This isn't ok is it?

[IamaRevenant]

I feel like on my relationship I've lost all concept of what's ok. Can someone tell me if this is normal/ok?

I've just been in hospital for 5 days for a chronic illness so I'm aware I'm not looking my best. This morning I hugged my husband and he looked at my face and said 'look at how beautiful you aren't'

Is this ok? A joke? I'm already feeling quite fragile so I don't trust myself to make a judgement call. He's acting like what he said was fine

Of course you can do better - and no partner would be better than a negative one.
You say you're dependent, but it doesn't sound like this is someone you can depend on so what's the point of him?

oops, wrong reply

No it is not ok - he's a twat and you are clearly seeing his true colours

Glad it sounds like you will have support from family & friends to leave him - you know you need to!

I joke with my partner too but not when I know they have just got out of hospital and are feeling fragile/ill as the OP says. I dont find that funny at all, I think it's absolutely horrible.

There is a line you dont cross with jokes where you know someone would find something hurtful- she has found it hurtful and he hasn't even said sorry. Doesnt sound like there's any love there at all from him, in fact it sounds like he couldn't give a toss about her whatsoever.

Yeah, but that's the sort of relationship we have... It would be more with the tone "God, you look disgusting... lets get you home into a nice bath and freshen you up"

Hospitals are like long-haul flights... no-one comes out of them looking good.

That's what I mean, tone is important.

But to be honest, after OP's "Ha. He has a tiny penis and is asexual. He's not a catch, I don't know why I've stayed" - I think they're as bad as each other. His comment could have been jokey, her comment, no.
Imagine if it was "I just spent time in a hospital and when I came out, my wife said I looked awful... I'm not sure whether that was a joke or not, but she's all stretched-out down there and doesn't put out, so I don't know why I've stayed anyway."

I was optimistically on the fence with maybe it was a joke initially. Yeah, bad as each other.

He is a piece of shit. You can do so much better x

I don't think any of us know why you've stayed!

Seriously, he's a waste of space.

Yeah, but that's the sort of relationship we have- note the word "we" here- meaning he's fine with it too. She clearly isnt.

If you know your partner finds something hurtful and you carry on doing it (she said he's always doing this) then you are a grade A cunt. There is zero debate about that.

Use this as a wake up call, listen to your friends and family, and to your own gut and end the relationship.

She didn't say that to him though, @C1N1C , at a point of vulnerability. Huge difference!

Sorry it came across that way. I'm being self deprecating. I don't know why I'm in this relationship. He's been abusive (to the point of spending a night in the cells twice).

I'm just so disappointed in myself. I'm really strong at work (I'm a lawyer and my job is basically negotiating hard) but I'm so weak at home.

I'm just trying to work out why I'm so pathetic tbh.

No, he's a cunt. What a horrible thing to say. 💐

For people talking about tone, it was not said jokingly. He said it, pulled a grimace and then turned away from me in the bed.

I have a sense of humour and usually this would be fine but this was not said humoursly

@IamaRevenant

Apologies from me too :) - based on your first comments, I was erring on optimistic. My wife and I are fitness buffs and we'll frequently say the other looks gross etc after runs. Even when she was in the hospital (depression/suicide), I actually probably did make a comment like your partner did, but more in a "you look horrible, lets run you a bath, make you some tea" sort of tone, hence the 'maybe it was read wrong' from my side.

After your last post though (cells, abuse etc), I don't think he was joking and I agree with all the other posters! You sound like you're putting waaaay more in than you're receiving!

I'm just trying to work out why I'm so pathetic tbh.

@IamaRevenant please don't call yourself pathetic. You have been accepting of his behaviour because he has trained you to do so. You now know it's not okay and you have the power of MN behind you to find the strength to rid yourself of TP, as he is from hereonin known.

I'm just so disappointed in myself. I'm really strong at work (I'm a lawyer and my job is basically negotiating hard) but I'm so weak at home.

I'm just trying to work out why I'm so pathetic tbh.

Maybe you don't feel like you have the energy to work out how to get out of this unhealthy relationship? I'm going to guess he knows he's onto a good thing and won't go graciously. Fearing the ructions from someone who has a history of being abusive isn't 'pathetic', it's probably more like a (ultimately misguided) sense of self-preservation.

You might want to post on the Relationships board for advice on how to move on safely. Questions- do you have kids, is your home yours, his or jointly owned/rented?

Christ, if this relationship is like a long haul flight it's that one from Singapore to London where the passengers ended up seriously hurt.

I hope you find the strength to leave when you get better op. You're not pathetic, you've been abused and that messes with your head.

Oh wow. There's no way of spinning that so it's an ok thing to say.

You deserve better.

Oh OP. You're not pathetic at all.

I've been where you are and it can be really hard to see the abuse in the first place and hard to leave too. That is the nature of abusive relationships.

I'm glad you have realised it isn't right and have supportive friends and family.

You will feel so much better once you are away from this relationship.

I can't imagine a situation where I would say that to anyone, let alone to a partner who I was supposed to love and care about. Add in the fact you were just out of hospital and needing support it just seems cruel beyond belief. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life not detract from them.

I agree- anyone who thinks that is a "joke" is a really nasty piece of work. Most of us are fully aware we arent looking our best when just out of hospital so why the need to point it out as if we dont already know it?- its just cruel.

I hope you get out OP- this is clearly an abusive relationship and you deserve way better

Christ alive, there's nothing good here. Get out of this relationship.

I do know what you mean though, you're a professional person doing a tough job, but when you get in front of your abusive partner you go to bits. I feel like this.

But if you can find the strength, please get out OP.

Unless that was a jokey way of telling you that you had a trail of snot leaking from your nose and he got you a tissue, then he is a complete shit.

Had it been so obviously lighthearted you’d have said. So he’s a shit.

I hope you feel better soon

You know what to do. And don’t be so hard on yourself, treat yourself as you would a friend. Take care and good luck

You are not pathetic! You have been subjected to a very effective campaign of abuse designed to destroy your self image and self esteem for years.

I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. These entitled, abusive men make my blood boil.

Please do leave him. You deserve so much better.