Who is to fault? Muslim lifestyle.

[Meryemg]

Hi I am a married mother of 3 european citizen i met my muslim husband in hşs home country ıver 20 years ago he has alway been a practising Muslim and i converted after 5 years with him (non strict practice) we have always continued a very european lifestyle but been religious councious also. Recently 6 7 months ago he joined sufism which is a pathway to become closer to god he promised at the time it was to help his mental state(slightly depressed) but he within 6 months it has brought many changes to our lifestyle he no longer will wear shorts he gets up not only for obligatory prayer but extra too and spends at least 1 hour on each prayer he is constantly using his prayer beads and read around 1 hour of the quran a day we no longer watch films or listen to music oral sex became a problem more recently he has said he no longer wants to visit the beach as to see others sinful areas is a sin he isnt controlling of me in anyway and has always been a good husband father but i have told him this radical lifestyle isn't for me and he says it doesn't affect me and him being more religiously conscious doesent affect me it to do with him and i am to blame for the breakdown that is happening in our marraige for me all this is too much I like to live balanced between religion and enjoying the world here his has became a journey soley focused on the next life please someone advise I am wrong here ?

from what you say he seems to have missed the point entirely. sufism is not about happiness. in fact, anyone who enters the path must be prepared for the harshest of tests. the developing connection with God grants the student inner peace and contentment but the erasure of the self only comes with trials and tribulations.
also even though the Holy Prophet SAWS spent many nights in prayer, he recommended his companions to not do this all the time as they also had to fulfil their duties to their spouses.

you should reccommend to your husband tthat he seeks counsel from his shaykh regarding balancing spirituality and dunya. and maybe seek couples counselling. he cannot reach spiritual enlightenment while neglecting his dunya obligations

We have again discussed this and just ended in a bigger argument he says I just want to stand in his way to connect with God and force him to commit haram I should be understanding and 4eaowct his wishes

but what are you asking him to do that is haram?

genuinely OP please ask this to be moved to Muslim mumsnetters otherwise you might start getting islamophobic comments

This is going to go bad fast op.

He's going cultist. Many people in depressive mindsets look for answers in religion...and end up going down darker, more extreme paths.

It's also obviously going to end up in him controlling you. Because surely it wpuld be haram to see his family doing what he considers 'haram' and saying nothing.

Even if its not a deliberate act to control you...it's going to go that way.

I'd get out now. Asap.
I'd also suggest he sees his doctor and a therapist. If he's depressed, thats the help he needs. If you do stay, insist those are the terms, therapy and gp appointment for antidepressants.

I wouldn't want to be married or bring up children around a joy-sucking zealot who imposes his radical beliefs on his family.

THIS

He needs to speak to someone because a depressed mind will continue to seek out the darkest elements of this extremist shift because ultimately he isn’t addressing the root cause.

In your shoes I would not risk the wellbeing of both you and your children by staying. Choose a life of freedom and happiness leave him to his medieval attitudes.

I can't see this ending well. I agree with the above posters which say that depressive minds can cause a stronger hold of these behaviours. I would tread carefully

Basically @Meryemg you now have different aim/view on life.

He wants to be closer to god and live like that. You want to live as you were, maybe not as close but building those memories/family moments.

Neither him nor you are wrong.

But it sounds like your views of what family is are becoming incompatible.

What are your red lines op? Can you work around them? Eg going to the beach with the kids alone may be inconvenient but manageable but no oral sex again ever may be a step too far. Only you can decide. If it's a deal breaker then best to tell him sooner rather than later.

That would be a relationship-ender for me, for a start. I wouldn't marry someone who didn't go down on me (for whatever reason), and certainly wouldn't stay in a marriage where they stopped doing it!

I am not sure where you are living atm. But on a practical side - if you separated - can you not stay where you are, so kids won’t need to be uprooted?
And most countries - and especially muslim ones would prevent you leaving with children as fathers have preferential treatments there.

On all other points - the specific religion is a red herring here. Most marriages won’t survive one of the spouses picking a dramatically different course in life. And increased religious orthodoxy of any kind counts as such.
So - I’d start planning your life and preparing for separation.