Conflict between husband and son

[MHnursingmama]

So, I have a son from a previous marriage and a younger son, aged 5 with my current husband. In recent years there have been tensions between my older son and husband. My son, who is now 18 refuses to keep his room clean, pick up after himself in general and can be disrespectful towards my husband. There is constant arguments over the same things, with the general untidiness of my son and its really starting to get me Down. My son feels like my husband is always having a to and doesn't like him and is nitpicking over little things. I don't know what to do and I feel stuck in the middle.
For context my son doesn't smoke, take drugs and hardly drinks. He Is at college and working and has a lovely girlfriend.
Any advice? I know it might sound like q trivial issue but it's really starting to wear me down. Tia x

I think you and your husband just have differing views of what is acceptable in fairness OP. You say you don't sweat the small stuff but your DH does, but there are no set rules on what the 'small stuff' is, that sort of thing is different for every household, but you and your husband are the ones who decide, your son can't just opt out of being considerate to other members of the family.

My son says he feels that no matter what he does my husband will find something to have a go at him for

Do you feel like that is what is happening, or do you think there is some truth in what your husband is saying? It seems from your replies that you know there is some truth to what your husband is saying but you're at a loss as to fix it because you can't/don't want to make your son do the things that he should be doing, and you can't stop your DH getting angry about it, so you're burying your head in the sand.. as you've found out, that doesn't work, it will just escalate and end up with them hating each other.

You need to sit down with your husband and hash out between you what the house rules should be, and if your son can't stick to those, then the repercussions should be coming from both of you equally, try and reach a compromise of what's important and what's not so bad and what can be legitimately attributed to his adhd etc.. it's not fair for one person to be the bad guy all the time, I bet your DH hates having to tell him all the time, feeling like he's talking to a brick wall, you may find if you step up a bit more then DH will automatically back off a bit more, you need to get back to being a team.

But definitely stop jumping to defend your son if you think he is lazy and messy and disrespectful.. it is not doing him any favours in the long run. Your response to the 'he's having a go at me!' line should be: 'yes, because you're treating this place like a hotel which is disrespectful to us both, stop doing that and we'll stop having a go at you about it'.

At 18 he should be picking up after himself. Who does he expect to do it for him, you, his girlfriend?
I hate being piggy in the middle though it's awful.

Thanks. I will try and take this on board reference trying to set house rules. I don't feel like I'm burying my head in the sand though, I'm just exhausted by it. I've tried so many different approaches to try and mediate the situation and nothing seems to work. In response to your question I do feel like my husband has very high and exacting standards to the point that sometimes even i feel uncomfortable in my own home, my husband was raised by a very strict father and they seem to have some genetic predisposition to being uptight and stern, tbh his attitude does extend to other things with my son, for example todays argument was because my son has drilled a hole in his bedroom wall to put his dart board up!. My view is that him having a messy room is only hurting himself and in the grand scheme of things it could be a lot worse. I kmow some parents who have issues with drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancy etc so it could be a lot worse!
I do get angry about him making a mess in the house because we already work are arses off and i don't want to be cleaning up his mess!

i don’t really think the fact he’s a step dad is relevant
this is an argument and situation in many households can relate to it myself when kids leaving shit everywhere and the problem with saying there room there space is all well and good till the smell of it greets u 1/2 way up stairs

So it does sound like a bit of both, no wonder you're struggling, you're husband is too picky, but your son is also making a mess and being disrespectful at times.

Maybe talk to your son as well, and say you will only defend him up to a certain point, if he is leaving his mess everywhere and purposely being lazy/selfish towards other people in the house, you're not going to defend him at all, and you'll be putting house rules in place going forward for the basics, (if there was some effective consequences for his actions even better)

Same with your husband, say you will 100% back him up on certain house rules/consequences if he climbs down on some of the issues that you think are OTT, otherwise what's the point, it's not his way or the highway, he's not the boss of everyone, his standards are making everyone miserable.

Maybe at some point have a whole house meeting and try and clear the air a little bit too, do you guys do anything together at all? Sometimes when you work, come home, messy house, awful atmosphere, feeling unappreciated, rinse and repeat it becomes so hard just to be nice to each other when there's so much tension and resentment. If you have something you can do together, or they can do together away from it all, it may help to get them talking properly and enjoying each others company as people, or do you think they may be a bit too far gone for that now?

If your husband is up for it, get that dartboard somewhere in the house that you can all play on it together?

I don't really have any useful advice. I was in a similar ish situation with similar ish aged kids and we ended up divorcing. We are all now much happier apart. There were other issues with ex DP - I had fallen out of love with him but for me I'd pick DS every time, rightly or wrongly.

I don't see why, at 18, DS is required to keep his bedroom tidy to please his step father. Presumably the step dad has no reason to be going in there so why is it his business? Just tell DS to keep the door shut so step dad doesn't have to see the mess, problem solved.

Obviously it's different if he's leaving mess in communal areas or hoarding plates in his bedroom.

The thing is that he does go in there when the door is shut, he has gone in their in the past actively looking for stuff he could pull him up for
On the other hand my son has been known to have the odd plate or item of cutlery In his room

Your husband is trying to have it both ways. You can't demand that someone behaves as an adult then treat them as a child.

DS wants to live in a tip, let him.

Most teenagers do the same, just shut the door.

If your husband is going in looking for mess he is bullying your son, put a lock on the door for your DS.

He is 18, he needs some privacy.

I wouldn't be happy if my child drilled a hole in the wall to hang a dartboard, and I'd certainly not be happy if said wall then gets peppered by lot of tiny holes if the darts miss the board.

At 18, your son should be keeping his room clean and tidy. If he wants to live in a mess, he can do that in his own home.

So, does your son have a point OP? Would your husband always find a reason to have a go at him?

The only real resolution here is for both of them to sit down like adults and talk it through.

This is a tough one, I would

set your house roules, talk to your son about what standards of cleanliness you expect, does he have chores around the house?
for my dcs rules are no food & drinks other than water upstairs (unless ill), beds made in the morning, laundry in the washing baskets, toys/ stuff we are not using atm put away

speak to your husband about respecting your sons privacy and not going in this room, what house rules have been set and to back off a little

good luck

Your son's room is his own responsibility. Your husband nor you should go into the room without permission, however
A friend used to gather her children's stuff and put it in their bed. They soon learned to put things away. This might help.

Just to give you a slightly different perspective, I don't think this is a step issue.

My DSS lives with us and is nearly 20. I had countless arguments a few years back as DH would nag at him about his room being messy, leaving stuff around the house etc.

Does your DH really go in his room to find mess or is it because there are glasses, plates, cutlery stacking up in there?

I used to say I didn't sweat the small stuff but it would piss me off if I got home from work and he hadn't ran vac round or empty dishwasher.

DSS also doesn't do drugs etc. Doesn't mean he needs a maid though. Not being unruly doesn't mean a right to be slovenly.

Things changed for us once we agreed certain house rules.

You don't want us in your room moaning about mess fine. Don't make me have to go in there to find stuff. We certainly wouldn't allow holes to be drilled without asking permission.

DSS wanted to be treated like an adult so he had to start acting like one and actually having chores that he would do before he had to be nagged. Now he works himself things are loads better as he understands what it's like to be at work all day and then come home and have to do chores. Also he is quite anal about his room now himself.

Things can get better but all 3 of you need to agree some ground rules and you should expect you DS and DH to respect each other

This is nature. It actually shows your son and husband have a very good relationship, a natural one. This happens when another male reaches manhood. Nature has a way of making sons go out into the world and have their own family and one of them is usually friction between two males in a family unit. He's not your baby anymore, you really don't need to parent him in many ways any longer. He needs to move out and take his own place in the world and build his own family. He'll no longer need you, he'll want you for hard times in his life that he can go to no one but his mother for, but he doesn't need you any more than he needs the friction he comes across in your home.
Time to let him go.
I guarantee you that once he's out on his own, your husband and his relationship will blossom in new ways that will last forever.

My ds is 20 and is not like you describe. Nor are his friends. I’m not in the UK but why would they not be expected to pick up after themselves, why should someone else do it for them?

I disagree with most. I don't think tidy room is asking too much.

A bit of both. Tell Dh to back off. Tell ds1 to show respect, to you, by doing the basics.

Rubbish - you have no idea how DH feels about DS. It’s two adult men locking horns.

I also lose my shit when my own kids don’t clean up after themselves/have bins overflowing/dirty clothes on floor - I pay for it, spent a fortune decorating their rooms and buying their clothes, they can bloody well clean it up when I ask them to. I don’t expect it to be pristine all the time, but if I’ve asked them need to do it I expect it to be done. And no, it isn’t because I don’t love them, it’s about respecting the things people give you and have worked for, it about showing respect for the people you share a home with.

But, like I said, it’s not a continual nag, just a once a week ‘tidy it up now’ thing and we were very relaxed during exams - I am going to guess DS has just finished A Levels/equivalent if he’s 18, so in this case, @MHnursingmama I would take the middle path. Ask DH to back away for a week, and then separately ask DS if he could make an effort to clean up.

You should be the one telling your son to pull his weight around the house not your husband.

I can see your husbands point of view about being frustrated with your son being lazy and you not being more strict on him. He’s 18 not a baby. Don’t set your son up to be a lazy adult who expects his wife to do everything for him.

His room, his choice. As long as it isn't unhygienic - most 18 year old boys are untidy.
Is your 5 year old the tidiest child in humanity? I bet not. Does DH have a go at him for not putting things away? Doubt it.
Red flags here. Poor lad.

This!

my 18 year old kept his room really lovely, plus didn’t just mess up the rest of the house and leave it to others

I was just about to say this. My DH is a Dad to my kids (who are not biologically his). He’s (jointly) raised them, cleaned up their vomit, paid for their upkeep, helped them with their homework, sat with them in A&E, given them lifts all over the country, attended their school events and parents’ evenings, and given them deposits to buy a house. That gave him the right to give them a bollocking when they were taking the piss. He’s their Dad.

For the record my DD’s bedroom is a biohazard and I’m always nagging her about it. It’s perfectly normal family dynamics.

Tell your husband in no uncertain terms to give your son a break and back off. The kids in full time college and working. OP congratulations on raising a decent son! Yes he's disrespectful to your DH but really he's probably disrespectful to him too. If he starts talking better to him treating him like an adult and saying I know your really busy with work and college but if you could just keep your room abit tidier I'd really appreciate it.

My husband and son had issues and things became alot better once dad started talking to son abit better. This will push your son away OP. have a serious discussion with husband about this, if he can't talk to him respectfully then he shouldn't speak to him at all about his room or anything else related to rules and discipline.

I struggle with chores too and I have ADHD. I think you have plenty of advice on what to do in the situation.

However a couple of things that may help your son. ADHD couple on Instagram have an app called DUBBII. It acts as a body double for when doing chores as this is a way to help when the executive dysfunction kicks in.
My second one that helps is to play fast, exciting music with a beat and I do a silly dance to get the dopamine stoked. That helps with the task focusing.

To the people that don't know, we aren't lazy. What happens is our brains puts extra steps in for chores so instead of being a molehill, it suddenly becomes a moutain. Look up the tooth brush analogy.

No amount of shaming is going to help your son be tidier. It just makes us feel worse and we've been shamed all of our lives. If he find its hard to put clothes away, instead of hanging it up maybe have plastic tubs with labels on in his bedroom so it's easier to throw in and tidy away. Use the dubbi app. Tell him to use timers too for each task. There are many ways to work with ADHD and it is neurodivergence. I too am unmedicated but I do take responsibility for myself. I don't always manage 100%. But these things make life a bit easier. I find putting my chunky headphones on amplifies the music and makes me want to do it as it keeps my brain engaged and excited.

I've heard of the analogy do you expect to run a car on empty fuel. No? Then you wouldn't expect your brain to. Dopamine is something we produce just like NT people but it trickles through. So we need something to excite and engage it which helps with the task initiation. Dopamine helps with our impulsitivity, our decision making, our problem solving and practicality and our focus.

If music doesn't excite him then a podcast or something he can listen to whilst doing these things. Give him a deadline of when to do each task. We work good with deadlines but don't overload him. It's one task at a time.

Good luck to you op