To insist DH lives somewhere close by while in trial separation

[janiejonstone]

DH announced at Easter that he wanted to separate. This was a total shock to me and I'm still feeling from it and trying to work out what it means for me and our daughter who's 5. He has been looking for a flat to rent, we luckily have some savings which could fund two households for a year while we figure out finances. I assumed that he would be close by - ideally within walking distance of 5yo's school and home so he can continue to do some drop-offs and bedtimes etc and maybe some overnights further down the line. He's just said he's found somewhere and has sent me the link and it's in a different area, about 25 minutes drive but 45 on the bus. He says it's none of my concern now where he lives and he'll be the one travelling so it's up to him. AIBU to be upset about this? I'm upset about everything atm so it's hard to pick me battles.

You can't influence what he does now, best to focus on your legal arrangements and your child. I can understand it's upsetting, you'll be feeling better eventually but be kind to yourself. You have alot to look forward to believe it or not.

He says it's none of my concern now where he lives and he'll be the one travelling so it's up to him

He is correct. As long as he is meeting his co-parenting responsibilities then his "travel time" shouldn't concern you; that's his problem to deal with.

But I understand being upset. You've been blindsided by his request for a separation and your world has been turned completely upside down. But best to accept that you no longer have much say in your husband's choices regarding living arrangements etc. - that's what divorce is all about.

Focus on negotiating the best financial and custody arrangements you can and don't waste time arguing about things that are out of your control. Things will settle down and you'll be able to move forward. Divorce is always painful but it doesn't have to be traumatic. Take care of yourself; you'll get through this!

Controlling, much? No, you can't 'insist' on where he lives when you are separated.

What were his reasons for the separation? Is the new place closer to where he works or his family?

I fail to see the difference it will make to you? It will be his time impacted.

Are you concerned about your DD on the bus for 45 , minutes? Is there something missing in the OP that maybe I am not appreciating?

You can’t control where he lives, but this is a different matter from his parenting responsibilities. If he can fulfill those with a 45 minute commute each way, what’s the problem?

I suspect what you fear is that because he will be 45 mins away, he won’t fulfill his duties and they’ll mostly fall on you. I strongly recommend you have a conversation about this sooner rather than later. You know where this is heading.

I think the issue is that you think you’re having a trial separation, he thinks you’re getting divorced.

My love, with kindness, I think this a trial for you and a decision made for him. If he had any hopes or desires of a reconciliation he would not be using terms like “it’s nothing to do with you”. I think his mind is already made up and tbf when he dates again you’ll appreciate he is 25 mins away and you’re not walking past him and his new life xx

Unfortunately I think this is right

This doesn’t sound like a trial. He has ended the marriage. He’s told you he wants a divorce and he is leaving. You need to accept that.

What is the plan for coparenting? Is he going to meet his obligation as a parent and do his share? Or is he also going to leave you to do all of that?

This. I’m very sorry, but you need to face up to the reality that he wants a divorce.
I do think there is another woman. Hence his asking for a “break” rather than a divorce outright, to test the waters with the other woman in case it doesn’t work out and he can come crawling back. But in his mind your marriage is over.

@BeckiWithAnI

He didn’t ask for a break. He told the OP that he wants to separate. She is the one thinking this isn’t permanent. He seems to have been quite clear; he says he wants to separate and that his private life and where he lives is no longer her business.

I don’t think it’s fair to accuse him of keeping the door open so he can crawl back after playing the field for a while. Are you projecting? Or you just don’t like men? Because nothing here indicates that he plans to sleep around then return if he doesn’t get something better.

I think that’s a bit mean. Separation isn’t divorce and OP has clearly been left feeling reconciliation is still possible. If this also happened at Easter why is he only now looking for places? He’s not been clear enough to OP that he wants a divorce, not to separate, and he’s dragged his feet giving her hope. Have a little empathy.

This

You’re the one making up a narrative that he is going out to try other woman and might come back when he doesn’t find someone new. You think that’s empathetic? Seriously?

The guy has left. If he does date other people, he actually isn’t doing anything wrong. You framed it like he was up to something, with no indication.

It’s classic man hating mumsnet when there is absolutely no reason for it and I don’t think the OP would want to read your totally made up idea that he was going to try and meet other women before deciding he might come back.

Controlling?! Who is going to pick up the child from school, drop offs etc. Much easier 5-15 minutes away than an hour round trip. Is he going to do these still? I think that’s what OP wants to know. Is she supposed to deal with all the childcare arrangements now?

Have you made a childcare plan with him OP? I think focus on that?

I don’t think this is a trial separation.

I also don’t think it’s likely or reasonable to expect him to come and do bedtimes in your home. He’ll have to do the school run on his days, or find afterschool childcare that can do it. But really, you won’t want him in your home confusing things.

I’m sorry. I’d really try and frame this in your mind as the end, so you process it rather than being constantly blindsided as he progresses towards being a single man.

It wouldn’t surprise me if he was moving in with an affair partner and wanted to be that far away because it would be easier to keep her from you until the dust settled. If there’s no other reason for him to live so far away that will be it.

Ask him where the new woman lives?

Most newly separated dads would want to be in a similar location to their kids unless they had already found a new romantic partner and put them first instead...

So why hasn’t he just outright said he wants a divorce?

If OP has truly been blindsided by his departure there’s usually a reason.

And in fact I absolutely LOVE men. But this isn’t about be xx

I don't think it's that far, it's well within an hour and within a decent range for school pick ups and playdates etc. Does he drive? Who would have to get the bus? I think it sounds like a healthy distance to really separate and have your own space, not being too close. Your DD is thankfully young and can acclimatise.

I mean this kindly but I think he sees the situation as divorce rather than separation. I also think that he’s made his mind up and isn’t in limbo at all.

He is right that you have no say in where he lives and I suspect that he doesn’t see future child arrangements like you do either. I think yanbu to want a conversation about the child arrangement side. He may think that 45 mins is fine but it’s going to be tough on your dd if he is really considering using the bus and the bus route is busy with commuters.

That doesn’t mean he hasn’t been clear. Plenty of people, while working through the shock of their LTR ending, convince themselves it’s just temporary.

Even when the other party is clear.

Where he lives is non of Ops business. He said he wants to separate. As long as he picks up all the extra work from him living further away, it’s really non of ops concern.

If he's used the words 'none of your business' then I agree with pp's that this is a permanent thing for him.

Whether he has been clear enough or not up until now, moving that far away is message enough, and I agree that OP needs to accept it’s over and has no automatic right to dictate where he lives.