To insist DH lives somewhere close by while in trial separation

[janiejonstone]

DH announced at Easter that he wanted to separate. This was a total shock to me and I'm still feeling from it and trying to work out what it means for me and our daughter who's 5. He has been looking for a flat to rent, we luckily have some savings which could fund two households for a year while we figure out finances. I assumed that he would be close by - ideally within walking distance of 5yo's school and home so he can continue to do some drop-offs and bedtimes etc and maybe some overnights further down the line. He's just said he's found somewhere and has sent me the link and it's in a different area, about 25 minutes drive but 45 on the bus. He says it's none of my concern now where he lives and he'll be the one travelling so it's up to him. AIBU to be upset about this? I'm upset about everything atm so it's hard to pick me battles.

Yanbu to be unsettled and upset by his behaviour which doesn’t suggest that he sees this as a trial. You deserve the truth - is he the type who doesn’t want to look like the bad guy so waiting for you to pull the trigger instead?

I think he’s already emotionally detached from you and is paving the way to doing much less childcare than he does currently. He might be naive /deluded and think that he can make it work 45 minute bus ride away - especially if he does that distance for work already but I suspect that you’ll be doing and paying for the majority of childcare in the near future and he’ll be seeing dd around his work schedule in order to minimize the financial cost to him.

Does one of not drive? Just wondering if that is part of the issue as you talk about how long it takes by bus.

I would speak to him about the impact that travel time is going to have on your child. She will be staying at his home some nights and the longer the travel, the harder it is going to be on her. She should be his top priority when picking a place to live.

Don’t nag him, just point it out once.

if he doesn’t want to think about his parenting responsibilities, he has probably more than checked out of the marriage. You should quietly meet with a solicitor and get things ready.

I think you need to accept it isn’t a trial separation. You are seperated. And he’s making it clear to you. I’m sorry.

Has he said why he wants to move 45 mins away?

Because I don't think you can or should tell him what to do.
But he does need to think about how this will impact your child particularly as she gets older and wants to have the independence to see friends and get to hobbies and jobs

I am really glad I live 10 minutes walk from my ex, it has made life so much easier for the children

Absolutely OW involved here, who happens to live 25 minutes away. There is no flat - he’s moved in with her. I get you OP - he’s being an irresponsible twat, and showing you the way it’s going to go. You’re way down his priorities. I’d be totally passed off with him, but unfortunately he has checked out, and will not do anything to make your life easier or better. Just make him aware that as he has chosen to live so far away, that should he wish to see his dd, then it’s on him to make the trip to do pick ups and drop offs. Don’t facilitate his twattery.

pissed

Sounds like it over and not a separation.