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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't ok is it?

88 replies

IamaRevenant · 14/06/2024 09:11

I feel like on my relationship I've lost all concept of what's ok. Can someone tell me if this is normal/ok?

I've just been in hospital for 5 days for a chronic illness so I'm aware I'm not looking my best. This morning I hugged my husband and he looked at my face and said 'look at how beautiful you aren't'

Is this ok? A joke? I'm already feeling quite fragile so I don't trust myself to make a judgement call. He's acting like what he said was fine

OP posts:
RickyGervaislovesdogs · 14/06/2024 11:39

I think there’s joking, sarcasm and then kicking someone when they’re down. It’s a really mean thing to say to someone who has been so unwell. It’s something we might say to eachother then laugh, hug , kiss. From the way you describe it, I think he was just being a cunt.

SnowFrogJelly · 14/06/2024 11:51

He probably thought it was funny

ErrolTheDragon · 14/06/2024 12:05

SnowFrogJelly · 14/06/2024 11:51

He probably thought it was funny

... it was not said jokingly. He said it, pulled a grimace and then turned away from me in the bed.

Nah. And if he did think it was 'funny', it's still utterly shitty.

MILTOBE · 14/06/2024 12:12

Let this be your turning point. If it's not, what would he have to do to make you leave him?

It sounds as though everyone would support you. You're supporting this man financially and he treats you like this. Get a good divorce lawyer and get rid of him.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 14/06/2024 12:19

Your husband's comment is definitely not OK. When you are ill, you need your partner to be kind and supportive, even if you don't look your best. Commenting negatively on your appearance in that situation is rude, and cruel.

DingDongWitchDingDong · 14/06/2024 12:27

You need to lose weight.

Whatever dead weight he is...

ClairDeLaLune · 14/06/2024 12:42

IamaRevenant · 14/06/2024 10:03

Sorry it came across that way. I'm being self deprecating. I don't know why I'm in this relationship. He's been abusive (to the point of spending a night in the cells twice).

I'm just so disappointed in myself. I'm really strong at work (I'm a lawyer and my job is basically negotiating hard) but I'm so weak at home.

I'm just trying to work out why I'm so pathetic tbh.

Show quote history

OP please leave him. You deserve so much better. An abusive man will never improve, he’ll become more abusive and you could be in danger. Please enlist the help of your friends and family to leave him.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 14/06/2024 12:52

IamaRevenant · 14/06/2024 09:33

Ha. He has a tiny penis and is asexual. He's not a catch, I don't know why I've stayed

Show quote history

So why does he think he deserves someone who pays all the bills and looks glamorous in all situations? Somebody needs a reality check I think.

Original poster
IamaRevenant · 14/06/2024 14:08

I really don't know what to do. He's taken my keys from me and I have no food. I need to go to the shop but I'm basically locked in. Should I call the police?

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 14/06/2024 14:22

IamaRevenant · 14/06/2024 14:08

I really don't know what to do. He's taken my keys from me and I have no food. I need to go to the shop but I'm basically locked in. Should I call the police?

What!Shock

Yes, sounds like police may be apt, although if you've friends or relatives nearby you should call them too.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 14/06/2024 14:31

IamaRevenant · 14/06/2024 14:08

I really don't know what to do. He's taken my keys from me and I have no food. I need to go to the shop but I'm basically locked in. Should I call the police?

Yes, if you are locked into your house or anywhere else where you do not want to stay, you should ring the police. Nobody has the right to do that to another adult (unless there is a court order or an order under the Mental Health Act).

Glitterypolishedturd · 14/06/2024 14:51

Oh heck, he really is a piece of work isn't he?! I think calling the police is entirely reasonable. Perhaps they could offer some pointers on how to safely leave him too

rainfordays · 14/06/2024 14:56

Oh wow. You need to get rid of him today, no excuses allowed from either of you, he is not your problem, let him sort himself out like a grown man. You do not deserve any of this type of treatment. If you are locked in and don't know when he will be back (and suspect this is malicious, controlling behaviour rather than a genuine mistake), yes call the police. You need to be safe.

LauderSyme · 14/06/2024 15:09

Yes call the police if you haven't done so already. Nobody has the right to do this to you or anyone.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 14/06/2024 15:19

IamaRevenant · 14/06/2024 14:08

I really don't know what to do. He's taken my keys from me and I have no food. I need to go to the shop but I'm basically locked in. Should I call the police?

What the fuck? Phone the police. And get this guy out of your life, ideally with police assistance.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/06/2024 15:22

Yes, call the police. It's really shocking how he's treating you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/06/2024 15:23

Has he done that before with the keys? Do you have children?

Glitterypolishedturd · 14/06/2024 19:15

How are you getting on OP?

5128gap · 14/06/2024 20:21

C1N1C · 14/06/2024 09:49

Yeah, but that's the sort of relationship we have... It would be more with the tone "God, you look disgusting... lets get you home into a nice bath and freshen you up"

Hospitals are like long-haul flights... no-one comes out of them looking good.

That's what I mean, tone is important.

But to be honest, after OP's "Ha. He has a tiny penis and is asexual. He's not a catch, I don't know why I've stayed" - I think they're as bad as each other. His comment could have been jokey, her comment, no.
Imagine if it was "I just spent time in a hospital and when I came out, my wife said I looked awful... I'm not sure whether that was a joke or not, but she's all stretched-out down there and doesn't put out, so I don't know why I've stayed anyway."

I was optimistically on the fence with maybe it was a joke initially. Yeah, bad as each other.

Show quote history

No they're not. If OP had made her comment to him while he was lying hospitalised instead of on an anonymous forum to strangers where he will be none the wiser, then it would be comparable. She didn't. So it's not.

PrimaDoner · 14/06/2024 20:22

What a horrible person he is.

It’s a horrible thing to say.

Hope you’re feeling better soon x

WinkyTinky · 15/06/2024 14:31

Are you ok @IamaRevenant ??

Original poster
IamaRevenant · 15/06/2024 17:05

WinkyTinky · 15/06/2024 14:31

Are you ok @IamaRevenant ??

I'm OK. Thank you everyone. I'm moving out tomorrow. Just worried about sorting out a place to live...

OP posts:
Thisoldheartofmine · 15/06/2024 18:21

Well done on your decision.I wish you all the luck in the world.
Keep strong, be proud of yourself and hold your head high.Flowers

ToxicChristmas · 15/06/2024 21:01

So pleased for you! Let us know how you get on -you've made a great decision.

Original poster
IamaRevenant · 17/06/2024 13:02

Thanks again everyone. He's just sent a really vindictive email to my new boss, basically saying I'm mentally unwell and he's having to look after me (bollocks). And posted on Facebook that I'm a dog. Now blocked. Thank you for helping me see the reality of how bad this is. I really struggle to trust myself, so it is appreciated x

OP posts:
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