed or just got better at being sneaky. My friend is a serial cheater, she has her past, her future and her always. If your boyfriend is in the kinda set up where he's still even FB friends with the girl he initially had the affair with I would run. He could very likely be same as my friend and that's his always. There's nothing in it, they ain't getting together at any point, they just bang on occasion 😶‍🌫️

BusyMummy001 · 20/06/2024 19:44

halloween67 · 17/06/2024 06:55

He openly just told me about the affair, he also said he kissed a few other women at that time. A lot was drink fulled but he was incredibly unhappy in his marriage he said. The affair lasted months.

He did stay with his wife and he never told her anything about the affair or kissing other women.

Just doesn't sit right with me.

It depends on how he related to this - was he appalled by the behaviour now he looks back, or was he shrugging his shoulders as if to say I did it, she never knew, no harm done and wasn’t exwife lucky because I stayed?

Whilst I don’t believe you should hold people’s past mistakes against them, I’m not hearing that he was embarrassed or self critical. Ie, I’m not sure that he views his actions as a mistake? That would be the red flag for me.

Timetocheersme · 20/06/2024 19:46

My bf told me that he had an affair during his first marriage (so did the wife) and also when living with another person! This was a very long time ago and he was faithful for twenty years during his second marriage. I trust him 100%. But he was horrid back then! People can change, but others don't.

MissingMoominMamma · 20/06/2024 19:47

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2024 00:33

I wouldn't be impressed. Once a cheat and all that.

I had an affair during my first marriage- my husband never knew. I wouldn’t dream of it now. People grow and their morals change.

If I could go back in time, I’d just have ended the marriage sooner.

WorriedMama12 · 20/06/2024 20:10

I wouldn't stay with him. Cheating shows that someone has very poor morals and not much integrity. That's not someone I would want to be with.

5128gap · 20/06/2024 20:29

Well you've learned some new things about his character that cant really be explained away by being young and stupid or unhappy.
First, he's obviously a good liar as I'd be very surprised if he had a 3m affair without having to look at his wife and lie to her face multiple times. Convincingly too as he was never caught. Secondly he's very good at keeping secrets when it suits him, as he continued his marriage without it coming out or feeling guilty enough to disclose it. These are the important things you've learned about him. Do with them what you will.

Krista882024 · 20/06/2024 21:16

He's telling you indirectly what he is going to do. You can't trust his loyalty as he has no loyalty to himself, lacking in principle, morals, boundaries and value. He needs to be single

TheRoseWriter · 20/06/2024 21:27

In the heel of the hunt it doesn't really matter whether he has changed or not. It is something that OP isn't comfortable with. If you are uncomfortable about anything in your relationship that's a perfectly good reason to end it.

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