To insist DH lives somewhere close by while in trial separation

[janiejonstone]

DH announced at Easter that he wanted to separate. This was a total shock to me and I'm still feeling from it and trying to work out what it means for me and our daughter who's 5. He has been looking for a flat to rent, we luckily have some savings which could fund two households for a year while we figure out finances. I assumed that he would be close by - ideally within walking distance of 5yo's school and home so he can continue to do some drop-offs and bedtimes etc and maybe some overnights further down the line. He's just said he's found somewhere and has sent me the link and it's in a different area, about 25 minutes drive but 45 on the bus. He says it's none of my concern now where he lives and he'll be the one travelling so it's up to him. AIBU to be upset about this? I'm upset about everything atm so it's hard to pick me battles.

I’m concerned about the spend the savings plan. Is there a budget for where he lives? Is there any control over how much he spends? Can you agree a limit on the savings or that it is only for rent? Take a statement from the account now. Like others said I think in his mind the divorce is a done deal and I’d be worried about the financial split and how much parenting he plans to do from his new digs 45 mins away by bus.

Op, separation isn’t a step on pathway to divorce as such. Nor is a a break form which you can reconcile.

it is normally used where a couple want to break the marriage up but don’t want divorce for religious or other spepcifc reasons. Alternatelively it is used by spouses to avoid going straight into a full legal financial disclosure to get their finances sorted to a preferential place before that legal declaration.

a wise person would at this stage “no” to a separation and immedately being a divorce petition. That will initiate the financial agreement process and child care agreement.

in meantime agree to nothing about child care or finances. Refuse to discuss until full legal financial disclosure has been done by him. Get as much evidience as you can re your finances on both sides.

go to “advice now “ link on top of divorce talk board and read their guides on what the process is, what “fair settlement” is, and the legal declaration forms

remeber even after you have had the petition registered you have a 26 “cooling off “ period in law where you can stop the divorce if you did reconcile.

he is merely playing semantics with you in calling it “separation”. Protect yourself by formalising this with starting the petition. You can do this on line, yourself, with no help form solicitor needed. Indeed the government site was set up to avoid need for solicitors. It’ll cost you around £550 , but this cost can be offset by him, who instigated the split, in a future settlment.

Don’t run immediately to solicitors. People will tell you to. Arm yourself with knowledge first around how fair settlement works, the process and use solicitors judiciously for specific tasks you need them for …

sorry to agree with others, if he wanted a trial break he’d have used that term. He wouldn’t have said it isn’t your business what he does now. He’s using word seperately to stall a full blown divorce agreement to protect his interests. Don’t fall into that. Start the formal process, refuse to discuss finances until he’s done a full financial disclosure (you will need to as well) , agree to nothing, put nothing in writing, until that point and he is fully engaged in a formal divorce process.

Of course you can't control where he lives.
You are separated.
I presume you will have to think about where you are moving to, if the house is sold.
He won't be able to dictate where you live, and you can't dictate where he lives.

Is he going to spend all your savings on rent then ask for a divorce?

you need to talk about finances and the childcare. The distance of his home is a red herring.

I'm afraid this isn't up to you OP. I wouldn't be doing any drop offs for contact time though.

💐

It will get better. Hang in there.

So he wants to use your joint savings to house himself? I agree with others that I think your marriage is over. All finances need to be separated asap. I don't think there's any coming back from this. Discuss how he will meet his childcare commitments, apply for maintenance through cms and contact a lawyer.

He says it's none of my concern now where he lives and he'll be the one travelling so it's up to him.

He’s correct and neither of you can tell the other what to do.

AIBU to be upset about this?

Of course not and it’s understandable that this is a difficult time for you.

Yeah, hard no to using the joint savings for his rent. Take your half of the joint savings now, OP. Before he's taken the lot.

If he is involved in these things then he knows how far he will be and what time it will take him though.

Yet more posters making things up based on absolutely nothing

Not your decisions on where he lives or what he does with his life. I think you should take this as it being a separation rather than a trial separation.

Maybe he’s using his salary for his rent and the op needs savings to continue to pay her bills. Is it ok if he takes half?

Are you saying the OP should take the lot?

It's difficult to say whether that would be reasonable or not without knowing more about their financial set up, but the least she should do is take half.

some savings which could fund two households for a year while we figure out finances
It sounds like you know this is over, not a trial, otherwise you wouldn't need to figure out finances. You're wanting what I feel is usually best for the kids, if both parents are local, but where he lives or whether he does bedtimes or school pick ups is no longer something you have any say in. You can't make him parent if he's decided to he only wants to be an EOW parent. My XH moved 25 minutes drive away and combined with DCs extracurriculars, sports training and his refusal to take them to anything on school nights it means he's a much much smaller part of their lives than he was 12 months ago. Its shit, but it's his choice. Tell him you need to sit down and work out some initial arrangements for your DD. He should be having her overnight from the get go, showing her she's still an important part of his life.

No I’m saying that between them if they’ve agreed to use savings to fund 2 households, it wouldn’t be fair for one party to then take half

Sorry OP, but it seems like this is not a ‘trial’ separation for him. It’s the first stage towards your divorce. I would not be surprised if there is already an other women, and that he is trying to put some time in between your separation and introducing his new girlfriend who he will claim to have met since you have separated.

Do you own your current house? I would advise you to speak to a solicitor asap, if he’s been planning this for a while then he will most likely have his ducks in a row already, you need to catch up so that you are not at a disadvantage regarding the financial settlement.

You are right to raise the immediate practicalities regarding your daughter, especially as you suggest that he currently has certificate days where he does school pick ups. Hopefully he will still continue to do this and look after your daughter at his new flat. But you need to discuss this asap to ensure that you both (and your daughter) know exactly what the routine will be.

Some people are suggesting that you’re controlling to be annoyed, but I actually think you have every right to be. Imagine a mum of a 5 year old just deciding to up and move to a one bedroom flat 25 minutes away, knowing that there is another parent there to pick up the slack, I doubt that she would be viewed favourably on mn!

It doesn't sound like "they" have agreed on anything.

He is the one who has initiated the split. The OP will need her half to pay her legal fees when they divorce.

YABU- it is none of your concern and you must start to try to get your head around your new relationship for him as it will help both of you heal.

Think of him as a cousin- he owes you nothing but you will always be related due to your child.

You can not impact or dictate anything to him- you need to negotiate and co parent in a way that suits you both.

You can't punish him for leaving or have amy control over how he lives his life, he wanted out which is always ok, just as it would be if you left.

It is impossibly hard to get your head around in the early days but for the sake of your long term relationship and co parenting, it is necessary.

Hope that helps,

If he's 45 minutes away by bus, how is he going to help in cases of emergency ie you can't make school pick up? It does sound as if he's putting some distance from being a family man. Whether you are together or not, it's less than ideal when you're parenting together. But it appears he's made his mind up, so I wouldn't question it and let him deal with the logistics. Just don't pick up his slack...

The hurt and feeling upset aren't unreasonable, however you feel over this is valid. Wanting a say in where he moves is understandable because of how much it effects you, but its not actually something it's reasonable for you to have a say in.

@janiejonstone

Agree with other posters saying it sounds like for him this is a more permanent arrangement.

ive been there and know how blindsided you feel. Ex also moved far away. As it happens nearer his affair
partner.

ime he will be at least a few steps ahead and you have to catch up fast. It’s hard. I also felt in this limbo and my advise is turn away from him and focus on you and your dc.

You can ask about practicalities. That’s sensible. And think about what contact is best for your dc. And what that looks like.

I also suggest thinking about financial arrangements sooner than later.

I agree

Yeah, this. I don't know any men who really want a trial separation. Once they want to separate, they've checked out.

OP this is permanent and he likely already has some one else. This is why he is moving away so you don’t see her if you ‘pop round’

Protect Your finances. Get it arranged that he will be paying child maintenance from the moment he leaves.

If your money is in a joint account move it

Absolutely with the few steps ahead. Nothing shocks me anymore. I never realised how conniving my ex was. That’s what broke me because I’d been a nieve idiot