Conflict between husband and son

[MHnursingmama]

So, I have a son from a previous marriage and a younger son, aged 5 with my current husband. In recent years there have been tensions between my older son and husband. My son, who is now 18 refuses to keep his room clean, pick up after himself in general and can be disrespectful towards my husband. There is constant arguments over the same things, with the general untidiness of my son and its really starting to get me Down. My son feels like my husband is always having a to and doesn't like him and is nitpicking over little things. I don't know what to do and I feel stuck in the middle.
For context my son doesn't smoke, take drugs and hardly drinks. He Is at college and working and has a lovely girlfriend.
Any advice? I know it might sound like q trivial issue but it's really starting to wear me down. Tia x

Lazy?? Sorry but the kid does more work than me!!! He's in full time education and working. Yes he's probably abit tired when he's not doing that but who wouldn't be?

The thing is that he does go in there when the door is shut, he has gone in their in the past actively looking for stuff he could pull him up for
On the other hand my son has been known to have the odd plate or item of cutlery In his room

Yeah, your husband is a dickhead.

Your DH needs to quit his sergeant major approach.
Try and be the calm speak with them separately.
Don't get annoyed by either of them.
Tell your son what you told us that you have a stressful job and would just like calm at home and if he carry's on leaving his room in a tip then he can't have friends or girlfriend round and that's a rule from now on , see how that goes but send his friends and gf home if its messy or he has pots or they could wait outside until it's done , just an idea , I had to do the same with my 17yr old and he works and goes to college.

There needs to be a compromise.

Your son can keep his room as messy as he wants - if he wants to live like a pig then that’s on him.

But he should bring down plates and cutlery and clean up after himself in the rest of the home.

I can’t believe some of the responses here, your DH has known your son since 6, presumably brought him up and provided for him since then but god forbid he expects a nearly adult to pick up after themselves. I expect my 12 year to pick up after himself and if my OH requested the same I would back him up, they need to have some respect for the house they live in that is provided for them. Your DS should know what’s expected of them and if they don’t do it then they deserve to be shouted at. My son is suspected ADHD and has to be told a million times but I expect him to do as I ask.

Employ a cleaner to do his room. Charge him for it.

Based on this alone I think your son sounds like the problem. His "step dad" has been in his life for double the amount of time that he hasn't so he is very entitled to have expectations like a bio dad, your son is an ADULT, stop babying him and make him pull his finger out his ass. ADHD like ASD has a spectrum and if he isn't taking meds that help him then as an adult he needs to suffer the consequences and either man up or move out.

He shouldn’t be going into his room looking for things! The odd plate or cup is normal for that age, he needs to chill

My son not only did this , but when I cleaned the house I'd leave the Hoover / duster etc outside his room - and he'd clean his own room. From the age of 11 - he's nearly 30 and has long this moved out.

I know I may be at an
adverse position to everyone here but I'm one of those people who does not think cleanliness is a trivial issue. It's a sign of respect to those you live with.

Your DH is OCD, and OTT, and has unrealistic requirements for a person with ADHD - untidy mind, untidy bedroom 😂.
More seriously though your DH is out of order, it's non of his business, and he most definitely should not be going in his room to critique it. It's an invasion of his privacy.
My DS is 20, he is in charge of his own bedroom, has been for years, and yes at times, it has been a shit tip. I only go in after knocking to ask him something. Funnily enough, he bought a new dartboard not long ago and put it up - totally fine by me. Your DH is the problem here. Your DS sounds lovely, if a little untidy, which goes with the teratory of ADHD. He studies and works, doesn't drink or do drugs - that is good going, the rest is small stuff.

Mine are ND as well, which is why I try to make it only a weekly nag session, rather than daily. I’ve found that I leave it, it gets out of control and then they feel overwhelmed - and it makes their ADHD/ASD worse - so I try to break the cycle each week. I will start to clean it up ‘with them’ (bring the laundry basket in, bring a bin bag and the hoover up). Strangely they tend to be grateful afterwards and I’ve found they are gradually getting into the habit of tidying up more often. The ADHD etc means they procrastinate/lose track of time, get absorbed in homework/gaming/books and don’t realise that although they meant to do it, they’ve run out of time. So although your son is 17 (mine are 19 and 16, clever etc) he may still need some support and gentle structure/guidance.

Re your DH - I find my DH goes through phases of being a bit of an arse with them - bit of work stress spilling over, worries over bills/job that makes him a bit, well, wankery about the kids not looking after the stuff he provides etc. And unreasonable expectations, given the ASD/ADHD, in that he doesn’t really get it. I’m the expert, not him.

As others have said, I would talk to both separately - and ask them both to take a moment to consider how the other feels/what might be going on in their lives that makes them stressy/dickish (and, yes, it’s normal to be those things from time to time)… and ask them what they can do to make things easier for each other. Perhaps 30mins tidying his room together once a week would help, maybe the two of them going out for a beer one night a week, to connect as adult blokes outside the house?

It is really normal for two men to rub up against each other at this point - you’ve a young adult male in the house trying to work out where he fits now he’s no longer a kid, and - if anything like my kids - a weird mix of older/wiser for his years whilst also being incredibly young/naive. The ADHD makes this point of his life extra complicated. Rubbish to have to always be the negotiator and peacemaker, but if this fails - bang their heads together!

Isn't the point of medication for ADHD, to help the person with it feel better, and cope easier, not for those around to feel better? Your perspective might be that he's easier to manage, but if he's the one not feeling right when on it, I don't think it's fair to push it, he has a right to decide for himself.

Stop babying your son. ADHD or not as an adult male he needs to learn to clean and tidy after himself.
If you don’t sort it now you’re passing the problem onto his future wife.

Hello dear, I was in the same place as you. My son was not cleaning his room making mess every where and been disrespect to me and my husbund. What I did is I spoke to him to follow the rule in the house as he is an adult and to start contributing if not he has to leave my house. You are the one who is suffering graying to make everyone happy. So just know you are not alone its in most house hold sending you love 😇

It can be a huge issue for us with ADHD. We have issues with executive dysfunction. The way to learn is not an NT way but in an ADHD way on how to do it. Otherwise, it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It might fit your typical shape but it doesn't fit into ours. Our brains do not work like yours.

I am a woman in late 30s. I wasn't diagnosed until last year. I'm not lazy but it would probably appear to others that I am. There are ways of working with it and those are best applied. No amount of nagging and shouting would help.

I posted previously on this thread about what helps. I do agree he needs to do it but I see the lad is working and studying. I would be burned out by that as well. It's hard juggling it all and I'm an adult. I don't often know how NT people manage without burning out every other day. Not being to focus is a bitch.

Stepdad sounds like an arsehole. Going into your son's room trying to find fault! Maybe you feel uncomfortable with how uptight he is.

I think your son has a point about stepdad always looking for something negative to say.

People with ADHD get a lot more criticism than those without too, typically, which is partly why so many end up with self esteem issues.

Maybe count for the next week how many positive/ nice / complimentary / supportive things your DH says to or does for your son, or even moments of real connection, vs how many negative things.

I can't help thinking that if it wasn't the room clenliness then it would be something else, he is just irritated by your son, and wants him gone.

All the more important he is taught now than for his future wife to deal with the burden.
Cleanliness is actually a life skill.
The message should be consistent from both parents.

It also can’t be good for his mental to live in an untidy place.

So now being lazy and a stroppy teenager is because they all might have/have SN.
I've heard it all now I honestly despair of some people on here.

Who said that, the ops son does have adhd

The op said it herself on her second post. No assumptions have been made.

I do actually agree with you. I just meant shouting and nagging won't work. I'd do it in a way that works with the ND brain. There are many self help links online and apps to help. I use music personally.

If he left a mess in the spaces he shared with his wife (bedroom, living room etc) then yes. If his own space- a shed, his home office wherever was an absolute tip then I think the advice would be let him sit in his tip if he likes it. The teenage boy's bedroom is his space- I don't think there is anything wrong with nagging younger children to keep their rooms clean. But by 18 it is kind of up to them, so long as it isn't a health hazard, spreading through the house or badly affecting their mental health. I do think its better for teenagers own mental state/happiness to keep their spaces tidy and have pride - but though you can encourage them its also better if the incentive comes from them.

Cleaners clean. They don't usually tidy (how would they know where to put stuff.)