Who is to fault? Muslim lifestyle.

[Meryemg]

Hi I am a married mother of 3 european citizen i met my muslim husband in hşs home country ıver 20 years ago he has alway been a practising Muslim and i converted after 5 years with him (non strict practice) we have always continued a very european lifestyle but been religious councious also. Recently 6 7 months ago he joined sufism which is a pathway to become closer to god he promised at the time it was to help his mental state(slightly depressed) but he within 6 months it has brought many changes to our lifestyle he no longer will wear shorts he gets up not only for obligatory prayer but extra too and spends at least 1 hour on each prayer he is constantly using his prayer beads and read around 1 hour of the quran a day we no longer watch films or listen to music oral sex became a problem more recently he has said he no longer wants to visit the beach as to see others sinful areas is a sin he isnt controlling of me in anyway and has always been a good husband father but i have told him this radical lifestyle isn't for me and he says it doesn't affect me and him being more religiously conscious doesent affect me it to do with him and i am to blame for the breakdown that is happening in our marraige for me all this is too much I like to live balanced between religion and enjoying the world here his has became a journey soley focused on the next life please someone advise I am wrong here ?

Of course it affects you! He has changed what he believes - how can he square respecting you with his beliefs on sin?

Is his family believing like he does - is he reverting to his upbringing or it is a depression response do you think ?

Doesn’t sound good. He has chosen to seek solace in something that will give him rules and direction. Up to you if you want to join him in following those rules. If you don’t there is no future for you.
Personally I don’t like religion for its tendency to give excuses for controlling women. Very telling that any issues are already your fault.
So. Join him or leave him.
Do you want a life with no music? Control by your husband and a medieval book?

You are not wrong

I'm not a Muslim but the fact is that the changes he has made ARE affecting you and your lifestyle

He's moved the goalposts and that must feel very unfair

I'm a Christian married to an atheist for 21 years but we have always agreed to keep a balanced life. It's not fair for 1 person in a partnership to make all the decisions and big changes need to be discussed together

Can you make a list of the changes and sit down with him to explain how it is impacting on you? He may still decide that's what he wants, but you don't have to go along with it just because he does

How old are dc and how is it affecting them?

Oh that's such a shame. You're not the one who has changed and everything he has changing is having a knock on effect on you. This isn't your fault at all.

He has a believing family but they are very balanced with it as he has always been he's always been a deep believer and always done his 5 obligation prayers but has now decided he wants to follow more strictly

I don't think either of you is really at "fault".
He has changed his view of religion in that he has become more serious about it and developed his faith to incorporate stricter view points and practices. But your view of religion has stayed the same so that religion is not central to your life but a part of it.
I think it is unreasonable of him to expect you to also change your religious views and just go along with the changes these are making to your life style. Religion is something that is very personal and no-one should dictate to other people about their beliefs. However as this is increasingly resulting in a different approach to everyday life this is now a real dilemma of incompatibility and you need to consider and discuss your future together.

Of course it affects you!

Our children are 15 13 and 10. Unfortunately when i approach it he says why should him not wearing shorts or going to the beach affect me its his personal choice and we end up getting hurtful through anger. İ love him and loved my life with him but do not want to feel like im in a marraige with the kind of lifestyle an imam would live I dşdnt choose that so feel it's not ok

Does he not see that him refusing to go to the beach affects the children? That is an activity they can no longer enjoy with their Dad

Also the extra time is spending on prayer (whilst his choice) does impact the amount of time he spends with his children

How religious are dc and how do they feel about these changes?

Remind him the muslim wedding vows he said included to be a 'helpful' husband - that is not happening currently...

You start off by asking who's at fault.
I think the best thing you can do is stop asking that question, because when you're assigning blame, you're not focussed on the actual problem. Which is that you are now leading incompatible lifestyles.

I'm an atheist myself so I can't relate to your husband wanting to be closer to God. But I'm sure he's going down this path because he feels this is where he needs to be. I doubt he has any ill intentions. He's just trying to find balance. I personally don't agree with the way he's doing that, but to each his own.

You on the other hand have converted for him, and probably wouldn't be a muslim now if you hadn't married a muslim. So obviously you've already made a lot of changes and compromises for him, and I understand completely not wanting to go even further.

So the way I see it, neither of you is wrong for wanting the lifestyle that you need at this time in your life. it just means that you've evolved in a way that just doesn't match anymore. And the only way forward is to both realise that, either find some new balance, or each go your own way. But him denying that there's a problem, isn't going to help anyone.

I think it’s no different than if he became enthused with any lifestyle, like becoming vegan, or one of those multiple marathon runners, or focused on his looks. He is exploring an interest to a degree you do not share. Of course it impacts you and I think it’s odd he can’t see that because it’s obvious. That said I don’t think he should have to change because you don’t like his new way of being. What you have to decide is if you want to be with him as he is now.

I think as he isn't expecting you or your children to also follow his new beliefs then you can live and let live surely?

OK he'll never take the kids to the beach again - but you can, and he can take them on other trips.

OK he'll never wear shorts again - so what.

I really don't think this us any kind of marriage breaker - as long as his new ways are not demanded on the rest of you.

I can see where you are coming from as this is not what you married into. He has more or less removed your choice if you would not have married someone who was already following Sufism. In that respect it is bound to have an impact because you now both have different belief systems.

If he had already been practicing radical views when you met then you would have had a choice if this is what you wanted to marry into. Unfortunately I feel he will not see his beliefs as the reason you are now on two different hymn sheets, so you have a difficult decision where no matter what happens you will be seen as the one with a problem, which is unfair.

You missed the part about music and films being banned too. And him checking out on family life to devote himself to his faith.

He’s free to do all this of course, but it’s very naive to think his new very puritanical approach to life won’t have a massive impact upon the family.

Presumably you can listen to music and watch films @Meryemg ? He just has decided he doesn’t want to.

You need to make a decision on whether this new version of your husband is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with- happily. If not you need to leave because there will be no compromise or consideration for how you feel once you accept the new terms. Personally if this were my situation, I would be gone along with the children because he will no doubt place expectations on them too the deeper into this rabbit hole he goes.

My biggest worry would be is this the thin edge of the wedge and is he going to start insisting you and your children live the way he is choosing.

@Blackcats7 I think all parents try to teach their children their religion or morality and how to live a “good life”. Of course he’s going to tell them what he believes. That doesn’t automatically mean he’s going to be controlling about it.

I don't see anything wrong with being religious or wanting to pursue it more.

However your DH is part of a family and his changes seem very much obsessed with himself and his needs, and conveniently a way to leave you doing all the parenting.

My understanding of Islam is that family is very important as is husbands being attentive to supporting their wives.

Which makes this all sound a lot less like personal religious journey and more like a standard midlife crisis.

Can Muslims not have oral sex??

You are not wrong to have a different perspective on your religion from that of your husband, and you do not have to accept a prohibition on activities you enjoy, such as films or days at the beach, for either yourself or your children.

What's this about oral sex!?!? He's not bloody banning that is he without consulting you, that would be a big problem in my house!!!
Shorts - whatever. Film and music?! That's an issue. The beach is an issue. I wouldn't want my kids growing up seeing that as normalised.

He's stopped them watching films and music....and it's early days

there is absolutely no ruling on oral sex
anal sex is permitted but discouraged

@Meryemg

firstly sufism isn't extreme or radical. your husband just wants to be more God conscious and that is his personal decision

he is not insisting that you do things differently, he wants to change himself. as long as it is not affecting how much he contributes in terms of parenting/household stuff. I don't really see the issue. unless I have read it wrong and he is changing how you lead your life?

also I am confused as music is integral to sufism, so why would he stop listening to music?

what he chooses to wear, if he doesn't want to go to the beach, if he doesn't consent to certain sexual activities - that is up to him. he is a human being, he is allowed to change his viewpoint with time, as are you. why are you being so controlling? if he wants to spend an hour at night praying, what's your problem? if he was spending an hour at night watching TV, and posted this thread, you would be told you were being controlling. but because you are the woman and your husband is a religous Muslim man, you are getting these responses.

if any woman had posted that they no longer wanted to do x y z sexual activity for whatever reason, the support would be universal. he doesn't owe you sex of any kind.

the bottom line is however that if you feel your beliefs and values no longer align, then you should re evaluate your relationship. maybe go for counselling?

also you could consider moving this to the Muslim mumsnetters board as a lot of the responses you will get here will not be based on any understanding of islam/sufism.